Trying to remember to dance

It is more important than  ever to remind remind myself of this. I seem to have become very fragile lately.

Or maybe more people are just being rude and hateful out loud.

Not sure which it is,maye it is both, or maybe I am just thin skinned in my  old age. 

Now I am no stranger to being criticized, heck I do after all call my blog The Fat Lady Thinks, and before I was the Fat Lady I was The Fat Girl.We didn't have social media back then, in middle school they had to make do with slam books.

What is a slam book? Well,back when dinosaurs roamed the earth and I was in middle school the ones who thought they were the cool kids took a spiral notebook and passed it around, everyone adding an insult for the intended recipient.Once the pages were full of the kind of venom you find on social media these days the notebook would be slipped under the door of your locker, and you could read all about how ugly you were and how you didn't deserve to live in the same world as the cool kids.The technology has changed but the intent is still there. Make yourself feel superior by bullying and humiliating someone who fits your description of "other".

So,I have been aware of the ugly all of my life.But, honestly never let it hurt my feelings before,and lately it seems my feelings are fragile.How did that happen?

Maybe it is because the ugly seems to be more pervasive these days.People who wouldn't have dreamed of saying bigoted,or racist,or just downright mean things out loud now make signs and  rally together to attack others.  

Some days I think I must have fallen asleep and awakened in a different universe--or maybe I am just getting old and fragile.But everything just feels wrong most days lately.

My last blogpost was about someone using my circumstances to shame me, and the fact that I had to work through the feelings that it sadly brought up in me. So,naturally someone felt the need to reinforce some of those feelings a few days later. Damn people, knock it off.

I have no answers. I have no idea how we got back to the place where it is acceptable to be racist or sexist or ableist or homophobic. It felt for a while like we had moved past that ugly part of our cultural heritage. 

It is wrong.It has always been wrong.But, unfortunately, even people I care for and consider friends have become open about these types of feelings. Seemingly lovely people seem to be reveling in the fact that others aren't as deserving as they are.

Those who in time gone by would kill a man because of the color of his skin or his religion or  sexuality are still around. They are still killing people they may be doing it more slowly, taking away healthcare, or food benefits, but they are still killing people.

And honestly, most of us know this is wrong,we just don't know how to fix it.

There is no shame in being poor, or a different race or religion or sexuality. 

There has to be a way to stop this.I wish I knew how, because I am starting to feel beat down by all of this.

I am poor, my son and I are disabled, we have to rely on the kindness of others.The kind people outnumber the hateful people...so why are the hateful people so loud in my head?

It is possible to go through life without demonizing and  marginalizing others. It is possible, well, I used to think it was.

I have no answers. I just know I am feeling fragile, and wish I didn't.

So, like to woman in the illustration I must try remember when I danced.

It is hard when you are struggling with the day to day stresses of life sometimes to remember that you still have something to give back to the world, no matter how many people try to tell you you don't. It is all too easy to get wrapped in the struggles and forget that you weren't always old and poor and in pain. That your son wasn't always sick. That your bills were paid and you were the one who was able to help others.That  you lived in a country that was moving toward diversity not away from it.

It is all too easy too forget that even though life isn't what someone else considers acceptable it is still your life and you  matter.

So, I can't say I wont get my feelings hurt.

I will continue to worry and stress about the problems--mine and the world--like being out of money too soon this month.

But for today I am going to do my best to remember a time in my life when I danced.That while I can't dance any more that I still matter.

Me and lots of other folks.

I can be extremely stressed and extremely blessed at the same time.

I am multifaceted that way.


Peace and Blessings,
EB

p.s. there is a paypal button over there,just in case you feel led.My son and I are struggling, and there is no shame in admitting that.