Memo to my stalkery troll

Dear troll,


You came onto a message board over the weekend and I am embarrassed to say that your hateful hurtful attack on me managed to take up space in my head for a couple of days.I advised that it was not necessary to respond to you, and the conversation went forward. But then,in the wee hours as I tossed and turned you were in my head,and I felt shame over the situation you used to mock my developmentally disabled invalid son and our situation.

How embarrassing that I let you get in my head. You were not original in your cruel taunt, and yet were emblematic of the troublesome aspects of society that seek to punish those less fortunate or marginalized communities in our culture. You are merely symptomatic of a prevalent narrative that unfortunate circumstances or differences in beliefs or culture make some of us less worthy than you. 

You are not in the majority. Yes, you are part of a loud minority that is having some success right now in taking our culture down to its lowest common lack of humanity,but you really are outnumbered.

You have managed to elect some politicians that are playing to the basest hatreds among us which brings us to what you tried to shame me with.
Yes, I am in the embarrassing situation of living in a red state where the social safety net has been seriously eroded and I have used and may have to use again the gofundme platform. to help keep my son and I from falling even farther down the rabbit hole that leads to homelessness. I am unfortunately not alone,thousands and thousands of people are forced to use sources like gofundme to keep access to some basic needs such as healthcare, a roof over their head, and food on the table.

It is actually a bit of a paradox that you would choose to mock my son and I because we are in the position of needing help.Your politicians have done your bidding, and the social safety net is broken so like so many others we have been helped by caring friends and strangers.Are you so convinced that some people are so less than worthy that having made it impossible to find resources you begrudge them even  the support of others. That is just pure meanness.

Are you still reading...I bet you are,because you seemed to know a few details of my life, you must pay attention to me.

I let you get in my head, and I am feeling foolish about that. But, there is a stigma attached to being poor in this country. 

Not that it makes a difference to you, mostly just to remind myself that I have nothing to be ashamed of let me give you a quick summary of how I got here.

I have had a good life. A fair share of obstacles, a bigger share of blessings. I worked my way through college. Had a couple of successful careers and have been fortunate in many things.

I was a single mother of a special needs child who met and married a wonderful man.We worked hard and bought a house in the suburbs and were enjoying our little slice of the American Dream on our lower middle class rung of the ladder.You should appreciate this, we worked separate shifts so that one of us was always available for our son. No use of outside resources.
Life was good, one or two glitches like me developing a rare neurological disorder,but we worked hard and had good health care, so we moved forward with our hopes and dreams.

And Then life changed. In the blink of an eye.

My husband was killed by a drunk driver.So my son and I moved forward on our own again.

Then I fell at work and broke my shoulder. Surgery to fix that,but the night before I was scheduled to return to work I fell in my kitchen and broke my leg.During the rehab my neurological disorder worsened and I ended up in this wheelchair and couldn't go back to work.

We lost our house that my husband had been so proud of to foreclosure. So my son and I moved forward in an apartment.

But then my son got sick. Really really sick and we are now making the choices to juggle. Do we eat or does he get the medical supplies that medicaid won't cover.Do we get behind on the utilities to buy groceries. Choices that poor people all over our country are forced to make, and many like us live in places with broken safety nets and have to depend on help from others.

This is a humbling place to be in life, and still someone like you chooses to mock us. Are we just not dying quick enough for you.

So, yes you got in my head, and I should know better. Because even though I am struggling and behind on the bills, I have something you obviously lack in your place of privilege. I have worth and empathy and compassion.

One of my favorite authors said... 

"Empathy is really the opposite of spiritual meanness. It's the capacity to understand that every war is both won and lost. And that someone else's pain is as meaningful as your own."~~Barbara Kingsolver

Empathy goes many directions. When we lose the ability to empathize, we not only lose the ability to understand and share when people are having hard times, we lose the ability to be joyful when they are being blessed. And I think that, leads to what Barbara Kingsolver describes as spiritual meanness.

I am so sorry I let you get in my head. I know better. But, at least it gave me the opportunity to remember that I am blessed.

Yes, I may have to use gofundme again,but since I am fairly certain you are not the type to help anyone you deem less than, you really can refrain from mocking me for it. It is an uncomfortable place to be,but not nearly as uncomfortable as needing to anonymously lash out at someone.

So, even though I advised others to not respond to you, I am responding to the feelings in me.They kept me tossing and turning for a night or two, and they shouldn't have. 

I have used gofundme, there is a paypal button over there, and that is just where I am in life.

Peace and Blessings,

EB