Norman Rockwell was an artist...

...not a historian.

This time of year is just hard. For a lot of reasons.

Some of us are struggling. But the truth is most of us--women especially,just get frazzled this time of year.We get so busy.

 Whether we are rich or poor, young or old, we get stressed out around the holidays. If you are having financial problems-like we do at our house, you worry, and stress out about how you will keep the electricity on, and still manage to provide a semblance of cheer. It's really hard to think you won't be able to buy a gift for your child. Really hard. 

If you are lucky enough to  have money, you still worry.
So much to do,so little time...
We all need to remember to breathe at this time of year--


The quote for the day is...
A man can do only what he can do. But if he does that each day he can sleep at night and do it again the next day. ~~Albert Schweitzer ~~ 


All we can do is all we can do. Maybe we are doing too much to begin with. Maybe we need to take a minute and look at the things that we consider urgent, are they? Are they necessary for our happiness, and wholeness, or are they just trappings that we think the world expects.

The world does not cease to exist if we bake 2 kinds of cookies instead of 6. the world does not cease to turn on its axis if we take an hour out of the day and spend it paying attention to our health and our spiritual needs. If we cease to run around frenetically, the sun still comes up in the morning. If we choose to not spend money we don't have this year, no one will hate us because their present is smaller (well, if they do they don't count anyway!) Besides, the little ones play with the boxes longer than the presents! The older ones will understand if we are being honest, authentic in our lives.

So yes, let's remember to slow down, to breathe. When we get all caught up in the frenzy we miss so much-moments of grace, opportunities for gratitude, evidence of our connections to others, signs of the presence of Spirit.

"But,but..." you say,I want  wonderful holidays like when I was growing up. Ah, yes the good ol' days.

 Personally I think people have this skewed vision of what life used to be-too many Norman Rockwell magazine covers. Norman Rockwell was an artist not an historian.

Honestly, people weren't all that much different 50, 60, 100 years ago. There were good people, there were not so good people. It wasn't a Norman Rockwell magazine cover or an episode of Leave it To Beaver. Just like now, so many things depend on your economic status. Poor women worked outside the home-often in the homes of women with more resources. Poor people spent their limited resources trying to keep a roof over their head and feed their families.

So, let go of the imaginary memories. You are probably equating a movie you saw with what actually occurred in people's everyday lives. 

 If you are feeling bombarded by the things going on around you, scattered, stressed, that is the reminder you need to chill, breathe, take some time to pay attention. Make today important, live the best you can today, and stop longing for a different time that never existed.

 It's hard for everyone this time of year.It's cold, and dark, and it just seems like troubles are amplified in that darkness. Probably the reason that nearly every faith tradition has some sort of celebration around this time that centers on light.

So, as you go about your days, try to remember to breathe,and relax, because the darkness never lasts forever, and even on a cold dark day something will be worth smiling about. 

Take time today to rest, even though you have things to do. Take some time to get at least a few moments with yourself, and remind yourself that a confident, loving smile is worth more than anything you can possibly accomplish today.


Peace and Blessings,

EB


P.S. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there,just in case. I told a friend once who was embarrassed about asking for help that if we don't make our needs known how does anyone ever know we have needs.The William and I are struggling,and just as embarrassed I am pointing out the button.We are continually blessed.

Just needed to remind myself

The quote for today is...

Letting your mind play is the best way to solve problems.~~Bill Watterson~~

Sometimes when we get a problem in our life we worry that sucker to death. We look at it, and dissect it, and second guess it. Sometimes we make elaborate plans to deal with it. Sometimes we decide to ignore it, and we have to construct wieldy ways of pretending it just isn't there. Like the elephant in the living room, we have to find ways to live around it without acknowledging it. We spend tons and tons of energy without accomplishing anything. Sometimes we just try to hard. Perhaps we need to let our mind just relax, and play for a while. This is not denying a problem, we are aware that there is a problem, we are just allowing our self a time of relaxation, so that we can come back to the problem with renewed energy. Sometimes when we allow ourselves to relax a bit, and we all know this is true, the answer comes to us, seemingly out of the blue. Perhaps, out of the blue, is just us having let go long enough that our higher power could get the message through. Sometimes when we are in crisis worry mode, we make so many plans in our own power, that the answers we have been praying for can't get through. Our Higher Power is calling us, but the line is busy, our inbox is full.

So, no matter what is going on is your life, always, always remember that taking time to relax and take care of yourself is not a selfish act. It is a necessary act for your good and the good of those you love. If I didn't spend my hours meditating and praying, my life would be much more complicated. And we all know my life is way too complicated as it is! So here is to letting go for a few minutes today. Let your mind play, let your spirit relax so that you are able to make the best choices you can from a place of renewed energy. Choose to let go for awhile, it's a good choice.

Peace and Blessings,
EB

p.s. the donate button is to the right, I hate saying that, but you never ever know.

Find a reason to smile..

It is very difficult to be old, and broke, and struggling at this time of year. It's cold, and dark, and it just seems like troubles are amplified in that darkness. Probably the reason that nearly every faith tradition has some sort of celebration around this time that centers on light.

So, as you go about your days, try to remember to breathe,and relax, because the darkness never lasts forever, and even on a cold dark day something will be worth smiling about.

For example, today was supposed to be high 28 and ZERO percent chance of precipitation. My son and I were going to the grocery store. Our budget is really tight, so some of the things he is used to getting would not be on our list today. It's hard to tell any child "No, we can't afford that" and especially hard to tell an autistic man/child his routine is going to have to give way to budgetary concerns.Add in the weather forecast being wrong, and it starting to snow/sleet/ice as we ran our errands, and I could have been stuck in a bad mood the rest of the week.

But then this happened...


 We came out of the grocery store and the 2 lovely bell ringers were trying to sing "O Holy Night' but they maybe knew the first 3 words, I prompted the next line and they said "Do you know all the words? "I do," I answered, "Start from the beginning and I'll help." So we did,and I sang in my contra-alto, standing in the snow with the lovely sopranos--a crowd gathered and there was applause when we finished. Could be the best day I've had in a while.

Reason to smile, I bet you can find one too if you will be open to allowing yourself to breath and be in the moment.

Peace and Blessings,
EB

 

Recipe for less stress

We get so busy this time of year. Whether we are rich or poor, young or old, we get stressed out around the holidays. If you are having financial problems-like we do at our house, you worry, and stress out about how you will keep the electricity on, and still manage to provide a semblance of cheer. It's really hard to think you won't be able to buy a gift for your chid. Really hard. 

 

 If you are lucky enough to  have money, you still worry.

 

So much to do,so little time...

 

We all need to remember to breathe at this time of year--

 

 

The quote for the day is...
A man can do only what he can do. But if he does that each day he can sleep at night and do it again the next day. ~~Albert Schweitzer ~~

All we can do is all we can do. Maybe we are doing too much to begin with. Maybe we need to take a minute and look at the things that we consider urgent, are they? Are they necessary for our happiness, and wholeness, or are they just trappings that we think the world expects. The world does not cease to exist if we bake 2 kinds of cookies instead of 6. the world does not cease to turn on its axis if we take an hour out of the day and spend it paying attention to our health and our spiritual needs. If we cease to run around frenetically, the sun still comes up in the morning. If we choose to not spend money we don't have this year, no one will hate us because their present is smaller (well, if they do they don't count anyway!)Besides, the small ones play with the boxes longer than the presents! The older ones will understand if we are being honest, authentic in our lives.So yes, let's remember to slow down, to breathe. When we get all caught up in the frenzy we miss so much-moments of grace, opportunities for gratitude, evidence of our connections to others, signs of the presence of Spirit.

So if you are feeling bombarded by the things going on around you, scattered, stressed, that is the reminder you need to chill, breathe, take some time to pay attention. When we are bombarded we miss the important moments,we feel drained, we start operating on automatic pilot, and quite frankly that automatic pilot may not have been reprogrammed for a while and is taking us back to old habits, old ways of thinking that we are moving away from. One thing at a time, relax, unwind, spend time with just you, make room for inner tranquility to operate. You'll sleep well, and get up the next day to do all that you can do.

Peace and Blessings,
EB

Tools of thought

Today's quote...
"We have the tool of thought within us to create a thousand joys or
a thousand ills."~~James Allen~~

 When we choose how we react to situations and things and people around us we are using that tool. We can use our thoughts to create positive ways of reacting to the circumstances we are surrounded with, or we can use that tool of thought to create negative response.

I was reading something on a message board, a very nice article on steps you can take to lower stress. Then along came the poster who said "None of this works when you have a life as stressful as mine" and then she laid out a tale of woe. Posters responded with really good thoughtful ways she could let go of some of the things that were stressing her out, and of course she couldn't hear any of it. It was apparent to everyone but her that her woes weren't as big and bad as she thought they were, and that she was actually creating some of them with her negative thoughts. She was using the tool of thought to create a thousand ills.


Sad really, someone gets really good loving advice and chooses to stay stuck in their misery. Living in the moment allows us to capture those thoughts, choose how to react, and use that tool of thought to create a thousand joys. Imagine what a great day this will be if you experience a thousand joys, or a hundred joys, or ten joys, or one joy created by using the tool available to you. Using your tool of thought today, choose to live in joy.

I know I am working on it.

Peace and Blessings,
EB


  

The Little Things

So, being stressed out to the max, I have noticed that every little thing that occurs seems to add to my stress levels. Every little thing. Things I would shrug off on a normal day now seem to add to my desperation.

I noticed this this morning. I don't walk well, haven't for a long time now. On the days I can walk I occasionally stumble and fall. Not often, but in normal circumstances it wouldn't bother me all that much. It happens. In fact it is such a normal occurrence that my son doesn't even look up anymore. So, why when I stumbled this morning did it just add to my feelings that nothing is ever going to be OK again? And more importantly why does something like that get to live in my head for more than the few moments it took to catch myself and move on?

So, while I was contemplating how hopeless my life feels that even a little thing can cause me to despair it dawned on me that little things should be important in the good times too ,and like many of us I tend to not see them then.

So, here's too the little things that I should be noticing instead...

My son watched The Muppet Movie (the original 1979) a couple of nights ago and not only did he laugh all the way through it, he has been singing the songs ever since. Now that is a beautiful thing.

I have good friends, friends who are generous in their encouragement and support. This is a big thing!I need to acknowledge big things too.

I saw my first fireflies this evening. Here we are on the eve of the summer solstice and sitting at my patio door I looked out and the greenspace behind the building was alive with sparkling lights. Considering we had snow in May, the first fireflies of the summer is something to rejoice!

Fireflies are one of the joys of childhood in the Midwest. For me they represent summers spent with relatives that lived in a different way than we did growing up in Los Angeles. A totally different rhythm of living. Summer vacations at my favorite auntie's house. A time when bad things didn't happen and life wasn't hard.

So, to night I am letting go of the stress for a few minutes and reveling in the beauty of fireflies and the treasure of childhood memories.

Here's to the little things!

Peace and Blessings,
EB


 

How to Survive a Bad Day

So, I had a really bad day yesterday. Whined about it, fretted about it, stressed out about it to t he point that I had trouble sleeping and woke up with a headache. None of these things helped.

I am getting closer to having enough money to take care of the situation with the back taxes and expired car tags. Doing without, living frugally and the kindness of some friends has put about half the money in the bank. So I headed off to pay the rent yesterday feeling like I might get this resolved soon.

Got to the complex office and misjudged how close I was to that concrete thing they put at the front of parking spaces, caught my bumper and pulled it off on one side. So now, the car that I count on for any shred of liberty and independence is not only illegal to drive, the bumper is falling off.

Shouted on facebook asking local friends if they knew anyone who could help fix it, and no one. Worried all night, fix the car and there goes the money for the tag issue, Finally, came up with a temporary solution this morning. Duct tape the bumper and live with it! Ideal solution? Not really, but it is a solution. We don't drive many miles in a week, so it should hold for a bit.

Just waiting for the universe to send the money to take care of both issues!! Trying to distract myself I spent some time reading some things I have written in the past and wouldn't you know it, I have written about worrying a problem!!!

The quote for today is...

Letting your mind play is the best way to solve problems.~~Bill Watterson~~

Sometimes when we get a problem in our life we worry that sucker to death. We look at it, and dissect it, and second guess it. Sometimes we make elaborate plans to deal with it. Sometimes we decide to ignore it, and we have to construct wieldy ways of pretending it just isn't there. Like the elephant in the living room, we have to find ways to live around it without acknowledging it. We spend tons and tons of energy without accomplishing anything. Sometimes we just try to hard. Perhaps we need to let our mind just relax, and play for a while. This is not denying a problem, we are aware that there is a problem, we are just allowing our self a time of relaxation, so that we can come back to the problem with renewed energy. Sometimes when we allow ourselves to relax a bit, and we all know this is true, the answer comes to us, seemingly out of the blue. Perhaps, out of the blue, is just us having let go long enough that our higher power could get the message through. Sometimes when we are in crisis worry mode, we make so many plans in our own power, that the answers we have been praying for can't get through. Our Higher Power is calling us, but the line is busy, our inbox is full.

So, no matter what is going on is your life, always, always remember that taking time to relax and take care of yourself is not a selfish act. It is a necessary act for your good and the good of those you love. If I didn't spend my hours meditating and praying, my life would be much more complicated. And we all know my life is way too complicated as it is! So here is to letting go for a few minutes today. Let your mind play, let your spirit relax so that you are able to make the best choices you can from a place of renewed energy. Choose to let go for awhile, it's a good choice.

Peace and Blessings,
EB

p.s. the donate button is to the right, I hate saying that, but you never ever know.

I Can Do It

So, since most of my life is out of my control these days, and I am struggling in a lot of areas, I am trying to reclaim at least one thing that helps me feel in control. The truth is, that no matter what is happening, no matter that I can't climb out of my financial messes, no matter that I feel out of control there is one and only one area of life where I can exhibit total control and that is when, what, and how much I choose to eat. For some of us with weight issues that is a very liberating thought. It is for me anyway. I can't make the money I desperately need magically appear. I can't control many of the stressors in my life, but I can control how I react, and how I choose to eat, and that honestly helps me move towards a sense of control in other areas. Often when life is careening out of control, getting control over something helps.

So, I will probably be writing about weight loss issues more often than anything else for a while. Hey, at least I am attempting to write again...


We were all given the same amount of spirit. None more, none less. The difference between individuals is allowing the Spirit to have more of you.~~Bear Heart~~

Whenever you read a success story on a website, or in a magazine, the person who has reached their goal will usually say something like "If I can do it, anyone can do it." I know that when some of us read that they sometimes think that doesn't include them, but the truth is that not one of those people sharing their success story has more spirit, or drive, or motivation, or discipline than the rest of us. So, if I can do it you can do it, is actually true. BUT, first we have to give ourselves over to learning the truth about who we are, and discovering that we are a person of worth, and learning that we CAN do anything we set our minds to do. Yes, sometimes our challenges might be more than someone else, sometimes the obstacles in our way can be daunting. But inside each of us is that place where the truth has been replaced by untruths over the years, and we need to capture each one of those untruths and replace it with the truth .Takes work on our part sometimes, but every time we think a negative thought that we aren't worthy of the best in life we need to stop, ask ourselves if that is true, tell ourselves that it isn't true and replace it with a true thought.

Every time we hear in our head that we aren't smart enough, or good enough, or pretty enough, we need to say stop, that is not true, the truth is I am smart enough, I am good enough, I am beautiful. I am a person of great worth, and I deserve to treat myself well. It is a choice we can make, and when we believe that we deserve to treat ourselves well, we will make the best choices we can to become healthier in our mind, body, and spirit. When we become used to making the choices that make us the best we can be, then it will become easier to work towards our healthy bodies, because we are worth it!! Treat yourself well today, no one deserves it more.

Peace and Blessings,
EB



 

Everyday Miracles and The Best Medicine

I've had a really stressed out crappy day. Seems like they are like that lately. Life has been really hard,and quite frankly has worn me out. The months of triple digit weather have left me feeling depleted, physically, spiritually, and financially. After catching up the electric and gas bills,buying some groceries, getting my sons prescriptions filled, I am left with 86 cents in the bank and the low fuel light is on in my car. It is the 15th of the month, how is that supposed to work?

But, in the midst of all that, I am reminded that I am indeed blessed. I was able to catch up the electric bill, which was twice what I had budgeted the last few months because of those triple digit temps, because of a small miracle. I was sitting in my meditation spot, talking to Creator, wondering how to pay the bill.Nothing came to mind, I finished my meditations. Grabbed a cup of coffee and logged on the computer. There I was reading my facebook feed and I got a message from a friend. Check my paypal account. This friend had felt like I needed to be blessed. There was the money for to catch up the electric bill. Now I use the word friend, but this is someone who I have never met in person, someone I met in a community on the computer.Amazing. Even though we are not of the same religion, we both had our faith reinforced that day. I was reminded that in the midst of my stressed out crappy life Spirit still hears me and she was reminded that in the midst of some spiritual questioning she still hears Spirit.

A few days later, in another cyber community, I asked my friends to say extra prayers for me. That's all, I didn't share the need, I just asked for prayers, because being broke this summer because of the heat and everything costing too much is just not conducive to me climbing out of the depression I have been struggling with. But, one of the needs was the gas bill. Granted, I don't need the gas for heat, but hot water is a good thing.Later that day, I got a message from another friend-this one I have met personally, but we originally met online-again the message was to check my paypal account. There was the money to pay the gas bill and get some groceries.

So, I know that Spirit is aware of me, and that I have friends who hear Spirit. Those seem really rather miraculous to me these days.Depression is a terrible disease, one that take's a lot of my energy to deal with,and I just haven't had the extra energy lately. But, even though it feels like my steps forward can be measured in centimeters, I do think I am starting to move forward a bit,and as I am often heard to say...every step you take is a step away from where you used to be. Now it may only be a centimeter away, but it is away. So, here I am, struggling,and today just throws everything it can at me. That stupid low fuel light came on when we went to the library, and then we got home and on the hottest day of the week my electricity goes out. Now my first response was to panic. I opened the front door, and the stairwell light in our building was still on. Because while I had caught up, the next bill has arrived,and my anxious mind immediately thought they had turned my electricity off. Just then, the apartment door across the hall opened,and their electricity was off too. So, the neighbor heads down to the basement of the building and it turns out it was the circuit breakers for the ground floor apartments.  So, one more crisis averted.

Of course, my panic reflex had already kicked on, and so it has been a long afternoon. My pain level went up and I got a headache. Stress will do that, its the adrenaline I think. That's when the Best Medicine showed up. My son checked out a DVD at the library,and put it in the player. It is a DVD of all of the Tom and Jerry cartoons ever made, and so for the last hour my house has been filled with the most beautiful sound in the whole world, my son's laughter. Tom and Jerry cartoons are his type of humor, and his laughter seems to come from his toes,and fill his whole body-and he is 6' 7" tall, so that is a BIG laugh. A beautiful, musical laugh that makes me smile. It's been a while since I smiled,and today, after the stress, after the worries, I have been smiling for over an hour.

So, while I still have problems,and while I still have depression, I have managed to take a step away, a step filled with smiles, and that seems to me to be the very best thing in a long time. Just a few everyday miracles and laughter, the best of medicines. Spirit seems to be hearing me, don't you think?

Struggles...we all have them

My life is a mess right now. I am in the midst of very trying times. Lost my home to foreclosure, dealing with illness-including these miserable shingles-moving, financial problems, deep dark depression, if it weren't for bad luck, etc. So I have to remind myself of some things. Our lives are lived half in light and half in dark. In Hebrew scripture God assures us in Isaiah(45: 6-7)...

I am the Lord, and there is none else: I form the light, and create darkness, I make peace, and create evil: I the Lord do all these things.

This scripture helped me to understand that those times when I am  experiencing the feelings that I compare to the dark night of the soul, those times were created for my good by Most High God. Now, how can feeling separate from my Creator be for my good? Because it is in those times that I truly have to believe that I would seek my Creator even when I am not feeling like  Most High is there. The times when my prayer life seems devoid and dried up, I can continue in my prayer life, because I know that God exists no matter how I feel. 

In the New Testament sacred literature it seems to me that the followers of Christ were the only one's who doubted. The Romans, the Sanhedrin, the enemies, they knew that here was someone who was going to change everything. But, just as Thomas became forever called doubting Thomas, the followers of the Christ had questions. They were right there with him, they heard what he was saying, they saw the miracles,and yet, we see time and again them questioning and the Christ explaining. If questioning continues even in darkness, the answers must come,though I don't have them right now. So, as darkness must turn into daybreak, waiting on the Most High God must be able to survive the darkness. Sometimes it is just the natural progression of light (activity) and darkness (rest or passive)that is normal in everything.

In Dark Night of the Soul (which is a poem and a treatise on the meaning of the poem) St John talks about the darkness as stripping away the ego. In psychoanalytic jargon the ego is that part of us, the self,serves as the organized conscious mediator between the person and reality especially by functioning both in the perception of and adaptation to reality.So John of the Cross would say that 'greater is the darkness wherein the soul journeys and the more completely is it voided of its natural operations, the greater is its security'. In other words, the more of self we are stripped of, the more secure we are in the fact that God is out there.That the planet will turn and the light will follow, and growth will have happened as the natural progression of times of activity and rest.

None of us follow the same path in our spiritual growth. Many of us experience many different traditions in our journey. We are asking questions, looking for answers. The Christ said in the Sermon on the Mount, everyone that asks receives. The word used for receive has the meaning of gaining. So those who question gain. Those who can embrace the dark as times of rest and growth can relax and know that the questions that inevitably arise in these times will be answered. So while I am struggling,I have to hang on, continuing to question.

Halloween,oh my!!

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It was a beautiful sunrise here in the heartland. Because Daylight Savings time lasts longer this year I get an extra week of sunrise meditations. With the clock going back on Sunday, I may not get up early enough for sunrise for a while. I can't remember a Halloween with such nice weather. Usually it is cold and wet, a few years ago we got a huge snowstorm, still referred to as the October Surprise by weather forecasters around here. The trick or treaters will actually get to show off their costumes rather than hide them under winter coats this year. Halloween chills and thrills are fun for some, but for others it is simply the harbinger of a time of year fraught with difficulty. The holiday season draws nigh!!!! It is amazing isn't it how many emotions get stirred up in us as the holiday season draws near. There are those of us who had less than functional families growing up, and this time of year always seems to be a time when family dynamics can be trying at best, and downright dangerous in some instances. I remember the first Christmas stocking I ever had. I was a freshman in college, and in conversations with a new friend, it came out that we didn't have pleasant holidays in my family. I loved hearing the stories told by my friend Lizzie of the traditions of her family. Christmas stockings were important to her family, so much so that her stocking was being sent to her to hang in her dorm room before she took it home with her for Christmas. When the package came, there were two stockings. The one she had treasured all of her life, and a brand new one for me. As alien as the concept of loving family was to me, the concept of a non loving family was even more alien to her, and she had asked her family to make me a stocking. I visited her home several times over four years of college. Stopped off at her parents house a few times in my travels as an adult. I will always remember that they taught me about Christmas. So when I became a mother, I purposed in my heart to create traditions for my son. There was just the two of us for the first 12 years of his life, and we created wonderful traditions. Then I met my husband, and we  adapted some of our traditions into family traditions. We have pizza on Christmas Eve because I was too tired from working at the store to cook, so my son is in charge of Christmas Eve. He cooks the pizza and serves us. While I am at work he bakes 2 batches of cookies. One batch is a recipe he has baked every year since middle school, and then he combs the holiday magazines for a new recipe to try. Christmas morning my son opens presents, there usually aren't any for the 'grownups' we spend the money on my son. I fix biscuits and gravy for breakfast, and we go to the movies in the afternoon.We come home and have our dinner, ham and wild rice dressing. I am not sure how that came to be our tradition, but it has been since my son was small. Traditions can be created where there were none. Traditions can be changed when the original traditions no longer fit, traditions can be thrown out the window when they simply aren't good for us to continue them. We can choose to make healthier traditions. Do we usually cook too many things that are tempting? Try new recipes. Yes, stick to those one or tow things that you have to have, but honestly, we all cook things that no one will miss. Think about what goes into the fridge as leftovers. Maybe that's a dish that can be changed. Not only can we change the things we cook, but if there are issues that come up for us in this emotional time of year, we can change how we think about them. If there are expectations from others that aren't in our best interest, we can choose to not feel like we are letting someone down. Our well being is our concern, and we are not dishonoring anyone, or disrespecting anyone when we choose to honor our needs and respect our choices. Choose to take care of you! YOU are then better able to take care of the ones you love. Do something spectacular for yourself today, choose to not let the candy dishes take control. Choose to be in control of what you eat. Peace and Blessings, EstherBelle

On Needing Help!

Things are still unsettled in our lives, we haven't found a place to move to yet. BUT, the truth is we have to move, so we have started getting packed up. I am ashamed to say that I would be an excellent candidate for one of those Hoarding shows. Grief, depression, and physical pain have conspired to make me let the house go. Not making excuses, and actually thinking moving will help me to get things back under control. There, a positive thought!

But, right now I am feeling overwhelmed. I know I need help, but have no idea how to access it. Most of my family and friends live far away. The ones who live closer have problems and issues of their own, but honestly if I asked might try to help out. So, why haven't I asked? Back to that old pride thing, I think.So, why am I blogging about this? I think I am sharing these thoughts in order to help myself get past that embarrassment causing pride so that I can make myself reach out.

Part if the problem is that it is all too easy to become isolated in this day and age. Technology is awesome, but when it is easy to keep in touch with those you care about by email, facebook, message boards, and blog posts you can become a hermit and so no one sees that your house has become untenable. It is easy to pretend that no one visits because everyone is busy, but the truth is you haven't invited anyone to visit in a very long time. You used to have people over, used to fix meals, used to share your hospitality, when did that stop? No answers, but the questions are important to becoming accountable to yourself.

So, here I am, struggling to pack up a house full of memories buried in years of detritus.I know I need help, yet have no idea where to start. But, I can already feel myself changing, I can feel the need to come out from under this grief and depression in a way that will make life easier and better. How encouraging that the most difficult thing I have dealt with since I lost my husband is bringing positive change to my thinking. Moving forward, brick by brick. Perhaps just acknowledgng to the world that I need help is the first step in reaching out for it! Every step I take is a step away from where I used to be, and I am taking steps every day!!

Feeling Surreal Today

In the last few weeks, I have learned something about myself.  Due to circumstances beyond my control, I am forced to apply for disability benefits and medicaid for my son and myself. I have put it off far too long, and now my financial problems are so drastic because I did. My son and I will in all likelihood lose our home because of my recalcitrant behavior. I find that all of the things I read and see my conservative friends post about 'entitlements' and programs to help the poor now apply to me.

The application process for disability is not easy, in fact I am still working on one of the parts of the application-3 days later. I have already had 3 phone interviews with 3 different people, and there is much more to come.

I have spoken to my therapist in the past about learning to accept the fact that I am no longer able to work. It is so difficult to admit that you are not able to provide for your child and yourself.In our culture we are so often judged and valued by what we do for a living. I was very proud of my job. I gave it 110 percent every day, and I was very good at what I did. So, now, since I no longer have the ability to stand on my feet or use my hands I feel useless. I spend time writing, and trying to figure out what it is I am supposed to do.

The day Mr. Bill was killed, we sat on the deck and had coffee together before I went to work. We discussed our hopes and dreams, plans for the future. We were aware that I would not be able to work at the store forever. So, we talked about me taking courses to do a totally different type of work.We were  so happy that morning, planning a new direction for our life. Then, on his way home from work that night, a drunk driver killed him, and my life has been spiraling out of control ever since. So here I am, no money in the bank, plowing through the paperwork for disability, hoping that there is a way to save our home, and support us through the next part of our life.

Sometimes, I wake in the morning and I am so confused. Who am I? How did I get here? One of my favorite quotes says "Shame on the body for breaking down while the spirit perseveres~John Dryden" So, do I blame my body for breaking down and taking away my ability to work? Do I blame the drunk driver that took my husband from me in the blink of an eye? Do I blame the company I worked for because they terminated me instead of working with me when I became disabled?

I think that I must move forward, accept that my body has broken down. Now I must find a way for my spirit to persevere. Now, I must swallow my pride, and apply for benefits to help support my son and me. Now I must allow the forgiveness that I so often and so easily extend to others to apply to myself.

In this age of social networking and blogging we are privvy to more information about our friends than we used to be. So, now, I can see on my fb newsfeed the religious and political thoughts of hundreds of people every day. I see my conservative friends posting things that lead me to believe that they will look down upon me as I apply for benefits. It hurts to be in this position.

It hurts to do things like adding a paypal button to your blog, hoping that someone might see it and feel led to share. It wasn't that long ago that I was sharing with others. It hurts to feel hopeless and to feel like you are failing in your role as a parent. And so you add these feelings to the other things going on in your spirit, the grief, the pain in your body, the loneliness.  You seek to allow your Higher Power to work in you and through you and for you. Then you blog it and let it go. Surreal, yes, but these days what isn't!

STRESS! and other issues...

It is amazing how fickle our human  minds are. Throw a bad week at us and we forget how blessed we are and concentrate on how stressed we are. I admit that I have had a bad week. My precious son was hospitalized. The softball sized abscess in his abdomen was a form of peritonitis, and we have not found the cause yet, so even though we are home, we have return trips scheduled.

Of course, he is not insured. He aged off my insurance last year. So, we had to go to the ER that would take him with no insurance. The poor people hospital. The ER was scary, after a wait of several hours to see a doctor, we were first told he might have a ruptured appendix. We were in the ER for 12 long hours before they decided to admit him rather than operate on him. Then 3 days of tests, finally a procedure to drain the abscess.

As you might imagine, none of this was easy for my son. He does not communicate well with strangers. He does not tolerate touch well, and he does not do well with scratchy fabric like that of a hospital gown. All of his senses were over stimulated. 

We get discharged from the hospital, and I spend way too much money at the pharmacy, filling the 7 prescriptions we were given.I am worried that I will be a month behind on the mortgage come the first of the month, and now I don't have enough to pay my insurance premium.

Let's add guilt to the mixture. Guilt that I did not ask the right questions, and so my son was in pain for several days as the infection in his abdomen grew. Guilt that I can't work anymore. Guilt that I have been mired in grief for my husband. Guilt. Reinforced several times, in different ways.

Pain. Yes, stress raises my pain level. But, I can't take the medication for breakthrough pain. It makes me drowsy, and I have to be available for my son. So, I am trying to breathe through the pain when the next shoe drops...My dear friend dies. Someone I am close too. I just talked to her last week. New guilt, I didn't have a chance to call her this week.

OK, I am starting to feel foolish. I am the same person who writes about faith, and choices, and HOPE. I am the same person that has heard God since she was 4 years old. Trusted God to provide all of her life. How can I be this stressed out? How can I be this afraid?

The human brain. Experts only understand a small percentage of what it is capable of. Right now, I can tell you it is capable of focusing on the problems so single mindedly that I can't hear the song in my spirit. I can hear the song in my head...
Make the world go away,
Get it off of my shoulders!!

But the song in my spirit, that one is quieter, and I will have to choose to hear it.Choose to breathe through the fear about my sons health, the worry about our financial situation, the grief of losing a good friend, and the guilt I feel in all of these situations.

I don't have the answer this morning, but I do have the choice to not let myself be overwhelmed by it all.I can choose to breathe, I can choose to beleive that God is in control. I may question why all of this is happening, but i know that as often as I would cry " why me?" the answer would still be the same, "Why not me?" Would I wish any of these things on anyone? NO.

Today I choose to continue to believe. I choose to have faith. 

Deep breath. I can do this. In honor of my dear friend, whose favorite advice was "Never let anyone steal your peace." I CHOOSE to reclaim my peace.

What a week!