So, this morning as I attempt to keep myself sane for one more day, I thought I probably owe some explanation to those loving caring friends.More than that, I owe a deep debt of gratitude to those who have been praying and sending love and energies.Believe me the gratitude is much easier to convey.
I am depressed, more deeply depressed than I have ever been, or than I ever thought I would be. I have dealt with depression all of my life, and like many, when I am managing it I think I will never get here again. But here I am.
This is a good news bad news situation for me right now.
The bad news, I have lost 9 months of my life to depression, I have let my life slip away, not taking care of the things I need to, and not realizing how deep into the pit I had sunk. When you are in the deep dark place you don't always realize that is where you are. Your thinking is so screwed up, your head filled with the fears, and guilt and shame and hopelessness.
The good news, I only lost 9 months. I have been nearly this depressed before, and it took me nearly 3 years to figure out that depression was the issue and that I wasn't going to be able to manage it on my own. But that was a very long time ago, and I honestly thought I would never allow it to happen again. That seems like such an arrogant line of thought this morning.
The bad news, asking for help is the single most difficult thing for me to do, ever.I have known I was depressed for months now, but did not have the strength to do anything about it. I would get up in the morning thinking I could take care of the things I needed to and end the day thinking abut how I failed but that I will be stronger tomorrow. The good news, I had enough strength to ask for my friends to send me love and energies,and I was able to make the phone call and get an appointment with the county mental health organization.More good news, I was able to call a friend and admit to her how bad I have screwed things up and say the 3 most difficult words in the world, I need help.The very best good news is my friend knows how hard that is for me and immediately loved me through that conversation.Allowing someone to-help me has always been the most difficult thing for me to do, so once again I have the opportunity to overcome that particular obstacle in my life.
The bad news is I am afraid. The good news is I am stepping into that fear. I have often quoted a line from one of my favorite books...Fear is the mindkiller.It truly is.It has taken me over and robbed me of my ability to participate in life. When Mr. Bill was alive, he helped me cope with the fears and so I rarely had to let anyone else see how deeply controlled me. One time in the midst of a panic attack he made the remark that I was so strong most of the time that no one but him had any idea that instead of a competent woman I was just a scared little girl. Well, this scared little girl doesn't have her knight in shining armour to help her cope, so she has had to step into the fear and ask her friends. You have no idea how hard that is.
I know I have always been open about the fact that I deal with depression. What I haven't been aware of is that I haven't been able to deal with it this year. But that's the bad news, the good news is I have taken some baby steps. I have made the appointment, I have reached out. Two things so difficult for me right now that they are making me physically ill. But, I did it.
So many care about me,which at this time in my fear doesn't really make sense to me.So many wanted to know what was wrong that I thought this was the easiest way to tell you all. Several have asked how can they help, and right now I honestly don't know how to answer that other than to say keep praying and sending me loving energies. The physical, mental, and financial hole is deep, but with the love of my friends I think I can find a way to start to climb out. A few months ago a friend of mine told me she missed me, and my answer is I miss me too, and I want to find me again.
So keep praying, keep the love and energies coming, you have no idea how much they mean to me. It's the only way I'll have the strength to start to find me.