Alway Say I Love You

Today is a hard day for me. I went to bed on August 22 married to  a great husband and father, and woke up on August 23 his widow. The grieving process seems to be taking me a very long time-but as my therapist says it takes as long as it takes. Part of the problem is that so much else has gone wrong in my life since my husband was killed, but that is a subject for other days.

Today, I will grieve, but I will also know that I am surrounded by the love and caring and support of family and friends and even a few strangers. Today, in the midst of my grief I will temper the sadness with remembering the good, sharing the blessings.One of the most difficult parts of being a widow, is that there is no one to talk to in the middle of the night. Mr. Bill and used to talk to each other for hours at a time. We were very much blessed by being very much in love, but we also genuinely liked each other.

One of the things that made our marriage good was that we talked to each other. If I were giving advice to those getting married it would be to set aside time every day-no matter how busy or hectic your life can get-to talk to each other.Talk about your life, talk about your dreams, talk about the weather-but talk to each other.The other advice I would give is never end a conversation without saying I love you.

Now, I know that sounds a bit contrived, but Mr. Bill and I never regretted making it a rule for our life. Believe me, many,many minor disagreements were settled with just those 3 words. Major disagreements brought into focus, routine conversations made sweeter.It was such a habit for us, that if a phone conversation ended without it being said, we immediately called back.It was a habit that we extended to our conversations with our son-much to his chagrin sometimes. But, hey, isn't it a parents job to make their teenage son squirm?

But doesn't constantly saying I love you trivialize the sentiment? Doesn't it change the 3 most important words in the language into something less meaningful when it simply becomes a habit? My answer is HOW? How can you ever make love not meaningful. I grew up in a home where the words I love you didn't exist, and when I finally found love I knew never to take it for granted. Never. I remember the first I knew what love truly was, and the overwhelming sensation that enveloped me. Not something I would ever be able to take for granted. That was one of the reasons Mr. Bill and I made it a habit to always say I love you, we knew that love was so important that we must never take it for granted.

On that August 22nd, Mr. Bill had started a new job, and we worked different schedules that day. He called me from his new job on every break. That was another one of our habits, we called each other on our breaks. That night, I was at home,and he called me on his breaks and lunch. The last time we spoke was about 11:00 pm. He told me he would be working until about 2:00am, and for me to not wait up. "Take your medicine and go to bed," he said, "you'll  wake up when I get home.I love you." My answer was "OK, wake me up so I can hear about your new job. I love you." I took my medicine and went to bed.

My husband coming home from work wasn't what woke me in the early hours of August 23rd. A Highway Patrolman knocking on  our door to inform me that my husband had been killed by a drunk driver on his way home from that new job is what woke me.While I will never forget that moment when I opened the door and what that highway Patrolman said to me, the more important thing is I will never, NEVER forget that the very last words my husband heard from me,and that I heard from my husband were I LOVE YOU.

Always tell those you love that you love them. Never let a conversation end without reinforcing that.Life can change in the blink of an eye, and if you didn't say it you may not have another opportunity. Make it a habit, make it meaningful, never ever take love for granted.

Always say I love you.

Peace and Blessings,

EB




P.S. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there,just in case. I told a friend once who was embarrassed about asking for help that if we don't make our needs known how does anyone ever know we have needs.The William and I are struggling,and just as embarrassed I am pointing out the button.We are continually blessed.

Choices Have Consequences

Thursday is the anniversary of my husband's death.

My husband was killed by a drunk driver.

Quick, what picture did your mind flash when you read the words 'drunk driver'?

In our case the words 'drunk driver' mean a 22 year old girl. A lovely young woman with her entire life before her. Recently graduated from college, with honors. From all reports, she was a goal oriented, studious college student.She is very close to her family, she goes to church on Sunday. After her May graduation she went to work, as an accountant and moved into her own apartment.

After she got off work Friday night, she reportedly went out with some friends. Young people, enjoying themselves on a Friday night. Laughing, talking, drinking. Then she got into her car to drive home. Her blood alcohol level was around .118, well over the legal limit. In her intoxicated state she drove up a freeway off ramp, past the signs that said WRONG WAY and drove northbound in the southbound lanes for a couple of miles at freeway speeds until she hit my husband's car head on, killing him instantly I am told.

This is on my mind because my friends and I have children in this age group. Children that are stretching their wings. I remember reading somewhere about how a butterfly struggles to exit the cocoon. If we were to help the butterfly, the butterfly would not be able to fly and would die. It seems that the struggle to break free creates the strength necessary to fly. Those of us with growing children know the truth in this. We watch as our children struggle with the silken constraints, and we want so much to help them, but the most we can do is hope that we have taught them right from wrong, and that life is always about choice, and every choice has consequences. We watch our children stretch their wings, and hope they know that there is nothing they can do that will make us stop loving them. We hope they know that when we see them struggle, we will do our best to make sure they learn how to fly.

My husband and I were always very open with our son about our youthful struggles with drugs and alcohol. We felt that since genetics may play a role in addiction, we had a responsibility to tell him our stories. He knows about our 12 step programs, and why we attend. He knows that we celebrate 2 birthdays a year. In fact, he has been quite proud of our milestones over the years. He will tell you that we choose not to use alcohol at our house. He will tell you that we choose not to use illegal drugs at our house. He will tell you these things with pride in his voice, because he knows that in life there is always a choice, and every choice has consequences.

Being a parent is a hard job. We watch our children stretch their wings with such pride and fear. What if we see them struggling, when do we help, how do we help. Have we talked to them about the embarrassing stuff? Kids will groan when the subject turns to sex, drugs, alcohol. They will roll their eyes, but we must tell them anyway.

Do your children know your stories? Do they know that you were their age once, and that you made choices and lived with the consequences of those choices. Sometimes the consequences are benign. You are 22 years old and you choose to celebrate the end of the work week by going out with friends and laughing and talking and having a good time. Since you are choosing to have a drink, you need to have chosen whose turn it is to be the designated driver.

Sometimes the consequences are tragic, and you have too much too drink and you choose to drive drunk, and you drive up the off ramp past the WRONG WAY signs and you kill a man, and nothing is ever the same again.

Peace and Blessings,

EB




P.S. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there,just in case. I told a friend once who was embarrassed about asking for help that if we don't make our needs known how does anyone ever know we have needs.The William and I are struggling,and just as embarrassed I am pointing out the button.We are continually blessed.

I'm Trying

My world has gotten smaller and smaller lately.We don't get out much,just an hour or so to run errands every week or our monthly trip to get meds and labs.

On the other hand, my world is very BIG. It is amazing to this child of the 1950's that I have 'friends' and acquaintances all over the world. I write a blog post and people in Russia, Finland, Indonesia, and Portugal read it. Kind of mind boggling when I think of it.

How awesome is it that I have friends that I can keep in touch with every day, just at the touch of a keyboard and yet, I haven't seen a friend in person in a while. What an odd world we have created.

Not saying it is a bad thing, just thinking out loud. It is actually a very good thing that I am able to interact with people online. If it weren't for cyber connections I would be a hermit living in a cave, and that is not a good thing. Connection is the thing that keeps me going,and I have let that slip.I need to work at it more. I participate on a message board, I spend time on facebook in groups and with friends. These things keep me supported, encouraged and feeling loved so I need to not let them slip away.

"When just being together is more important than what you do...you are with a friend."~~Anonymous~~

This is what my cyber friends are for me.We all know those times when we just spend time not doing anything with our friends. Those are times of mutual rest, relaxation, and contentment, and they are so nice. We all need to have those times when we are able to be quiet together. We are just here to share our days. Some days we deal with big important issues, some days we are just silly, some days, we just share the details of our day, and we know that no matter what we share, someone is glad to see that we posted. Just glad to share the same space with us. Doesn't matter that we are from all over the world, different faiths, different life experiences. Just matters that we came here and spent the time to post. Someone cares that I exist, it says to us when we get a word of encouragement, love, and support.

So, today,I reach out to stay connected.It isn't easy for me these days.Much easier to stay a hermit. The world around me is a lonely place and I need to make myself reach outside of that.

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."~~Thomas Edison 

I'm trying.

Peace and Blessings,

EB




P.S. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there,just in case. I told a friend once who was embarrassed about asking for help that if we don't make our needs known how does anyone ever know we have needs.The William and I are struggling,and just as embarrassed I am pointing out the button.We are continually blessed.

I Can't Hear You When You're Whining

I said this to my son yesterday.As a Mom, I probably said this to my son many times when he was younger.You know us moms, we try to keep the whining to a minimum.

 The truth is, he has every right to whine these days.Yes, his health is stabilized,but still he is not healthy--and won't ever be again.Life is hard for him in ways he really hasn't come to grips with yet. 

This person with autism, who can't stand to be touched has to allow his nurse mom to help him with his medical needs dozens of times a day. He has to tolerate what is to him intolerable, and he must be forgiven for the times that makes him cranky and whiny.

And so when I told him "I can't hear you when you whine" I apologized. If anyone deserves a whine or two it is him.

I was thinking about this last night as I was stressing about some things and it dawned on me (not for the first time) that I stop engaging when my life is hard.I think I figure no one can hear me if I whine, and I really try not to.


In case you haven't noticed,when I get down and out I tend to get quiet. The thing is, if your life is hard you don't have much else to talk about--and you figure nobody wants to hear it anyway.

Sometimes, you can feel so very alone. It doesn't matter if you are surrounded by people, you feel alone. If you are not surrounded by people the alone-ness can become loneliness, and you long for the company of another person, the art of conversation. But, sometimes life is just one hard thing after another and the only thing you can think about sounds whiny, so you just stop talking.

One of my 'friends' messaged me that they would be unfriending me because I was 'whining about being poor again.' 

On the other hand, I have  an amazingly generous friend who regularly  sends me  money when I post about our troubles.Which is always timely and always appreciated,but sometimes I just want to vent and I don't because I feel bad about the appearance of being so damn needy.


I have wonderful friends--thanks to the internet. I rarely see people in real life, but I can power up the computer and there you are.

I realized recently I have been censoring myself a lot. I stopped posting political stuff a couple of years ago because I have friends from all ends of the political spectrum, and I don't want to lose anyone. So,my facebook became just a place to be friends. I do have an outlet for my political views, and I cherish that outlet also.
So,if I am lonely and stressed, I may have to whine about it. I need to stop letting the problems isolate me...and that is something that dawned on me in the middle of the night. I am feeling isolated,and it is mostly my own fault. Because I have people with empathy in my life,and I need to trust that more.

Truth is I can hear my son when he whines, and my friends can hear me when I whine,but it's me--I can hear me when I whine,and is not who I want to be, or enjoy being.

I used to be someone who was positive and optimistic.I used to be able to use words to encourage and as Einstein said "ignite the flame in others". I like me when I am able to do that. I don't like me when I am tired and cranky and needy and whiny--and I think I assume no one else does either.

It is hard when you are struggling with the day to day stresses of life sometimes to remember that you have something to give back to the world. It is all to easy to get wrapped up in the struggles and forget that you weren't always old, and poor, and in pain.It is all too easy to start thinking you have nothing to give back to the world, and feeling useless makes me whiny. And unfortunately I CAN hear when I am whining.

So, I am sorry I get so quiet. It is not any of you,my dear ones, it is me. 

My son may or may not be whiny today. I never know. But I do know he will at some point me me laugh. At some point make me proud. At some point make me think how blessed I am that he is still alive and I can hear him.

So, that is his gift to me. I realize that I am alive, and if I would stop isolating myself there are wonderful friends who can hear me.

I'll try harder.


Peace and Blessings,

EB



P.S. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there,just in case. I told a friend once who was embarrassed about asking for help that if we don't make our needs known how does anyone ever know we have needs.The William and I are struggling,and just as embarrassed I am pointing out the button.We are continually blessed.