Trying to remember to dance

It is more important than  ever to remind remind myself of this. I seem to have become very fragile lately.

Or maybe more people are just being rude and hateful out loud.

Not sure which it is,maye it is both, or maybe I am just thin skinned in my  old age. 

Now I am no stranger to being criticized, heck I do after all call my blog The Fat Lady Thinks, and before I was the Fat Lady I was The Fat Girl.We didn't have social media back then, in middle school they had to make do with slam books.

What is a slam book? Well,back when dinosaurs roamed the earth and I was in middle school the ones who thought they were the cool kids took a spiral notebook and passed it around, everyone adding an insult for the intended recipient.Once the pages were full of the kind of venom you find on social media these days the notebook would be slipped under the door of your locker, and you could read all about how ugly you were and how you didn't deserve to live in the same world as the cool kids.The technology has changed but the intent is still there. Make yourself feel superior by bullying and humiliating someone who fits your description of "other".

So,I have been aware of the ugly all of my life.But, honestly never let it hurt my feelings before,and lately it seems my feelings are fragile.How did that happen?

Maybe it is because the ugly seems to be more pervasive these days.People who wouldn't have dreamed of saying bigoted,or racist,or just downright mean things out loud now make signs and  rally together to attack others.  

Some days I think I must have fallen asleep and awakened in a different universe--or maybe I am just getting old and fragile.But everything just feels wrong most days lately.

My last blogpost was about someone using my circumstances to shame me, and the fact that I had to work through the feelings that it sadly brought up in me. So,naturally someone felt the need to reinforce some of those feelings a few days later. Damn people, knock it off.

I have no answers. I have no idea how we got back to the place where it is acceptable to be racist or sexist or ableist or homophobic. It felt for a while like we had moved past that ugly part of our cultural heritage. 

It is wrong.It has always been wrong.But, unfortunately, even people I care for and consider friends have become open about these types of feelings. Seemingly lovely people seem to be reveling in the fact that others aren't as deserving as they are.

Those who in time gone by would kill a man because of the color of his skin or his religion or  sexuality are still around. They are still killing people they may be doing it more slowly, taking away healthcare, or food benefits, but they are still killing people.

And honestly, most of us know this is wrong,we just don't know how to fix it.

There is no shame in being poor, or a different race or religion or sexuality. 

There has to be a way to stop this.I wish I knew how, because I am starting to feel beat down by all of this.

I am poor, my son and I are disabled, we have to rely on the kindness of others.The kind people outnumber the hateful people...so why are the hateful people so loud in my head?

It is possible to go through life without demonizing and  marginalizing others. It is possible, well, I used to think it was.

I have no answers. I just know I am feeling fragile, and wish I didn't.

So, like to woman in the illustration I must try remember when I danced.

It is hard when you are struggling with the day to day stresses of life sometimes to remember that you still have something to give back to the world, no matter how many people try to tell you you don't. It is all too easy to get wrapped in the struggles and forget that you weren't always old and poor and in pain. That your son wasn't always sick. That your bills were paid and you were the one who was able to help others.That  you lived in a country that was moving toward diversity not away from it.

It is all too easy too forget that even though life isn't what someone else considers acceptable it is still your life and you  matter.

So, I can't say I wont get my feelings hurt.

I will continue to worry and stress about the problems--mine and the world--like being out of money too soon this month.

But for today I am going to do my best to remember a time in my life when I danced.That while I can't dance any more that I still matter.

Me and lots of other folks.

I can be extremely stressed and extremely blessed at the same time.

I am multifaceted that way.


Peace and Blessings,
EB

p.s. there is a paypal button over there,just in case you feel led.My son and I are struggling, and there is no shame in admitting that.

Memo to my stalkery troll

Dear troll,


You came onto a message board over the weekend and I am embarrassed to say that your hateful hurtful attack on me managed to take up space in my head for a couple of days.I advised that it was not necessary to respond to you, and the conversation went forward. But then,in the wee hours as I tossed and turned you were in my head,and I felt shame over the situation you used to mock my developmentally disabled invalid son and our situation.

How embarrassing that I let you get in my head. You were not original in your cruel taunt, and yet were emblematic of the troublesome aspects of society that seek to punish those less fortunate or marginalized communities in our culture. You are merely symptomatic of a prevalent narrative that unfortunate circumstances or differences in beliefs or culture make some of us less worthy than you. 

You are not in the majority. Yes, you are part of a loud minority that is having some success right now in taking our culture down to its lowest common lack of humanity,but you really are outnumbered.

You have managed to elect some politicians that are playing to the basest hatreds among us which brings us to what you tried to shame me with.
Yes, I am in the embarrassing situation of living in a red state where the social safety net has been seriously eroded and I have used and may have to use again the gofundme platform. to help keep my son and I from falling even farther down the rabbit hole that leads to homelessness. I am unfortunately not alone,thousands and thousands of people are forced to use sources like gofundme to keep access to some basic needs such as healthcare, a roof over their head, and food on the table.

It is actually a bit of a paradox that you would choose to mock my son and I because we are in the position of needing help.Your politicians have done your bidding, and the social safety net is broken so like so many others we have been helped by caring friends and strangers.Are you so convinced that some people are so less than worthy that having made it impossible to find resources you begrudge them even  the support of others. That is just pure meanness.

Are you still reading...I bet you are,because you seemed to know a few details of my life, you must pay attention to me.

I let you get in my head, and I am feeling foolish about that. But, there is a stigma attached to being poor in this country. 

Not that it makes a difference to you, mostly just to remind myself that I have nothing to be ashamed of let me give you a quick summary of how I got here.

I have had a good life. A fair share of obstacles, a bigger share of blessings. I worked my way through college. Had a couple of successful careers and have been fortunate in many things.

I was a single mother of a special needs child who met and married a wonderful man.We worked hard and bought a house in the suburbs and were enjoying our little slice of the American Dream on our lower middle class rung of the ladder.You should appreciate this, we worked separate shifts so that one of us was always available for our son. No use of outside resources.
Life was good, one or two glitches like me developing a rare neurological disorder,but we worked hard and had good health care, so we moved forward with our hopes and dreams.

And Then life changed. In the blink of an eye.

My husband was killed by a drunk driver.So my son and I moved forward on our own again.

Then I fell at work and broke my shoulder. Surgery to fix that,but the night before I was scheduled to return to work I fell in my kitchen and broke my leg.During the rehab my neurological disorder worsened and I ended up in this wheelchair and couldn't go back to work.

We lost our house that my husband had been so proud of to foreclosure. So my son and I moved forward in an apartment.

But then my son got sick. Really really sick and we are now making the choices to juggle. Do we eat or does he get the medical supplies that medicaid won't cover.Do we get behind on the utilities to buy groceries. Choices that poor people all over our country are forced to make, and many like us live in places with broken safety nets and have to depend on help from others.

This is a humbling place to be in life, and still someone like you chooses to mock us. Are we just not dying quick enough for you.

So, yes you got in my head, and I should know better. Because even though I am struggling and behind on the bills, I have something you obviously lack in your place of privilege. I have worth and empathy and compassion.

One of my favorite authors said... 

"Empathy is really the opposite of spiritual meanness. It's the capacity to understand that every war is both won and lost. And that someone else's pain is as meaningful as your own."~~Barbara Kingsolver

Empathy goes many directions. When we lose the ability to empathize, we not only lose the ability to understand and share when people are having hard times, we lose the ability to be joyful when they are being blessed. And I think that, leads to what Barbara Kingsolver describes as spiritual meanness.

I am so sorry I let you get in my head. I know better. But, at least it gave me the opportunity to remember that I am blessed.

Yes, I may have to use gofundme again,but since I am fairly certain you are not the type to help anyone you deem less than, you really can refrain from mocking me for it. It is an uncomfortable place to be,but not nearly as uncomfortable as needing to anonymously lash out at someone.

So, even though I advised others to not respond to you, I am responding to the feelings in me.They kept me tossing and turning for a night or two, and they shouldn't have. 

I have used gofundme, there is a paypal button over there, and that is just where I am in life.

Peace and Blessings,

EB

Hello October

Dear October, please realize that September was just a meanie that hung around way too long and kicked our butts and we would like you to be especially nice to make up for it.



October? already? How did that happen? the end of summer. Good. Summer has been a bitch lately. In fact, it would not hurt my feelings if we just struck August and September from the calendar. They are hard months, the last couple of years.


September was hard,the computer is not working well,so I haven't been able to keep up with friends--I haven't been able to get onto facebook or blogspot,or any pages that required a password. Parts of the keyboard stopped working,and most of my passwords use letters from that side of the keyboard. But I have finally managed to make new passwords--and am actually pleased to note that many pages make that a difficult process--and for the first time ever am letting the computer keep the passwords for me.Typing is slow,I have to copy and paste some letters and numbers.Sigh...it is always something.



September was another month I ran out of money and had to tell my son we couldn't buy groceries because he needed medical supplies. But, he's a trouper, this is how that kind of conversation goes...



Me: It's hard the last week of the months some months. Sometimes it seems like it takes a while for the universe to provide.



Son: Did you tell the universe we have paypal?



Hey, you can get through anything when your kid makes you smile! We call these snippets of conversation Williamisms.



Being poor is hard work sometimes. No matter what anyone tells you (and I try to not pay attention) poor folks are not living like kings. We are managing as best we can, and we are scared to death most weeks that there will be an emergency. When something breaks, we learn to live without it. When the computer that is your lifeline to the outside world is on its last leg you hold your breath every day. Because that is what poor people do. We just tighten our belts until there is no more space for new notches.



But, it's OK, because there are far more important things in life than things and there are always reasons to smile.



So, even though we all struggle, there are always moments to share. The important things in life are always available. A son with a quick wit is everything.



So, bring it on October. Even if we have to choose whether to buy groceries or pay bills, even if we have to lay hands on the computer and pray it keeps going, we will always be able to find something to make us smile.



"The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it.You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache."~~Marjorie Pay Hinckley.



So, C'mon October! I am ready, I will greet you with a laugh and a smile.Be nice, because September just needs to leave, it's not nearly as lovely as you are.





Peace and Blessings,

EB




p.s. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there, just in case. I told a friend who was embarrassed about asking for help that if we don't make our needs known how does anyone ever know we have needs. So, just as embarrassed, I am pointing out the button. Blessings.