Steps taken, baby steps, but steps...

So, after I got brave and blogged about where I have descended to in life, several things have happened--many more need to, but that is part of the story.This will be long, but for me putting things down and out there is a step--and don't we say on social media when we talk about life sometimes that "this may be bloggy"?

FIRST, I am still working on not feeling the shame and fear, and it is just hard. The positive words and actions of encouragement from so many online friends has been the only thing keeping me taking even baby steps, and I can not express how very very important you all are to me.


When you come to the place where you can admit that you have become pretty much non functional, you see how much you have let slip, and it is all overwhelming. You are operating from the bottom of a deep hole, and just starting seems impossible. You tend to feel paralyzed by it all into remaining  in inaction--even though you are not stupid enough to think inaction is acceptable. AND of all my fears and anxieties--feeling stupid is one of the things that is most uncomfortable to me.

SO, after I blogged my distress signal, I actually did make some phone calls.

I ended up with the numbers for 4 crisis lines, and called all 4.Let me say ONE was extremely helpful, one was generally helpful, and two of them, when I got off the phone I wanted to smack the person I had been talking to.


I found that the County Mental Health Center has changed the way it does things and I will be welcome to use their services, after some obstacles have been cleared.This is big, since I was denied service there while we were in the midst of my sons worst health issues. Long story, but it really is the most convenient place for me.

But there are major obstacles.

First, I lost my drivers license--not they took it away from me, I just must have dropped it somewhere, and you have to have valid ID to be helped. SO, this was a step I managed to take--I steeled my nerves and went to THE DMV!!

Now,it also seems my license had expired on my birthday last month, and I have also managed to lose my birth certificate. BUT, being old has its perks--you do not NEED a copy of your birth certificate at the DMV if you are 65 or older--and my last birthday put me in that category. Who knew getting old wasn't all bad?

So,things actually went really easily at the DMV--and how many times will you ever hear someone say that so far the DMV experience has been the most positive part of the story? 

I renewed my driver's license, I have a lovely temporary copy-BUT the Mental Health Center doesn't accept temporary and the new license takes 2-4 weeks to arrive. OK , setback, but what are you going to do? I have made calls, and taken at least one proactive step,  so it is half a victory.

The next obstacle is getting enough money to take care of the expired tags on my car. Because of the generosity of strangers I am halfway there.

I was also able to pay the gas bill, so they won't turn that off--we still have hot water.

The electric bill is in arrears, along with the car that is the next project.

So, I am not out of the woods, I am however taking teeny tiny little steps towards the meadow (ok, was that a really bad metaphor?)

I just need to keep moving, as slow and tortured as it is, and I am doing my best.

So, I guess all of this is just to say thanks for the support--please keep it coming, and I think using my blog to be accountable will be something I can do as a step.

Thank you all.

EB

Why I stopped looking at Facebook and other things

I am depressed. Seriously depressed, and I need to find the strength to start calling and getting help.

I stopped looking at and posting on  facebook without really realizing that is what I was doling.

Last fall, I blogged about someone who had been harassing me online, and that it had affected me more than it should have.Turned out it was someone that I didn't know,but then  a couple of times I posted on facebook about problems in our lives--and our lives are problematic, and someone I did know made comments.

So I stopped posting.

Part of the problem is that it is all too easy to retreat into isolation in this day and age.Too easy to not have real life face to face interaction with people, and so there is no one to tell you that they are worried about you as you become detached from life.

 So, here I am deeply depressed, and not really knowing how I let it go on this long--but then that is the thing about depression.

So, send me some good thoughts. I am working up the strength to start making phone calls and finding help--again.

It is not easy.

There is embarrassment and shame, and fear. SO MUCH FEAR.

Life is just hard, we are always struggling financially with no let up, and as blessed as we are we also live in fear. Is this the day they turn the gas off? Is this the week I can't afford groceries? Damn, my car tags are expired again.

The stress and shame has worn me out, and I need all of the encouragement I can get to find my way back to the world. 


So prayers, mojo,good thoughts please. I miss being a real person, and I feel so unreal right now.


Peace, I really need some.

EB


P.S. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there just in case.My son and I are struggling, it is embarrassing and fearful to point it out. 

  

Where were you at 22?

In honor of my late husband,today is his birthday,  please tell your young ones your stories as they make their way into the world. 





My husband was killed by a drunk driver.

Quick, what picture did your mind flash when you read the words 'drunk driver'?

In our case the words 'drunk driver' mean a 22 year old girl. A lovely young woman with her entire life before her. Recently graduated from college, with honors. From all reports, she was a goal oriented, studious college student.She is very close to her family, she goes to church on Sunday. After her May graduation she went to work, as an accountant and moved into her own apartment.

After she got off work Friday night, she reportedly went out with some friends. Young people, enjoying themselves on a Friday night. Laughing, talking, drinking. Then she got into her car to drive home. Her blood alcohol level was around .118, well over the legal limit. In her intoxicated state she drove up a freeway off ramp, past the signs that said WRONG WAY and drove northbound in the southbound lanes for a couple of miles at freeway speeds until she hit my husband's car head on, killing him instantly I am told.

This is on my mind because my friends and I have children in this age group. Children that are stretching their wings. I remember reading somewhere about how a butterfly struggles to exit the cocoon. If we were to help the butterfly, the butterfly would not be able to fly and would die. It seems that the struggle to break free creates the strength necessary to fly. Those of us with growing children know the truth in this. We watch as our children struggle with the silken constraints, and we want so much to help them, but the most we can do is hope that we have taught them right from wrong, and that life is always about choice, and every choice has consequences. We watch our children stretch their wings, and hope they know that there is nothing they can do that will make us stop loving them. We hope they know that when we see them struggle, we will do our best to make sure they learn how to fly.

My husband and I were always very open with our son about our youthful struggles with drugs and alcohol. We felt that since genetics may play a role in addiction, we had a responsibility to tell him our stories. He knows about our 12 step programs, and why we attend. He knows that we celebrate 2 birthdays a year. In fact, he has been quite proud of our milestones over the years. He will tell you that we choose not to use alcohol at our house. He will tell you that we choose not to use illegal drugs at our house. He will tell you these things with pride in his voice, because he knows that in life there is always a choice, and every choice has consequences.

Being a parent is a hard job. We watch our children stretch their wings with such pride and fear. What if we see them struggling, when do we help, how do we help. Have we talked to them about the embarrassing stuff? Kids will groan when the subject turns to sex, drugs, alcohol. They will roll their eyes, but we must tell them anyway.

Do your children know your stories? Do they know that you were their age once, and that you made choices and lived with the consequences of those choices. Sometimes the consequences are benign. You are 22 years old and you choose to celebrate the end of the work week by going out with friends and laughing and talking and having a good time. Since you are choosing to have a drink, you have chosen whose turn it is to be the designated driver.

Sometimes the consequences are tragic, and you have too much too drink and you choose to drive drunk, and you drive up the off ramp past the WRONG WAY signs and you kill a man, and nothing is ever the same again.

Peace and Blessings,

 EB

P.S. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there,just in case. I told a friend once who was embarrassed about asking for help that if we don't make our needs known how does anyone ever know we have needs.The William and I are struggling,and just as embarrassed I am pointing out the button.We are continually blessed.