So, after I got brave and blogged about where I have descended to in life, several things have happened--many more need to, but that is part of the story.This will be long, but for me putting things down and out there is a step--and don't we say on social media when we talk about life sometimes that "this may be bloggy"?
FIRST, I am still working on not feeling the shame and fear, and it is just hard. The positive words and actions of encouragement from so many online friends has been the only thing keeping me taking even baby steps, and I can not express how very very important you all are to me.
When you come to the place where you can admit that you have become pretty much non functional, you see how much you have let slip, and it is all overwhelming. You are operating from the bottom of a deep hole, and just starting seems impossible. You tend to feel paralyzed by it all into remaining in inaction--even though you are not stupid enough to think inaction is acceptable. AND of all my fears and anxieties--feeling stupid is one of the things that is most uncomfortable to me.
SO, after I blogged my distress signal, I actually did make some phone calls.
I ended up with the numbers for 4 crisis lines, and called all 4.Let me say ONE was extremely helpful, one was generally helpful, and two of them, when I got off the phone I wanted to smack the person I had been talking to.
I found that the County Mental Health Center has changed the way it does things and I will be welcome to use their services, after some obstacles have been cleared.This is big, since I was denied service there while we were in the midst of my sons worst health issues. Long story, but it really is the most convenient place for me.
But there are major obstacles.
First, I lost my drivers license--not they took it away from me, I just must have dropped it somewhere, and you have to have valid ID to be helped. SO, this was a step I managed to take--I steeled my nerves and went to THE DMV!!
Now,it also seems my license had expired on my birthday last month, and I have also managed to lose my birth certificate. BUT, being old has its perks--you do not NEED a copy of your birth certificate at the DMV if you are 65 or older--and my last birthday put me in that category. Who knew getting old wasn't all bad?
So,things actually went really easily at the DMV--and how many times will you ever hear someone say that so far the DMV experience has been the most positive part of the story?
I renewed my driver's license, I have a lovely temporary copy-BUT the Mental Health Center doesn't accept temporary and the new license takes 2-4 weeks to arrive. OK , setback, but what are you going to do? I have made calls, and taken at least one proactive step, so it is half a victory.
The next obstacle is getting enough money to take care of the expired tags on my car. Because of the generosity of strangers I am halfway there.
I was also able to pay the gas bill, so they won't turn that off--we still have hot water.
The electric bill is in arrears, along with the car that is the next project.
So, I am not out of the woods, I am however taking teeny tiny little steps towards the meadow (ok, was that a really bad metaphor?)
I just need to keep moving, as slow and tortured as it is, and I am doing my best.
So, I guess all of this is just to say thanks for the support--please keep it coming, and I think using my blog to be accountable will be something I can do as a step.
Thank you all.
EB
FIRST, I am still working on not feeling the shame and fear, and it is just hard. The positive words and actions of encouragement from so many online friends has been the only thing keeping me taking even baby steps, and I can not express how very very important you all are to me.
When you come to the place where you can admit that you have become pretty much non functional, you see how much you have let slip, and it is all overwhelming. You are operating from the bottom of a deep hole, and just starting seems impossible. You tend to feel paralyzed by it all into remaining in inaction--even though you are not stupid enough to think inaction is acceptable. AND of all my fears and anxieties--feeling stupid is one of the things that is most uncomfortable to me.
SO, after I blogged my distress signal, I actually did make some phone calls.
I ended up with the numbers for 4 crisis lines, and called all 4.Let me say ONE was extremely helpful, one was generally helpful, and two of them, when I got off the phone I wanted to smack the person I had been talking to.
I found that the County Mental Health Center has changed the way it does things and I will be welcome to use their services, after some obstacles have been cleared.This is big, since I was denied service there while we were in the midst of my sons worst health issues. Long story, but it really is the most convenient place for me.
But there are major obstacles.
First, I lost my drivers license--not they took it away from me, I just must have dropped it somewhere, and you have to have valid ID to be helped. SO, this was a step I managed to take--I steeled my nerves and went to THE DMV!!
Now,it also seems my license had expired on my birthday last month, and I have also managed to lose my birth certificate. BUT, being old has its perks--you do not NEED a copy of your birth certificate at the DMV if you are 65 or older--and my last birthday put me in that category. Who knew getting old wasn't all bad?
So,things actually went really easily at the DMV--and how many times will you ever hear someone say that so far the DMV experience has been the most positive part of the story?
I renewed my driver's license, I have a lovely temporary copy-BUT the Mental Health Center doesn't accept temporary and the new license takes 2-4 weeks to arrive. OK , setback, but what are you going to do? I have made calls, and taken at least one proactive step, so it is half a victory.
The next obstacle is getting enough money to take care of the expired tags on my car. Because of the generosity of strangers I am halfway there.
I was also able to pay the gas bill, so they won't turn that off--we still have hot water.
The electric bill is in arrears, along with the car that is the next project.
So, I am not out of the woods, I am however taking teeny tiny little steps towards the meadow (ok, was that a really bad metaphor?)
I just need to keep moving, as slow and tortured as it is, and I am doing my best.
So, I guess all of this is just to say thanks for the support--please keep it coming, and I think using my blog to be accountable will be something I can do as a step.
Thank you all.
EB
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