Memo to my stalkery troll

Dear troll,


You came onto a message board over the weekend and I am embarrassed to say that your hateful hurtful attack on me managed to take up space in my head for a couple of days.I advised that it was not necessary to respond to you, and the conversation went forward. But then,in the wee hours as I tossed and turned you were in my head,and I felt shame over the situation you used to mock my developmentally disabled invalid son and our situation.

How embarrassing that I let you get in my head. You were not original in your cruel taunt, and yet were emblematic of the troublesome aspects of society that seek to punish those less fortunate or marginalized communities in our culture. You are merely symptomatic of a prevalent narrative that unfortunate circumstances or differences in beliefs or culture make some of us less worthy than you. 

You are not in the majority. Yes, you are part of a loud minority that is having some success right now in taking our culture down to its lowest common lack of humanity,but you really are outnumbered.

You have managed to elect some politicians that are playing to the basest hatreds among us which brings us to what you tried to shame me with.
Yes, I am in the embarrassing situation of living in a red state where the social safety net has been seriously eroded and I have used and may have to use again the gofundme platform. to help keep my son and I from falling even farther down the rabbit hole that leads to homelessness. I am unfortunately not alone,thousands and thousands of people are forced to use sources like gofundme to keep access to some basic needs such as healthcare, a roof over their head, and food on the table.

It is actually a bit of a paradox that you would choose to mock my son and I because we are in the position of needing help.Your politicians have done your bidding, and the social safety net is broken so like so many others we have been helped by caring friends and strangers.Are you so convinced that some people are so less than worthy that having made it impossible to find resources you begrudge them even  the support of others. That is just pure meanness.

Are you still reading...I bet you are,because you seemed to know a few details of my life, you must pay attention to me.

I let you get in my head, and I am feeling foolish about that. But, there is a stigma attached to being poor in this country. 

Not that it makes a difference to you, mostly just to remind myself that I have nothing to be ashamed of let me give you a quick summary of how I got here.

I have had a good life. A fair share of obstacles, a bigger share of blessings. I worked my way through college. Had a couple of successful careers and have been fortunate in many things.

I was a single mother of a special needs child who met and married a wonderful man.We worked hard and bought a house in the suburbs and were enjoying our little slice of the American Dream on our lower middle class rung of the ladder.You should appreciate this, we worked separate shifts so that one of us was always available for our son. No use of outside resources.
Life was good, one or two glitches like me developing a rare neurological disorder,but we worked hard and had good health care, so we moved forward with our hopes and dreams.

And Then life changed. In the blink of an eye.

My husband was killed by a drunk driver.So my son and I moved forward on our own again.

Then I fell at work and broke my shoulder. Surgery to fix that,but the night before I was scheduled to return to work I fell in my kitchen and broke my leg.During the rehab my neurological disorder worsened and I ended up in this wheelchair and couldn't go back to work.

We lost our house that my husband had been so proud of to foreclosure. So my son and I moved forward in an apartment.

But then my son got sick. Really really sick and we are now making the choices to juggle. Do we eat or does he get the medical supplies that medicaid won't cover.Do we get behind on the utilities to buy groceries. Choices that poor people all over our country are forced to make, and many like us live in places with broken safety nets and have to depend on help from others.

This is a humbling place to be in life, and still someone like you chooses to mock us. Are we just not dying quick enough for you.

So, yes you got in my head, and I should know better. Because even though I am struggling and behind on the bills, I have something you obviously lack in your place of privilege. I have worth and empathy and compassion.

One of my favorite authors said... 

"Empathy is really the opposite of spiritual meanness. It's the capacity to understand that every war is both won and lost. And that someone else's pain is as meaningful as your own."~~Barbara Kingsolver

Empathy goes many directions. When we lose the ability to empathize, we not only lose the ability to understand and share when people are having hard times, we lose the ability to be joyful when they are being blessed. And I think that, leads to what Barbara Kingsolver describes as spiritual meanness.

I am so sorry I let you get in my head. I know better. But, at least it gave me the opportunity to remember that I am blessed.

Yes, I may have to use gofundme again,but since I am fairly certain you are not the type to help anyone you deem less than, you really can refrain from mocking me for it. It is an uncomfortable place to be,but not nearly as uncomfortable as needing to anonymously lash out at someone.

So, even though I advised others to not respond to you, I am responding to the feelings in me.They kept me tossing and turning for a night or two, and they shouldn't have. 

I have used gofundme, there is a paypal button over there, and that is just where I am in life.

Peace and Blessings,

EB

Hello October

Dear October, please realize that September was just a meanie that hung around way too long and kicked our butts and we would like you to be especially nice to make up for it.



October? already? How did that happen? the end of summer. Good. Summer has been a bitch lately. In fact, it would not hurt my feelings if we just struck August and September from the calendar. They are hard months, the last couple of years.


September was hard,the computer is not working well,so I haven't been able to keep up with friends--I haven't been able to get onto facebook or blogspot,or any pages that required a password. Parts of the keyboard stopped working,and most of my passwords use letters from that side of the keyboard. But I have finally managed to make new passwords--and am actually pleased to note that many pages make that a difficult process--and for the first time ever am letting the computer keep the passwords for me.Typing is slow,I have to copy and paste some letters and numbers.Sigh...it is always something.



September was another month I ran out of money and had to tell my son we couldn't buy groceries because he needed medical supplies. But, he's a trouper, this is how that kind of conversation goes...



Me: It's hard the last week of the months some months. Sometimes it seems like it takes a while for the universe to provide.



Son: Did you tell the universe we have paypal?



Hey, you can get through anything when your kid makes you smile! We call these snippets of conversation Williamisms.



Being poor is hard work sometimes. No matter what anyone tells you (and I try to not pay attention) poor folks are not living like kings. We are managing as best we can, and we are scared to death most weeks that there will be an emergency. When something breaks, we learn to live without it. When the computer that is your lifeline to the outside world is on its last leg you hold your breath every day. Because that is what poor people do. We just tighten our belts until there is no more space for new notches.



But, it's OK, because there are far more important things in life than things and there are always reasons to smile.



So, even though we all struggle, there are always moments to share. The important things in life are always available. A son with a quick wit is everything.



So, bring it on October. Even if we have to choose whether to buy groceries or pay bills, even if we have to lay hands on the computer and pray it keeps going, we will always be able to find something to make us smile.



"The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it.You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache."~~Marjorie Pay Hinckley.



So, C'mon October! I am ready, I will greet you with a laugh and a smile.Be nice, because September just needs to leave, it's not nearly as lovely as you are.





Peace and Blessings,

EB




p.s. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there, just in case. I told a friend who was embarrassed about asking for help that if we don't make our needs known how does anyone ever know we have needs. So, just as embarrassed, I am pointing out the button. Blessings.

Alway Say I Love You

Today is a hard day for me. I went to bed on August 22 married to  a great husband and father, and woke up on August 23 his widow. The grieving process seems to be taking me a very long time-but as my therapist says it takes as long as it takes. Part of the problem is that so much else has gone wrong in my life since my husband was killed, but that is a subject for other days.

Today, I will grieve, but I will also know that I am surrounded by the love and caring and support of family and friends and even a few strangers. Today, in the midst of my grief I will temper the sadness with remembering the good, sharing the blessings.One of the most difficult parts of being a widow, is that there is no one to talk to in the middle of the night. Mr. Bill and used to talk to each other for hours at a time. We were very much blessed by being very much in love, but we also genuinely liked each other.

One of the things that made our marriage good was that we talked to each other. If I were giving advice to those getting married it would be to set aside time every day-no matter how busy or hectic your life can get-to talk to each other.Talk about your life, talk about your dreams, talk about the weather-but talk to each other.The other advice I would give is never end a conversation without saying I love you.

Now, I know that sounds a bit contrived, but Mr. Bill and I never regretted making it a rule for our life. Believe me, many,many minor disagreements were settled with just those 3 words. Major disagreements brought into focus, routine conversations made sweeter.It was such a habit for us, that if a phone conversation ended without it being said, we immediately called back.It was a habit that we extended to our conversations with our son-much to his chagrin sometimes. But, hey, isn't it a parents job to make their teenage son squirm?

But doesn't constantly saying I love you trivialize the sentiment? Doesn't it change the 3 most important words in the language into something less meaningful when it simply becomes a habit? My answer is HOW? How can you ever make love not meaningful. I grew up in a home where the words I love you didn't exist, and when I finally found love I knew never to take it for granted. Never. I remember the first I knew what love truly was, and the overwhelming sensation that enveloped me. Not something I would ever be able to take for granted. That was one of the reasons Mr. Bill and I made it a habit to always say I love you, we knew that love was so important that we must never take it for granted.

On that August 22nd, Mr. Bill had started a new job, and we worked different schedules that day. He called me from his new job on every break. That was another one of our habits, we called each other on our breaks. That night, I was at home,and he called me on his breaks and lunch. The last time we spoke was about 11:00 pm. He told me he would be working until about 2:00am, and for me to not wait up. "Take your medicine and go to bed," he said, "you'll  wake up when I get home.I love you." My answer was "OK, wake me up so I can hear about your new job. I love you." I took my medicine and went to bed.

My husband coming home from work wasn't what woke me in the early hours of August 23rd. A Highway Patrolman knocking on  our door to inform me that my husband had been killed by a drunk driver on his way home from that new job is what woke me.While I will never forget that moment when I opened the door and what that highway Patrolman said to me, the more important thing is I will never, NEVER forget that the very last words my husband heard from me,and that I heard from my husband were I LOVE YOU.

Always tell those you love that you love them. Never let a conversation end without reinforcing that.Life can change in the blink of an eye, and if you didn't say it you may not have another opportunity. Make it a habit, make it meaningful, never ever take love for granted.

Always say I love you.

Peace and Blessings,

EB




P.S. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there,just in case. I told a friend once who was embarrassed about asking for help that if we don't make our needs known how does anyone ever know we have needs.The William and I are struggling,and just as embarrassed I am pointing out the button.We are continually blessed.

Choices Have Consequences

Thursday is the anniversary of my husband's death.

My husband was killed by a drunk driver.

Quick, what picture did your mind flash when you read the words 'drunk driver'?

In our case the words 'drunk driver' mean a 22 year old girl. A lovely young woman with her entire life before her. Recently graduated from college, with honors. From all reports, she was a goal oriented, studious college student.She is very close to her family, she goes to church on Sunday. After her May graduation she went to work, as an accountant and moved into her own apartment.

After she got off work Friday night, she reportedly went out with some friends. Young people, enjoying themselves on a Friday night. Laughing, talking, drinking. Then she got into her car to drive home. Her blood alcohol level was around .118, well over the legal limit. In her intoxicated state she drove up a freeway off ramp, past the signs that said WRONG WAY and drove northbound in the southbound lanes for a couple of miles at freeway speeds until she hit my husband's car head on, killing him instantly I am told.

This is on my mind because my friends and I have children in this age group. Children that are stretching their wings. I remember reading somewhere about how a butterfly struggles to exit the cocoon. If we were to help the butterfly, the butterfly would not be able to fly and would die. It seems that the struggle to break free creates the strength necessary to fly. Those of us with growing children know the truth in this. We watch as our children struggle with the silken constraints, and we want so much to help them, but the most we can do is hope that we have taught them right from wrong, and that life is always about choice, and every choice has consequences. We watch our children stretch their wings, and hope they know that there is nothing they can do that will make us stop loving them. We hope they know that when we see them struggle, we will do our best to make sure they learn how to fly.

My husband and I were always very open with our son about our youthful struggles with drugs and alcohol. We felt that since genetics may play a role in addiction, we had a responsibility to tell him our stories. He knows about our 12 step programs, and why we attend. He knows that we celebrate 2 birthdays a year. In fact, he has been quite proud of our milestones over the years. He will tell you that we choose not to use alcohol at our house. He will tell you that we choose not to use illegal drugs at our house. He will tell you these things with pride in his voice, because he knows that in life there is always a choice, and every choice has consequences.

Being a parent is a hard job. We watch our children stretch their wings with such pride and fear. What if we see them struggling, when do we help, how do we help. Have we talked to them about the embarrassing stuff? Kids will groan when the subject turns to sex, drugs, alcohol. They will roll their eyes, but we must tell them anyway.

Do your children know your stories? Do they know that you were their age once, and that you made choices and lived with the consequences of those choices. Sometimes the consequences are benign. You are 22 years old and you choose to celebrate the end of the work week by going out with friends and laughing and talking and having a good time. Since you are choosing to have a drink, you need to have chosen whose turn it is to be the designated driver.

Sometimes the consequences are tragic, and you have too much too drink and you choose to drive drunk, and you drive up the off ramp past the WRONG WAY signs and you kill a man, and nothing is ever the same again.

Peace and Blessings,

EB




P.S. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there,just in case. I told a friend once who was embarrassed about asking for help that if we don't make our needs known how does anyone ever know we have needs.The William and I are struggling,and just as embarrassed I am pointing out the button.We are continually blessed.

I'm Trying

My world has gotten smaller and smaller lately.We don't get out much,just an hour or so to run errands every week or our monthly trip to get meds and labs.

On the other hand, my world is very BIG. It is amazing to this child of the 1950's that I have 'friends' and acquaintances all over the world. I write a blog post and people in Russia, Finland, Indonesia, and Portugal read it. Kind of mind boggling when I think of it.

How awesome is it that I have friends that I can keep in touch with every day, just at the touch of a keyboard and yet, I haven't seen a friend in person in a while. What an odd world we have created.

Not saying it is a bad thing, just thinking out loud. It is actually a very good thing that I am able to interact with people online. If it weren't for cyber connections I would be a hermit living in a cave, and that is not a good thing. Connection is the thing that keeps me going,and I have let that slip.I need to work at it more. I participate on a message board, I spend time on facebook in groups and with friends. These things keep me supported, encouraged and feeling loved so I need to not let them slip away.

"When just being together is more important than what you do...you are with a friend."~~Anonymous~~

This is what my cyber friends are for me.We all know those times when we just spend time not doing anything with our friends. Those are times of mutual rest, relaxation, and contentment, and they are so nice. We all need to have those times when we are able to be quiet together. We are just here to share our days. Some days we deal with big important issues, some days we are just silly, some days, we just share the details of our day, and we know that no matter what we share, someone is glad to see that we posted. Just glad to share the same space with us. Doesn't matter that we are from all over the world, different faiths, different life experiences. Just matters that we came here and spent the time to post. Someone cares that I exist, it says to us when we get a word of encouragement, love, and support.

So, today,I reach out to stay connected.It isn't easy for me these days.Much easier to stay a hermit. The world around me is a lonely place and I need to make myself reach outside of that.

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."~~Thomas Edison 

I'm trying.

Peace and Blessings,

EB




P.S. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there,just in case. I told a friend once who was embarrassed about asking for help that if we don't make our needs known how does anyone ever know we have needs.The William and I are struggling,and just as embarrassed I am pointing out the button.We are continually blessed.

I Can't Hear You When You're Whining

I said this to my son yesterday.As a Mom, I probably said this to my son many times when he was younger.You know us moms, we try to keep the whining to a minimum.

 The truth is, he has every right to whine these days.Yes, his health is stabilized,but still he is not healthy--and won't ever be again.Life is hard for him in ways he really hasn't come to grips with yet. 

This person with autism, who can't stand to be touched has to allow his nurse mom to help him with his medical needs dozens of times a day. He has to tolerate what is to him intolerable, and he must be forgiven for the times that makes him cranky and whiny.

And so when I told him "I can't hear you when you whine" I apologized. If anyone deserves a whine or two it is him.

I was thinking about this last night as I was stressing about some things and it dawned on me (not for the first time) that I stop engaging when my life is hard.I think I figure no one can hear me if I whine, and I really try not to.


In case you haven't noticed,when I get down and out I tend to get quiet. The thing is, if your life is hard you don't have much else to talk about--and you figure nobody wants to hear it anyway.

Sometimes, you can feel so very alone. It doesn't matter if you are surrounded by people, you feel alone. If you are not surrounded by people the alone-ness can become loneliness, and you long for the company of another person, the art of conversation. But, sometimes life is just one hard thing after another and the only thing you can think about sounds whiny, so you just stop talking.

One of my 'friends' messaged me that they would be unfriending me because I was 'whining about being poor again.' 

On the other hand, I have  an amazingly generous friend who regularly  sends me  money when I post about our troubles.Which is always timely and always appreciated,but sometimes I just want to vent and I don't because I feel bad about the appearance of being so damn needy.


I have wonderful friends--thanks to the internet. I rarely see people in real life, but I can power up the computer and there you are.

I realized recently I have been censoring myself a lot. I stopped posting political stuff a couple of years ago because I have friends from all ends of the political spectrum, and I don't want to lose anyone. So,my facebook became just a place to be friends. I do have an outlet for my political views, and I cherish that outlet also.
So,if I am lonely and stressed, I may have to whine about it. I need to stop letting the problems isolate me...and that is something that dawned on me in the middle of the night. I am feeling isolated,and it is mostly my own fault. Because I have people with empathy in my life,and I need to trust that more.

Truth is I can hear my son when he whines, and my friends can hear me when I whine,but it's me--I can hear me when I whine,and is not who I want to be, or enjoy being.

I used to be someone who was positive and optimistic.I used to be able to use words to encourage and as Einstein said "ignite the flame in others". I like me when I am able to do that. I don't like me when I am tired and cranky and needy and whiny--and I think I assume no one else does either.

It is hard when you are struggling with the day to day stresses of life sometimes to remember that you have something to give back to the world. It is all to easy to get wrapped up in the struggles and forget that you weren't always old, and poor, and in pain.It is all too easy to start thinking you have nothing to give back to the world, and feeling useless makes me whiny. And unfortunately I CAN hear when I am whining.

So, I am sorry I get so quiet. It is not any of you,my dear ones, it is me. 

My son may or may not be whiny today. I never know. But I do know he will at some point me me laugh. At some point make me proud. At some point make me think how blessed I am that he is still alive and I can hear him.

So, that is his gift to me. I realize that I am alive, and if I would stop isolating myself there are wonderful friends who can hear me.

I'll try harder.


Peace and Blessings,

EB



P.S. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there,just in case. I told a friend once who was embarrassed about asking for help that if we don't make our needs known how does anyone ever know we have needs.The William and I are struggling,and just as embarrassed I am pointing out the button.We are continually blessed.

Empathy and friends and whining...

So, I have been very quiet recently.Life sucks, I've been sick--bronchitis is apparently my new winter pastime, this makes the second February in a row I have begun to think breathing is not something I am good at.

In case you haven't noticed,when I get down and out I tend to get quet. The thing is, if your life is hard you don't have much else to talk about--and you figure nobody wants to hear it any way.

I have lost friends because I have made jokes about financial problems. True. A couple of winters ago I posted on facebook what I thought was a joke about being behind on the gas bill...

Dear Mother Nature,
It's the middle of MAY-I don't care how many shares of Missouri Gas Energy you have in your retirement portfolio-I am NOT turning the heat on today. 
Sincerely,
Shivering under a quilt

Dear Mother Nature,
It's May 16. 36 degrees and a frost advisory, seriously? I'll need to find a corner and a cardboard sign to ever catch up on funding your retirement.
Signed,
Shivering

One of my 'friends' messaged me that they would be unfriending me because I was 'whining about being poor again.' Granted, I am not always as funny as I think I am, but 'unfriend' me for a couple of jokes about the weather?

On the other hand, I have  an amazingly generous friend who regularly  sends me  money when I post about our troubles.Which is always timely and always appreciated,but sometimes I just want to vent and I don't because I feel bad about the appearance of being so damn needy.

I have wonderful friends--thanks to the internet. I rarely see people in real life, but I can power up the computer and there you are.

I realized recently I have been censoring myself a lot. I stopped posting political stuff a couple of years ago because I have friends from all ends of the political spectrum, and I don't want to lose anyone. So,my facebook became just a place to be friends. I do have an outlet for my political views, and I cherish that outlet also.

I guess what I am trying to say is I am needy,and I need to stop feeling like I shouldn't talk about that.

So,if I am lonely and stressed, I may have to whine about it. I need to stop letting the problems isolate me...and that is something that dawned on me in the middle of the night. I am feeling isolated,and it is mostly my own fault. Because I have people with empathy in my life,and I need to trust that more.


"Empathy is really the opposite of spiritual meanness. It's the capacity to understand that every war is both won and lost. And that someone else's pain is as meaningful as your own."~~Barbara Kingsolver

Empathy goes many directions. When we lose the ability to empathize, we not only lose the ability to understand and share when people are having hard times, we lose the ability to be joyful when they are being blessed. And I think that, leads to what Barbara Kingsolver describes as spiritual meanness.

So, do I need to not make jokes about my hard times? A sense of humor (and some awesome friends) helps me get through the days. Do we need to censor and not share our frustrations for fear that some else in our community has lost the ability to empathize? That won't work for me.

What will work for me is to remind myself and others that even though life is hard, I will get caught up some day because my list of blessings is longer than my list of troubles-even on days I can't see that.

So, I am sorry to have lost a friend. I wish I could have taught her to laugh with me. Because the truth is being behind on the gas bill, or having a really bare pantry because money is tight may be a problem. But, losing the ability to empathize is a far worse affliction.

The truth is in that old saying...Shared joy is joy doubled. Shared sorrow is sorrow halved. THAT is empathy in a nutshell!

Peace and Blessings,

EB


P.S. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there,just in case. I told a friend once who was embarrassed about asking for help that if we don't make our needs known how does anyone ever know we have needs.The William and I are struggling,and just as embarrassed I am pointing out the button.We are continually blessed.