Parking Lots and other anonymous venues

What is it about parking lots? They seem to bring on the worst in people.


Honestly, do people who are probably perfectly reasonable people in real life become total jerks when they get into a parking lot. Or do the people who are actually jerks in real life just stand out when it comes to a space with defined parameters such as a parking lot.

Of course, it may also depend on the parking lot. The parking lot at the grocery store where we shop is one of the most ill-planned, ill-conceived parking lots in the world. Seriously, I have been shopping at this shopping center for years,and still, once a week as I look for a space I say out loud "Whoever designed this parking lot has a lot to answer for."  It is so strikingly badly designed that it hits you every time how awful it is, even after years.

I actually expect people to be disgruntled in this parking lot. This parking lot gives credence to those who believe in karma, or Feng Shui, or the laws of attraction, or just plain good energy vs bad energy.  This parking lot would be a great place for Dante's sign--Abandon Hope, all ye who enter here.

So, what is it that allows people to become or exhibit hateful behavior towards random strangers in a parking lot? I think, it's the anonymity. Anonymity is often used to be hateful to others. Now I don't get it, and you probably don't get it--but there it is. Some people are so immature and miserable in their own skin that being hateful to other people somehow makes them feel superior--andall the more so if it is done anonymously, so that it isn't someone who can actually tell them they are wrong and knock it off.

Social media acts this way too--people who wouldn't dream of saying bigoted, or racist, or downright mean things in real life can use the anonymity of social media to attack other people. Just last nght on facebook, someone decided that the profile picture I use of my late husband and I sharing a kiss looked like two men kissing. So I received messages telling me I was an abomination, God hates me and I deserve to die. Now, I am no stranger to being criticized for my appearance--I am after all The Fat Lady, and I was the Fat girl, strangers choosing to tell me how ugly they found me has always been part of my experience. But, I don't remember  being told I deserve to die before--simply because some old fool thought I was a man kissing another man. The worst part may have been the old fools profile picture-a man standing in front of a Cross wearing a clerical collar.

Now lest we think it is technology that has allowed this to flourish, let me share that those who have lived prior to the cyber get will probably remember the anonymity of slam books. What is a slam book, you younger folks might ask? Well, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth and The Fat Lady was in junior high and high school, the mean girls (and guys) would take a spiral notebook and write hateful ugly comments about a person. This notebook would then pass from mean girl to mean girl and when it was full it would be slipped under the door of your locker or in your desk so that you could read just how ugly and awful and what terrible things you deserved to happen to you. All anonymously of course. So, the technology has changed but the intent is still there. Use anonymity to make yourself feel superior by bullying and humiliating someone who fits your description of "other".

It's wrong. It has always been wrong. But, unfortunately it has become more open--hell, even presidential candidates are doing it these days, and a certain segment of society is reveling in it and feeling like that gives them permission. So, those who would kill a man because of his skin color a hundred years ago are still around. Yes, they are still killing people, but they are also using social media to vent their hate. It's just wrong. And honestly, not enough of us who know its wrong are saying its wrong. When our politicians, our religious leaders are modeling hate--it becomes all too easy for those who hate to feel justified. AND IT IS WRONG!!!

Some days I think must have fallen asleep and awakened in a different universe. Or maybe I am just getting old,but honestly, I don't remember civil discourse being so polarized and divided when I was younger. People have always disagreed, not seen eye to eye on things from religion to politics to current events to sports. I think, back before we communicated through a keyboard we remembered that those we disagreed with were fellow human beings because we were looking them in the eye.It was possible to engage in spirited debate and still remain civil.

It is possible to have friends that you are diametrically opposed to what they support and still remain friends. I know this because it is true in my life. I have friends from all political and religious parts of the spectrum and we love each other. I think it maybe because while we can think the  person is wrong or misguided we can respect that they have the right to feel and believe what they do. We understand that people can honestly look at things and understand them differently. Different doesn't mean someone is right and someone is wrong, it simply means different.And, honestly, differences can be discussed without demonizing or marginalizing the other persons opinion. In fact, as members of society we should each make it our project to bring the civic conversations in this country back to this.Because, the truth is, words have power, and you have no way of knowing who you are hurting with your words.

So, whether it is the guy in the parking lot yelling at me because I parked in a regular parking space rather than the handicap space my license plate entitles me to--yes that happened--or it is some anonymous stranger on Facebook choosing to tell me I deserve to die, we need to stand up and say it is wrong. Knock it off.

Just knock it off. Yes, I know the people I really want to say that to won't be reading my blog...but honestly, it needs to be said.


EB

Be Done With It

I have a bad attitude today. That is really unlike me, life is hard, but even though I struggle with depression, that is different than just being in a bad mood. So,needing an attitude adjustment I went looking through the files of things I have written, ands this one from 6 years ago spoke to me today.

So, here it is, letting go of yesterday and concentrarting on today--in other words remembering to live in the moment!!

Today's quote.... Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.~~ Ralph Waldo Emerson~~ 

I don't give in to despair often. Even though I struggle with depression and a host of other health issues, I tend to be the cockeyed optimist most of the time. Sharing and teaching those around me that we have choices, and that our truth is that we author our own story. And I believe that, I really do. So, it was totally out of character for me to cry in frustration this morning. But I did.


Surprisingly, it helped. No, it didn't change anything, I still am desperately struggling. I still have no grocery money, no money to pay the electric bill...but crying actually helped. It doesn't make sense that crying helped, but I feel calmer now. 

So, even though I don't see how to change the end of the story, even though it seems impossible today, I choose to believe that this is not how the story is going to end. I choose to remember that I have to power to believe that. My faith wavered, and I cried. Turns out crying is good for you. Now that I am calmer I can remember that at any given moment I have to power to choose how the story ends. I can remember that even when I am feeling most out of control,something as simple as releasing the fears by crying can help me change the end of the story.

You know it is so easy to become cynical these days. Turn on the TV, check your newsfeed on Facebook, read a message board. Everywhere you look people seemed to have become mean, hateful, lacking the simple human qualities of compassion and kindness. It honestly doesn't matter what your political, or religious beliefs are you can find examples of people who just seem to have forgotten how to behave towards other people. If you are in a difficult situation yourself, it starts to feel rather personal. It starts to feel as if you just have no right to exist if you are down on your luck.
I admit that when things are going badly, it is so easy to feel overwhelmed.Believe me, I know! I know that when in the midst of troubles we are often at a loss as to how this could possibly turn out good. But I also know that we have the choice to believe that it will. I know that it is all too easy to believe that my life is harder than anyone else, that I am the only one I know going thruogh this much hardship. But the truth is every person you meet is struggling with something. Life is not easy for any of us. So we must remember to choose to live in the moment, to choose in this moment--to finish each day and be done with it!!! Moving on to the new day!!
Peace and Blessings
EB
p.s. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there, just in case. I told a friend who was embarrassed about asking for help that if we don't make our needs known how does anyone ever know we have needs. So, just as embarrassed, I am pointing out the button. Blessings.

Well Played Coco-Cola marketers

So I bought a diet coke when I was at the grocery store. Totally out of character for me, but I bought it, and I am going to tell you why...

When I was growing up every kid in the neighborhood had a little plastic license plate on the back of their bicycle with their name on it--yes, I know, these days we don't put our children's names where all the world can see them, and I totally agree with that (but I digress). When I was going up everyone had the little license plate with their name--except me.

You could find the display with the name plates in most places, dime stores like  Kresge's and Ben Franklin (I am old) the corner drugstore, the grocery store. If you went to an amusement park, you could find souvenirs--hats, keychains, cute little wall plaques with your name on them. Unless you were me.Or someone like me with a not so common name.

Now my name is not all that unusual. I had an aunt and a cousin with the same name. I was named after my aunty, she was my favorite person. Heck there is even a book in the Bible with our name. But, no little plastic license plate or souvenirs.

I told myself it was OK, they probably wouldn't have spelled it right anyway--most people misspell it 99% of the time--which I have always found more than a bit odd because of that aforementioned book in the Bible. But you know, when you are a little kid, not finding your name felt like a rejection of you. As a grownup I am well aware that it was not a rejection, but when I was 6 years old, it felt like every kid in my neighborhood counted more than me.

Now, when Coca-Cola started the campaign with the names on the bottles, we bought my son one right away. He has a nice classic name, mass produced whenever name items are sold. Truthfully, I didn't even look for my name, because I just assumed it wouldn't be there.

So, there I was in the grocery store and I rolled past the Coke display and what do I see out of the corner of my eye? A bottle of diet coke with my name on it. MY NAME--Spelled correctly and everything!! I tell you, I had a visceral reaction and I grabbed up that bottle and held it and looked at it  in wonder. There was my name.  After all these years, I had been mass produced.

So, of course I bought it. Which is a bit silly, because I don't drink diet coke. My son doesn't drink diet coke. But there is a bottle of Diet Coke in the fridge. it will probably stay there for a long time, I'll probably empty it out eventually--but that bottle with my name on it will go on a shelf to be admired. Because ESTHER is a good name, and because those Coca-cola people are really smart marketers. Touch us where it matters, in our very identity, and we will buy it--even if we don't drink it.

Well played Coca Cola, and THANKS from the little girl who even though she knew it wouldn't be there looked for her name on every personalized souvenir she came across.



Peace and Blessings,
ESTHER

Did you know I danced?

It's been a few months since I wrote something...time seems to slip past me faster and faster these days. I really didn't mean to not write anything for that long, I just got busy worrying with other things I guess.

So, for my facebook friend who discovered my blog and messaged me to let me know that something I had written had touched him in a visceral way, Thank You, you reminded me that I should make time to share.

It is hard when you are struggling with the day to day stresses of life sometimes to remember that you have something to give back to the world. It is all to easy to get wrapped up in the struggles and forget that you weren't always old, and poor, and in pain. It is all too easy to forget that even though you are old and poor and in pain you still matter, you can still touch someone else's life. 

So, I can't promise to be upbeat all of the time. 

I can't say I won't continue to worry about the problems--like being out of money too soon this month and stressing about it.

I can say, that for today I will try to remember that there was a time in my life when I danced. I will try to remember that while I can't dance like I used to, maybe I am still dancing in new ways. 

I am stressed--I am also extremely blessed. 

I am multi-faceted that way.

So, thank you facebook friend for the reminder that I have something to give, it is all too easy to feel useless, and we all need to be reminded that we aren't.

Peace and blessings,

EB

One More Year-One Day At A Time

Oh my word, I haven't had a drink in 34 years!

Today is my birthday. Not my belly button birthday, my day I got clean and sober birthday. Today I am celebrating 34 years of sobriety. Celebrating 34 years of choosing to deal with life and all its challenges, obstacles, defeats, and victories without using drugs or alcohol. 

I don't remember when alcohol wasn't available to me. My older brothers-14, 18, and 21 years older than me- were the kind of guys that thought it was cute to give a baby or toddler a sip of beer, or whatever cocktail they might be drinking. There was always a bottle of whiskey in the kitchen cupboard, and when my dad wanted a glass of wine in the evening, he sent one of us to get it.Alone in the kitchen, no one was there to see me take a swig for myself. If there were family gatherings, not much attention was paid attention to what you were grabbing out of the cooler. After all, the men usually sent a kid to get the beer out of the cooler. So I developed an enjoyment of the taste and effect of alcohol at a very young age. It was an easy way to make life stop hurting for a little while. 

Of course,as soon as I left home it was no problem. I looked older than my age, and was never carded. Really, the first time I was carded was on my 21st birthday. There was a new guy at my liquor store, and he carded me and wished me a Happy 21st birthday. The owner was shocked, since he had been selling me alcohol for 4 years. But, he didn't make a big deal about it. I was a very good customer. By the time I was 21, I was drinking every day. I had started down that road as a teenager with undiagnosed bipolar disorder. I was self medicating with drugs and alcohol for several years. When I was diagnosed, I started letting go of the drugs, but consumed more alcohol to make up for it.

I drank my way through college, and 5 years into my working life. I managed to get good grades, and do good work while I increased my drinking. I had good jobs, but my drinking caused me to make some really, really stupid decisions about men and relationships.Just like the song says "Looking for love in all the wrong places."


I knew that eventually I would have to quit drinking. I knew that it was impossible for me to drink in moderation, and I hated that, because there were things I truly enjoyed and did not want to give up.I truly enjoyed choosing the right wine for a good meal. I truly enjoyed a cold beer on a hot afternoon.But, as much as I wish I was, I am not the kind of person who can stop with one glass of wine, one cold beer, one mixed drink. So, I had to listen to the small voice and quit. The last time I got drunk was on a Sunday night. I had been to a party. I don't remember much about the party, I had been drinking all weekend of course, but for some reason I got really drunk at that party. I think that I totally embarrassed myself, and a friend suggested we leave and go somewhere else. We ended up at her Mother's house. I don't remember how we got there, but I do remember sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee and talking to her mother until 5 o'clock Monday morning. I drove home and got in the shower and then I decided to call in sick and get some sleep. I had never done that before, I always went to work. In fact, I got in the shower intending to get ready for work, but while I was in that shower I started getting quiet, and when I get quiet I can hear the small voice, and the voice said "It's time to heal." 

So, I called in sick, went to bed and slept for a couple of hours. When I woke up I felt like crap.I never got hungover, but that day I was hungover. I spent some time feeling sorry for myself, but then I remembered hearing the voice. I knew that it was time to stop numbing the pain, time to stop dulling the memories and to start healing the wounds. I called my doctor, and went to see her. I had a good talk with her and she referred me to a therapist. She called him right then, and he saw me that afternoon.It was Monday, January 19, 1981. The therapist said that he would work with me, but he also suggested that I go to AA. He got out the phone book, and handed me the phone. I made the call and found a meeting that evening. That was the beginning of my journey to health and wholeness, a journey I am still on. It is not an easy journey to start. It is not an easy journey to continue, but it is a journey I believe we must all undertake.

So, here I am. I haven't had a drink, oh how I have wanted to, but I have not had a drink.My Higher Power and I are taking a journey. One day at a time.


Peace and Blessings,
EstherBelle

Happy Christmas

The quote for the day is...
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.~~Erma Bombeck~~

Now, when you read that do not think, oh dear, that is so right. Think, I am a child. A child of the Most High God, and I deserve to believe that I am a beautiful, wonderful, worthwhile individual with so much to offer myself and those I love. The most important things I have to offer have nothing to do with the house being spotless, or the decorations being Martha Stewart worthy, or the Christmas dinner being course after course of delicious. What I have to offer is the heart of a worthwhile person. A heart that knows that I am intelligent, and caring, and worthy of treating myself well. A heart that is able to be a better mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend because I know my value.

Take time today to rest, even though you have things to do. Take some time to get at least a few moments with yourself, and remind yourself that a confident, loving smile is worth more than anything you can possibly accomplish today. Remind yourself that when we wake up on Christmas morning we are all someone's child, and relax and enjoy the day, no matter the circumstances. CHOOSE to believe in yourself, CHOOSE to hear only the truth about yourself from yourself and others, CHOOSE to remember who you are and nothing else can take that wonder away from the day. Relax, refresh your spirit, and wake up Christmas morning with the eyes and heart of a child!

Peace and Blessings,
EstherBelle 

The Holidays are Coming...

Does it seem as if all of a sudden every where you turn you are encountering rude behavior? If so, believe me you are not the only one. I think it is just a stressful time of year. We have entered the 'holiday' season. Since time began, humans have had celebrations during the winter season, and for good reason. When the winter is upon us, we sometimes need to be reminded that it will not always be dark and the light will return.

So here we are, just three weeks from Thanksgiving, and we are already starting to see people running around getting stressed out and being rude and unkind to each other. It is not easy to remain calm when someone is rude, but if we are to reclaim civility and peace for our society, we have to start by reclaiming it in our own lives.

The holidays are hard for us sometimes, in that the reality often doesn't match up with our expectations. We want so much to create either the holidays of our memory or the holidays of Norman Rockwell's imagination. For those of us who don't have halcyon memories to draw on, we think we will make up for it by making sure our loved ones do. For those of us with great memories we compete with trying to accomplish all of those things in a different time. And so we are worn out, frazzled, frustrated.

I think the first place to start to reclaim some peace and tranquility at this time of year is to acknowledge that the Norman Rockwell holiday was a figment of Rockwell's imagination. I love Rockwell's work, but honestly those illustrations were just that- illustrations. Yes, I am sure that there are families and celebrations that look like that, but I am also sure that there are families that don't. So I think we have to allow ourselves to relax and to create what works for us. No more 'keeping up with the Joneses'!

Now my maiden name was Jones, so I have always found the thought of 'keeping up with the Joneses' absurd. Believe me, we weren't worth keeping up with. Holiday dinners at our house were fraught with difficulty.When all of the siblings and their families got together there were bound to be arguments, fights, and just general mayhem. I don't remember a time when everyone was speaking to each other, there was always some point of contention somewhere. One of the memories I laugh at was the year Thanksgiving dinner was at the home of one of my brothers instead of my parents. That brothers wife did not care for me (her loss) and she very cleverly made that known! I happen to have food allergies,in particular coconut and walnuts. On that table there was not one dish that did not include coconut or walnuts. NOT ONE! From the salads to the stuffing to the gravy, some form of coconut or walnut had been included in every recipe. Then she whined because I excused myself from the table without eating anything. My brother yelled at me that I was disrespecting his wife, and as I left the room my family started arguing. Just another family gathering at the Joneses!

So, as we start the countdown to the end of the year, my advice is to relax. All you can do is all you can do. Perhaps it is time to simplify anyway. As we encounter rude people who are stressing out, smile, perhaps say a little prayer that they will be blessed, and remain calm. That guy that just cut you off on the freeway, ask God to bless his life and keep him safe. That cranky neighbor, ask God to pour out blessing on her. That frazzled cashier, thank her for working hard and wish her a blessed day. Whatever you do, do not repay rudeness with rudeness. You only make yourself unhappy when you do that, and the truth is rude people are unhappy people, no need to add to their numbers.

Perhaps remind yourself of the first few lines of the prose poem Desiderata (Latin for desired things)

"Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit..."

Who knows, perhaps we can reclaim good manners and civility in our time, and if not we can certainly reclaim it for our life!