Breathe, Christmas is Coming

The quote for the day is...
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.~~Erma Bombeck~~

Now, when you read that do not think, oh dear, that is so right. Think, I am a child,I have always been someone's child, and I deserve to believe that I am a beautiful, wonderful, worthwhile individual with so much to offer myself and those I love. The most important things I have to offer have nothing to do with the house being spotless, or the decorations being Martha Stewart worthy, or the Christmas dinner being course after course of delicious. What I have to offer is the heart of a worthwhile person. A heart that knows that I am intelligent, and caring, and worthy of treating myself well. A heart that is able to be a better mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend because I know my value.

Think good things! I can't tell you how many times I have to remind myself of this. Thinking good things will keep me rooted in the now, the present, living in the moment in a way that I can remember that this moment will never come again.  The floors need swept, the dishes need washed,so garner up pleasant thoughts. So grab onto any pleasant thought that passes, store it away in your memory where you can bring it out when you need something to remind that life is good. Something to remind you of all that you are, and all that you can be. There is in every one of us the ability to give beyond reason. To care beyond hope. To love without limit. To reach, stretch, and dream, in spite of your fears. There is in each of us the ability to give beyond reason, and we do so every day when we take time to encourage and uplift each other. The ability to care beyond hope, as we come together to pray and care about the concerns of each, we expect the best outcome beyond the hope of the seen into the hope of the unseen. We love without limit. All of my friends  from around the world who found each other , loving each other through the day no matter what obstacles and challenges come our way. Reach, stretching, dreaming, knowing that there is a place where we can share those dreams and be encouraged to make them come true.Yes, acquire those pleasant thoughts, store them up, use them liberally to remember, that life indeed is good, and so are you!!

Take time today to rest, even though you have things to do. Take some time to get at least a few moments with yourself, and remind yourself that a confident, loving smile is worth more than anything you can possibly accomplish today. Remind yourself that when we wake up on Christmas morning we are all someone's child, and relax and enjoy the day, no matter the circumstances. CHOOSE to believe in yourself, CHOOSE to hear only the truth about yourself from yourself and others, CHOOSE to remember who you are and nothing else can take that wonder away from the day. Relax, refresh your spirit, and wake up Christmas morning with the eyes and heart of a child!

Peace and Blessings,
 EB


P.S. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there,just in case. I told a friend once who was embarrassed about asking for help that if we don't make our needs known how does anyone ever know we have needs.The William and I are struggling,and just as embarrassed I am pointing out the button.We are continually blessed.

Norman Rockwell was an artist...

...not a historian.

This time of year is just hard. For a lot of reasons.

Some of us are struggling. But the truth is most of us--women especially,just get frazzled this time of year.We get so busy.

 Whether we are rich or poor, young or old, we get stressed out around the holidays. If you are having financial problems-like we do at our house, you worry, and stress out about how you will keep the electricity on, and still manage to provide a semblance of cheer. It's really hard to think you won't be able to buy a gift for your child. Really hard. 

If you are lucky enough to  have money, you still worry.
So much to do,so little time...
We all need to remember to breathe at this time of year--


The quote for the day is...
A man can do only what he can do. But if he does that each day he can sleep at night and do it again the next day. ~~Albert Schweitzer ~~ 


All we can do is all we can do. Maybe we are doing too much to begin with. Maybe we need to take a minute and look at the things that we consider urgent, are they? Are they necessary for our happiness, and wholeness, or are they just trappings that we think the world expects.

The world does not cease to exist if we bake 2 kinds of cookies instead of 6. the world does not cease to turn on its axis if we take an hour out of the day and spend it paying attention to our health and our spiritual needs. If we cease to run around frenetically, the sun still comes up in the morning. If we choose to not spend money we don't have this year, no one will hate us because their present is smaller (well, if they do they don't count anyway!) Besides, the little ones play with the boxes longer than the presents! The older ones will understand if we are being honest, authentic in our lives.

So yes, let's remember to slow down, to breathe. When we get all caught up in the frenzy we miss so much-moments of grace, opportunities for gratitude, evidence of our connections to others, signs of the presence of Spirit.

"But,but..." you say,I want  wonderful holidays like when I was growing up. Ah, yes the good ol' days.

 Personally I think people have this skewed vision of what life used to be-too many Norman Rockwell magazine covers. Norman Rockwell was an artist not an historian.

Honestly, people weren't all that much different 50, 60, 100 years ago. There were good people, there were not so good people. It wasn't a Norman Rockwell magazine cover or an episode of Leave it To Beaver. Just like now, so many things depend on your economic status. Poor women worked outside the home-often in the homes of women with more resources. Poor people spent their limited resources trying to keep a roof over their head and feed their families.

So, let go of the imaginary memories. You are probably equating a movie you saw with what actually occurred in people's everyday lives. 

 If you are feeling bombarded by the things going on around you, scattered, stressed, that is the reminder you need to chill, breathe, take some time to pay attention. Make today important, live the best you can today, and stop longing for a different time that never existed.

 It's hard for everyone this time of year.It's cold, and dark, and it just seems like troubles are amplified in that darkness. Probably the reason that nearly every faith tradition has some sort of celebration around this time that centers on light.

So, as you go about your days, try to remember to breathe,and relax, because the darkness never lasts forever, and even on a cold dark day something will be worth smiling about. 

Take time today to rest, even though you have things to do. Take some time to get at least a few moments with yourself, and remind yourself that a confident, loving smile is worth more than anything you can possibly accomplish today.


Peace and Blessings,

EB


P.S. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there,just in case. I told a friend once who was embarrassed about asking for help that if we don't make our needs known how does anyone ever know we have needs.The William and I are struggling,and just as embarrassed I am pointing out the button.We are continually blessed.

gas prices and a reason to smile

So, we filled up the gas tank Friday. We haven't filled up in a while, mainly we tend to get a few dollars worth when we have to.Fortunately (or unfortunately) we don't get out much and so we manage to keep from running out of gas--by the skin of our teeth some months.

 Friday we had to have gas, the low gas light came on, and we had planned on the gas station as one of our errands anyway. We have a fuel rewards card from the grocery store we shop regularly,and we had been watching the gauge and the prices--because truthfully, it often seems if we need gas and we stop to get some the next time we are out the price has dropped...or if we decide to wait until the next errand day, the price has gone up. Its all futile, gas is one of those things you have to buy--no matter what the price is or how far behind you are on your other bills.

BUT, this time, we got lucky, we had a good amount on our fuel saver card, and it was payday, and the price had gone down a couple of pennies.

Now, I don't pump gas--that is my sons job,and he is very methodical about it. The last thing he says before starting to pump is "I have to ask, how much." Then I usually give him a dollar amount and he is always right on the penny.

Friday, with the reasonable prices and the discount I debated, and told him to go ahead and fill it up. He chuckled and said "You now what that means."

The young man in the pick-up next to us overheard our conversation and asked "What does it mean?"

"Well, it often means with our luck the prices will go down." I answered. "But we don't use a lot of gas, so it is a chance we have to take." Then while my son pumped gas, this young man and I had a nice chat about the weather, and weekend sports.

He finished filling his pick-up, and as he was getting in the car said "Enjoy the nice weather, and thanks for filling up. I drive over 200 miles a day in my job, and if you filling up causes the price to go down, I will be grateful. I'll think of you next time I get gas."

Now there are several things to enjoy about the conversation. First, I don't get to chat with strangers all that often,  I don't get out much. Second, how nice that the next time this young man gets gas he will think of me when he looks at the price, and for some reason that makes me smile.

Connecting with other human beings-even if just for a moment at the gas station-is always a great way to enjoy the day!

Peace and Blessings,
EB


p.s. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there, just in case. I told a friend who was embarrassed about asking for help that if we don't make our needs known how does anyone ever know we have needs. So, just as embarrassed, I am pointing out the button. Blessings.

One More Year-One Day At A Time

Oh my word, I haven't had a drink in 34 years!

Today is my birthday. Not my belly button birthday, my day I got clean and sober birthday. Today I am celebrating 34 years of sobriety. Celebrating 34 years of choosing to deal with life and all its challenges, obstacles, defeats, and victories without using drugs or alcohol. 

I don't remember when alcohol wasn't available to me. My older brothers-14, 18, and 21 years older than me- were the kind of guys that thought it was cute to give a baby or toddler a sip of beer, or whatever cocktail they might be drinking. There was always a bottle of whiskey in the kitchen cupboard, and when my dad wanted a glass of wine in the evening, he sent one of us to get it.Alone in the kitchen, no one was there to see me take a swig for myself. If there were family gatherings, not much attention was paid attention to what you were grabbing out of the cooler. After all, the men usually sent a kid to get the beer out of the cooler. So I developed an enjoyment of the taste and effect of alcohol at a very young age. It was an easy way to make life stop hurting for a little while. 

Of course,as soon as I left home it was no problem. I looked older than my age, and was never carded. Really, the first time I was carded was on my 21st birthday. There was a new guy at my liquor store, and he carded me and wished me a Happy 21st birthday. The owner was shocked, since he had been selling me alcohol for 4 years. But, he didn't make a big deal about it. I was a very good customer. By the time I was 21, I was drinking every day. I had started down that road as a teenager with undiagnosed bipolar disorder. I was self medicating with drugs and alcohol for several years. When I was diagnosed, I started letting go of the drugs, but consumed more alcohol to make up for it.

I drank my way through college, and 5 years into my working life. I managed to get good grades, and do good work while I increased my drinking. I had good jobs, but my drinking caused me to make some really, really stupid decisions about men and relationships.Just like the song says "Looking for love in all the wrong places."


I knew that eventually I would have to quit drinking. I knew that it was impossible for me to drink in moderation, and I hated that, because there were things I truly enjoyed and did not want to give up.I truly enjoyed choosing the right wine for a good meal. I truly enjoyed a cold beer on a hot afternoon.But, as much as I wish I was, I am not the kind of person who can stop with one glass of wine, one cold beer, one mixed drink. So, I had to listen to the small voice and quit. The last time I got drunk was on a Sunday night. I had been to a party. I don't remember much about the party, I had been drinking all weekend of course, but for some reason I got really drunk at that party. I think that I totally embarrassed myself, and a friend suggested we leave and go somewhere else. We ended up at her Mother's house. I don't remember how we got there, but I do remember sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee and talking to her mother until 5 o'clock Monday morning. I drove home and got in the shower and then I decided to call in sick and get some sleep. I had never done that before, I always went to work. In fact, I got in the shower intending to get ready for work, but while I was in that shower I started getting quiet, and when I get quiet I can hear the small voice, and the voice said "It's time to heal." 

So, I called in sick, went to bed and slept for a couple of hours. When I woke up I felt like crap.I never got hungover, but that day I was hungover. I spent some time feeling sorry for myself, but then I remembered hearing the voice. I knew that it was time to stop numbing the pain, time to stop dulling the memories and to start healing the wounds. I called my doctor, and went to see her. I had a good talk with her and she referred me to a therapist. She called him right then, and he saw me that afternoon.It was Monday, January 19, 1981. The therapist said that he would work with me, but he also suggested that I go to AA. He got out the phone book, and handed me the phone. I made the call and found a meeting that evening. That was the beginning of my journey to health and wholeness, a journey I am still on. It is not an easy journey to start. It is not an easy journey to continue, but it is a journey I believe we must all undertake.

So, here I am. I haven't had a drink, oh how I have wanted to, but I have not had a drink.My Higher Power and I are taking a journey. One day at a time.


Peace and Blessings,
EstherBelle

Good Bye August

and quite frankly, good riddance. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Hello September, please realize that August was just a meanie that hung around way too long and kicked our butts and we would like you to be especially nice to make up for it.

September already? How did that happen? AND Labor Day is on the 1st this year, so not only is it already September, it is unofficially the end of summer. Good. Summer has been a bitch lately. In fact, it would not hurt my feelings if we just struck the last week of August from the calendar. It's a hard week, it's the week I buried my husband. This year it's the week a dear friend lost her mother and another dear one her mother-in-law.

It's the week I ran out of money and had to tell my son we couldn't buy groceries. But, he's a trouper, this is how part of the conversation went...

Me: It's hard the last week of the months some months. Sometimes it seems like it takes a while for the universe to provide.

Son: Did you tell the universe we have paypal?

Hey, you can get through anything when your kid makes you smile! I posted that on facebook -we call these snippets of conversation Williamisms-and I got to share with another friend who is also struggling with money issues. 

Being poor is hard work sometimes. No matter what anyone tells you (and I try to not pay attention) poor folks are not living like kings. We are managing as best we can, and we are scared to death most weeks that there will be an emergency. When something breaks, we learn to live without it. When the computer that is your lifeline to the outside world is on its last leg you hold your breath every day. When you lose 270 pounds, you just tighten the elastic and keep wearing the same old clothes. Because that is what poor people do. We just tighten our belts until there is no more space for new notches.

But, it's OK, because there are far more important things in life than things and there are always reasons to smile. My friend with money problems and I got to laugh with each other, because when I posted the Williamism, she shared her struggle. Her last week of August need. She  managed to scrounge up enough money to buy butter and toilet tissue. 

Of course, my  mind immediately smiled,and I got to laugh. Immediately wondering what recipe you could come up with for buttered toilet tissue! Then that reminded me of days working as a cashier and remembering other incongruous items that people bought together.Yes, your cashier might talk about you, but we aren't judging, we are smiling. Like the time the Mayor of our fair city came through my line one Friday afternoon and purchased a couple of bottles of wine and several packages of light bulbs. I admit I did ask what kind of party they were having at the Mayor's house.

So, even though we all struggle, there are always moments to share. The important things in life are always available. A son with a quip, a friend with a story you can smile at.

So, bring it on September. Even if we have to choose whether to buy groceries or pay bills, even if we have to lay hands on the computer and pray it keeps going, we will always be able to find something to make us smile.

"The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it.You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache."~~Marjorie Pay Hinckley.

So, welcome September! I am ready, I will greet you with a laugh and a smile.Be nice, because August just needed to leave, it's not nearly as lovely as you are.

Oh, and if you have a recipe for buttered toilet tissue...

Forgiveness

Today's quote...
Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.~~Mark Twain~~

Instantaneously in the moment of the crushing, the violet has forgiven and blessed the heel that crushed it. Wouldn't it be nice if we as human beings could come anywhere near that kind of forgiveness. How awesome if when we are hurt we just automatically extended forgiveness, and a blessing to the one that hurt us. It would keep us healed and whole and moving forward in our spiritual journey. In our weight loss journey, it would help us to immediately move from the less than healthy choice we might have made back to making healthy choices in the very next bite.let us take a lesson from the violet, let us release the beautiful fragrance of forgiveness and blessing whether the person that has hurt us is someone else, or our self!!

The dictionary says forgive is to give up resentment of or claim to requital for... to cease to feel resentment against.
I think that to forgive is to let go of any claims we have against the one who offended us. I think it is human nature to want to be the one who is right. To forgive means we let go of the need to be right, to let go of the need to prove our claim. To forgive means that we no longer expect to be compensated for our hurt or loss. AS in the forgiving of a debt, when we forgive our claim to compensation no longer exists.We no longer need to be right.By forgiving we choose to no longer live with the feelings brought on by the offense.We choose to no longer be weighed down by anger,or shame, or embarrassment. No more guilt or denial. You can choose to live in the moment and forgive in that moment.

I need these reminders, constantly that every day is a new day, a new opportunity. I forgive myself and let go of the regrets of the past, not projecting worries to the future, and  live in today, this moment, which is ripe with possibilities and opportunities to make the best choices I can make. Living in the moment, being present in the here and now helps us to let go of the things that would harden our heart or tire our tempers. Letting go, offering forgiveness frees us from the non productive emotions and allows us to keep our hearts tender towards ourselves and others. So, start by forgiving yourself, letting go of anything that would harden your heart, and accepting healing for yourself and extending it toward others. 

Peace and Blessings,

Courage

Today's quote...
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.~~Ambrose Redmoon
~~

We are each of us some of the most courageous people I know. We get up every day and judge that no matter what we may fear we have the mental or moral strength to venture out, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty- so we set forth on our day. What? you may be saying. I don't do that , I just get up and get ready for work, or to take care of my family. Well, when we choose to get up when the alarm goes off we are preparing to VENTURE forth into a new day.We have no idea what that day will bring, perhaps it will be a routine day, or perhaps we will stumble into a grand and glorious miracle or a difficult obstacle, and yet we Venture forth. 

Each of us has some challenge in our lives, and we never know what challenges the people we are interacting with through the day are dealing with, and yet we PERSEVERE in the face of those challenges. Whether we are dealing with health issues, mind issues, or spirit issues, we choose to go about our day and accomplish what needs to be accomplished we are persevering in the face of difficulty.

From the time we choose to put our foot on the floor and get out of bed, until we lay our heads down to sleep, there is always an element of danger in our lives; and yet, we put those thoughts behind us and WITHSTAND DANGER as we climb stairs, drive on the freeway, go through the kitchen without eating the brownies. We overcome our FEARS, navigate the DIFFICULTY in every day and go through our lives caring for our family, or work, our homes, our friends, ourselves. Ah, there is an issue, do we have the courage to care for ourself? We must, for when we CHOOSE to care for ourself, our courage grows and we are better able to care for all of those others.

WOW, what an incredible person of courage you are. Look in the mirror, you will see that not only are you beautiful, you are strong and courageous!! I am humbled by each of you!!

Peace and Blessings,

Step Away from The peaches

So, if you read my Father's Day post where I looked up the origin of the colloquialism "nuttier than a peach orchard boar." You will get it when I say, some folks seem to get in the peaches more often than is good for them.

Honestly, now that we can all be connected with strangers on the internet in facebook groups and on message boards it seems like the ones that have been in the peaches are getting more prevalent. Probably not, but in the old days we just didn't seem to run into them as often.

I've been using this quote a lot...

"Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted."~~Ralph Waldo Emerson


Now, I love social media. I don't get out of the house much, and the computer gives me the means to interact with people every day. In fact, the  computer has been to the repair shop recently, and we are hoping to be able to save up money to replace it as its days are definitely numbered. One of the main problems with being poor is not being able to replace things when they break. :(
 But, I digress.

Where did all the crazy people come from?

A weight loss group I belong to on facebook got a new member yesterday. She's a bit overeager, and apparently if you have a different opinion than her you are picking on her. She messaged me this morning to tell me that since she once weighed 500 pounds she was more of an expert on being overweight than the rest of the group. I messaged back that she wasn't more of an expert on being overweight, she was just an expert on her experience-that from what she wrote my experience of weighing 500 pounds was totally different than hers, but that's OK. Her response was "P*ss the f*ck off."

Seriously. Made me laugh, then made me sad.I belong to several different groups in order to get more than one viewpoint on a subject. Different opinions are just that, different, and I like thinking about things from different angles.

So, as one who depends on online communities, let me give some advice. I am not an expert on anything-just my opinion.

When you join a group or community, hang around a bit and get a feel for the way the community talks to each other. One of the boards I participate on is full of amazing wit, sarcasm, and tough love. Another is very spiritual. If i jumped in without seeing that it would probably not be conducive to becoming part of the community.

Don't complain about another community in this one. Honestly, it just makes you look petty and childish.

Participate. Sharing your experience of life is what community is all about. Common interests can be great fun. Holding yourself out as an expert however, doesn't usually end well. If my experience is different than yours that in no way invalidates yours.

Stop trying to impress. If you only join a community in order to impress people, you might need to look at why you feel the need for validation from complete strangers. In every community I participate in there are people from all walks of life. It may be difficult to impress a community that contains some very accomplished people. Usually there are posters from SAHM to CEO, teachers, retail clerks, doctors, lawyers-GED to PhD. That is one of the beauties of online communities. The opportunity to interact with a diverse group of people.

Don't engage. Once you have determined that you are dealing with someone who gets in the peaches, step away. Engaging will just take your time,and will unfortunately fuel their narcissistic personalities. You can't support or encourage them in anyway that won't fuel that, and that is sad because most of us who participate in online communities really do want to help.

Cyber friends are some of the best friends I have ever had. I have met many people via online communities. I am nurtured, supported, encouraged on a daily basis online.

But, every now and then I still have to step back and chuckle as I think "What the heck is wrong with you. Step away from the peaches!"

Peace and Blessings,




.

Overheard

My son is in his room, playing video games, and apparently has hit a difficult level. So, what do I hear from him? Do I hear "I'll never get this" or "I screwed up" or "This is too hard"?

NOPE.

I hear, "I am capable." Then I hear "I can do this, I am capable".

Isn't this a great lesson for life?

When things don't go the way we planned, instead of throwing up our hands and getting defeated we should always remember "I am capable".

If we are working on a problem, and encounter an obstacle we should always remember "I can do this. I am capable".

No matter what is happening in your life today, remember to remind yourself often...

I AM CAPABLE!!!



 

Find a reason to smile..

It is very difficult to be old, and broke, and struggling at this time of year. It's cold, and dark, and it just seems like troubles are amplified in that darkness. Probably the reason that nearly every faith tradition has some sort of celebration around this time that centers on light.

So, as you go about your days, try to remember to breathe,and relax, because the darkness never lasts forever, and even on a cold dark day something will be worth smiling about.

For example, today was supposed to be high 28 and ZERO percent chance of precipitation. My son and I were going to the grocery store. Our budget is really tight, so some of the things he is used to getting would not be on our list today. It's hard to tell any child "No, we can't afford that" and especially hard to tell an autistic man/child his routine is going to have to give way to budgetary concerns.Add in the weather forecast being wrong, and it starting to snow/sleet/ice as we ran our errands, and I could have been stuck in a bad mood the rest of the week.

But then this happened...


 We came out of the grocery store and the 2 lovely bell ringers were trying to sing "O Holy Night' but they maybe knew the first 3 words, I prompted the next line and they said "Do you know all the words? "I do," I answered, "Start from the beginning and I'll help." So we did,and I sang in my contra-alto, standing in the snow with the lovely sopranos--a crowd gathered and there was applause when we finished. Could be the best day I've had in a while.

Reason to smile, I bet you can find one too if you will be open to allowing yourself to breath and be in the moment.

Peace and Blessings,
EB

 

Of Course You Can

Today's quote...
We were all given the same amount of spirit. None more, none less. The difference between individuals is allowing the Spirit to have more of you.~~Bear Heart~~

Whenever you read a weight loss success story on the internet, or in a magazine, the person who has reached their goal will usually say something like "If I can do it, anyone can do it." I know that when some of us read that they sometimes think that doesn't include them, but the truth is that not one of those people sharing their success story has more spirit, or drive, or motivation, or discipline than the rest of us. So, if I can do it you can do it, is actually true.

BUT, first we have to give ourselves over to learning the truth about who we are, and discovering that we are a person of worth, and learning that we CAN do anything we set our minds to do. Yes, sometimes our challenges might be more than someone else, sometimes the obstacles in our way can be daunting. But inside each of us is that place where the truth has been replaced by untruths over the years, and we need to capture each one of those untruths and replace it with the truth.
Takes work on our part sometimes, but every time we think a negative thought that we aren't worthy of the best in life we need to stop, ask ourselves if that is true, tell ourselves that it isn't true and replace it with a true thought.

Every time we hear in our head that we aren't smart enough, or good enough, or pretty enough, we need to say stop, that is not true, the truth is I am smart enough, I am good enough, I am beautiful. I am a person of great worth, and I deserve to treat myself well. It is a choice we can make, and when we believe that we deserve to treat ourselves well, we will make the best choices we can to become healthier in our mind, body, and spirit. When we become used to making the choices that make us the best we can be, then it will become easier to work towards our healthy bodies, because we are worth it!! Treat yourself well today, no one deserves it more.

Peace and Blessings,
EB


p.s. I am still a bit short on the money to fix my car, so if your spirit leads you there is a paypal button to the right. Forgive me for needing to mention it. 

Tools of thought

Today's quote...
"We have the tool of thought within us to create a thousand joys or
a thousand ills."~~James Allen~~

 When we choose how we react to situations and things and people around us we are using that tool. We can use our thoughts to create positive ways of reacting to the circumstances we are surrounded with, or we can use that tool of thought to create negative response.

I was reading something on a message board, a very nice article on steps you can take to lower stress. Then along came the poster who said "None of this works when you have a life as stressful as mine" and then she laid out a tale of woe. Posters responded with really good thoughtful ways she could let go of some of the things that were stressing her out, and of course she couldn't hear any of it. It was apparent to everyone but her that her woes weren't as big and bad as she thought they were, and that she was actually creating some of them with her negative thoughts. She was using the tool of thought to create a thousand ills.


Sad really, someone gets really good loving advice and chooses to stay stuck in their misery. Living in the moment allows us to capture those thoughts, choose how to react, and use that tool of thought to create a thousand joys. Imagine what a great day this will be if you experience a thousand joys, or a hundred joys, or ten joys, or one joy created by using the tool available to you. Using your tool of thought today, choose to live in joy.

I know I am working on it.

Peace and Blessings,
EB


  

No Limits

The quote for the day is...
You have powers you never dreamed of. You can do things you never thought you could do. There are no limitations in what you can do except the limitations in your own mind as to what you cannot do. Don't think you cannot. Think you can.~~Darwin P. Kingsley~~

Actually, when I read this I thought, well, I don't have to add anything, that pretty much sums it up. All too often, the limitations in our mind were placed there by other people. Those untruths that I often talk about us replacing. When we learn that other peoples opinions are not our truth, and erase those old tapes and replace those thoughts with the truth of who we are, there is no limit to what we can do. My doctor and I often talk about the limitations that people allow to be placed on themselves when they receive a diagnosis of a chronic illness. When we learn that there is no cure for what is ailing us, we often start behaving as if the disease defines what we can and can not do.

 We've met these people. Someone who feels that illness or the medication she was taking made it impossible to lose weight. My answer is always that it might make it more challenging, but nothing makes it impossible. If we start to believe that we have limitations, we stop attempting new things, and when we stop attempting new things we stop growing intellectually, emotionally, spiritually. And when we stop growing, then we start believing that there are things we can't do. So, for today, let your mind wander. Think of something you have always wanted to do but had let yourself believe that you couldn't do. Have you always wanted to learn another language? Find the local community college and sign up for a class. Have you always wanted to learn to rollerblade? Take yourself to the nearest skating rink and take a class. Knitting? Can do. Sing in the choir? Yes, you can. Take control of your thinking and start believing in yourself? No problem. There is nothing you can't do once you choose to. Ahh, you say, there she goes, that choice thing. Yes, of course, it is all in making the best choices you can. Do you want to stay OP today? CHOOSE to.Make the best choice available, choose to believe that 'can't never did anything', so never think you can not, because you know you can.

Peace and Blessings,
EB

Keep Your Headlights clean

The quote for the day...

It’s like driving a car at night. You never see further than your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.~~E.L. Doctorow~~

This quote made me think of traveling with my son. Because of his particular personality, when we travel he has to know exactly where we are going, and how we are getting there, and any change of itinerary has to be handled very carefully, since order and consistency is how he deals with living in a world the doesn't understand. One of the life lessons that we work on with him is to be more open to flexibility. He is learning that sometimes the best laid plans don't always run true to the way you planned them, and detours are inevitable. Fortunately this lesson is reinforced daily as we live in a place where it seems they finish working on a stretch of highway only to go back and tear it up again.

Sometimes we are like my son. Any little detour in our plans can sideline us. Did we overindulge over a holiday, or at a tailgate party? Well, that does it, we are failures, and we throw in the towel. It can take months to get back on track. When the truth is that overindulging happens. Skinny people eat too much on certain occasions. it is not a character flaw, doesn't make us some kind of failure. Makes us human, and just like skinny people who compensate for overindulging by eating lighter for a day or two, we can get right back on track with the very next meal, the very next bite. Those of us with weight issues tend to be perfectionist, we tend to operate in an all or nothing mode. SO we are totally OP or we are just not going to try. Well, the truth is, if we are OP 75 to 80 percent of the time, we will in the long run, weigh less than we started out. I know this for a fact. In my weight loss journey I have had a gain fully 25 percent of the weeks I have weighed in. But those gains haven't kept me from moving towards my goals. So when it comes to weight loss, I think we need to realize, even though we can only see as far as the headlights are shining, we will make the whole trip that way, it will be fine, those headlights will lead us even though we don't know what is lurking past their range, we'll see soon enough. Taking it One day, one meal, one bite at a time!!

Peace and Blessings,
EstherBelle

Everyday Miracles and The Best Medicine

I've had a really stressed out crappy day. Seems like they are like that lately. Life has been really hard,and quite frankly has worn me out. The months of triple digit weather have left me feeling depleted, physically, spiritually, and financially. After catching up the electric and gas bills,buying some groceries, getting my sons prescriptions filled, I am left with 86 cents in the bank and the low fuel light is on in my car. It is the 15th of the month, how is that supposed to work?

But, in the midst of all that, I am reminded that I am indeed blessed. I was able to catch up the electric bill, which was twice what I had budgeted the last few months because of those triple digit temps, because of a small miracle. I was sitting in my meditation spot, talking to Creator, wondering how to pay the bill.Nothing came to mind, I finished my meditations. Grabbed a cup of coffee and logged on the computer. There I was reading my facebook feed and I got a message from a friend. Check my paypal account. This friend had felt like I needed to be blessed. There was the money for to catch up the electric bill. Now I use the word friend, but this is someone who I have never met in person, someone I met in a community on the computer.Amazing. Even though we are not of the same religion, we both had our faith reinforced that day. I was reminded that in the midst of my stressed out crappy life Spirit still hears me and she was reminded that in the midst of some spiritual questioning she still hears Spirit.

A few days later, in another cyber community, I asked my friends to say extra prayers for me. That's all, I didn't share the need, I just asked for prayers, because being broke this summer because of the heat and everything costing too much is just not conducive to me climbing out of the depression I have been struggling with. But, one of the needs was the gas bill. Granted, I don't need the gas for heat, but hot water is a good thing.Later that day, I got a message from another friend-this one I have met personally, but we originally met online-again the message was to check my paypal account. There was the money to pay the gas bill and get some groceries.

So, I know that Spirit is aware of me, and that I have friends who hear Spirit. Those seem really rather miraculous to me these days.Depression is a terrible disease, one that take's a lot of my energy to deal with,and I just haven't had the extra energy lately. But, even though it feels like my steps forward can be measured in centimeters, I do think I am starting to move forward a bit,and as I am often heard to say...every step you take is a step away from where you used to be. Now it may only be a centimeter away, but it is away. So, here I am, struggling,and today just throws everything it can at me. That stupid low fuel light came on when we went to the library, and then we got home and on the hottest day of the week my electricity goes out. Now my first response was to panic. I opened the front door, and the stairwell light in our building was still on. Because while I had caught up, the next bill has arrived,and my anxious mind immediately thought they had turned my electricity off. Just then, the apartment door across the hall opened,and their electricity was off too. So, the neighbor heads down to the basement of the building and it turns out it was the circuit breakers for the ground floor apartments.  So, one more crisis averted.

Of course, my panic reflex had already kicked on, and so it has been a long afternoon. My pain level went up and I got a headache. Stress will do that, its the adrenaline I think. That's when the Best Medicine showed up. My son checked out a DVD at the library,and put it in the player. It is a DVD of all of the Tom and Jerry cartoons ever made, and so for the last hour my house has been filled with the most beautiful sound in the whole world, my son's laughter. Tom and Jerry cartoons are his type of humor, and his laughter seems to come from his toes,and fill his whole body-and he is 6' 7" tall, so that is a BIG laugh. A beautiful, musical laugh that makes me smile. It's been a while since I smiled,and today, after the stress, after the worries, I have been smiling for over an hour.

So, while I still have problems,and while I still have depression, I have managed to take a step away, a step filled with smiles, and that seems to me to be the very best thing in a long time. Just a few everyday miracles and laughter, the best of medicines. Spirit seems to be hearing me, don't you think?

My Hero

I had an interesting conversation with my son today.My son is a person with autism. He is 26 years old. I started questioning his pediatrician when he was just a little more than a year old.We visited our first so-called expert when he was 18 months old. Much has changed since then, thankfully. Those first 'experts' were so wrong about so many things.

My son is my hero. He meets every day with optimism, and is truly the most content person I have ever known. Things most of us take for granted can be difficult for him,but perseveres and learns how to deal with any challenge.

Having a conversation is not easy for him. He talks to me the easiest when we are in the car. There is a reason for this, when we are in the car, Mom has to pay attention to driving, so I can't ask him for eye contact, or even to look at me. Because his brain works differently, he doesn't see things the way most do. He can't read body language or facial expression. He is challenged by tone of voice. Today, it dawned on me that that also describes those of us who communicate with others on the computer. When we read a post on facebook, or a message board, we can only read the words. We can't read body language, or facial expression. We can't hear the tone of voice.

So, back to the conversation I had with my son. We were discussing a commercial we had seen while watching some NASCAR programming. In the commercial, a driver mentions that the rate of autism in our children is now 1 in 110. When my son was diagnosed nearly 25 years ago it was thought the rate was 1 in 10,000. So our conversation was centered on not only the need for awareness campaigns, but on the increase in numbers of persons with autism.

I guess I need to point out that we have always considered my sons autism as a blessing. We accept that his brain works differently, and that that difference is not bad, it is just different. I am often astounded at the way he thinks. I was told I was "an unrealistic" parent by certain experts because I said that if we can figure out how the autistic brain works we would find the answers to most of the worlds problems. I thought that when my son was a toddler, I totally believe it now that he is a young man.

When we talked, my son said awareness is necessary so that more people can see that different is just different, not wrong, or bad. Just different.People need to see that there is nothing to be afraid of when someone is different,and that being different doesn't make you less of a person. We also talked about how awareness campaigns might help those who aren't blessed with autism to be more patient with some who are.

Then we talked about how many more people are being born blessed with autism. That is when I was reminded that the answers to our problems might just be in those autistic brains. "What if," he said, "there are more people with autism because the world needs the way we think. What if our brains are evolving to help."

What if, indeed! In a world where more and more communication takes place on the computer. More and more communication takes place where we are unable to read body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. In a world where in my lifetime technology has evolved more than I can even comprehend some days, what if more people are being born with brains that function differently because we need them.  I was definitely given something to think about, and that is only one of the reasons he is my hero!

I need One

I am still not functioning very well due to the lingering effects of the shingles. When you have a chronic medical condition, especially a chronic pain medical condition, you have a finite amount of energy. You spend most of that energy dealing with the pain, and the rest of it dealing with everyday necessities of life. So, something as simple as a common cold, or as difficult as the shingles, can wreak havoc with your body, because there simply are no reserves of energy to deal with it.So things like writing a blog tend to not happen, even though you have the best of intentions. Then, the next thing you know you are feeling pretty damn sorry for yourself, and more things in your life get left by the wayside. It is all too easy to start thinking that no one else has things as bad as you-which you know is a crock-but it feels like it some days. Then you start withdrawing into yourself, because honestly who wants to be around someone as miserable as you.


Dang, we tell ourselves some stupid stuff!!! (maybe it's just me that does that)


Truth is we need people, and there are more than likely people in our lives that are missing us.People in our lives that think we are pretty cool.


Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.~~Jane Howard~~


We need others. We may at one time or other stick our noses in the air and sniff "That's OK, I don't need anyone else." But it's a lie, we know it's a lie when we say it, we only say it so that some other person is not allowed to see how badly they are hurting us by leaving us or rejecting us. But, the truth is we need others. We need some people just for a season, and that is OK. They may move into our lives and move out again. But we need others, because we have a need to be loved, but more importantly I think, we have a need to love. Hopefully, we will learn that we have to start by loving ourselves, taking care of ourselves, learning and living the truth about ourselves. This enables us to surround ourself with the right others. When we are operating under the untruths that get stuck in our head, we often surround ourself with the WRONG others, so instead of being strengthened, encouraged, loved, we end up depleted, despairing, and destroyed. When we choose to love ourselves we will create a tribe, a group of others who have our greater good at heart. But when we are choosing to operate outside of love for ourself, we can surround us with toxic, discouraging others.Sometimes, we are that toxic discouraging other,and we need our tribe, clan, friends to help us remember our truths and to love ourselves again.

Women and Obesity and a New Year

My dear friend Colin posted a photo on facebook this morning that he considered disturbing in its implications and got my mind going...



When I was growing up it was unusual for someone to be as overweight as me. I was an anomaly. As American society moved towards the obesity epidemic we had to go through the late sixties and early seventies, where thinness became the societal norm for beauty. Caucasian thinness, stick thin anorexic models such as Twiggy came to represent the ideal for beauty in our culture. We moved away from normal women, Marilyn Monroe, Rita Hayworth, Mamie Van Doren, women with curves, and in doing so we spawned eating disorders in our young women. In the middle part of the century only women of wealth could achieve the desired beauty, and they did so at the expense of their health. Anorexia became a disease for the masses instead of just for the F.Scott Fitzgerald neighborhood. As we moved through the late part of the century we were becoming obese because of changes in the agrarian nature of our society, HFCS and unhealthy convenience foods became more prevalent. Every one started eating like poor people, who had often been overweight because fresh fruit and vegetables were unavailable to urban poor. Cheap carbohydrates, hormone laced meat products, these became more widely available.  The culture started getting fat. A whole generation of women became what I had been all my life, obese. But they became obese in a culture that adored thinness, they hate themselves. So now we add self esteem issues to the obvious health issues of heart disease, diabetes, etc. We have a generation that is getting fatter while hating themselves for it.Such a difficult road to travel, our bodies resist starvation. But, hating our bodies while not able to attain the so called beauty standard brought a generation of women for whom Prozac and Zoloft became the norm, widely available to the masses, where before we had upper and upper middle class women abusing valium. Self esteem issues that helped turn normal women into morbidly obese women while they used the most widely available mood altering drug-food- to try to feel better about themselves. Vicious circle created.

So, now we have a diet industry, and a generation of women who hate themselves so much that they can not grasp the theory that they need to take care of themselves, physically, emotionally, spiritually, before they can take care of others. Generations of women grasping at every fad diet that comes by, when the truth is it is never about 'dieting', it is about learning to eat well, giving food its proper place in our lives.  Food became lover, friend, mother, father, giving us pleasure that should have been derived elsewhere. We learned to hate ourselves. Learned to not value our contributions because we looked different than the standards of beauty. White, upper middle class standards applied to the rest of us. Standards that we never should have aspired to reach. As the words of the song from the musical Oklahoma, 'round and pink and pretty', should have been what we strived for. Women are meant to be full bodied, for work, and childbirth, for the survival of the species. The estrogen that makes us feminine is created and stored in our fat cells. The cultural norm of thinness makes us less feminine, and as we strive for liberation as feminists we enslave our bodies in reaching for a mythical standard of beauty.So how do we stop the vicious circle? How do we keep from enslaving the next generation in the endless cycle of hating our bodies? I think we start by learning to love our selves right here, right now, and what better time than the beginning of a New Year!

Let this New Year be the beginning of a new life in each of us wherein"old things are passed away." Let all blessed old things stay, but let the clutter of our heads and hearts be removed, that new inspirations and new affections may come in to gladden our lives.~~Chester Burg Emerson~~

It's the New Year.Here we are. The entire culture is health obsessed for the next few weeks. All of the grocery store have 'healthy' foods on sale, the TV is plastered with ads for this and that crazy weight loss product. Everyone is motivated. As the weeks go by, and the quick fixes are just too hard to keep up, or the same old issues keep rearing their ugly heads, that motivation will slip away, and it will be back to business as usual. Except for those of us fortunate enough to have figured out that it is not about a quick fix, or the newest fad diet. It is never about not eating. It is about making the best choices we can make at any given moment, learning to find the old issues and deal with them, so that we can kick them to the curb and get on with the business of learning that we are indeed beautiful, wonderful, intelligent, articulate, deserving, worthy individuals.

We are deserving of the best that life has to offer. So in order to achieve that we will let those old negative thoughts and untruths hat clutter up our minds be the "old things that are passed away." They aren't worth keeping around, they are ugly non productive lies that were told to us by others our ourselves so often that we began to believe them and live them. Just as a child will live up to expectations or down to expectations, so will we. So we must get rid of that junk cluttering up our minds, and replace the old things with blessed new things. The TRUTH of who we are and what we can accomplish when we realize that it is our choice to accomplish it. New inspirations, new affections, affection for ourselves. Loving ourselves enough to know that when we take care of ourselves we take care of the others in our lives better. Loving ourselves enough to only let true things hang out in our memory, and to make the best choices we can in any circumstance. To know that the choice we make may not always be the best, and to forgive ourselves for those times and to make the best choice in the very next moment. So bring on the New Year, we are ready to meet it, ready to do the work we have to do to make it the best year ever. Choosing to let our choices be the things that gladden our hearts.

'Tis the Season

Does it seem as if all of a sudden every where you turn you are encountering rude behavior? If so, believe me you are not the only one. I think it is just a stressful time of year. We have entered the 'holiday' season. Since time began, humans have had celebrations during the winter season, and for good reason. When the winter is upon us, we sometimes need to be reminded that it will not always be dark and the light will return.

So here we are, just a few days from Thanksgiving, and we are already starting to see people running around getting stressed out and being rude and unkind to each other. It is not easy to remain calm when someone is rude, but if we are to reclaim civility and peace for our society, we have to start by reclaiming it in our own lives.

The holidays are hard for us sometimes, in that the reality often doesn't match up with our expectations. We want so much to create either the holidays of our memory or the holidays of Norman Rockwell's imagination. For those of us who don't have halcyon memories to draw on, we think we will make up for it by making sure our loved ones do. For those of us with great memories we compete with trying to accomplish all of those things in a different time. And so we are worn out, frazzled, frustrated.

I think the first place to start to reclaim some peace and tranquility at this time of year is to acknowledge that the Norman Rockwell holiday was a figment of Rockwell's imagination. I love Rockwell's work, but honestly those illustrations were just that- illustrations. Yes, I am sure that there are families and celebrations that look like that, but I am also sure that there are families that don't. So I think we have to allow ourselves to relax and to create what works for us. No more 'keeping up with the Joneses'!

Now my maiden name was Jones, so I have always found the thought of 'keeping up with the Joneses' absurd. Believe me, we weren't worth keeping up with. Holiday dinners at our house were fraught with difficulty.When all of the siblings and their families got together there were bound to be arguments, fights, and just general mayhem. I don't remember a time when everyone was speaking to each other, there was always some point of contention somewhere. One of the memories I laugh at was the year Thanksgiving dinner was at the home of one of my brothers instead of my parents. That brothers wife did not care for me (her loss) and she very cleverly made that known! I happen to have food allergies,in particular coconut and walnuts. On that table there was not one dish that did not include coconut or walnuts. NOT ONE! From the salads to the stuffing to the gravy, some form of coconut or walnut had been included in every recipe. Then she whined because I excused myself from the table without eating anything. My brother yelled at me that I was disrespecting his wife, and as I left the room my family started arguing. Just another family gathering at the Joneses!

So, as we start the countdown to the end of the year, my advice is to relax. All you can do is all you can do. Perhaps it is time to simplify anyway. As we encounter rude people who are stressing out, smile, perhaps say a little prayer that they will be blessed, and remain calm. That guy that just cut you off on the freeway, ask God to bless his life and keep him safe. That cranky neighbor, ask God to pour out blessing on her. That frazzled cashier, thank her for working hard and wish her a blessed day. Whatever you do, do not repay rudeness with rudeness. You only make yourself unhappy when you do that, and the truth is rude people are unhappy people, no need to add to their numbers.

Perhaps remind yourself of the first few lines of the prose poem Desiderata (Latin for desired things)

"Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit..."

Who knows, perhaps we can reclaim good manners and civility in our time, and if not we can certainly reclaim it for our life!

November is RSD/CRPS Awareness Month

Awareness months seem commonplace these days, and so it can be easy to ignore them. Then of course, something hits home with you in a personal way, and you feel the need to be part of the awareness. As the parent of a young man with autism, I have written about autism awareness. This month, I am writing as a person with RSD.

What is RSD/CRPS you ask? Well, according to the National Organization of Rare Disorders "Reflex sympathetic dystrophy syndrome (RSDS), also known as complex regional pain syndrome(CRPS), is a rare disorder of the sympathetic nervous system that is characterized by chronic, severe pain. The sympathetic nervous system is that part of the autonomic nervous system that regulates involuntary functions of the body such as increasing heart rate, constricting blood vessels, and increasing blood pressure. Excessive or abnormal responses of portions of the sympathetic nervous system are thought to be responsible for the pain associated with reflex sympathetic dystrophy syndrome."

Now, this post is not to seek sympathy, but to increase awareness. So many live with what are sometimes called invisible diseases. It can be difficult for those who love us to come to terms with the fact that we are in pain. My late husband hated my pain more than me. He felt completely helpless, not an easy thing for a loving spouse to feel. The first few years-I experienced my first symptoms in 2001 on our honeymoon-I felt a lot of guilt. Yes, guilt. It isn't easy knowing that family times and plans depend on how Mom is feeling that day.

It took a year before I found the doctors I rely on. Rare disorders are like that. Most doctors have limited knowledge of the disorder and even less knowledge of how to deal with it. I was misdiagnosed by several doctors. Really unfortunate because if diagnosed early there is a chance to stop the progression. I was progressed into phase 3 of 4 before I found the right doctors.Still, I was not finished with unknowing medical professionals. After I found my wonderful neurologist, who not only knew what was wrong with me, but knew how to help me, I had to change my primary care  physician. The one I had been using quite simply looked at the diagnosis from the neurologist and told me there was no such thing as RSD and that I was imagining it.

Now RSD has been in the medical literature for 150 years. The name has changed through the years, in fact the name has changed since I developed it in 2001, but it has been written about since the Civil War. So, you can imagine how disheartening it was for a physician I trusted to look me in the eye and tell me I was imagining the most excruciating pain known to exist. He simply refused to continue treating me if I persisted in seeing my neurologist for treatment of the RSD. For me, this is underscores why  we need to have an RSD/CRPS awareness month.Even doctors need to be educated.

Twenty five years ago when I first started seeking answers for what was different about my son, it became obvious that educating people was going to be part of the equation. I had never met anyone dealing with autism, and so I found myself researching and studying so that I could educate family, friends, even the doctors and educators we were dealing with. Fast forward,and I am find the same need to educate when it comes to RSD. Luckily, we now have more avenues open to research, share information and connect with others doing the same thing. All too often when you are dealing with something you can feel isolated, as if you are the only person in the world who has to go through what you are going through. In this day of social networks and awareness months it is so good to know that there are others out there who understand.

While no two people have exactly the same experiences, it is always helpful to know that you are not alone. This disorder is not easy to live with. There is no cure, and as horrific as enduring the physical pain can be, the psychological and spiritual pain can be even worse. It is not easy being in pain, being treated badly by the medical establishment,misunderstood by friends and family, needing large doses of narcotics just to get through the day. It will wear you out. It isn't even easy to describe the pain you are feeling.OK, imagine that someone has set your nervous system on fire, is applying a cattle prod and attempting to shred the flesh from your bones with a giant meat fork, all at the same time. I told you it was hard to describe the pain that an RSD patient endures. NOW multiply what you imagine that might feel like by about 10,000.You might be getting an idea of the severity of the pain. Honestly, that is the best picture I can give you. Now imagine that the pain that is constant at about a 6-7 out of 10 can be spiked up to about a 12 out of 10 (I am not exaggerating) simply because the fabric of the skirt you are wearing was touched by a puff of wind. The pain colors every moment of your life. Every breath you take. Am I enjoying a sunset on my deck? What if the wind comes up, what if the fabric in this skirt is scratchy, what if I simply breathe deep and the pain flares? You have to think about these things,and learn to deal with them.

Of course, RSD is not the only disease/disorder that involves chronic pain, there are way too many. It just happens to be one of the diseases I have (it is the only one I talk a lot about, I won't bore you with the other 4). There are an estimated 5 million people worldwide suffering from RSD.The reason I talk about RSD is so that other people can be encouraged to talk about what they are dealing with. It is my small way of saying that you can learn to manage your pain, and perhaps even to manage to have a life in spite of it.

You can learn to manage the pain with medication, good doctors, and with the meditation and breathing that you use for so many things.For me Faith is so important in learning to manage something like this.Some days you might be stuck in poor pitiful me mode, but Creator will not leave you there. Most High will whisper to you that your next blog post should talk about the pain. So Spirit will nudge you to share your stories, share about the pain that is so integral to what is going on in your life.Share that I really do believe I have the choice to pray for healing, the choice to deal with the disease should healing not come. Life is all about choice. I choose faith in my Creator to overcome even the most painful disease known to man. What choices do you have today?