I Don't Eat Kale...

..I know you're shocked, right? Seeing as how I am a vegetarian and I've lost 265 pounds and everything and it's supposed to be some magic food and all. But, I don't like it, so I don't eat it. Besides, it's not anymore more magic than any other food. NOW, toss some collards, mustard, or turnip greens in a pot and see me line up for seconds. When the Swiss Chard is in season ask me for my favorite recipe. But, I like those equally healthy greens so I eat them.I don't eat celery either. It's nasty. I don't make slimy things out of chia seeds, and I don't 'detox' my body with a juice fast. I know people who do,and whatever works for them is fine with me, but stop telling other people that this is what they HAVE to do.

Here's something else...I don't drink much water. A little when I take my medication.  I certainly don't drink half my weight in ounces every day, and I still manage to remain well hydrated and healthy.Of course I do drink a pot of coffee, and half gallon of tea and I eat lots of water rich fruits and veggies.

While I'm at it, let me address some other things I have seen people say recently...

Don't eat carbs after 2 p.m. your body immediately stores them as fat. UM, no, that isn't even how your body works. Your body doesn't really care whether you ate at 2 or midnight. Oh, yeah, I eat at midnight. Often I eat cinnamon toast as a bedtime snack. The only peer reviewed scientific study about eating carbs at night showed that the men they studied lost more weight while eating most of their calories and carbs at night.

Avoid all white food. OK, we know how I feel about food. Food is NOT the enemy. No matter what color it is.

Eat this, don't eat that, only eat at certain times. Oh, and take this magic pill, or that magic potion.

So, here is my advice...

Relax, learn to eat well. Give food it's proper place in your life-food is fuel and nutrition, but it is also meant to be enjoyed. Remember, the only thing in your life you are in total control of is what, when and how much you choose to eat.

Oh, and don't eat what you don't like no matter how good it is supposed to be for you.

Oh and when I weighed in this week this happened...
GOOOAAALLLLLLL!!

 

It takes a while

So, sometimes when we change things about ourselves, it takes a while for it to soak in to our mind.

I have been sharing about my weight loss. My last post was about my realizing that I had an emotional reaction to the words obese and overweight. I surprised myself. I love when I learn something new about myself.


We can always choose to perceive things differently. You can focus on what's wrong in your life, or you can focus on what's right.~~Marianne Williamson~~

If I were to focus on what's wrong in my life, I would never get out of the bed, in fact, I might be tempted to just end it all! But, there is so much more that is right, that when I focus on that it overrides any pesky little problem. Changing our perception is where the secret lies. If we grew up believing that there was something wrong with us, we have to unlearn  that and replace those thoughts.

It may be hard to believe, but when I look in the mirror I rarely see a difference...no matter how much I weigh or whether I have gained or lost weight. I just don't see much of a difference. Perception is often reality.

Now, even when I weighed 490 pounds, my perception of myself was not negative. I have never considered myself any more or less attractive based on my size. I was blessed to have a great teacher when I was a child that taught me that my self-esteem is not based on my size. I firmly believe that we are not the nu8mbers on a scale and should not measure our worth based on those numbers or the numbers on a clothing tag, I am human and use those numbers as a tool to gauge where I am in my journey. Especially since when I look in a mirror I just don't see me differently.

I am nearing my goal weight. Then of course the real work starts-maintaining that weight and not having to lose this all again. I wish I had learned that lesson 50 years ago!

I will not be successful at dealing with my weight issues because I reach some 'mythical' goal weight. I will be a success when I have learned to be faithful to making the healthiest choices I can make every day. When I have learned to UNLEARN the things that cause me to use food in unhealthy, inappropriate ways.I was never successful in the past because like most of us, I believed the wrong things. When I thought this journey was about NOT eating-when in fact it is about learning to eat well, day after day.

Like I said, it takes a while. But, boy is it ever worth it!

Peace and Blessings,
EB






.

It's just a word...

...or so I thought.

So, Monday morning is my weigh in day. Hey, all dieting efforts start on Monday's--it's a law, right?

This morning, I lost 1.25 pounds--and that is my 53rd weekly weigh in in a row with a loss. I have no idea who this body belongs too, but she ain't getting it back! Actually, I've kind of figured out that being post menopausal has been good for my weigh loss efforts. I no longer have hormonal gains every 3 or 4 weeks, and it really is nice to think that being an old crone has benefits!

So, anyway, here i am working hard to deal with my weight, and it is working! I am glad something in my life is working, it might s well be my weight loss efforts.

Now, I have been overweight since I was a few days old. My stature has always been that of one of those few who are genetically programmed to gain weight easily and hold onto it. Truthfully, we are the reason the species survived the cave man days. In paleolithic times we seem to have been venerated--and there are wonderful little statues that look just like me.

So imagine my surprise, when I got excited over my weight--and more specifically my BMI-this morning. Now I really don't put much stock in the BMI as a rule of thumb for what we should weight. AND, my goal weigh is well outside of the BMI parameters. But, there are lots of different ways to measure what a healthy weight is, so why did I look at a BMI chart this week?

Well, on one of the forums I take part in a woman was asking about her BMI-so I looked at the charts so I could make sure I was giving accurate information. Casually, while checking her BMI, I input my height and weight, and I'll be darned it caught my attention. If I lost a half a pound this week I would move from OBESE to OVERWEIGHT.

Now, when I saw that, it made me think, really this is why I don't care much for charts. A half a pound would make a difference in whether I was OBESE or OVERWEIGHT--seriously? Who came up with this stupid plan? My doctor and I have set a goal weight for me, and I am 4.5 pounds away from it. We think it makes a lot of sense, considering my history, my health, and other factors-such as my waist to height ratio, etc. But, if I went to another doctor, last week he or she would have described me as OBESE, this week as OVERWEIGHT, based on some arbitrary number on a scale and some arbitrary chart.

Now, I truly believe a scale is just a tool that we use in measuring our journey. We are not the numbers on a scale, and should not measure our worth based on those numbers, since a scale is a mechanical device that can be wrong.Fortunately,my success is not based on the numbers on a scale. I will not be successful at dealing with my weight issues just because I reach some 'mythical' goal weight. I will be a success at this issue of dealing with my wieght when I have learned to be faithful to making the healthiest choices I can make every day.I will be successful at this weight thing when I have learned to UNLEARN the things that cause me to use food in unhealthy inappropriate ways. I will never be successful if I think this journey is about NOT eating when in fact learning to eat well, faithfully, day after day, is the goal I should be pursuing.I truly believe this.

BUT, I will admit that when i weighed in this morning and saw that number, knowing that it changed one word in my life touched some part of me i didn't know was there. SO, it just goes to show that you are never to old to learn something about yourself!!

That, and  whether I am OBESE or merely OVERWEIGHT...
 I am still a goddess!

Woman of Willendorf



 

Food Is Not the Enemy

So, after I posted about my weight loss this year, I got several messages from people asking me how I am doing this. I make no secret of the fact that I use Weight Watchers. I use the program as a tool to help me be mindful of my eating.

I participate on the Weight Watchers message boards,and some groups on facebook to help me stay mindful. The thing I notice, on all of those social media is that there is just so much bad information and bad advice being handed out. Way too many people trying to sell some drink or nostrum 'guaranteed' to make it so you can eat whatever you want and lose weight. Way too many dangerous toxic 'all-natural' miracle pills and promises.

Honest, if these things were the answer, we'd all be normal weight. Unfortunately, they are at the very least ineffective, and often very dangerous.Americans spend $40 billion a year on weight-loss programs and products.Those of us with weight issues get lied to A LOT! Our health is all too often compromised because we want so very much to not be overweight. Eat this, drink this, don't eat that, take this miracle pill. I saw someone tell someone this morning to never eat more than 500 calories a day. Seriously.

I personally have been overweight all of my life.I was given my first 'diet pills' back in the 1950's when I was six years old and the diet pills were speed-we'll talk about my issues with drug abuse in my teens and twenties later, I think I know where they started though. According to the charts, even at the goal my doctor set for me, I will still be overweight--but since I weigh less now than I did when I was 9 years old, I'm OK with that. I have a great doctor, she uses some common sense instead of a generic chart. She also uses things like waist to hip ratio and my favorite waist to height ratio! That one is my favorite because I have an hour glass figure with a small waist for someone my weight. In fact, my doctor says the only woman with a better waist to height ratio than me is Barbie and we all know she is plastic.

So for those who asked, here are some things I have learned over the years...

>FOOD is not the enemy. Food has many places in our lives. Food is first and foremost fuel and nutrition. But it is also, sacred, communal, social, and my favorite-just downright sensual.

>It is never about NOT eating, it is about learning to eat well. For me that means eat real food. As much as possible stay away from artificial sweeteners, low fat, fat free,sugar free, processed,diet food. Just eat real food, prepared well. I tend to follow some guidelines, I like to eat seasonal when it comes to fruits and vegetables, try to buy local and organic. I like Babara Kingsolver's book Animal, Vegetable, Miracle for reminding myself why I choose these options.

>Eat mindfully. I have tried to practice mindful eating. Mindful eating is for me to pay attention to what I am eating. To stop simply grabbing something. I don't think I am the only one who has gone to the kitchen and grabbed a handful of something without thinking, only to realize later that I ate the whole bag of Nutter Butters, or quart of Ben and Jerry's, or half a loaf cinnamon toast. So, I have learned to pay attention to what I am eating. To give my full attention to that moment. Why am I eating? Am I eating because I am hungry, or am I just bored, lonely, stressed, depressed. Am I using food for what it is intended for, or an I using food for something it was never meant to be. This is where tracking or journaling comes in. If I am faithful to my tracking/journaling, then I am being mindful.

>I no longer diet. I gave that up several years ago. I had over the years starved myself, deprived myself, and dieted to close to 500 pounds. I had to step back and see that none of that worked. I had to stop using food for the wrong reasons, and embrace foods place in my life.Food is not my friend, my lover, my therapist, or my anti-depressant. Food is food. I will never again do anything to lose weight that i am not prepared to do every day for the rest of my life. If someone or some program tells you to starve yourself, deprive yourself, only eat certain foods, or take some magic pill or nostrum, stop listening to them.

There are no magic pills. There is only learning to come into a healthy relationship with food.

Here we are in the middle of a holiday season. Relax, enjoy in moderation, make choices. THAT is what skinny people do. If you overindulge, forgive yourself, eat lighter the next day and move forward. Skinny people all over the country will overindulge during the holidays.The difference between them and those of us who have weight issues? They don't see enjoying food as a character flaw. They don't beat themselves up because they had Grandma's famous pie, or my very famous peanut butter fudge. They know that there are times that food is to be shared, times that food is meant to delight the senses.

 Eat well. Eat real food that tastes good. Be mindful of every bite as it fuels your body, connects you with loved ones, brings good memories, and delights the senses. Food is many things, but food is NOT the Enemy.

Peace and Blessings,
EB

Begin Right Here

The quote for today is... The journey begins right here. In the middle of the road. Right beneath your feet. This is the place. There is no other place. There is no other time.~~David Whyte~~ We are who we are, where we are, and our journey can only begin right there. We can not put off living life until we attain whatever circumstances we think is ideal for the beginning of the journey. Every step we take is a step away from where we used to be, so as much as we may think that we can put off living life to the fullest until we are _______(fill in the blank, thin enough, rich enough,old enough, etc.)The only thing we manage to put off is the wonderful opportunities that await us as we head off on our journey. I have a friend who has lost 100 pounds, and still has a couple of hundred to lose. She said the other day that one of her goals is to be able to wear a dress. She thinks that she has to be a 'certain' size to wear a dress, so for the last 20 plus years she has made excuses to not go to events where she would have felt out of place in her jeans and oversized shirts. When I hear her say things like that, I weep. She has spent so much time missing out on wonderful events because she thinks she is not worthy of dressing a certain way.The journey begins right where we are, there is no other place we can be, so we can not let our fears, founded or unfounded keep us waiting until we get over there before we allow ourselves to live life to the fullest. Because the truth is we can not get over there unless we step out from where we are. So, whatever it is that you have been putting off until you lose weight, do it now. We are not the numbers on the scale, we are not the size on a tag in our clothing. We are wonderfully deserving beautiful women who deserve to experience the very best in life.In order to experience the very best in life we have to live.Now. In this place, in this time. Peace and Blessings, EstherBelle

A Look at What's Going Right

Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.~~Marianne Williamson~~

I think we have to be aware of how very blessed we are. When the going gets rough it is so easy to think that things have always been hard and they won't ever not be. But, the truth is no matter how hard life is, life is good, and we need to remember to find the joy. When I used to speak to groups I can always tell which ones are thinking "But you don't know how hard my life is" I tell them "Ah, but I do.If we list your problems on one side of the blackboard and mine on the other, I guarantee I win, my list will be longer." But, my list of blessings is longer still, and I am trying make it a point to not let the troubles keep me from remembering that.

So, what is going right in my life? Well, I have been losing weight this year. Now that may not sound like a really big deal to some, but for me it is part of a lifelong struggle with weight. I was thin one day, in my life. It was a day in June way too many decades ago. i weighed 5 pounds even the day I was born, and at 23 inches long that made me a very skinny baby. Trouble was by my 3 week checkup-according to my baby book- I weighed 15 pounds.By the time I was 11 I weighed 300 pounds. So, this struggle to maintain a reasonable weight started early for me.

Now, over the years I have lost weight many times, many, many times. I then of course gained it all back and more. So, much to my surprise when I finally decided to try Weight Watchers some years ago, I managed to stop gaining all the weigh back after I lost it.

Nw that is not to say my journey on Weight Watchers has been a straight line. It has indeed had it's ups and downs. I have managed however to maintain a large weight loss.

I have taken a couple of major detours--my husband was killed by a drunk driver and I went on the Double Stuff Oreo diet for months, regained about half the weight I had lost.  Got back on track and lost it again, then I broke my leg, my son got sick, I lost my job and my home, and I spent last fall struggling with depression and regained some weight.

So, in January I got back on track.

I am struggling mightily these days with money problems, and it would be so easy to comfort myself with food. BUT, in times when everything is going wrong and out of control I have finally learned that the only thing I can control is what, when, and how much I CHOOSE to eat. And that surprisingly has been very liberating for me in my struggles with my weight.

So, this morning when I weighed in I lost another pound, and I am trying hard to find something to be happy about so this is it. I am ONE pound away from my lowest weight ever in the last 30 years.

So, I am indulging myself by looking at pictures to see if I can see a difference. Wanna see?

When I got married i weighed about 450 pounds....

My highest weight was about 490 a year or so later. Then I had some health issues-not weight related-and needed to lose some weight so I joined Weight Watchers and over the next few years lost 200+ pounds.

This is what I looked like when my husband was killed, I weighed about 300 pounds...

Then I went on that Double Stuff Oreo diet and gained 60-70 pounds, back to about 368 pounds...

That lasted for a while, and I got myself back on track again and lost those pounds and a few more, I got down to about 260 pounds...

I maintained that for a while, and then went through the health issues with my son, breaking my leg,losing my job, losing my house and last falls severe depression. Of course I gained some weight back, not all of it, but I got back up to 348 pounds (the good thing is I have managed to not gain back to where I was during any of these detours...

So in January I got back on track, and this is where I am now...252 pounds, one pound away from my lowest ever weight of 251...

So, I have lots of blessings I can think on...

I have good friends (some of whom you can see in the pictures), I have an amazing kid, and I am in control of what, when, and how much I choose to eat. I hope, no I PLAN to lose about 25-30 more pounds and work on maintaining that through thick and thin (in a manner of speaking) and whatever troubles come our way.

BUT,
Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.~~Marianne Williamson

 And today I choose to recognize the things that are going right!!

Peace and Blessings,
EB

p.s. I do have generous wonderful friends,and I am getting closer and closer to having the money to fix the car issues, if you feel led to share the paypal button is on the right.
















 

Finish Each Day

I have a bad attitude today. That is really unlike me, life is hard, but even though I struggle with depression, that is different than just being in a bad mood. So,needing an attitude adjustment I went looking through the files of things I have written, ands this one from 6 years ago spoke to me today.

So, here it is, letting go of yesterday and concentrarting on today--in other words remembering to live in the moment!!

Today's quote....
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as
soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely
and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.~~ Ralph Waldo Emerson~~

Well, sure seems like that was written just for those of us with weight issues learning to stick with a program. Finish each day and be done with it. Do not let the choices you made yesterday keep you from making the best choices you can today. Having weight issues is not a character flaw. We are not bad people, second class citizens because we sometimes slip up and make wrong choices when it comes to eating. So, if yesterday you slipped into some old habits, it has nothing to do with today. What we are pushing towards is progress, not perfection. All too many of us are perfectionists, all or nothing types, who if we slip off the program for a bit, throw our hands in the air and compound the mistake. We conclude that if we can't be perfect we just might as well not try. One of the most important lessons we need to learn is that when it comes to losing weight, we don't HAVE to be perfect. In fact, if we manage to stay on program three fourths of the time we still end up having lost weight in the long run. So, no matter what yesterday brought, start today with an eager anticipation, not based on "old nonsense" but based on today being a new day!!! Begin it well!!

Peace and Blessings,
EB

Hope

Here's a quote for today:

“Dum spiro, spero.”
–Latin Proverb, meaning, “While I breathe, I hope.”

Hope is a wonderful gift, it means to desire with expectation of obtainment, to expect with confidence. It is one of those words that pretty much means the same thing as a noun or as a verb. Now we all remember what a verb is, it is a word requiring action. So, when we hope, we must also take action. In relation to our hopes for weight loss, if we are to desire with the expectation of obtainment, then we have to take the necessary steps to achieve that. We all know what those steps are, journaling, portion control(weighing and measuring if we have to), exercise, drink our water, eat our fruits and veggies, and our dairy. Now when me take those actions, we definitely have hope that we will be healthier. We CHOOSE to move towards that desired expectation of obtainment by CHOOSING to do what we know we have to do. So, while we breathe, we hope, and as we hope we make the best choices we can make. Then the desired expectation is in our reach. Pretty cool!!

Peace and Blessings,

Of Course You Can

Today's quote...
We were all given the same amount of spirit. None more, none less. The difference between individuals is allowing the Spirit to have more of you.~~Bear Heart~~

Whenever you read a weight loss success story on the internet, or in a magazine, the person who has reached their goal will usually say something like "If I can do it, anyone can do it." I know that when some of us read that they sometimes think that doesn't include them, but the truth is that not one of those people sharing their success story has more spirit, or drive, or motivation, or discipline than the rest of us. So, if I can do it you can do it, is actually true.

BUT, first we have to give ourselves over to learning the truth about who we are, and discovering that we are a person of worth, and learning that we CAN do anything we set our minds to do. Yes, sometimes our challenges might be more than someone else, sometimes the obstacles in our way can be daunting. But inside each of us is that place where the truth has been replaced by untruths over the years, and we need to capture each one of those untruths and replace it with the truth.
Takes work on our part sometimes, but every time we think a negative thought that we aren't worthy of the best in life we need to stop, ask ourselves if that is true, tell ourselves that it isn't true and replace it with a true thought.

Every time we hear in our head that we aren't smart enough, or good enough, or pretty enough, we need to say stop, that is not true, the truth is I am smart enough, I am good enough, I am beautiful. I am a person of great worth, and I deserve to treat myself well. It is a choice we can make, and when we believe that we deserve to treat ourselves well, we will make the best choices we can to become healthier in our mind, body, and spirit. When we become used to making the choices that make us the best we can be, then it will become easier to work towards our healthy bodies, because we are worth it!! Treat yourself well today, no one deserves it more.

Peace and Blessings,
EB


p.s. I am still a bit short on the money to fix my car, so if your spirit leads you there is a paypal button to the right. Forgive me for needing to mention it. 

No Limits

The quote for the day is...
You have powers you never dreamed of. You can do things you never thought you could do. There are no limitations in what you can do except the limitations in your own mind as to what you cannot do. Don't think you cannot. Think you can.~~Darwin P. Kingsley~~

Actually, when I read this I thought, well, I don't have to add anything, that pretty much sums it up. All too often, the limitations in our mind were placed there by other people. Those untruths that I often talk about us replacing. When we learn that other peoples opinions are not our truth, and erase those old tapes and replace those thoughts with the truth of who we are, there is no limit to what we can do. My doctor and I often talk about the limitations that people allow to be placed on themselves when they receive a diagnosis of a chronic illness. When we learn that there is no cure for what is ailing us, we often start behaving as if the disease defines what we can and can not do.

 We've met these people. Someone who feels that illness or the medication she was taking made it impossible to lose weight. My answer is always that it might make it more challenging, but nothing makes it impossible. If we start to believe that we have limitations, we stop attempting new things, and when we stop attempting new things we stop growing intellectually, emotionally, spiritually. And when we stop growing, then we start believing that there are things we can't do. So, for today, let your mind wander. Think of something you have always wanted to do but had let yourself believe that you couldn't do. Have you always wanted to learn another language? Find the local community college and sign up for a class. Have you always wanted to learn to rollerblade? Take yourself to the nearest skating rink and take a class. Knitting? Can do. Sing in the choir? Yes, you can. Take control of your thinking and start believing in yourself? No problem. There is nothing you can't do once you choose to. Ahh, you say, there she goes, that choice thing. Yes, of course, it is all in making the best choices you can. Do you want to stay OP today? CHOOSE to.Make the best choice available, choose to believe that 'can't never did anything', so never think you can not, because you know you can.

Peace and Blessings,
EB

Keep Your Headlights clean

The quote for the day...

It’s like driving a car at night. You never see further than your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.~~E.L. Doctorow~~

This quote made me think of traveling with my son. Because of his particular personality, when we travel he has to know exactly where we are going, and how we are getting there, and any change of itinerary has to be handled very carefully, since order and consistency is how he deals with living in a world the doesn't understand. One of the life lessons that we work on with him is to be more open to flexibility. He is learning that sometimes the best laid plans don't always run true to the way you planned them, and detours are inevitable. Fortunately this lesson is reinforced daily as we live in a place where it seems they finish working on a stretch of highway only to go back and tear it up again.

Sometimes we are like my son. Any little detour in our plans can sideline us. Did we overindulge over a holiday, or at a tailgate party? Well, that does it, we are failures, and we throw in the towel. It can take months to get back on track. When the truth is that overindulging happens. Skinny people eat too much on certain occasions. it is not a character flaw, doesn't make us some kind of failure. Makes us human, and just like skinny people who compensate for overindulging by eating lighter for a day or two, we can get right back on track with the very next meal, the very next bite. Those of us with weight issues tend to be perfectionist, we tend to operate in an all or nothing mode. SO we are totally OP or we are just not going to try. Well, the truth is, if we are OP 75 to 80 percent of the time, we will in the long run, weigh less than we started out. I know this for a fact. In my weight loss journey I have had a gain fully 25 percent of the weeks I have weighed in. But those gains haven't kept me from moving towards my goals. So when it comes to weight loss, I think we need to realize, even though we can only see as far as the headlights are shining, we will make the whole trip that way, it will be fine, those headlights will lead us even though we don't know what is lurking past their range, we'll see soon enough. Taking it One day, one meal, one bite at a time!!

Peace and Blessings,
EstherBelle

If I had hammer

Today's quote...

The secret of getting ahead is getting started."
'Planning a new and better life is certainly important, but it is only the beginning. An entire room filled with blueprints will not build a house. At some point, we have to pick up a hammer.' ~~Sally Berger~~

So, have you picked up your hammer yet? Have you read your blue prints and gathered the materials you need to start your project? Your most important project is taking care of you, Learning to make the best choices you can for your well being. Most of us have done part of that by joining Weight Watchers. Do you read the material you receive at meetings, or check out the wealth of information available on this website? Do you incorporate the blueprint to the program in your daily planning? Do you use the tools available to you? Follow the healthy guidelines, drink your water, get some exercise, journal, use portion control? have you picked up your tools and started to build a brighter healthier future for yourself, which then trickles down to a healthier future for you family, friends, co-workers in that the time you invest in taking care of yourself helps you to be better wives, mothers, daughters, friends, etc. If you haven't picked up those tools yet, what are you waiting for? Are you waiting for that mythical thing called motivation? Don't wait for the motivation, start using those tools, building your future and the motivation will come. Motivation is such a fickle thing anyway, leaving you just when you think you need it most. I prefer discipline and intention to motivation any day.

By discipline I mean doing the things we know we need to do. I do not need motivation to brush my teeth every day. I just need the discipline to do it. I do it because it has to be done, and I have made it a part of my routine, a habit. Staying OP has become a discipline for me again. I do it because it has to be done, and I have made it a habit.

By intention I mean that I start each day with the intention of staying on plan. I intend to make the best choices I can make one day, one meal, one bite at a time. Now I often will miss hitting that nail on the head every time. Sometimes I have to pull a nail and straighten it before I put if back. Sometimes I hit the nail wrong, and I have to discard it and reach for a new nail before proceeding. I do this with no shame, no regret, no guilt. Part of building a house includes a badly hit nail occasionally, that is just the nature of the project. So, it doesn't change the way I see the project at all. One nail at a time the house will get built. One day, one meal, one bite at a time, we will get closer to our healthiest self. Have you picked up your hammer yet today?

Peace and Blessings,

EB

I Can Do It

So, since most of my life is out of my control these days, and I am struggling in a lot of areas, I am trying to reclaim at least one thing that helps me feel in control. The truth is, that no matter what is happening, no matter that I can't climb out of my financial messes, no matter that I feel out of control there is one and only one area of life where I can exhibit total control and that is when, what, and how much I choose to eat. For some of us with weight issues that is a very liberating thought. It is for me anyway. I can't make the money I desperately need magically appear. I can't control many of the stressors in my life, but I can control how I react, and how I choose to eat, and that honestly helps me move towards a sense of control in other areas. Often when life is careening out of control, getting control over something helps.

So, I will probably be writing about weight loss issues more often than anything else for a while. Hey, at least I am attempting to write again...


We were all given the same amount of spirit. None more, none less. The difference between individuals is allowing the Spirit to have more of you.~~Bear Heart~~

Whenever you read a success story on a website, or in a magazine, the person who has reached their goal will usually say something like "If I can do it, anyone can do it." I know that when some of us read that they sometimes think that doesn't include them, but the truth is that not one of those people sharing their success story has more spirit, or drive, or motivation, or discipline than the rest of us. So, if I can do it you can do it, is actually true. BUT, first we have to give ourselves over to learning the truth about who we are, and discovering that we are a person of worth, and learning that we CAN do anything we set our minds to do. Yes, sometimes our challenges might be more than someone else, sometimes the obstacles in our way can be daunting. But inside each of us is that place where the truth has been replaced by untruths over the years, and we need to capture each one of those untruths and replace it with the truth .Takes work on our part sometimes, but every time we think a negative thought that we aren't worthy of the best in life we need to stop, ask ourselves if that is true, tell ourselves that it isn't true and replace it with a true thought.

Every time we hear in our head that we aren't smart enough, or good enough, or pretty enough, we need to say stop, that is not true, the truth is I am smart enough, I am good enough, I am beautiful. I am a person of great worth, and I deserve to treat myself well. It is a choice we can make, and when we believe that we deserve to treat ourselves well, we will make the best choices we can to become healthier in our mind, body, and spirit. When we become used to making the choices that make us the best we can be, then it will become easier to work towards our healthy bodies, because we are worth it!! Treat yourself well today, no one deserves it more.

Peace and Blessings,
EB



 

Mindful Eating

One of the very nicest things about life is the way we must regularly stop whatever it is we are doing and devote our attention to eating.~~Luciano Pavarotti~~

One of the reasons I have finally learned to keep my weight off is that after all these years I finally figured out something that you have heard me say before. It is never about not eating, it is about learning to eat well. I used to think, like most of us probably, that in order to lose weight I had to go on a diet and restrict myself, and deprive myself. Well, I could manage to do that for a while, but that is not something I could do forever. When I started WW this last time, over 5 years ago, I really paid attention, and figured out that I would have to learn to think about food differently.

So I started applying some of the principles I use in my spiritual journey to my relationship with food. One of the things that is important to me is being present, living in this moment. So I have tried to practice mindful eating. Mindful eating is for me to pay attention to what I am eating. To stop simply grabbing something. I don't think I am the only one who has gone to the kitchen and grabbed a handful of something without thinking, only to realize later that I ate the whole bag of Nutter Butters, or quart of Ben and Jerry's, or half a loaf cinnamon toast. So, I have learned to pay attention to what I am eating. To give my full attention to that moment. Why am I eating? Am I eating because I am hungry, or am I just bored, lonely, stressed, depressed. Am I using food for what it is intended for, or an I using food for something it was never meant to be. I can help myself do this by being faithful to journal. I journal before I eat something. I fix whatever I am going to eat, then I write it down, then I eat it. When I am faithful to this, it is so much easier to stay OP. When I give my attention to what I am eating, I eat better. Instead of just grabbing a handful of something, I prepare a snack, I make it something to delight my palate, I use the good china ever day, and I sit down at the table or in my sacred space, and give my attention to what I am eating. When I eat mindfully, I remember that the act of eating is part of this day, a day that will never come again, a day that I choose to live in every moment. Then eating becomes my focus for the moment, a choice not a habit, and I have given food it's proper place in my life.

In my spiritual life I attempt to be mindful of the presence of Creator in every moment. There is a traditional spiritual exercise called practicing the presence of God. This means recognizing that God is here now moving through our everyday activities, no matter how trivial they might seem. So that I am grateful for every moment, appreciating whatever activity I am present in. By learning to be present in the act of eating, and to appreciate the act of feeding my body, my mind, my spirit with what I have chosen to eat, I instinctively make better choices.And that is what it all boils down to, making the best choice we can for that moment. So, for today, I choose to do what Pavarotti suggests, give my attention to what I am eating, and if I am paying attention I will make better choices. Better choices is what I deserve, because I deserve the best. We all do.

Peace and Blessings,
EstherBelle

Women and Obesity and a New Year

My dear friend Colin posted a photo on facebook this morning that he considered disturbing in its implications and got my mind going...



When I was growing up it was unusual for someone to be as overweight as me. I was an anomaly. As American society moved towards the obesity epidemic we had to go through the late sixties and early seventies, where thinness became the societal norm for beauty. Caucasian thinness, stick thin anorexic models such as Twiggy came to represent the ideal for beauty in our culture. We moved away from normal women, Marilyn Monroe, Rita Hayworth, Mamie Van Doren, women with curves, and in doing so we spawned eating disorders in our young women. In the middle part of the century only women of wealth could achieve the desired beauty, and they did so at the expense of their health. Anorexia became a disease for the masses instead of just for the F.Scott Fitzgerald neighborhood. As we moved through the late part of the century we were becoming obese because of changes in the agrarian nature of our society, HFCS and unhealthy convenience foods became more prevalent. Every one started eating like poor people, who had often been overweight because fresh fruit and vegetables were unavailable to urban poor. Cheap carbohydrates, hormone laced meat products, these became more widely available.  The culture started getting fat. A whole generation of women became what I had been all my life, obese. But they became obese in a culture that adored thinness, they hate themselves. So now we add self esteem issues to the obvious health issues of heart disease, diabetes, etc. We have a generation that is getting fatter while hating themselves for it.Such a difficult road to travel, our bodies resist starvation. But, hating our bodies while not able to attain the so called beauty standard brought a generation of women for whom Prozac and Zoloft became the norm, widely available to the masses, where before we had upper and upper middle class women abusing valium. Self esteem issues that helped turn normal women into morbidly obese women while they used the most widely available mood altering drug-food- to try to feel better about themselves. Vicious circle created.

So, now we have a diet industry, and a generation of women who hate themselves so much that they can not grasp the theory that they need to take care of themselves, physically, emotionally, spiritually, before they can take care of others. Generations of women grasping at every fad diet that comes by, when the truth is it is never about 'dieting', it is about learning to eat well, giving food its proper place in our lives.  Food became lover, friend, mother, father, giving us pleasure that should have been derived elsewhere. We learned to hate ourselves. Learned to not value our contributions because we looked different than the standards of beauty. White, upper middle class standards applied to the rest of us. Standards that we never should have aspired to reach. As the words of the song from the musical Oklahoma, 'round and pink and pretty', should have been what we strived for. Women are meant to be full bodied, for work, and childbirth, for the survival of the species. The estrogen that makes us feminine is created and stored in our fat cells. The cultural norm of thinness makes us less feminine, and as we strive for liberation as feminists we enslave our bodies in reaching for a mythical standard of beauty.So how do we stop the vicious circle? How do we keep from enslaving the next generation in the endless cycle of hating our bodies? I think we start by learning to love our selves right here, right now, and what better time than the beginning of a New Year!

Let this New Year be the beginning of a new life in each of us wherein"old things are passed away." Let all blessed old things stay, but let the clutter of our heads and hearts be removed, that new inspirations and new affections may come in to gladden our lives.~~Chester Burg Emerson~~

It's the New Year.Here we are. The entire culture is health obsessed for the next few weeks. All of the grocery store have 'healthy' foods on sale, the TV is plastered with ads for this and that crazy weight loss product. Everyone is motivated. As the weeks go by, and the quick fixes are just too hard to keep up, or the same old issues keep rearing their ugly heads, that motivation will slip away, and it will be back to business as usual. Except for those of us fortunate enough to have figured out that it is not about a quick fix, or the newest fad diet. It is never about not eating. It is about making the best choices we can make at any given moment, learning to find the old issues and deal with them, so that we can kick them to the curb and get on with the business of learning that we are indeed beautiful, wonderful, intelligent, articulate, deserving, worthy individuals.

We are deserving of the best that life has to offer. So in order to achieve that we will let those old negative thoughts and untruths hat clutter up our minds be the "old things that are passed away." They aren't worth keeping around, they are ugly non productive lies that were told to us by others our ourselves so often that we began to believe them and live them. Just as a child will live up to expectations or down to expectations, so will we. So we must get rid of that junk cluttering up our minds, and replace the old things with blessed new things. The TRUTH of who we are and what we can accomplish when we realize that it is our choice to accomplish it. New inspirations, new affections, affection for ourselves. Loving ourselves enough to know that when we take care of ourselves we take care of the others in our lives better. Loving ourselves enough to only let true things hang out in our memory, and to make the best choices we can in any circumstance. To know that the choice we make may not always be the best, and to forgive ourselves for those times and to make the best choice in the very next moment. So bring on the New Year, we are ready to meet it, ready to do the work we have to do to make it the best year ever. Choosing to let our choices be the things that gladden our hearts.

Halloween,oh my!!

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It was a beautiful sunrise here in the heartland. Because Daylight Savings time lasts longer this year I get an extra week of sunrise meditations. With the clock going back on Sunday, I may not get up early enough for sunrise for a while. I can't remember a Halloween with such nice weather. Usually it is cold and wet, a few years ago we got a huge snowstorm, still referred to as the October Surprise by weather forecasters around here. The trick or treaters will actually get to show off their costumes rather than hide them under winter coats this year. Halloween chills and thrills are fun for some, but for others it is simply the harbinger of a time of year fraught with difficulty. The holiday season draws nigh!!!! It is amazing isn't it how many emotions get stirred up in us as the holiday season draws near. There are those of us who had less than functional families growing up, and this time of year always seems to be a time when family dynamics can be trying at best, and downright dangerous in some instances. I remember the first Christmas stocking I ever had. I was a freshman in college, and in conversations with a new friend, it came out that we didn't have pleasant holidays in my family. I loved hearing the stories told by my friend Lizzie of the traditions of her family. Christmas stockings were important to her family, so much so that her stocking was being sent to her to hang in her dorm room before she took it home with her for Christmas. When the package came, there were two stockings. The one she had treasured all of her life, and a brand new one for me. As alien as the concept of loving family was to me, the concept of a non loving family was even more alien to her, and she had asked her family to make me a stocking. I visited her home several times over four years of college. Stopped off at her parents house a few times in my travels as an adult. I will always remember that they taught me about Christmas. So when I became a mother, I purposed in my heart to create traditions for my son. There was just the two of us for the first 12 years of his life, and we created wonderful traditions. Then I met my husband, and we  adapted some of our traditions into family traditions. We have pizza on Christmas Eve because I was too tired from working at the store to cook, so my son is in charge of Christmas Eve. He cooks the pizza and serves us. While I am at work he bakes 2 batches of cookies. One batch is a recipe he has baked every year since middle school, and then he combs the holiday magazines for a new recipe to try. Christmas morning my son opens presents, there usually aren't any for the 'grownups' we spend the money on my son. I fix biscuits and gravy for breakfast, and we go to the movies in the afternoon.We come home and have our dinner, ham and wild rice dressing. I am not sure how that came to be our tradition, but it has been since my son was small. Traditions can be created where there were none. Traditions can be changed when the original traditions no longer fit, traditions can be thrown out the window when they simply aren't good for us to continue them. We can choose to make healthier traditions. Do we usually cook too many things that are tempting? Try new recipes. Yes, stick to those one or tow things that you have to have, but honestly, we all cook things that no one will miss. Think about what goes into the fridge as leftovers. Maybe that's a dish that can be changed. Not only can we change the things we cook, but if there are issues that come up for us in this emotional time of year, we can change how we think about them. If there are expectations from others that aren't in our best interest, we can choose to not feel like we are letting someone down. Our well being is our concern, and we are not dishonoring anyone, or disrespecting anyone when we choose to honor our needs and respect our choices. Choose to take care of you! YOU are then better able to take care of the ones you love. Do something spectacular for yourself today, choose to not let the candy dishes take control. Choose to be in control of what you eat. Peace and Blessings, EstherBelle

Weight Loss Scares the Heck out of some!

Today's quote…
Fear is the mindkiller~~Bene Gesserit mantra in Dune~~

A dear friend once asked me a question about fear. She very courageously admitted to having fears. Fear of losing weight, fear of exercise. Among others I am sure. Then she asked me if I had these types of fears on my weight loss journey. I think a prayer book is an awesome idea, I am a big proponent of journaling, and listing the fears that she would like her Higher Power to help her shed is what I call prayer journaling. So, this morning I was thinking about her questions as part of my meditations. Here are some of my thoughts. I do not mean to cause pain for anyone; if something I write hits close to home and causes you hurt I am truly sorry.

We are all different, and I personally believe that some of our thinking about size is based on when we became overweight. I weighed 5 pounds the day I was born. At my 3 week check-up the baby book indicates that I weighed 15 pounds. I have always thought it must be different to have always had weight issues versus those that acquired this weight later in life. In many cases I would think we are overweight for different reasons.

If you are someone who started gaining weight after a trauma such as abuse, then you are perhaps using the weight to your advantage. The weight becomes a place of safety in your sub conscious. Your thinking may have become that as long as you have this padding, or insulation between you and the outside world, no one can get close enough to hurt you again. So perhaps out of a fear of intimacy you have learned to see the weight as a fortress that you have built between you and the outside world. The thing about fortresses is that they protect us, but they also can imprison us.

Perhaps you use the weight as a reason to not step out and go for your dreams. After all, you are fat, who would hire you, listen to you, appreciate you. Or maybe you hang on to the weight because it gives you a way to put off dealing with some very scary issues. You will buy new clothes when you lose the weight, you will try new things, when you lose the weight. So the weight becomes the thing that is standing between you and happiness. When the truth of the matter is losing weight can’t make you happy, and deep down you know that, so you hang on to the weight. All of these things are fear based responses. Fear has warped our senses, our thinking, and our knowledge of who we are and what is true about us.

How much of our life do we lose when we let fear take away from us? How many opportunities, how many friendships, have never had the chance to come to fruition because fear of what someone might think, or fear of what might happen has kept us from being the women we are meant to be? FEAR is the mindkiller. It will cause us to think and believe the wrong things. Now there are 2 basic types of fear. There is the fear response that helps us in dangerous situations. This fear is a good thing. It raises our heart rate, gives us strength. This is the fear that helps a 100 pound grandma pull her grandbaby out of a burning house. I am not talking about that fear. I am talking about the fear that keeps us from applying for a better job, or going to a party, or going to the doctor because we are afraid of what people are going to think of us, or we are afraid that we are not good enough, or we are afraid it is going to hurt. This fear messes up our thinking, it is the mindkiller. This is the fear that causes us to not join weight watchers because I've tried to lose weight before, and it never works. This is the fear that causes us to dress like old ugly women, because I am fat and don't deserve pretty clothes. This is the fear that keeps us from going out to dinner or to the doctor because the tests are going to hurt. WE DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS TYPE OF THINKING!!!!

The truth is when we go out in public, most of the time nobody cares what we look like, especially when it is evident that we don't care. The truth is the doctor has seen fatter women. The truth is that NO ONE ever died from a mammogram or from seeing a therapist to do the work necessary to heal from the hurts we are hiding from. These things hurt once in a while, yes, but just for a moment, and the fear of a moment’s pain can cause us years of pain. How much sense does that make? Fear can not and should not win. Losing weight can’t make me smarter, richer, or happier. Losing weight can only make me healthier, and if I choose to learn to heal the hurts and to live in the moment as I lose weight, then and only then will losing weight make me anything but a smaller size. . We must learn to be strong, and learn that we can look fear in the eye and say "You can not win" You can not rob me of my life, my health, and my opportunities. I CHOOSE to proceed in the face of fear.

Just a Big Ol' Girl

When I was growing up it wasn't a given that little girls would go to college and become anything they wanted to be.My father, in fact, forbid me to go to college. But, I couldn't remember a time when I didn't know that learning was my way out of a bad place.So, I schemed, and I worked out a way to get to college. See, my father was from a time when girls got married and had babies, he couldn't IMAGINE a world where girls didn't have a baby until they were in their 30's, or didn't get married until they were almost 50. But, I could.Other people's imaginations have nothing to do with your reality!


Sometimes I am my own worst enemy, we all can probably lay claim to that. I look at my circumstances, and I get frightened. I fail to see what others see in me, and so I occasionally need reminders that my reality is mine, and that even though things are hard right now, they won't always be this hard.


One of my issues is weight. Now I am just a 'big ol' girl'- as one of my four year old friends once described me. It's OK to be a 'big ol' girl' as long as you are working on being healthy. I am never going to be my cute little sister (oy, I can feel the email coming!) for one thing I am nearly a foot taller than her. For another, I have always been overweight, always. It is as much a part of me as my size 12 feet, my eyes that change color, and my blue fingernails-oh wait the fingernails is another story!


I do not have a major problem with my size, which I think you might have figured out from the title of my blog. I eat well, I exercise as much as I can, and I try to take care of myself. YES, I have some serious health issues, but not ONE of them was caused by my weight struggles.

I was thin one day in my life. It was June 28, 19mumble-mumble.The day I was born I weighed 5 lbs. 2 ozs, and was 23 inches long. A tall, s-k-i-n-n-y baby girl. My baby book lists my weight at my 3 week check-up as 15 lbs. APPARENTLY I got born and discovered that there are truly calories in the air just waiting for me to breath them in.

I have always been the Giant economy size in a trial sized world. Not an easy task as a child, but I got better at it as time goes by. I had to suffer through the well meaning mistakes of parents, friends, even doctors before I was able to decide things on my own. I remember being put on a diet at 6 years old. The doctor prescribed diet pills, which back in the 50's were as we all know,pure speed, methamphetamine. They didn't work, I stayed larger than the average child, but was very likely helped towards my abuse of drugs and alcohol a few years later.

Back in the 50's kids like me were an anomaly. I really was THE fat girl in my elementary school days. I was a giant compared to all of the other little girls, and there were some Moms in the neighborhood who would not allow their children to play with me. I was this freak of nature, and they were afraid that their kids would get hurt. I have forgiven them. My dad decided that vigorous exercise was not good for me, he was truly afraid that I might have a heart attack or something. Amazing the things that we didn't know then. My dad was honestly trying to protect me.

We have learned so much about nutrition and healthy eating since then. I remember seeing a Cook book from the late 1950's. In it was a chapter on dieting. It said you must never let the dieter feel full or satisfied. Honest, that is what it said. Apparently those of us with the genetic make-up to gain weight easier must be punished. Thankfully we have come far since then. Now we know that it is never about NOT eating, it is about learning to eat well, to come into a healthy relationship with food, and exercise to keep our bodies as healthy as we can.

So yesterday I went to my Weight Watchers  meeting. Now I am a long time Weight Watchers member, have lost over 150 pounds with the WW program and recommend it highly.You should feel free to look into it if you wish. I participated in the Weight Watchers 5K on Sunday, and posted here about that. So yesterday at our meeting, exercise was the topic.Actually the excuses we all use to not exercise was the topic. Towards the end of the meeting, my leader, the amazing Jenny, asked me to speak about my health challenges and why I thought participating was so important to me. Now, I am NEVER shy about speaking in public. [if you need a  motivational speaker, let me know!!] so I shared a bit. 

As the meeting ended and I  made my way to my car, several members stopped me and thanked me. They told me I was an inspiration. "Thank you," I said, "but I am just a fat lady with a walker." It is humbling to be told that your struggles inspire someone else.I have had a chance to think about what they said to me, and isn't that what a storyteller does? So, thank you, if I can inspire you to think about getting healthier along with me I am grateful.If I can help you realize that your reality is not limited by anyone else's opinion, or anyone's imagination but your own, then I am truly thankful. Life is one choice after another, and if sharing some of my choices, the good, the bad, the ugly, inspires someone else to think about the choices they are making, then I have the inspiration I need to continue sharing. I hope I can help you imagine a world where you are all you want to be.

This is me and my WW leader, the amazing Jenny at last year's WW5K walk. She truly inspires me, and I thank her for that often!!

Peace and Blessings,

The Fat Lady!

But, you don't understand....

Back when I used to travel around giving motivational talks to women's groups (something I would love to do again!) I would talk about how you can overcome any obstacle and work towards your goals. Now a lot of times I would be talking to weight loss groups. See, I have weighed as much as 490 pounds in my life, and recently only weighed 251 pounds. So, I know a lot about weight loss. I have lost over 150 pounds 9 times in the last 25 years. Oh yes, I am the QUEEN of weight loss, I have just never quite mastered how to keep it off until recently. I am a work in progress.

But I digress...
I would talk about overcoming and dreaming and working towards your goals, and then I usually was able to take questions. INVARIABLY the first person whose hand went up started off by saying "But you don't understand how hard my life is. I can't...[fill in the blank with positive action] because...[fill in the blank with life complication]..."
My answer to those kinds of issues was usually something along the lines of "Find us a blackboard and we will write your problems on one side and my problems on the other side and I guarantee my list is longer." Now that was not said to make the person feel bad for me, it was said to make the person stop and think. Because my next question would be "What one step can you take even though your life is complicated?" Because there just aren't enough complications in life to keep you from taking a step. It doesn't matter what size step you are able to take, it only matters that you can take a step.As I have often said, every step you take, large or small,any direction, is a step AWAY from where  you used to be.Even if a step takes you backwards, it is away from where you are. Sometimes we need to go back to find our way.

So, are you telling me that I don't have to tackle my problems all at once? I just have to take one step? Yes, that is what I am telling you.One step is all you have to take. The problem that a lot of us have is that we are perfectionists. Do you know someone who procrastinates? they are probably a perfectionist. Perfectionists often have an all or nothing mentality, if they can't do it all perfectly they would rather not do anything. A lot of women with weight issues-men too, I suppose, but I've never been a man so I can't speak to that-a lot of women with weight issues fall into that perfectionist category. We see it over and over.

We set a day in the near future-next Monday-when we are going to start our new diet. We will be making all the right choices, and we will not give into temptation one time.Then, we get excited, and we make plans for how we are going to never go back to our old ways. Then Monday comes-it's a law that diets start on Monday, right?- and we manage to get through a day or two, maybe even a week or two, but inevitably we break one of our RULES and we feel defeated. So then, with our all or nothing thinking we give up. Then we beat ourselves up emotionally and spiritually, because we aren't able to stick to some arbitrary plan. We are failures.

Except we're not. We aren't failures, we have just failed to plan for success.We have in our heads all of these wrong thinking ideas. We think that we are second class citizens, not deserving of the very best in life because our weight doesn't match the numbers on some chart, or we don't wear the same size dress as some photoshopped air brushed model. We think that if we did reach that mythical weight, or size, everything in our lives would magically change. Our hard life will become easy. When the truth is we will just have starved our body into submission for a bit. We find that life is still hard, and that means we didn't do it perfectly, so we stop doing it at all, and we gain the weight back.

What we really need to learn is that we are not the enemy, food is not the enemy. The wrong ideas that we latch onto are the enemy. So, we must come to that place where we choose to let go of the thinking that keeps us prisoners to the all or nothing thinking. We can learn that we have choices, and that we can use those choices to take the steps necessary to come into a more balanced, loving view of ourselves. We have the choice to take that one step, even though our life is complicated.

When we choose to believe that we are worthy, and we choose to take a step, we have truly started a journey to wellness and wholeness. A place where we can come into a healthy relationship with food, a healthy relationship with our bodies, and with ourselves.A place where we know that even if we stumble along the way, we can choose to take that step again.We can do it, it isn't easy, but we can find our path to wellness. One choice, one step at a time.