I Don't Eat Kale...

..I know you're shocked, right? Seeing as how I am a vegetarian and I've lost 265 pounds and everything and it's supposed to be some magic food and all. But, I don't like it, so I don't eat it. Besides, it's not anymore more magic than any other food. NOW, toss some collards, mustard, or turnip greens in a pot and see me line up for seconds. When the Swiss Chard is in season ask me for my favorite recipe. But, I like those equally healthy greens so I eat them.I don't eat celery either. It's nasty. I don't make slimy things out of chia seeds, and I don't 'detox' my body with a juice fast. I know people who do,and whatever works for them is fine with me, but stop telling other people that this is what they HAVE to do.

Here's something else...I don't drink much water. A little when I take my medication.  I certainly don't drink half my weight in ounces every day, and I still manage to remain well hydrated and healthy.Of course I do drink a pot of coffee, and half gallon of tea and I eat lots of water rich fruits and veggies.

While I'm at it, let me address some other things I have seen people say recently...

Don't eat carbs after 2 p.m. your body immediately stores them as fat. UM, no, that isn't even how your body works. Your body doesn't really care whether you ate at 2 or midnight. Oh, yeah, I eat at midnight. Often I eat cinnamon toast as a bedtime snack. The only peer reviewed scientific study about eating carbs at night showed that the men they studied lost more weight while eating most of their calories and carbs at night.

Avoid all white food. OK, we know how I feel about food. Food is NOT the enemy. No matter what color it is.

Eat this, don't eat that, only eat at certain times. Oh, and take this magic pill, or that magic potion.

So, here is my advice...

Relax, learn to eat well. Give food it's proper place in your life-food is fuel and nutrition, but it is also meant to be enjoyed. Remember, the only thing in your life you are in total control of is what, when and how much you choose to eat.

Oh, and don't eat what you don't like no matter how good it is supposed to be for you.

Oh and when I weighed in this week this happened...
GOOOAAALLLLLLL!!

 

It's just a word...

...or so I thought.

So, Monday morning is my weigh in day. Hey, all dieting efforts start on Monday's--it's a law, right?

This morning, I lost 1.25 pounds--and that is my 53rd weekly weigh in in a row with a loss. I have no idea who this body belongs too, but she ain't getting it back! Actually, I've kind of figured out that being post menopausal has been good for my weigh loss efforts. I no longer have hormonal gains every 3 or 4 weeks, and it really is nice to think that being an old crone has benefits!

So, anyway, here i am working hard to deal with my weight, and it is working! I am glad something in my life is working, it might s well be my weight loss efforts.

Now, I have been overweight since I was a few days old. My stature has always been that of one of those few who are genetically programmed to gain weight easily and hold onto it. Truthfully, we are the reason the species survived the cave man days. In paleolithic times we seem to have been venerated--and there are wonderful little statues that look just like me.

So imagine my surprise, when I got excited over my weight--and more specifically my BMI-this morning. Now I really don't put much stock in the BMI as a rule of thumb for what we should weight. AND, my goal weigh is well outside of the BMI parameters. But, there are lots of different ways to measure what a healthy weight is, so why did I look at a BMI chart this week?

Well, on one of the forums I take part in a woman was asking about her BMI-so I looked at the charts so I could make sure I was giving accurate information. Casually, while checking her BMI, I input my height and weight, and I'll be darned it caught my attention. If I lost a half a pound this week I would move from OBESE to OVERWEIGHT.

Now, when I saw that, it made me think, really this is why I don't care much for charts. A half a pound would make a difference in whether I was OBESE or OVERWEIGHT--seriously? Who came up with this stupid plan? My doctor and I have set a goal weight for me, and I am 4.5 pounds away from it. We think it makes a lot of sense, considering my history, my health, and other factors-such as my waist to height ratio, etc. But, if I went to another doctor, last week he or she would have described me as OBESE, this week as OVERWEIGHT, based on some arbitrary number on a scale and some arbitrary chart.

Now, I truly believe a scale is just a tool that we use in measuring our journey. We are not the numbers on a scale, and should not measure our worth based on those numbers, since a scale is a mechanical device that can be wrong.Fortunately,my success is not based on the numbers on a scale. I will not be successful at dealing with my weight issues just because I reach some 'mythical' goal weight. I will be a success at this issue of dealing with my wieght when I have learned to be faithful to making the healthiest choices I can make every day.I will be successful at this weight thing when I have learned to UNLEARN the things that cause me to use food in unhealthy inappropriate ways. I will never be successful if I think this journey is about NOT eating when in fact learning to eat well, faithfully, day after day, is the goal I should be pursuing.I truly believe this.

BUT, I will admit that when i weighed in this morning and saw that number, knowing that it changed one word in my life touched some part of me i didn't know was there. SO, it just goes to show that you are never to old to learn something about yourself!!

That, and  whether I am OBESE or merely OVERWEIGHT...
 I am still a goddess!

Woman of Willendorf



 

Food Is Not the Enemy

So, after I posted about my weight loss this year, I got several messages from people asking me how I am doing this. I make no secret of the fact that I use Weight Watchers. I use the program as a tool to help me be mindful of my eating.

I participate on the Weight Watchers message boards,and some groups on facebook to help me stay mindful. The thing I notice, on all of those social media is that there is just so much bad information and bad advice being handed out. Way too many people trying to sell some drink or nostrum 'guaranteed' to make it so you can eat whatever you want and lose weight. Way too many dangerous toxic 'all-natural' miracle pills and promises.

Honest, if these things were the answer, we'd all be normal weight. Unfortunately, they are at the very least ineffective, and often very dangerous.Americans spend $40 billion a year on weight-loss programs and products.Those of us with weight issues get lied to A LOT! Our health is all too often compromised because we want so very much to not be overweight. Eat this, drink this, don't eat that, take this miracle pill. I saw someone tell someone this morning to never eat more than 500 calories a day. Seriously.

I personally have been overweight all of my life.I was given my first 'diet pills' back in the 1950's when I was six years old and the diet pills were speed-we'll talk about my issues with drug abuse in my teens and twenties later, I think I know where they started though. According to the charts, even at the goal my doctor set for me, I will still be overweight--but since I weigh less now than I did when I was 9 years old, I'm OK with that. I have a great doctor, she uses some common sense instead of a generic chart. She also uses things like waist to hip ratio and my favorite waist to height ratio! That one is my favorite because I have an hour glass figure with a small waist for someone my weight. In fact, my doctor says the only woman with a better waist to height ratio than me is Barbie and we all know she is plastic.

So for those who asked, here are some things I have learned over the years...

>FOOD is not the enemy. Food has many places in our lives. Food is first and foremost fuel and nutrition. But it is also, sacred, communal, social, and my favorite-just downright sensual.

>It is never about NOT eating, it is about learning to eat well. For me that means eat real food. As much as possible stay away from artificial sweeteners, low fat, fat free,sugar free, processed,diet food. Just eat real food, prepared well. I tend to follow some guidelines, I like to eat seasonal when it comes to fruits and vegetables, try to buy local and organic. I like Babara Kingsolver's book Animal, Vegetable, Miracle for reminding myself why I choose these options.

>Eat mindfully. I have tried to practice mindful eating. Mindful eating is for me to pay attention to what I am eating. To stop simply grabbing something. I don't think I am the only one who has gone to the kitchen and grabbed a handful of something without thinking, only to realize later that I ate the whole bag of Nutter Butters, or quart of Ben and Jerry's, or half a loaf cinnamon toast. So, I have learned to pay attention to what I am eating. To give my full attention to that moment. Why am I eating? Am I eating because I am hungry, or am I just bored, lonely, stressed, depressed. Am I using food for what it is intended for, or an I using food for something it was never meant to be. This is where tracking or journaling comes in. If I am faithful to my tracking/journaling, then I am being mindful.

>I no longer diet. I gave that up several years ago. I had over the years starved myself, deprived myself, and dieted to close to 500 pounds. I had to step back and see that none of that worked. I had to stop using food for the wrong reasons, and embrace foods place in my life.Food is not my friend, my lover, my therapist, or my anti-depressant. Food is food. I will never again do anything to lose weight that i am not prepared to do every day for the rest of my life. If someone or some program tells you to starve yourself, deprive yourself, only eat certain foods, or take some magic pill or nostrum, stop listening to them.

There are no magic pills. There is only learning to come into a healthy relationship with food.

Here we are in the middle of a holiday season. Relax, enjoy in moderation, make choices. THAT is what skinny people do. If you overindulge, forgive yourself, eat lighter the next day and move forward. Skinny people all over the country will overindulge during the holidays.The difference between them and those of us who have weight issues? They don't see enjoying food as a character flaw. They don't beat themselves up because they had Grandma's famous pie, or my very famous peanut butter fudge. They know that there are times that food is to be shared, times that food is meant to delight the senses.

 Eat well. Eat real food that tastes good. Be mindful of every bite as it fuels your body, connects you with loved ones, brings good memories, and delights the senses. Food is many things, but food is NOT the Enemy.

Peace and Blessings,
EB

Begin Right Here

The quote for today is... The journey begins right here. In the middle of the road. Right beneath your feet. This is the place. There is no other place. There is no other time.~~David Whyte~~ We are who we are, where we are, and our journey can only begin right there. We can not put off living life until we attain whatever circumstances we think is ideal for the beginning of the journey. Every step we take is a step away from where we used to be, so as much as we may think that we can put off living life to the fullest until we are _______(fill in the blank, thin enough, rich enough,old enough, etc.)The only thing we manage to put off is the wonderful opportunities that await us as we head off on our journey. I have a friend who has lost 100 pounds, and still has a couple of hundred to lose. She said the other day that one of her goals is to be able to wear a dress. She thinks that she has to be a 'certain' size to wear a dress, so for the last 20 plus years she has made excuses to not go to events where she would have felt out of place in her jeans and oversized shirts. When I hear her say things like that, I weep. She has spent so much time missing out on wonderful events because she thinks she is not worthy of dressing a certain way.The journey begins right where we are, there is no other place we can be, so we can not let our fears, founded or unfounded keep us waiting until we get over there before we allow ourselves to live life to the fullest. Because the truth is we can not get over there unless we step out from where we are. So, whatever it is that you have been putting off until you lose weight, do it now. We are not the numbers on the scale, we are not the size on a tag in our clothing. We are wonderfully deserving beautiful women who deserve to experience the very best in life.In order to experience the very best in life we have to live.Now. In this place, in this time. Peace and Blessings, EstherBelle

A Look at What's Going Right

Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.~~Marianne Williamson~~

I think we have to be aware of how very blessed we are. When the going gets rough it is so easy to think that things have always been hard and they won't ever not be. But, the truth is no matter how hard life is, life is good, and we need to remember to find the joy. When I used to speak to groups I can always tell which ones are thinking "But you don't know how hard my life is" I tell them "Ah, but I do.If we list your problems on one side of the blackboard and mine on the other, I guarantee I win, my list will be longer." But, my list of blessings is longer still, and I am trying make it a point to not let the troubles keep me from remembering that.

So, what is going right in my life? Well, I have been losing weight this year. Now that may not sound like a really big deal to some, but for me it is part of a lifelong struggle with weight. I was thin one day, in my life. It was a day in June way too many decades ago. i weighed 5 pounds even the day I was born, and at 23 inches long that made me a very skinny baby. Trouble was by my 3 week checkup-according to my baby book- I weighed 15 pounds.By the time I was 11 I weighed 300 pounds. So, this struggle to maintain a reasonable weight started early for me.

Now, over the years I have lost weight many times, many, many times. I then of course gained it all back and more. So, much to my surprise when I finally decided to try Weight Watchers some years ago, I managed to stop gaining all the weigh back after I lost it.

Nw that is not to say my journey on Weight Watchers has been a straight line. It has indeed had it's ups and downs. I have managed however to maintain a large weight loss.

I have taken a couple of major detours--my husband was killed by a drunk driver and I went on the Double Stuff Oreo diet for months, regained about half the weight I had lost.  Got back on track and lost it again, then I broke my leg, my son got sick, I lost my job and my home, and I spent last fall struggling with depression and regained some weight.

So, in January I got back on track.

I am struggling mightily these days with money problems, and it would be so easy to comfort myself with food. BUT, in times when everything is going wrong and out of control I have finally learned that the only thing I can control is what, when, and how much I CHOOSE to eat. And that surprisingly has been very liberating for me in my struggles with my weight.

So, this morning when I weighed in I lost another pound, and I am trying hard to find something to be happy about so this is it. I am ONE pound away from my lowest weight ever in the last 30 years.

So, I am indulging myself by looking at pictures to see if I can see a difference. Wanna see?

When I got married i weighed about 450 pounds....

My highest weight was about 490 a year or so later. Then I had some health issues-not weight related-and needed to lose some weight so I joined Weight Watchers and over the next few years lost 200+ pounds.

This is what I looked like when my husband was killed, I weighed about 300 pounds...

Then I went on that Double Stuff Oreo diet and gained 60-70 pounds, back to about 368 pounds...

That lasted for a while, and I got myself back on track again and lost those pounds and a few more, I got down to about 260 pounds...

I maintained that for a while, and then went through the health issues with my son, breaking my leg,losing my job, losing my house and last falls severe depression. Of course I gained some weight back, not all of it, but I got back up to 348 pounds (the good thing is I have managed to not gain back to where I was during any of these detours...

So in January I got back on track, and this is where I am now...252 pounds, one pound away from my lowest ever weight of 251...

So, I have lots of blessings I can think on...

I have good friends (some of whom you can see in the pictures), I have an amazing kid, and I am in control of what, when, and how much I choose to eat. I hope, no I PLAN to lose about 25-30 more pounds and work on maintaining that through thick and thin (in a manner of speaking) and whatever troubles come our way.

BUT,
Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.~~Marianne Williamson

 And today I choose to recognize the things that are going right!!

Peace and Blessings,
EB

p.s. I do have generous wonderful friends,and I am getting closer and closer to having the money to fix the car issues, if you feel led to share the paypal button is on the right.
















 

Finish Each Day

I have a bad attitude today. That is really unlike me, life is hard, but even though I struggle with depression, that is different than just being in a bad mood. So,needing an attitude adjustment I went looking through the files of things I have written, ands this one from 6 years ago spoke to me today.

So, here it is, letting go of yesterday and concentrarting on today--in other words remembering to live in the moment!!

Today's quote....
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as
soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely
and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.~~ Ralph Waldo Emerson~~

Well, sure seems like that was written just for those of us with weight issues learning to stick with a program. Finish each day and be done with it. Do not let the choices you made yesterday keep you from making the best choices you can today. Having weight issues is not a character flaw. We are not bad people, second class citizens because we sometimes slip up and make wrong choices when it comes to eating. So, if yesterday you slipped into some old habits, it has nothing to do with today. What we are pushing towards is progress, not perfection. All too many of us are perfectionists, all or nothing types, who if we slip off the program for a bit, throw our hands in the air and compound the mistake. We conclude that if we can't be perfect we just might as well not try. One of the most important lessons we need to learn is that when it comes to losing weight, we don't HAVE to be perfect. In fact, if we manage to stay on program three fourths of the time we still end up having lost weight in the long run. So, no matter what yesterday brought, start today with an eager anticipation, not based on "old nonsense" but based on today being a new day!!! Begin it well!!

Peace and Blessings,
EB

No Limits

The quote for the day is...
You have powers you never dreamed of. You can do things you never thought you could do. There are no limitations in what you can do except the limitations in your own mind as to what you cannot do. Don't think you cannot. Think you can.~~Darwin P. Kingsley~~

Actually, when I read this I thought, well, I don't have to add anything, that pretty much sums it up. All too often, the limitations in our mind were placed there by other people. Those untruths that I often talk about us replacing. When we learn that other peoples opinions are not our truth, and erase those old tapes and replace those thoughts with the truth of who we are, there is no limit to what we can do. My doctor and I often talk about the limitations that people allow to be placed on themselves when they receive a diagnosis of a chronic illness. When we learn that there is no cure for what is ailing us, we often start behaving as if the disease defines what we can and can not do.

 We've met these people. Someone who feels that illness or the medication she was taking made it impossible to lose weight. My answer is always that it might make it more challenging, but nothing makes it impossible. If we start to believe that we have limitations, we stop attempting new things, and when we stop attempting new things we stop growing intellectually, emotionally, spiritually. And when we stop growing, then we start believing that there are things we can't do. So, for today, let your mind wander. Think of something you have always wanted to do but had let yourself believe that you couldn't do. Have you always wanted to learn another language? Find the local community college and sign up for a class. Have you always wanted to learn to rollerblade? Take yourself to the nearest skating rink and take a class. Knitting? Can do. Sing in the choir? Yes, you can. Take control of your thinking and start believing in yourself? No problem. There is nothing you can't do once you choose to. Ahh, you say, there she goes, that choice thing. Yes, of course, it is all in making the best choices you can. Do you want to stay OP today? CHOOSE to.Make the best choice available, choose to believe that 'can't never did anything', so never think you can not, because you know you can.

Peace and Blessings,
EB

Keep Your Headlights clean

The quote for the day...

It’s like driving a car at night. You never see further than your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.~~E.L. Doctorow~~

This quote made me think of traveling with my son. Because of his particular personality, when we travel he has to know exactly where we are going, and how we are getting there, and any change of itinerary has to be handled very carefully, since order and consistency is how he deals with living in a world the doesn't understand. One of the life lessons that we work on with him is to be more open to flexibility. He is learning that sometimes the best laid plans don't always run true to the way you planned them, and detours are inevitable. Fortunately this lesson is reinforced daily as we live in a place where it seems they finish working on a stretch of highway only to go back and tear it up again.

Sometimes we are like my son. Any little detour in our plans can sideline us. Did we overindulge over a holiday, or at a tailgate party? Well, that does it, we are failures, and we throw in the towel. It can take months to get back on track. When the truth is that overindulging happens. Skinny people eat too much on certain occasions. it is not a character flaw, doesn't make us some kind of failure. Makes us human, and just like skinny people who compensate for overindulging by eating lighter for a day or two, we can get right back on track with the very next meal, the very next bite. Those of us with weight issues tend to be perfectionist, we tend to operate in an all or nothing mode. SO we are totally OP or we are just not going to try. Well, the truth is, if we are OP 75 to 80 percent of the time, we will in the long run, weigh less than we started out. I know this for a fact. In my weight loss journey I have had a gain fully 25 percent of the weeks I have weighed in. But those gains haven't kept me from moving towards my goals. So when it comes to weight loss, I think we need to realize, even though we can only see as far as the headlights are shining, we will make the whole trip that way, it will be fine, those headlights will lead us even though we don't know what is lurking past their range, we'll see soon enough. Taking it One day, one meal, one bite at a time!!

Peace and Blessings,
EstherBelle

If I had hammer

Today's quote...

The secret of getting ahead is getting started."
'Planning a new and better life is certainly important, but it is only the beginning. An entire room filled with blueprints will not build a house. At some point, we have to pick up a hammer.' ~~Sally Berger~~

So, have you picked up your hammer yet? Have you read your blue prints and gathered the materials you need to start your project? Your most important project is taking care of you, Learning to make the best choices you can for your well being. Most of us have done part of that by joining Weight Watchers. Do you read the material you receive at meetings, or check out the wealth of information available on this website? Do you incorporate the blueprint to the program in your daily planning? Do you use the tools available to you? Follow the healthy guidelines, drink your water, get some exercise, journal, use portion control? have you picked up your tools and started to build a brighter healthier future for yourself, which then trickles down to a healthier future for you family, friends, co-workers in that the time you invest in taking care of yourself helps you to be better wives, mothers, daughters, friends, etc. If you haven't picked up those tools yet, what are you waiting for? Are you waiting for that mythical thing called motivation? Don't wait for the motivation, start using those tools, building your future and the motivation will come. Motivation is such a fickle thing anyway, leaving you just when you think you need it most. I prefer discipline and intention to motivation any day.

By discipline I mean doing the things we know we need to do. I do not need motivation to brush my teeth every day. I just need the discipline to do it. I do it because it has to be done, and I have made it a part of my routine, a habit. Staying OP has become a discipline for me again. I do it because it has to be done, and I have made it a habit.

By intention I mean that I start each day with the intention of staying on plan. I intend to make the best choices I can make one day, one meal, one bite at a time. Now I often will miss hitting that nail on the head every time. Sometimes I have to pull a nail and straighten it before I put if back. Sometimes I hit the nail wrong, and I have to discard it and reach for a new nail before proceeding. I do this with no shame, no regret, no guilt. Part of building a house includes a badly hit nail occasionally, that is just the nature of the project. So, it doesn't change the way I see the project at all. One nail at a time the house will get built. One day, one meal, one bite at a time, we will get closer to our healthiest self. Have you picked up your hammer yet today?

Peace and Blessings,

EB

I Can Do It

So, since most of my life is out of my control these days, and I am struggling in a lot of areas, I am trying to reclaim at least one thing that helps me feel in control. The truth is, that no matter what is happening, no matter that I can't climb out of my financial messes, no matter that I feel out of control there is one and only one area of life where I can exhibit total control and that is when, what, and how much I choose to eat. For some of us with weight issues that is a very liberating thought. It is for me anyway. I can't make the money I desperately need magically appear. I can't control many of the stressors in my life, but I can control how I react, and how I choose to eat, and that honestly helps me move towards a sense of control in other areas. Often when life is careening out of control, getting control over something helps.

So, I will probably be writing about weight loss issues more often than anything else for a while. Hey, at least I am attempting to write again...


We were all given the same amount of spirit. None more, none less. The difference between individuals is allowing the Spirit to have more of you.~~Bear Heart~~

Whenever you read a success story on a website, or in a magazine, the person who has reached their goal will usually say something like "If I can do it, anyone can do it." I know that when some of us read that they sometimes think that doesn't include them, but the truth is that not one of those people sharing their success story has more spirit, or drive, or motivation, or discipline than the rest of us. So, if I can do it you can do it, is actually true. BUT, first we have to give ourselves over to learning the truth about who we are, and discovering that we are a person of worth, and learning that we CAN do anything we set our minds to do. Yes, sometimes our challenges might be more than someone else, sometimes the obstacles in our way can be daunting. But inside each of us is that place where the truth has been replaced by untruths over the years, and we need to capture each one of those untruths and replace it with the truth .Takes work on our part sometimes, but every time we think a negative thought that we aren't worthy of the best in life we need to stop, ask ourselves if that is true, tell ourselves that it isn't true and replace it with a true thought.

Every time we hear in our head that we aren't smart enough, or good enough, or pretty enough, we need to say stop, that is not true, the truth is I am smart enough, I am good enough, I am beautiful. I am a person of great worth, and I deserve to treat myself well. It is a choice we can make, and when we believe that we deserve to treat ourselves well, we will make the best choices we can to become healthier in our mind, body, and spirit. When we become used to making the choices that make us the best we can be, then it will become easier to work towards our healthy bodies, because we are worth it!! Treat yourself well today, no one deserves it more.

Peace and Blessings,
EB



 

Mindful Eating

One of the very nicest things about life is the way we must regularly stop whatever it is we are doing and devote our attention to eating.~~Luciano Pavarotti~~

One of the reasons I have finally learned to keep my weight off is that after all these years I finally figured out something that you have heard me say before. It is never about not eating, it is about learning to eat well. I used to think, like most of us probably, that in order to lose weight I had to go on a diet and restrict myself, and deprive myself. Well, I could manage to do that for a while, but that is not something I could do forever. When I started WW this last time, over 5 years ago, I really paid attention, and figured out that I would have to learn to think about food differently.

So I started applying some of the principles I use in my spiritual journey to my relationship with food. One of the things that is important to me is being present, living in this moment. So I have tried to practice mindful eating. Mindful eating is for me to pay attention to what I am eating. To stop simply grabbing something. I don't think I am the only one who has gone to the kitchen and grabbed a handful of something without thinking, only to realize later that I ate the whole bag of Nutter Butters, or quart of Ben and Jerry's, or half a loaf cinnamon toast. So, I have learned to pay attention to what I am eating. To give my full attention to that moment. Why am I eating? Am I eating because I am hungry, or am I just bored, lonely, stressed, depressed. Am I using food for what it is intended for, or an I using food for something it was never meant to be. I can help myself do this by being faithful to journal. I journal before I eat something. I fix whatever I am going to eat, then I write it down, then I eat it. When I am faithful to this, it is so much easier to stay OP. When I give my attention to what I am eating, I eat better. Instead of just grabbing a handful of something, I prepare a snack, I make it something to delight my palate, I use the good china ever day, and I sit down at the table or in my sacred space, and give my attention to what I am eating. When I eat mindfully, I remember that the act of eating is part of this day, a day that will never come again, a day that I choose to live in every moment. Then eating becomes my focus for the moment, a choice not a habit, and I have given food it's proper place in my life.

In my spiritual life I attempt to be mindful of the presence of Creator in every moment. There is a traditional spiritual exercise called practicing the presence of God. This means recognizing that God is here now moving through our everyday activities, no matter how trivial they might seem. So that I am grateful for every moment, appreciating whatever activity I am present in. By learning to be present in the act of eating, and to appreciate the act of feeding my body, my mind, my spirit with what I have chosen to eat, I instinctively make better choices.And that is what it all boils down to, making the best choice we can for that moment. So, for today, I choose to do what Pavarotti suggests, give my attention to what I am eating, and if I am paying attention I will make better choices. Better choices is what I deserve, because I deserve the best. We all do.

Peace and Blessings,
EstherBelle

Just a Big Ol' Girl

When I was growing up it wasn't a given that little girls would go to college and become anything they wanted to be.My father, in fact, forbid me to go to college. But, I couldn't remember a time when I didn't know that learning was my way out of a bad place.So, I schemed, and I worked out a way to get to college. See, my father was from a time when girls got married and had babies, he couldn't IMAGINE a world where girls didn't have a baby until they were in their 30's, or didn't get married until they were almost 50. But, I could.Other people's imaginations have nothing to do with your reality!


Sometimes I am my own worst enemy, we all can probably lay claim to that. I look at my circumstances, and I get frightened. I fail to see what others see in me, and so I occasionally need reminders that my reality is mine, and that even though things are hard right now, they won't always be this hard.


One of my issues is weight. Now I am just a 'big ol' girl'- as one of my four year old friends once described me. It's OK to be a 'big ol' girl' as long as you are working on being healthy. I am never going to be my cute little sister (oy, I can feel the email coming!) for one thing I am nearly a foot taller than her. For another, I have always been overweight, always. It is as much a part of me as my size 12 feet, my eyes that change color, and my blue fingernails-oh wait the fingernails is another story!


I do not have a major problem with my size, which I think you might have figured out from the title of my blog. I eat well, I exercise as much as I can, and I try to take care of myself. YES, I have some serious health issues, but not ONE of them was caused by my weight struggles.

I was thin one day in my life. It was June 28, 19mumble-mumble.The day I was born I weighed 5 lbs. 2 ozs, and was 23 inches long. A tall, s-k-i-n-n-y baby girl. My baby book lists my weight at my 3 week check-up as 15 lbs. APPARENTLY I got born and discovered that there are truly calories in the air just waiting for me to breath them in.

I have always been the Giant economy size in a trial sized world. Not an easy task as a child, but I got better at it as time goes by. I had to suffer through the well meaning mistakes of parents, friends, even doctors before I was able to decide things on my own. I remember being put on a diet at 6 years old. The doctor prescribed diet pills, which back in the 50's were as we all know,pure speed, methamphetamine. They didn't work, I stayed larger than the average child, but was very likely helped towards my abuse of drugs and alcohol a few years later.

Back in the 50's kids like me were an anomaly. I really was THE fat girl in my elementary school days. I was a giant compared to all of the other little girls, and there were some Moms in the neighborhood who would not allow their children to play with me. I was this freak of nature, and they were afraid that their kids would get hurt. I have forgiven them. My dad decided that vigorous exercise was not good for me, he was truly afraid that I might have a heart attack or something. Amazing the things that we didn't know then. My dad was honestly trying to protect me.

We have learned so much about nutrition and healthy eating since then. I remember seeing a Cook book from the late 1950's. In it was a chapter on dieting. It said you must never let the dieter feel full or satisfied. Honest, that is what it said. Apparently those of us with the genetic make-up to gain weight easier must be punished. Thankfully we have come far since then. Now we know that it is never about NOT eating, it is about learning to eat well, to come into a healthy relationship with food, and exercise to keep our bodies as healthy as we can.

So yesterday I went to my Weight Watchers  meeting. Now I am a long time Weight Watchers member, have lost over 150 pounds with the WW program and recommend it highly.You should feel free to look into it if you wish. I participated in the Weight Watchers 5K on Sunday, and posted here about that. So yesterday at our meeting, exercise was the topic.Actually the excuses we all use to not exercise was the topic. Towards the end of the meeting, my leader, the amazing Jenny, asked me to speak about my health challenges and why I thought participating was so important to me. Now, I am NEVER shy about speaking in public. [if you need a  motivational speaker, let me know!!] so I shared a bit. 

As the meeting ended and I  made my way to my car, several members stopped me and thanked me. They told me I was an inspiration. "Thank you," I said, "but I am just a fat lady with a walker." It is humbling to be told that your struggles inspire someone else.I have had a chance to think about what they said to me, and isn't that what a storyteller does? So, thank you, if I can inspire you to think about getting healthier along with me I am grateful.If I can help you realize that your reality is not limited by anyone else's opinion, or anyone's imagination but your own, then I am truly thankful. Life is one choice after another, and if sharing some of my choices, the good, the bad, the ugly, inspires someone else to think about the choices they are making, then I have the inspiration I need to continue sharing. I hope I can help you imagine a world where you are all you want to be.

This is me and my WW leader, the amazing Jenny at last year's WW5K walk. She truly inspires me, and I thank her for that often!!

Peace and Blessings,

The Fat Lady!

Monday, Monday..

Yesterday, my friend Susan and I loaded up my purple walker  and headed out to join over a thousand other Weight Watcher members for a 5K walk. It was a beautiful morning, a bit humid perhaps, moisture left over from a night of thunderstorms. I LOVE the air after a thunderstorm, clean and charged with all of those wonderful ions. Refreshing, energizing. We headed out early, so I could find a close in parking space. Susan's husband thought that was ridiculous seeing as we were going there to walk. But, he has no idea how I suffer, so I forgive him! I managed to walk almost a mile I think, my friend did the whole 5K. I am so proud of her!

I am proud of me too. No one expects me to participate in these things. If you know me, you know that I am only able to stand or walk for a few minutes without my pain level rising to excruciating heights. But, as I explained to someone yesterday, even though it required extra medication, and I would need to rest today, doing these things is the difference in living life on my own terms or allowing life to live me. I choose to live life to the best of my ability, planning for these days when I expend everything I have to do something out of the ordinary.Something that would be merely ordinary for someone else.

So, as I was resting yesterday afternoon with my legs up, listening to my son watch the Nascar Nationwide race, all of my problems became small as we watched the weather in our region turn severe. The death and destruction took place a couple of hours south of us. I waited to hear if my friends there were safe-they are-but so many lost their lives to the sudden chaos that is a tornado.

Tornadoes are one of the things you fear living here in the Midwest. They happen mostly in the spring and early summer. Although they can happen anytime of year. The tornadoes that I was chasing the morning I broke my back were on December 2. The tornado that touched my neighborhood last year while we were off vacationing to our heart's content was in September. Tornadoes strike fear into your heart no matter when or where you are. As well it should.

You don't see a black banner headline on the newspaper very often. It takes a major catastrophe, and the pictures of our neighbors to the south are frightening and sobering. There but for the grace of God kinds of pictures. Look, isn't that mound of rubble the restaurant where we had lunch with our friend? kind of pictures. And we shake our heads, wondering, why?

Why did so many people who were doing noting more than minding their own business, just coming home from church, or even sitting in a hospital room with their grandmother. Why did they have lose their homes, their friends or neighbors, or family members? There are no answers to the questions. Why them and not me? Why me and not them? No answers.

In the sacred Literature of the Hebrew Scriptures God says ..

I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster; I, the LORD, do all these things.

So, not knowing why, we thank our Creator for creating order and chaos, and for knowing why it has to be this way. It has been told in ages past that all Power is supposed to be in balance and harmony. That there are two kinds of Power-one is the power of order, peace, serenity, contemplation, happiness and security;it's counterpart is the power of chaos,war, creativity, lust, ambition, and desire and that sometimes one Power is in ascendancy over another, until the balance is tipped.I do not know.

I think about these kinds of things constantly, but I do not know the answers. I know what I believe, I do not need anyone else to believe what I believe. All people believe things that someone else would consider crazy. So there it is, here we are, another Monday...

Be good to you

The thought for today...

"We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our worst enemies."~~Roderick Thorp~~

I saw this in my newspaper this morning, and immediately knew it was worth using. I all to often will be critical of myself. I am learning to use the webcam on my new laptop. I have never made a video of myself , and it is something I can use to communicate with the ladies that post to my daily Weight Watcher's message board thread, my friends on facebook, and when I get it down, even here on my blog. So I am looking at my first effort, and I am picking it to pieces when this quote came to mind.

I am sure we are all guilty of this. Something doesn't work for me and I think "Oh my God I am such an idiot." or "I screw up everything." The truth is I am not an idiot, and I don't screw up EVERYTHING. More importantly, I would never say to a friend "You are such an idiot." I also said to myself this morning watching the video, "You look like crap."  Now is there ANYONE I would say that too? NO! So I must stop saying that to myself.

Become our own best friend. When we hear negative things in our head, or like me when I say it out loud, we must STOP. We must think, what would I say to Diana, or Cheryl. What would you say to EstherBelle? Now, say those things to your self. Start believing those things about yourself. Treat yourself as a trusted, loved friend . Start believing things like "I deserve to be treated well.", "I am a great friend not only to others but to myself."

Extend the hand of friendship, to others, but most importantly to you!

Peace and Blessings,
EstherBelle

Some of my favorite stories of my father

Even though my father was very stern and reserved with me, I do still have some very good memories of him.

This one starts out hard, but ends up with a great line...
I had to pretty much run away from home to go to college. My father forbid me going, and I ended up living at home a couple of years until I turned 18 and could leave on my own.My mother understood it was something I had to do, and I think that is because she couldn't afford to go to college when she graduated from high school in 1930. So, I turn 18, and I am on my way to the bus station to head to college. The last thing I hear my father say to my mother is that "Nothing good will come of this, she'll go off and come back pregnant." He had such faith in me! So of I went to college, majored in theatre, ended up working in theatre and radio, won awards in both careers. My father saw me on stage one time, and heard me on the radio once. A few years later, when their health was failing, Papa had congestive heart failure, emphysema,and Alzheimer's. Hard to believe, this was a man who retired from a roofing company at 65, and went back to work at the roofing company at 67, and the young guys couldn't keep up with him. He fell off a roof when he was 73, around Halloween. He broke his hip and had surgery to implant screws and a rod the first of November. Doctors said he would take 8 months to a year to walk again. On January 1st, we were watching the news and there was a fire at the company where he had worked for 50 years. He said "They're going to need everyone and went back to work on January 2nd. He worked for several more years, until the Alzheimer's got bad enough that he couldn't work anymore.But I digress...when his health was getting worse and he and mother couldn't manage on their own anymore, I left my career in radio and back to California to take care of them. I did not know at that time that I was pregnant. After I had been there a couple of months it became obvious I should see a doctor, and I was shocked to learn that I was expecting. Remember what my father said when I left for college? Well here it was decades later,I was an award winning actress, designer,and broadcast news director, afraid to tell my father that I was pregnant because I was his old maid daughter. So, I call my little sister (two years younger than me) who was a married mother of two. My sister tells my mother, and my mother goes in to tell my father while I sit on the porch. It is late summer, and the windows are open and I can hear my mother telling my father what the doctor had said and the next thing I hear is my father's voice..."I told you if we let her go off to college this would happen, she came home pregnant."

Did you notice that I was his old maid daughter? This is one of my favorite stories. I was working at a theatre on my 25th birthday. We didn't have a phone back in the costume shop, so if there was a call someone would have to come get us. So it is the afternoon of my 25th birthday, here comes the office girl who says "You have a phone call, it's you're father." My father? My father never calls. He always has my mother call, even his favorite sister. He will talk on the phone  but he never makes the call. Assuming the worst, that something is wrong with Mother I run to the office to answer. I pick up the phone and say hello. My father says hello, and I ask him if everything is OK. Is something wrong with mother? Here is the rest of the conversation...

"No, your mother is fine, I wanted to talk to you."

"Is everything OK?"

"Do you know what today is?" 

"Yes, sir, it's my birthday."

"Do you know how old you are?"

"Yes, sir, I am 25."

"What did you do last night?"

"We had a show, I worked."

"What are you doing tonight?"

"We have a  show Papa, I am working."

"Did you get married since the last time we talked to you?"

"No, sir, you know I didn't."

"Are you sure? Do you have plans to get married tonight?"

"Yes, sir.I am sure.No, sir, no plans to get married.""

"Do you know what it means when a  girl turns 25 and she's not married?"

"No, sir, I don't."

"It means you are an old maid.If you turn 25 and you're not married you are an old maid. there has never been an old maid in my family.I'll be the first one to have an old maid daughter.Do you know what happens when you turn 35 and you're not married?"

[By this time I am laughing]
 "No, sir, I don't know."

"If you turn 35 and you're not married,and it doesn't look like you're going to be,at 35 you become the little old lady who lives on the corner."

[I am really laughing now]
"Papa, I am 6'1" and weigh over 300 pounds, I hardly think I will be a LITTLE old lady."

"It doesn't matter, at 35 you become the little old lady who lives on the corner. I won't be able to hold my head in my family."

And then he hung up. I am not sure to this day whether he was serious, but once again I did not disappoint my father. I was 47 when I married. I wish he had still been alive to come!

Here's the last one I will share today. I only talked back to my father twice in my life. The first time was when I was 13, and it was the last time he whooped me with the leather strap. It had to do with me sassing my mom, and that was NOT allowed. The second time, I was 22. It was the night before my sister's wedding. For reasons that don't really matter anymore, my father had decided he was not going to the wedding. My sister was hurt. Some in the family thought he didn't want to get dressed up. He wore bib overalls every day of his life. I only saw him dressed up in slacks and jacket one time. But my sister didn't care if he came in his overalls, she just wanted him to come. One of our older brothers would be walking her down the aisle because of my father's stubborn stand.So, since we are all busy getting ready for the wedding, it is decided that we would go pick up some take-out food. I ask my father to go with me, and he does. While waiting I get my nerve up and I say to him "I am going to say this and you can whip me if you want, but you are going to that wedding." "No, I'm not," he answers. "Yes, old man," I say, "you are going to that wedding if I have to knock you out and take you there myself." Nothing more was said, the food came and we took it home. We all went to the wedding the next day, and left him at home. We got dressed, and the music started.As the maid of honor I start down the aisle just before my sister, and there in the last pew, sitting on the aisle, was an old man in bib overalls. I looked him in the eye and smiled. He did not smile back. My sister, who had not cried yet that day started crying when she saw him. So, later as I drove him and mother home from the reception,a reception where he had a great time and maybe got a little tipsy, he said to me "you were right, but don't you ever talk to me that way again."  I never spoke back to him again.

The morning he died, his mind was amazingly clear. I had him up and bathed and dressed in his beloved overalls. he was playing with my son, who was about a year old. Papa told my son he loved him, then looked at me and said "He's going to grow up to be a fine young man, I wish I was going to be around to see it."

I treasure those words, and I miss my father, and I wish he were here to see that his words are true. My son is an amazing young man, and I tell him the stories of my father.

Just a Little Effort

 My son and I were in the kitchen a few minutes ago. As he went to put something in the trash he got too close to the orange tree and got poked by a 4 inch thorn.He said he was OK, and then remarked that not everyone has an 8 foot tall orange tree in their kitchen.Had to agree with him there! So how does a family living in the midwest end up with an orange tree in the kitchen? Well, orange trees don't do well in cold weather, so while the tree lives on the deck most of the year, it comes inside for the winter.

In about 4th grade,my son stuck a seed from an orange he was eating in a pot of dirt. Wasn't even good dirt, but it was sitting there, an empty pot of dirt, because the plant had died.So this young boy, whom Most High had blessed with autism, stuck an orange seed in a pot of dirt, and Mom did not have the strength to tell him it wouldn't grow.Of course this leads me to the quote for the day...

 

No man ever wetted clay and then left it, as if there would be bricks by chance and fortune.
Plutarch

 

 

My son  put that seed in that little pot of dirt, because we had recently had a lesson on growing things. In his 'Sesame Street Treasury' books, there was a hands on lesson about growing things, so we had suspended the avocado seed in the jar with the toothpicks, we had planted the sweet potato, and then he took the orange seed and put it in the little pot of dirt. Now he did not leave it at that. NO, he faithfully watered and tended his little garden, and I'll be darned if something didn't sprout up. He nurtured it through the winter, and by spring, there was a little orange tree about 4 inches tall sitting on my desk.

 

Now, by this time my son had grown weary of growing things. Not much attraction there for an instant gratification kind of kid. Growing things takes patience and nurturing and effort that doesn't always show results for months. Kind of like the habits we are building for our road to healthier selves. Those habits don't miraculously appear. As our quote for the day says, we can't just wet the clay and think that bricks will form themselves. No we have to mold that clay, and we have to form those bricks, and then we have to provide a safe place for those bricks to cure and harden before we can use them to build a road. Wet clay does not become a brick by merely wishing it so. I remember when I first started going to Weight Watcher meetings. There was a woman in my meetings who showed up every week, got on the scale, had a gain, and then whined for the rest of the meeting. Finally I asked her if she had talked to the leader and shown her journals to find out what she could change. OH no,she said, she didn't journal. I asked her how many days she went for a walk or got some exercise. Oh no, she said, she couldn't exercise.Well, do you drink your water? Oh no, she hates the taste of water. Finally I asked her what she was doing to try to lose weight, and she answered, well I joined Weight Watchers, isn't that enough. I hear you chuckling, it would be funny if it wasn't a true story. I guess no one had ever told this woman that you have to build your own bricks. I tried to share with her some of the things I do, and of course she had a reason, an excuse really, why she couldn't do any of those things. Of course, you know the rest of the story, in a few short weeks we didn't see her at meetings any more. It is sad, because with just a little brick building effort, we can see great results. It's not like we wet the clay and then have to be great sculptors. No, bricks are square, or rectangular, pretty basic shapes. So with a little effort we can build our bricks. That is our lesson for today...effort...a little boy whose mind works differently than ours, put an orange seed in a pot of dirt, and with a little effort on his part, watering, making sure it was getting the sun through the window, etc. I have an eight foot tall orange tree on my deck that I have to bring in for the winter.Just a little effort, that's all you need today. Not super human strength, not miraculous powers, just a little effort. Journal, or exercise, or pay attention to portion size, following the  healthy guidelines, drinking your water, finding time for yourself. Any one of those things requires just a little effort on your part, but that little effort will reap an eight foot tall tree in your future.It's worth the effort! YOU are worth the effort!

The Angel in the Marble

Several years ago I started a daily thread on the Weight Watchers message boards. About that time, sitting on my desk was a daily quote calendar. So, I began a habit of using the quote as a springboard for a daily essay relating to life's struggles. My husband, Mr. Bill, began encouraging me to put my thoughts together in a book. When he was killed I had about half a book written. I started this blog, in part, to get back into the habit of writing so that I might be able to finish the book. Along the way,I will write new things, as well as share excerpts from the things I wrote before I lost Mr. Bill. This was his favorite piece...

 

I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.~~Michelangelo~~

 

Sometimes I see a quote and I know it has to do with the journey that we are all on. That journey towards being healthier in body, mind and spirit. I saw this quote this morning and passed it by, then  Spirit told me to go back.So as I looked at these words I saw that this is exactly what our journey is all about. Just as Michelangelo could look at a hunk of marble and see the angel inside, we must learn to look at ourselves and see the incredible, beautiful, capable woman inside and care and chip away at all of the untruths and detritus that keeps her from being free. There is much to chip away. We can't learn to be our authentic selves until we learn that who we are has nothing to do with who we think others expect us to be. We must learn to recognize the 'angel' in our block of marble, and sometimes it takes us a while to recognize her, because she doesn't look like who society, or our parents, or our husbands, or our friends expect. She doesn't look like who we expect because we have gotten our truths all mixed up with the untruths that we need to chip away.  So as we travel this journey, we must learn to chip away at the expectations of others. We must learn to carve our truth out no matter what untruths we have to toss into the trash bin. Sometimes it will seem easier to leave our 'angel' in the block of marble. After all, chipping away the detritus we have learned may cause us pain, it may cause others pain as we move away from their picture of what we should be. But take my word for it, life is not pain free, and the pain of leaving her locked inside the block of marble is worse than any pain you can imagine. So today I ask you to choose to learn to see the 'angel' in your marble. Choose to starting carving and chipping away at the things that imprison her there, the things that imprison your spirit, the things that have held you captive all too long. Choose today to start or continue the process of setting you free.You are worth the effort it will take, you deserve to find the work of art that you truly are.

 

Peace and Blessings,

EstherBelle

 

Feed the Hunger

Today's quote...
There is a terrible hunger for love. We all experience that in our lives--the pain, the loneliness. We must have the courage to recognize it. The poor you may have right in your own family. Find them. Love them.
~~Mother Teresa~~

It is the day before Thanksgiving. Many of my friends are also members of Weight Watchers. In fact the WW message boards is where I met most of my closest friends.As we come up against the dreaded holiday season I want to talk about hunger.

 

Sounds a little crazy to address hunger the day before the biggest eating holiday of the year. In fact for many, food and football are all that count tomorrow. But it is a minefield for those of us with eating/weight issues. We can learn to deal with tomorrow in a healthy sensible way,planning ahead, making the best choices we can- or we can let tomorrow happen and start down a slippery slope that only ends in January with shame and guilt.

 

It is always about choices. I am a strange creature. When my life is stressful and i am dealing with so many crisis situations, it is sometimes easier for me to be in control of my eating. It feels very good to be in control of something.

 

I love the Mother Teresa quote. I find in my life the times I am most hungry, the hunger is very rarely for food. Have you identified what you are hungry for? It may very well not be food. Those of us with weight issues have long confused the hunger we feel, trying day after day to satisfy the hunger gnawing at us with food, and more food, and we are not successful because food is not the hunger we need to learn to deal with. Perhaps we need to learn to discern between the types of hunger that we are prone to feel. Is there a hunger for love? Is it learning to love and value our self that is creating the emptiness?

 

Is the lesson we need to learn about loving our selves, valuing our self, taking care of our body, our minds and our spirits so that the correct hunger is being fed in our lives with the correct nourishment? If we are confusing hunger for love and validation with hunger for food, no amount of overfeeding will assuage the hunger.

Learn to listen to your body, and your spirit. Discern what hunger needs fed. Are you physically hungry? Choose healthy, nutritious food to nourish your body. Make the best choices you can make. Is it emotional hunger? Choose to nourish your emotions by seeking out those who will love you enough to tell you how worthy you are. Is it spiritual hunger? Seek times to spend in prayer, meditation, praise and worship of your Higher Power.

Feed the hunger, but make sure you are feeding the right hunger with the right type of nourishment!!