perspective--little things that are big things

You know, sometimes you can get so caught up in the stresses of life that you miss the little things that are a reminder that you are truly blessed. 

Yes, life is difficult sometimes. You get behind and there is just no way to ever get caught back up. Honestly, for many of us, we no longer have hopes or dreams of getting ahead, it's breaking even that stays just out of our reach, and wears you down. BUT, even in the midst of that, it seems there is always something that will bring you back to the reality that life is a good thing.

I admit I have been struggling with depression again. It's just hard to be behind all of the time, and every now and then I give in to wallowing. 

But the good thing is I know I have good friends,and I hope I have value to the world. 

So, you go along wallowing and then the littlest thing can make you snap to.

My son is autistic. He has never said the words I Love You to me. But, he does things that let me know. At my  infant sons christening I asked Most High to help me make sure that my son would experience the magic of childhood. The answer was the gift of autism. The most amazing blend of special needs, genius, and faith that is my son. My son believes that God will always provide, and that whenever we meet a challenge, Mom can find the answer. My son trusts me to help him learn to navigate a world he has trouble understanding.

But, even knowing all of that, sometimes I just wish he could tell me he loves me. AND THEN, he does.

Well, he doesn't use words. He does things like bake cookies, or carry all of the groceries in from the car, or opens a tight jar lid. Or the one I noticed recently is the TV.

 I only watch one show that he doesn't watch, and I admit, I always have to ask him what channel somethings on if I am the one with their remote in my hand. But, the last couple of weeks, as I get ready to watch TV on Monday night (yes, I admit to loving dancing With the Stars) I have noticed that no matter what channel we were watching earlier in the day the TV is already on the correct channel for my show. It is such a tiny little thing, but it shows me my son cares. He loves me. 

Well, either that or he doesn't want to hear me ask "What channel number is ABC."I am choosing to believe he loves me. It's the perspective I embrace today.

Peace and Blessings,
EB

p.s. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there, just in case. I told a friend who was embarrassed about asking for help that if we don't make our needs known how does anyone ever know we have needs. So, just as embarrassed, I am pointing out the button. Blessings.

Courage

Today's quote...
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.~~Ambrose Redmoon
~~

We are each of us some of the most courageous people I know. We get up every day and judge that no matter what we may fear we have the mental or moral strength to venture out, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty- so we set forth on our day. What? you may be saying. I don't do that , I just get up and get ready for work, or to take care of my family. Well, when we choose to get up when the alarm goes off we are preparing to VENTURE forth into a new day.We have no idea what that day will bring, perhaps it will be a routine day, or perhaps we will stumble into a grand and glorious miracle or a difficult obstacle, and yet we Venture forth. 

Each of us has some challenge in our lives, and we never know what challenges the people we are interacting with through the day are dealing with, and yet we PERSEVERE in the face of those challenges. Whether we are dealing with health issues, mind issues, or spirit issues, we choose to go about our day and accomplish what needs to be accomplished we are persevering in the face of difficulty.

From the time we choose to put our foot on the floor and get out of bed, until we lay our heads down to sleep, there is always an element of danger in our lives; and yet, we put those thoughts behind us and WITHSTAND DANGER as we climb stairs, drive on the freeway, go through the kitchen without eating the brownies. We overcome our FEARS, navigate the DIFFICULTY in every day and go through our lives caring for our family, or work, our homes, our friends, ourselves. Ah, there is an issue, do we have the courage to care for ourself? We must, for when we CHOOSE to care for ourself, our courage grows and we are better able to care for all of those others.

WOW, what an incredible person of courage you are. Look in the mirror, you will see that not only are you beautiful, you are strong and courageous!! I am humbled by each of you!!

Peace and Blessings,

Empathy

When did we lose the ability to empathize with people?

Last month when the weather should have been spring like, and we were still in the grip of what felt like Narnia winter I posted on facebook what I thought was a joke about being behind on the gas bill...

Dear Mother Nature,
It's the middle of MAY-I don't care how many shares of Missouri Gas Energy you have in your retirement portfolio-I am NOT turning the heat on today. 
Sincerely,
Shivering under a quilt

Dear Mother Nature,
It's May 16. 36 degrees and a frost advisory, seriously? I'll need to find a corner and a cardboard sign to ever catch up on funding your retirement.
Signed,
Shivering

One of my 'friends' messaged me that they would be unfriending me because I was 'whining about being poor again.' Granted, I am not always as funny as I think I am, but 'unfriend' me for a couple of jokes about the weather?

Recently, on a message board I frequent a woman who is being treated for breast cancer vented about the paperwork needed to apply for medical financial assistance, and another poster went off on her. How dare she whine about wanting charity. She called her an ingrate and churlish. Seriously. Of course in the resulting conversation we find out that the one calling the cancer patient out had received 'financial assistance' in the past. So, for her it was 'financial assistance', but for someone else it was 'charity'.

So how did we get to the place where I can't joke about the weather or my financial problems without being considered a whiner, or a cancer patient can't vent without being shamed for needing help?

"Empathy is really the opposite of spiritual meanness. It's the capacity to understand that every war is both won and lost. And that someone else's pain is as meaningful as your own."~~Barbara Kingsolver

Empathy goes many directions. When we lose the ability to empathize, we not only lose the ability to understand and share when people are having hard times, we lose the ability to be joyful when they are being blessed. And I think that, leads to what Barbara Kingsolver describes as spiritual meanness.

So, do I need to not make jokes about my hard times? A sense of humor (and some awesome friends) helps me get through the days. Do we need to censor and not share our frustrations for fear that some else in our community has lost the ability to empathize? That won't work for me.

What will work for me is to remind myself and others that even though life is hard, I will get caught up some day because my list of blessings is longer than my list of troubles-even on days I can't see that.

So, I am sorry to have lost a friend. I wish I could have taught her to laugh with me. Because the truth is being behind on the gas bill, or having a really bare pantry because money is tight may be a problem. But, losing the ability to empathize is a far worse affliction.

The truth is in that old saying...Shared joy is joy doubled. Shared sorrow is sorrow halved. THAT is empathy in a nutshell!

Peace and Blessings,
EB

Signs of Spring

So, it's the first day of spring. Surprisingly, the weather is spring like (yes, the 's' word is in the forecast on Monday-nut it could change) with 68 degrees and a bit windy. It's about time. It has felt like Narnia around here-and that may be part of why I was busy having a pity- party of one this morning. I'm behind on the gas and electric, because as my son has suggested we think Mother Nature has probably invested her retirement funds in utilities and is gleeful at the huge bills we have racked up this winter.

But, anyway, I was sitting in my kitchen feeling very sorry for myself. It's hard being stressed over things sometimes. So, there i am-having mopped the kitchen, and opening the patio door to let the fresh air in-sitting, feeling decidedly sorry for myself when I look up and see a teeny-tiny little spring miracle.

I have an orange tree in my kitchen. I have been really worried about it living through the winter, the former upstairs neighbors drenched it with bleach water last year,and it looks pretty dead. It is the orange tree my son grew from a seed, so I have kept watering it, watching the branches die, and the few remaining leaves fall. I'm kind of stubborn that way. I honestly felt it was a losing cause, but this is my son's orange tree that should not have grown from that seed anyway.

So, sitting there, feeling sorry for myself, and I look at the tree. The mostly dead, sad looking tree. and there amid the dead branches I see it, new growth. Teeny tiny new leaves, 6 sets in all.

So, thank you universe for adjusting my attitude. I am still worried about money, still worried about a lot of things, but Spring has SPRUNG!!! New leaves have grown, our orange tree hasn't given up yet--and so I guess neither will I.

So, even if it snows on Monday (or like last year in May) I choose to believe in the signs of Spring!!

Never too old to learn

The quote for today...

Youth is the time for the adventure of the body, but age for the triumphs of the mind.~~Logan Pearsall Smith~~

As I contemplate the obstacles and challenges of late middle age, and my mobility has become an issue, I take great pleasure in this quote. I did have amazing adventures in my youth that required me to be physically able. I have done everything I ever wanted to do, been places that I never dreamed I would go. I may not be as able to do things physically, but my mind has never stopped taking me on adventures. As I continue in my journey, it is my mind and spirit that allow me to rise above a body racked with pain and disease and continue to soar and grow and experience. It is my mind and spirit that keep me studying and learning and growing in my journey. The triumph of age is that we are never to old to learn, to seek new adventures of spirit, no matter what is happening with our physical bodies. So, it is important that we take the best care we can of ourselves. Make the healthiest choices we can everyday, so that we can continue in our journey, meeting the challenges of our physical needs in such a way that we will be able to live triumphantly!!

Well, that's what I'm telling myself anyway!!

Peace and Blessings,
EB

It takes a while

So, sometimes when we change things about ourselves, it takes a while for it to soak in to our mind.

I have been sharing about my weight loss. My last post was about my realizing that I had an emotional reaction to the words obese and overweight. I surprised myself. I love when I learn something new about myself.


We can always choose to perceive things differently. You can focus on what's wrong in your life, or you can focus on what's right.~~Marianne Williamson~~

If I were to focus on what's wrong in my life, I would never get out of the bed, in fact, I might be tempted to just end it all! But, there is so much more that is right, that when I focus on that it overrides any pesky little problem. Changing our perception is where the secret lies. If we grew up believing that there was something wrong with us, we have to unlearn  that and replace those thoughts.

It may be hard to believe, but when I look in the mirror I rarely see a difference...no matter how much I weigh or whether I have gained or lost weight. I just don't see much of a difference. Perception is often reality.

Now, even when I weighed 490 pounds, my perception of myself was not negative. I have never considered myself any more or less attractive based on my size. I was blessed to have a great teacher when I was a child that taught me that my self-esteem is not based on my size. I firmly believe that we are not the nu8mbers on a scale and should not measure our worth based on those numbers or the numbers on a clothing tag, I am human and use those numbers as a tool to gauge where I am in my journey. Especially since when I look in a mirror I just don't see me differently.

I am nearing my goal weight. Then of course the real work starts-maintaining that weight and not having to lose this all again. I wish I had learned that lesson 50 years ago!

I will not be successful at dealing with my weight issues because I reach some 'mythical' goal weight. I will be a success when I have learned to be faithful to making the healthiest choices I can make every day. When I have learned to UNLEARN the things that cause me to use food in unhealthy, inappropriate ways.I was never successful in the past because like most of us, I believed the wrong things. When I thought this journey was about NOT eating-when in fact it is about learning to eat well, day after day.

Like I said, it takes a while. But, boy is it ever worth it!

Peace and Blessings,
EB






.

It's just a word...

...or so I thought.

So, Monday morning is my weigh in day. Hey, all dieting efforts start on Monday's--it's a law, right?

This morning, I lost 1.25 pounds--and that is my 53rd weekly weigh in in a row with a loss. I have no idea who this body belongs too, but she ain't getting it back! Actually, I've kind of figured out that being post menopausal has been good for my weigh loss efforts. I no longer have hormonal gains every 3 or 4 weeks, and it really is nice to think that being an old crone has benefits!

So, anyway, here i am working hard to deal with my weight, and it is working! I am glad something in my life is working, it might s well be my weight loss efforts.

Now, I have been overweight since I was a few days old. My stature has always been that of one of those few who are genetically programmed to gain weight easily and hold onto it. Truthfully, we are the reason the species survived the cave man days. In paleolithic times we seem to have been venerated--and there are wonderful little statues that look just like me.

So imagine my surprise, when I got excited over my weight--and more specifically my BMI-this morning. Now I really don't put much stock in the BMI as a rule of thumb for what we should weight. AND, my goal weigh is well outside of the BMI parameters. But, there are lots of different ways to measure what a healthy weight is, so why did I look at a BMI chart this week?

Well, on one of the forums I take part in a woman was asking about her BMI-so I looked at the charts so I could make sure I was giving accurate information. Casually, while checking her BMI, I input my height and weight, and I'll be darned it caught my attention. If I lost a half a pound this week I would move from OBESE to OVERWEIGHT.

Now, when I saw that, it made me think, really this is why I don't care much for charts. A half a pound would make a difference in whether I was OBESE or OVERWEIGHT--seriously? Who came up with this stupid plan? My doctor and I have set a goal weight for me, and I am 4.5 pounds away from it. We think it makes a lot of sense, considering my history, my health, and other factors-such as my waist to height ratio, etc. But, if I went to another doctor, last week he or she would have described me as OBESE, this week as OVERWEIGHT, based on some arbitrary number on a scale and some arbitrary chart.

Now, I truly believe a scale is just a tool that we use in measuring our journey. We are not the numbers on a scale, and should not measure our worth based on those numbers, since a scale is a mechanical device that can be wrong.Fortunately,my success is not based on the numbers on a scale. I will not be successful at dealing with my weight issues just because I reach some 'mythical' goal weight. I will be a success at this issue of dealing with my wieght when I have learned to be faithful to making the healthiest choices I can make every day.I will be successful at this weight thing when I have learned to UNLEARN the things that cause me to use food in unhealthy inappropriate ways. I will never be successful if I think this journey is about NOT eating when in fact learning to eat well, faithfully, day after day, is the goal I should be pursuing.I truly believe this.

BUT, I will admit that when i weighed in this morning and saw that number, knowing that it changed one word in my life touched some part of me i didn't know was there. SO, it just goes to show that you are never to old to learn something about yourself!!

That, and  whether I am OBESE or merely OVERWEIGHT...
 I am still a goddess!

Woman of Willendorf



 

'Tis the Season

Does it seem as if all of a sudden every where you turn you are encountering rude behavior? If so, believe me you are not the only one. I think it is just a stressful time of year. We have entered the 'holiday' season. Since time began, humans have had celebrations during the winter season, and for good reason. When the winter is upon us, we sometimes need to be reminded that it will not always be dark and the light will return.

So here we are, just a few days from Thanksgiving, and we are already starting to see people running around getting stressed out and being rude and unkind to each other. It is not easy to remain calm when someone is rude, but if we are to reclaim civility and peace for our society, we have to start by reclaiming it in our own lives.

The holidays are hard for us sometimes, in that the reality often doesn't match up with our expectations. We want so much to create either the holidays of our memory or the holidays of Norman Rockwell's imagination. For those of us who don't have halcyon memories to draw on, we think we will make up for it by making sure our loved ones do. For those of us with great memories we compete with trying to accomplish all of those things in a different time. And so we are worn out, frazzled, frustrated.

I think the first place to start to reclaim some peace and tranquility at this time of year is to acknowledge that the Norman Rockwell holiday was a figment of Rockwell's imagination. I love Rockwell's work, but honestly those illustrations were just that- illustrations. Yes, I am sure that there are families and celebrations that look like that, but I am also sure that there are families that don't. So I think we have to allow ourselves to relax and to create what works for us. No more 'keeping up with the Joneses'!

Now my maiden name was Jones, so I have always found the thought of 'keeping up with the Joneses' absurd. Believe me, we weren't worth keeping up with. Holiday dinners at our house were fraught with difficulty.When all of the siblings and their families got together there were bound to be arguments, fights, and just general mayhem. I don't remember a time when everyone was speaking to each other, there was always some point of contention somewhere. One of the memories I laugh at was the year Thanksgiving dinner was at the home of one of my brothers instead of my parents. That brothers wife did not care for me (her loss) and she very cleverly made that known! I happen to have food allergies,in particular coconut and walnuts. On that table there was not one dish that did not include coconut or walnuts. NOT ONE! From the salads to the stuffing to the gravy, some form of coconut or walnut had been included in every recipe. Then she whined because I excused myself from the table without eating anything. My brother yelled at me that I was disrespecting his wife, and as I left the room my family started arguing. Just another family gathering at the Joneses!

So, as we start the countdown to the end of the year, my advice is to relax. All you can do is all you can do. Perhaps it is time to simplify anyway. As we encounter rude people who are stressing out, smile, perhaps say a little prayer that they will be blessed, and remain calm. That guy that just cut you off on the freeway, ask God to bless his life and keep him safe. That cranky neighbor, ask God to pour out blessing on her. That frazzled cashier, thank her for working hard and wish her a blessed day. Whatever you do, do not repay rudeness with rudeness. You only make yourself unhappy when you do that, and the truth is rude people are unhappy people, no need to add to their numbers.

Perhaps remind yourself of the first few lines of the prose poem Desiderata (Latin for desired things)

"Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit..."

Who knows, perhaps we can reclaim good manners and civility in our time, and if not we can certainly reclaim it for our life!

Social skills?

Our neighborhood had it's fall picnic over the weekend. Unlike the weekend before, the weather was perfect, and the turnout was good! My son went with me for the very first time. He used his best social skills, shook hands with the people I introduced him to, enjoyed the hamburgers and hot dogs, stayed much longer than I thought he would, and chose to leave when he felt uncomfortable. I was very, very proud of him. His social skills get better all of the time.

This story isn't about my 26 year old autistic child, however. This story is about neighbors.Like  the 2 year old I met at the picnic. His behaviors were the spitting image of my son at that age. He was a beautiful little boy, the MOST interesting grey eyes, and to this MOM, exhibited many characteristics of autism. His parents had their hands full keeping up with him!

I attempted to open conversation with his parents a couple of times. After all, if he is indeed autistic, I have a lot of experience. I could offer support and encouragement. But, they are fairly new to the neighborhood, and seemed a bit wary. Now that may or may not have anything to do with their son, who may or may not be autistic. It could have just been the nerves of meeting all of us old folks, many for the first time.

Our neighborhood is a throwback to a different time. The 100 homes in our subdivision are inhabited by mostly older folks who have lived together for decades, raised families together, become family for many. I can remember the address of the Southern California house I grew up in, if pressed I might be able to figure out the addresses of the rest of the houses on our street. But in my mind, and my memories they will always be remembered by the names of the families that were living there. Our house was the Jones house, William E to be specific, and we had to be because directly across the street was the William H Jones family-no relation. There were 6 original families, families who built their homes themselves, upgrading over the years. Then in the late 1950's a new subdivision replaced the fields across the street creating a new neighborhood. A very interesting neighborhood, a mix of ethnicity's and family styles moved into the really nice 3 bedroom houses-2 floor plans available-that were affordable for working class families.

The homes were built on the same floor plans, but every house had it's own color and landscaping as the families made them their own. As we children grew up together we knew all of the houses by the names of the families. We knew that we were safe on our way to school as we walked past the Bartletts, the Martinez, eventually past the Bachelor's house. As an adult I know that the bachelors were a same sex couple. As a child, they were just the Bachelors, a very important part of our community. They were always there to lend a helping hand when needed.

I thought about the Bachelors today. I was reading some really hate-filled comments on facebook, and I felt so blessed that I grew up in a diverse neighborhood. A neighborhood where you were not judged by anything other than your being part of our lives. I don't know when it dawned on me that the Bachelors were a 'same sex' couple, because it just didn't matter. What mattered was that they were neighbors. Good neighbors. It can be so easy to get jaded in this day and age, but then I think about our neighborhood and the neighborhood I grew up in. When I see people saying ugly things, I need to remember that there are places in the world where you can grow up to believe that all people are just your neighbors and it doesn't really matter whether you have much in common with them other than the most important thing, they are part of the weft and weave that makes up the tapestry of your life. Just like this neighborhood has been for my unique son, and hopefully will be for the little guy with the grey eyes.

Cynicism

You know it is so easy to become cynical these days. Turn on the TV, check your newsfeed on Facebook, read a message board. Everywhere you look people seemed to have become mean, hateful, lacking the simple human qualities of compassion and kindness. It honestly doesn't matter what your political, or religious beliefs are you can find examples of people who just seem to have forgotten how to behave towards other people. If you are in a difficult situation yourself, it starts to feel rather personal. It starts to feel as if you just have no right to exist if you are down on your luck.

I think it is to easy to say ugly things about other human beings when you are anonymous. I think that if we turn off the TV, get off the computer and encounter one another face to face, most behave differently. Yes, a few will still be hateful uncaring monsters-quick to demean or ridicule anyone they see as different. These are just all around miserable people and it must be hard to be that unhappy. But most people are not that miserable. Most people will speak kindly even to a stranger.

While vacationing last week we met so many nice people. People who were truly happy to have us in their home town, or visiting their area. As I worked my way through doorways, or up a step or two with my cane or my walker, there was always someone rushing to hold a door, or offer a helping hand. I tend to want to let others go through the doorway before me, offering the caveat that I am slow, and no one ever takes me up on it.

It seems to me we need to get out and meet each other. It seems all to easy, no matter where your belief lies on the spectrum to demonize those who are different than you.Personally, i have never understood bigotry and hate, and it seems to be growing stronger. It seems like it is all too easy to think that the problems are all the fault of the 'others'. But when the 'other' is someone we are face to face with we are able to see that we are all fighting some battle, and we aren't all that different. Those folks, young, old, male, female who held a door for me, or waited to get to their seat while the lady with the walker made her way slowly ahead of them had no way of knowing whether I am a liberal or conservative, a Christian or a Muslim or a pagan, or any thing in between. All they saw was a middle aged woman with mobility issues, and they were happy to offer assistance or a bit of encouragement.

It is so easy to fall into cynical thinking, I have thought many times recently that there are those who would gladly let me die by the side of the road because I am no longer a productive member of society. And there may be a couple of those out there, but for the most part this country is full of good people, people who will offer a helping hand no matter who you are or what you look like.For the most part this country is full of friends we have yet to meet. And even those who say the most hateful hurtful things under a cloak of  anonymity, will usually think that their friends or family are not who they are railing against.

So we need to get out of the house, out of our neighborhood or comfort zone and meet each other. Maybe then we will remember that we are all human, and all deserving of a bit of help now and then.We have to remember to be kind, even to those miserable ones, because truly we never know what battles the other person is fighting,and our smile or kind word may remind even them that they are human.If it doesn't, we must truly feel sorry for them, because it certainly can't be easy to be that unhappy.But, we must not let the hate we see and feel rub off on us, we must fight the cynical tooth and nail, but we must fight it with kindness and caring, and that is what I found out there in our country. Nice people, they really do exist!

People who meet people

While vacationing, we were in awe of so many things. The vastness and diversity of the landscape of our country literally took our breath away many times a day.  We saw mountains, prairies, canyons, and forests that defy description. The English language doesn't contain enough superlatives to convey the beauty and grandeur. But, as awesome and inspiring the land is, the thing that impacted me most was the people we met along the way.

At Mt. Rushmore, as you sit on the viewing terrace it is possible to hear a myriad of languages spoken, as the tourists come not only from our own country but from around the world to be astounded by the majesty of the place. Those same international tourists were part of our encounter at crazy Horse Memorial the next afternoon and evening. The Crazy Horse facebook page posted that in addition to the bus tours, the parking lot contained vehicles from 46 states-including Hawaii- and 7 Canadian provinces. Diverse peoples coming together to share sacred space.

At Crazy Horse Memorial, I met the daughter of one of my favorite authors.I was able to chat with her while my son looked at museum exhibits. I find now that she is also an author, but she never mentioned her own books as we discussed the profound effect her father's writings have had on me. What a lovely tribute.

During our trip I was fortunate to meet some caring people who worked at the hotels and restaurants. Everyone has a story, and though most of us would not consider our stories worth telling, the truth is each one is worth hearing. In Chamberlain South Dakota, I met Yolanda. She was the overnight worker at the hotel desk, and since I tend to wake early and seek out a place to meditate, I had time to spend with her. Turned out it was her birthday and that she and I are the same age, with children of similar ages. Of course, Yolanda also has grandchildren, something I am not blessed with. I think if I lived in the area Yolanda and I could be great friends.

In Cheyenne Wyoming the server in the restaurant was Luke. He was 19 years old and had just moved to Cheyenne two weeks ago from Pittsburgh PA. How does a young man from Pittsburgh end up in Cheyenne? Well, it seems his older brother became interested in rodeo and moved to Cheyenne to go to college last year in order to learn about it. When Luke graduated from high school this year he decided to join his brother out west. You have to love young persons with a sense of adventure. No matter where they end up, these brothers will be the richer for it. They will have a broad sense of people and places to draw on as they mature, and that can only be a good thing.

This broad sense of people and places is why we travel. I want to provide my son with as many enriching diverse opportunities as possible. Sometimes  in our routines we can isolate ourselves from the chance to meet people whose lifestyles and traditions are different than ours. When we do not have to opportunity to learn about the way other people live we limit our own choices. Something as simple as a trip to the grocery store is different depending on where you are.

In North Dakota and Montana we found that a trip to the grocery store could involve a drive of over 60 miles one way. My friend Linda thinks nothing of getting in her car and driving two towns over to see her grandchildren. In a normal week, I may put 10 miles on my car since everything I need is within a 2 mile trip. The hospital is 70 miles away for my friend. Just a whole different way of thinking about normal everyday routines. At one point in our drivng we passed thorugh a town and a billboard announced the 'last McDonald's for 205 miles'. Now we weren't looking for a McDonald's, but that billboard stuck in our minds as we drove that day.

Yet, as traveled, the people we met felt like friends. I am certain, had we got aorund to discussing such things, we would have held widely divergent beliefs on many topics. But the only topic that was important was to opportunity to connect with another person, and so as we traveled we learned that  Barbra Streisand' classic song is a seminal truth..People who need people are the luckiest people!

Peace and Blessings,

Detour

Lately life is like the lyrics to that old song...

Detour, there's a muddy road ahead, detour
Paid no mind to what it said
Detour, oh these bitter things I find,
Should have read

That detour sign

This week, the words really hit home as we are planning our healing road trip. There really are detours because large sections of the highway we would usually zip north on are closed due to flooding along the Missouri river. Now this flooding started months ago, and really should be clear by  now, but of course, the waters are taking their time to recede.Even after they recede, the road will need extensive repair. So, detour will be the theme of our first day on the road.

But, you know, it kind of seems a fitting way to start the trip. Life has been just one big detour after another for us.Just this morning, my son and I were checking maps and planning our route. Since we love road trips, we came to the conclusion that the worst thing that will happen is that we will see some places we have never seen before. Not an unpleasant outcome.

Last year, we inadvertently became part of a Homecoming celebration in a small southern town because of a detour. It was great fun actually, people were lining the street waiting for the parade to start, and everyone waved as we drove through. Pretty cool detour.

Now, in life, some of the detours aren't that pleasant, but as long as you keep heading forward, you manage to get through them, or around them. That is actually why we are taking this trip, one more step forward in our healing process. In my experience healing has never been a direct route to begin with. How many times have we had the flu and thought we were over it to be sick again a few hours later. Healing is a process. Not always a pleasant process. The fever that indicates our body is attempting to heal itself is often more uncomfortable than the original problem. But, it is something that has to happen, just like the inevitable detours along life's road.

Detours often make you think that you can't get there from here, but that is never true. Detours only mean you can't get there the way you originally planned. The original route has been compromised somehow, the road is underwater, or being constructed, but there is always an alternate route.Will it feel unfamiliar? Yes. Will it take you over roads you haven't previously traveled? Probably. But, as long as you follow the signs it will get you where you need to go, and once in a while you may find yourself being welcomed as part of a celebration you didn't know was taking place, along a road not to nowhere, but a road to recovery.

Just make sure you heed that detour sign!

Conversation with the Grackle

I have mentioned that I have a depression disorder. I don't talk about all that much, as I take good meds, and I have an excellent therapist.So, I honestly don't worry too much. But, as with all of us with mental health diseases, I have days when all of my coping skills come to naught. I have always called these days my BlackBird days.

BlackBird days are the days when it feels as if a huge black bird has flown into my field of vision, wings outspread, covering my eyes and my mind from seeing anything but the darkness. I knew I had the right therapist when shortly after beginning to work with her, she mentioned something she called Black Bird days!! I nearly wept with joy to know that she got it!!! She is an integral part of my healing and growth.

My BlackBird days are much fewer and farther between than they have ever been, and when I do have them it seems it is more a matter of grief than mental illness these days. Grief, is the most difficult process!! It rolls over me in the oddest times, just when I think I am healing here comes a black day!! This week was my late husband's birthday. Plus I am dealing with the feelings that my mobility issues have brought to the fore, and the weather is just middle of July, midwest UGLY!! So there I was sitting on the deck, kinda feeling sorry for myself, which I honestly try not to allow!!

It was early morning, my favorite time of day for my deck. The sun just starting to approach the horizon in beautiful cotton candy pinks and pale lemony yellows. The morning song of the birds a wonderful backdrop to meditation.Then I saw the grackle, sitting at the end of my deck. Now a grackle is part of the family of birds known as blackbirds. It is often mistaken for a crow, it is longer, and its tail is different,and its behavior is a bit different. The thing I love about watching the grackles in my yard is that they do not hop, they walk, and the adult birds are very concerned about the younger birds. Usually, though, the grackles don't get very close to my deck, they tend to stay out in the open in the yard. So I was surprised to have a grackle sitting there about 6 feet away.

Of course, I said good morning, I always speak to any of the birds or animals that visit me when I am on the deck. Most often the bird or squirrel will scamper away, unless it is one of my regular visitors. the critters who have become used to me being there. This bird was not one of my regular visitors, so I was surprised when he just looked me in the eye, and walked a bit closer.

Now, this is the part where you can decide that I imagine things, and I would not disagree with you. But, to quote Albert Einstein...Imagination is more important than knowledge.

The grackle continued to look at me, and then the grackle spoke to me. No, the grackle did not SPEAK with words, but the grackle did speak, in the not unpleasant squawk of the grackle-it is less jarring than a crow. Hmmm, I took it to be a greeting, good morning right back 'atcha' type of thing, so I continued to speak to the grackle.

I thanked brother grackle for visiting me on my deck, and I talked about the weather, and all the time the grackle was listening and vocalizing. We had some companionable silences, and then I began to tell brother grackle about my images of Black Birds. I shared that the image of the Black Bird blinding my vision has always been uncomfortable for me. While I was sharing, brother grackle turned a bit, and I saw the most amazing thing. Grackles, are not black! Oh they look black when you see them in your yard, but sitting this close, and in the morning sunshine I saw the truth. This bird was anything but black, the feathers are wonderfully iridescent in all of the colors you can imagine!Well, that made me think!

So I talked to the grackle about his feathers, and the beautiful colors, and I started to see that my mood this morning was not a part of my depression,not a part of any illness but a normal part of the grieving process. I have several things that I am grieving. Of course, the loss of my husband is the major loss, but other parts of my life are lost to me more every day. Because of the neurological diseases I no longer am able to sew, and I miss sewing. I can no longer wield a chef's knife with skill as I cook, and I miss cooking. I can no longer just decide to go for a walk, or visit a museum. Walking is more and more difficult and painful and I must decide whether I need my cane, my walker, or my wheelchair today.

But, sitting there seeing the beautiful colors of the black bird on my deck was a gift. I could see clearly that things aren't always as you originally perceive them, and just because something changes, doesn't look like you thought it should or would, doesn't mean that it doesn't look like it is supposed to! I often say perception is reality. But the really marvelous thing is that when your perception of something changes, the reality must change with it. So, instead of sitting on my deck feeling the oppression of a BlackBird day coming on, I could learn to see that not all black birds are black. Not all sadness is depression, and sometimes you just have to grieve the things that you have lost. Part of the grieving process is to to come to terms with the fact that your life will be different, and to help you move towards that new normal.

I thought about all of these things as I sat there with the grackle, and then the grackle turned and walked away. I am so glad the grackle visited me this morning, blessed me with a conversation and a lesson. Amazing that Spirit would send me a helper in the form of something I feared-a Black Bird. How often do our fears keep us from perceiving things as there are? Perception, just like life, is changeable, and those who can adapt will always be open  to the beauty that can come even in the form of a black bird who wasn't ever black to begin with!!

Just a Big Ol' Girl

When I was growing up it wasn't a given that little girls would go to college and become anything they wanted to be.My father, in fact, forbid me to go to college. But, I couldn't remember a time when I didn't know that learning was my way out of a bad place.So, I schemed, and I worked out a way to get to college. See, my father was from a time when girls got married and had babies, he couldn't IMAGINE a world where girls didn't have a baby until they were in their 30's, or didn't get married until they were almost 50. But, I could.Other people's imaginations have nothing to do with your reality!


Sometimes I am my own worst enemy, we all can probably lay claim to that. I look at my circumstances, and I get frightened. I fail to see what others see in me, and so I occasionally need reminders that my reality is mine, and that even though things are hard right now, they won't always be this hard.


One of my issues is weight. Now I am just a 'big ol' girl'- as one of my four year old friends once described me. It's OK to be a 'big ol' girl' as long as you are working on being healthy. I am never going to be my cute little sister (oy, I can feel the email coming!) for one thing I am nearly a foot taller than her. For another, I have always been overweight, always. It is as much a part of me as my size 12 feet, my eyes that change color, and my blue fingernails-oh wait the fingernails is another story!


I do not have a major problem with my size, which I think you might have figured out from the title of my blog. I eat well, I exercise as much as I can, and I try to take care of myself. YES, I have some serious health issues, but not ONE of them was caused by my weight struggles.

I was thin one day in my life. It was June 28, 19mumble-mumble.The day I was born I weighed 5 lbs. 2 ozs, and was 23 inches long. A tall, s-k-i-n-n-y baby girl. My baby book lists my weight at my 3 week check-up as 15 lbs. APPARENTLY I got born and discovered that there are truly calories in the air just waiting for me to breath them in.

I have always been the Giant economy size in a trial sized world. Not an easy task as a child, but I got better at it as time goes by. I had to suffer through the well meaning mistakes of parents, friends, even doctors before I was able to decide things on my own. I remember being put on a diet at 6 years old. The doctor prescribed diet pills, which back in the 50's were as we all know,pure speed, methamphetamine. They didn't work, I stayed larger than the average child, but was very likely helped towards my abuse of drugs and alcohol a few years later.

Back in the 50's kids like me were an anomaly. I really was THE fat girl in my elementary school days. I was a giant compared to all of the other little girls, and there were some Moms in the neighborhood who would not allow their children to play with me. I was this freak of nature, and they were afraid that their kids would get hurt. I have forgiven them. My dad decided that vigorous exercise was not good for me, he was truly afraid that I might have a heart attack or something. Amazing the things that we didn't know then. My dad was honestly trying to protect me.

We have learned so much about nutrition and healthy eating since then. I remember seeing a Cook book from the late 1950's. In it was a chapter on dieting. It said you must never let the dieter feel full or satisfied. Honest, that is what it said. Apparently those of us with the genetic make-up to gain weight easier must be punished. Thankfully we have come far since then. Now we know that it is never about NOT eating, it is about learning to eat well, to come into a healthy relationship with food, and exercise to keep our bodies as healthy as we can.

So yesterday I went to my Weight Watchers  meeting. Now I am a long time Weight Watchers member, have lost over 150 pounds with the WW program and recommend it highly.You should feel free to look into it if you wish. I participated in the Weight Watchers 5K on Sunday, and posted here about that. So yesterday at our meeting, exercise was the topic.Actually the excuses we all use to not exercise was the topic. Towards the end of the meeting, my leader, the amazing Jenny, asked me to speak about my health challenges and why I thought participating was so important to me. Now, I am NEVER shy about speaking in public. [if you need a  motivational speaker, let me know!!] so I shared a bit. 

As the meeting ended and I  made my way to my car, several members stopped me and thanked me. They told me I was an inspiration. "Thank you," I said, "but I am just a fat lady with a walker." It is humbling to be told that your struggles inspire someone else.I have had a chance to think about what they said to me, and isn't that what a storyteller does? So, thank you, if I can inspire you to think about getting healthier along with me I am grateful.If I can help you realize that your reality is not limited by anyone else's opinion, or anyone's imagination but your own, then I am truly thankful. Life is one choice after another, and if sharing some of my choices, the good, the bad, the ugly, inspires someone else to think about the choices they are making, then I have the inspiration I need to continue sharing. I hope I can help you imagine a world where you are all you want to be.

This is me and my WW leader, the amazing Jenny at last year's WW5K walk. She truly inspires me, and I thank her for that often!!

Peace and Blessings,

The Fat Lady!

Feeling Surreal Today

In the last few weeks, I have learned something about myself.  Due to circumstances beyond my control, I am forced to apply for disability benefits and medicaid for my son and myself. I have put it off far too long, and now my financial problems are so drastic because I did. My son and I will in all likelihood lose our home because of my recalcitrant behavior. I find that all of the things I read and see my conservative friends post about 'entitlements' and programs to help the poor now apply to me.

The application process for disability is not easy, in fact I am still working on one of the parts of the application-3 days later. I have already had 3 phone interviews with 3 different people, and there is much more to come.

I have spoken to my therapist in the past about learning to accept the fact that I am no longer able to work. It is so difficult to admit that you are not able to provide for your child and yourself.In our culture we are so often judged and valued by what we do for a living. I was very proud of my job. I gave it 110 percent every day, and I was very good at what I did. So, now, since I no longer have the ability to stand on my feet or use my hands I feel useless. I spend time writing, and trying to figure out what it is I am supposed to do.

The day Mr. Bill was killed, we sat on the deck and had coffee together before I went to work. We discussed our hopes and dreams, plans for the future. We were aware that I would not be able to work at the store forever. So, we talked about me taking courses to do a totally different type of work.We were  so happy that morning, planning a new direction for our life. Then, on his way home from work that night, a drunk driver killed him, and my life has been spiraling out of control ever since. So here I am, no money in the bank, plowing through the paperwork for disability, hoping that there is a way to save our home, and support us through the next part of our life.

Sometimes, I wake in the morning and I am so confused. Who am I? How did I get here? One of my favorite quotes says "Shame on the body for breaking down while the spirit perseveres~John Dryden" So, do I blame my body for breaking down and taking away my ability to work? Do I blame the drunk driver that took my husband from me in the blink of an eye? Do I blame the company I worked for because they terminated me instead of working with me when I became disabled?

I think that I must move forward, accept that my body has broken down. Now I must find a way for my spirit to persevere. Now, I must swallow my pride, and apply for benefits to help support my son and me. Now I must allow the forgiveness that I so often and so easily extend to others to apply to myself.

In this age of social networking and blogging we are privvy to more information about our friends than we used to be. So, now, I can see on my fb newsfeed the religious and political thoughts of hundreds of people every day. I see my conservative friends posting things that lead me to believe that they will look down upon me as I apply for benefits. It hurts to be in this position.

It hurts to do things like adding a paypal button to your blog, hoping that someone might see it and feel led to share. It wasn't that long ago that I was sharing with others. It hurts to feel hopeless and to feel like you are failing in your role as a parent. And so you add these feelings to the other things going on in your spirit, the grief, the pain in your body, the loneliness.  You seek to allow your Higher Power to work in you and through you and for you. Then you blog it and let it go. Surreal, yes, but these days what isn't!

Never SAY Never

Words. We can use them in so many ways. We can use them to build up or we can use them to tear down. One of the ways we use them to our detriment is in a way that we don't even notice we are doing. I call these words 'invisible vows' and usually we are trying to protect ourselves when we use these words.  I think of Scarlett O'Hara, tired and dirty Swearing to the world and herself  "As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again!" Those words altered the way she lived, altered the choices she made in life, caused her to makes choices based on her need to make sure she got ahead no matter who she had to step on to get there.

Now,most of us don't go as far as Scarlett did in our quest to keep ourselves safe. But we make these types of vows regularly, most of the time unaware of them. We make choices in our lives that aren't always in our best interest. If after we have lived through the bad choice we tell ourselves "I'll never let anyone hurt me like that again." That sounds like a good thing. Unless, that vow keeps us from letting anyone get close to us. We build a wall to hide behind so that no one can get in, because if we let someone in then we are vulnerable to being hurt.The only way to keep from getting hurt is to keep from being vulnerable. But then no one gets close enough to us to love us. So now we start to think that no one loves us because we are unlovable.

Some of us use our weight as a wall to hide behind. It is true that in our culture we often become invisible the more we weigh. So we build this wall that keeps us safe. Except it keeps us safe by keeping us imprisoned. We start to believe that we have no worth. We start to believe that we deserve less than the best the world has to offer. We then start to treat ourselves as undeserving.

One of the great paradoxes in our lives is that SELF ESTEEM is often based on our perception of what others think of us. I believe the world uses our estimation of our worth as the yardstick by which it measures us. If we see ourselves as unworthy, unlovable then the world will accept that estimation and treat us accordingly.

So, the words that replay themselves in our heads have built up a wall that imprisons us and keeps us from connecting with the world around us.As we learn to replace those words we can use new words to tear down those walls. When an old tape starts to play in our head we can literally say STOP! Say it out loud if you have to. Say STOP! Ask yourself it thats' the truth, and erase the old words and replace them with the truth. So if we are kept from stepping out because in our Head we hear "You can't do that, you're fat." We say "STOP! That is not true. Being overweight is not a character flaw, I deserve to experience the best in life." We can do this, over and over and erase all of those old vows. We can learn the truth. We are beautiful, deserving, worthy children of Most High. It takes work, but we can tear down those walls.We are worth the hard work!

Perception-Dream a Little Dream with Me

Walk with us through any public place, and you will see people perceive us in a myriad of ways, none of which have anything to do with our reality. My son, my baby, all 6'7" 350 more or less pounds of him brings out either the best or worst in people. I am pretty sure he inherited that from me.Some only see his size, and it makes them look at him again.Some see his hair, that comes down past the middle of his back and decide that means something about him.Some people immediately see in him the sweetness and gentleness that  are part of who he is.He has been called freak,retard, weirdo, and many things I will not repeat. He has been described by some who have met  him as a gentle giant, an amazing young man. I suppose I was uniquely qualified to be his mother because those things, and many others have all been said about me.

I usually have an unobstructed view of these things, as he walks ahead of me. I walk slowly these days, helped along by a cane or a walker, depending on the pain level of the moment. So, as I get in the door of the public place, he has gone before me, and I get to see people react to him. As his mom, that is not always a good thing.Sometimes, if I see that he has inadvertently bumped into someone I will apologize and explain that he is autistic. Sometimes I will call his name, giving people the opportunity to know that they have been seen or heard. Sometimes I will let it go, knowing that a strangers perception has absolutely nothing to do with our realities.

Reality is that this is not a one size fits all world. We all come in different shapes, sizes, interests, abilities and dis-abilities.It is really hard sometimes to be different. My son wears his hair long, he gets a haircut about once a year. He does this on purpose. He saw a report on the news about Locks of Love, the charity that accepts donations of hair to make wigs for children who have lost their hair. Since he wears his hair long most of the time he decided to let it grow to the required 10 inch length and then get a haircut and donate it to Locks of Love. It takes about 10 to 12 months for him to get a 10 inch ponytail. Often, persons blessed with autism don't exhibit compassion, so when I look at my sons long hair I see evidence of compassion, and charity, and love.

My son is a miracle. I was not supposed to be able to become pregnant. About a year before I conceived I had just finished treatment for endometrial cancer. The surgery, and 3 rounds of chemo cured the cancer, but according to the doctors left me infertile. My gynecologist told me that even if I weren't infertile because of the cancer treatment, my weight would be an issue. When he told me that I weighed 250 pounds. But then just a few weeks later I was involved in an automobile accident and broke my back. It was a long year of recovery and I gained all of the weight back. When I got pregnant I weighed 404 pounds. In fact I sent a copy of my sonogram to my gynecologist with a note saying "250 pound women don't get pregnant but 400 pound women do!" So my son is my miracle.

When he was christened, I asked God to help me make sure that he would know all of the magic of childhood. There wasn't magic in my childhood,and I wanted more than anything to provide that for my son.Prayers are amazing things. We use words to to share our deepest desires with or Creator and to ask our Creator to help us make those dreams come true. Little did I know that day that I stood next to our priest asking God for my son to always know the magic of childhood, that always might be always.That we would be enjoying the magic decades later Dreams sometimes do come true.

So, the next time you see someone like us in the store, or walking down the street please don't feel the need to look at us as if we offend you. You don't change our reality by saying something hurtful or derogatory.

 We are blessed to be different.We have hopes and dreams, we have challenges and victories just like everyone. We have faith, and we have the great good fortune to be able to walk in that faith. Knowing that we are loved means that we don't have to worry about what your perception of us is, because our reality has nothing to do with you perceptions. Our reality is based on our dreams ,our faith and our love.