Forgiveness

Today's quote...
Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.~~Mark Twain~~

Instantaneously in the moment of the crushing, the violet has forgiven and blessed the heel that crushed it. Wouldn't it be nice if we as human beings could come anywhere near that kind of forgiveness. How awesome if when we are hurt we just automatically extended forgiveness, and a blessing to the one that hurt us. It would keep us healed and whole and moving forward in our spiritual journey. In our weight loss journey, it would help us to immediately move from the less than healthy choice we might have made back to making healthy choices in the very next bite.let us take a lesson from the violet, let us release the beautiful fragrance of forgiveness and blessing whether the person that has hurt us is someone else, or our self!!

The dictionary says forgive is to give up resentment of or claim to requital for... to cease to feel resentment against.
I think that to forgive is to let go of any claims we have against the one who offended us. I think it is human nature to want to be the one who is right. To forgive means we let go of the need to be right, to let go of the need to prove our claim. To forgive means that we no longer expect to be compensated for our hurt or loss. AS in the forgiving of a debt, when we forgive our claim to compensation no longer exists.We no longer need to be right.By forgiving we choose to no longer live with the feelings brought on by the offense.We choose to no longer be weighed down by anger,or shame, or embarrassment. No more guilt or denial. You can choose to live in the moment and forgive in that moment.

I need these reminders, constantly that every day is a new day, a new opportunity. I forgive myself and let go of the regrets of the past, not projecting worries to the future, and  live in today, this moment, which is ripe with possibilities and opportunities to make the best choices I can make. Living in the moment, being present in the here and now helps us to let go of the things that would harden our heart or tire our tempers. Letting go, offering forgiveness frees us from the non productive emotions and allows us to keep our hearts tender towards ourselves and others. So, start by forgiving yourself, letting go of anything that would harden your heart, and accepting healing for yourself and extending it toward others. 

Peace and Blessings,

Courage

Today's quote...
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.~~Ambrose Redmoon
~~

We are each of us some of the most courageous people I know. We get up every day and judge that no matter what we may fear we have the mental or moral strength to venture out, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty- so we set forth on our day. What? you may be saying. I don't do that , I just get up and get ready for work, or to take care of my family. Well, when we choose to get up when the alarm goes off we are preparing to VENTURE forth into a new day.We have no idea what that day will bring, perhaps it will be a routine day, or perhaps we will stumble into a grand and glorious miracle or a difficult obstacle, and yet we Venture forth. 

Each of us has some challenge in our lives, and we never know what challenges the people we are interacting with through the day are dealing with, and yet we PERSEVERE in the face of those challenges. Whether we are dealing with health issues, mind issues, or spirit issues, we choose to go about our day and accomplish what needs to be accomplished we are persevering in the face of difficulty.

From the time we choose to put our foot on the floor and get out of bed, until we lay our heads down to sleep, there is always an element of danger in our lives; and yet, we put those thoughts behind us and WITHSTAND DANGER as we climb stairs, drive on the freeway, go through the kitchen without eating the brownies. We overcome our FEARS, navigate the DIFFICULTY in every day and go through our lives caring for our family, or work, our homes, our friends, ourselves. Ah, there is an issue, do we have the courage to care for ourself? We must, for when we CHOOSE to care for ourself, our courage grows and we are better able to care for all of those others.

WOW, what an incredible person of courage you are. Look in the mirror, you will see that not only are you beautiful, you are strong and courageous!! I am humbled by each of you!!

Peace and Blessings,

Begin Right Here

The quote for today is... The journey begins right here. In the middle of the road. Right beneath your feet. This is the place. There is no other place. There is no other time.~~David Whyte~~ We are who we are, where we are, and our journey can only begin right there. We can not put off living life until we attain whatever circumstances we think is ideal for the beginning of the journey. Every step we take is a step away from where we used to be, so as much as we may think that we can put off living life to the fullest until we are _______(fill in the blank, thin enough, rich enough,old enough, etc.)The only thing we manage to put off is the wonderful opportunities that await us as we head off on our journey. I have a friend who has lost 100 pounds, and still has a couple of hundred to lose. She said the other day that one of her goals is to be able to wear a dress. She thinks that she has to be a 'certain' size to wear a dress, so for the last 20 plus years she has made excuses to not go to events where she would have felt out of place in her jeans and oversized shirts. When I hear her say things like that, I weep. She has spent so much time missing out on wonderful events because she thinks she is not worthy of dressing a certain way.The journey begins right where we are, there is no other place we can be, so we can not let our fears, founded or unfounded keep us waiting until we get over there before we allow ourselves to live life to the fullest. Because the truth is we can not get over there unless we step out from where we are. So, whatever it is that you have been putting off until you lose weight, do it now. We are not the numbers on the scale, we are not the size on a tag in our clothing. We are wonderfully deserving beautiful women who deserve to experience the very best in life.In order to experience the very best in life we have to live.Now. In this place, in this time. Peace and Blessings, EstherBelle

Mount Rushmore

There are amazing places in our country. One
place we should all try to visit is the Black Hills area in South Dakota. I think I could spend weeks here and never run out of things to do. Of course,no visit would be complete without a visit to Mt. Rushmore.

The first time we visited here was on our family honeymoon trip 10 years ago. It was the most amazing trip, and we decided then and there to return for our 10th Anniversary. Well, a lot of things can happen in 10 years, and Mr. Bill was killed beofre we could make good on that decision. But, my son and I decided that we needed to follow that dream, and here we are!

One of the more memorable parts of that family honeymoon trip was our visit to Mt. Rushmore. It was memorable for so many reasons. It is a most inspiring place. The four Presidents were chosen to represent the first 150 years of our country history. When you are approaching on the road, your first glimpse of the carvings will take your breath away, and standing on the view terrace of the memorial looking up at the mountain will give you goosebumps. But, on that trip, another life changing event occurred in my life. Walking up that path I experienced the first symptoms of RSD. I was walking towards the mountain when I felt the first excruciating pain that would become a constant in my life.  I had to find a place to sit down as I waited for it to pass. I remember thinking that I had never felt anything like it before-not when I had cancer, not when I broke my back in a car wreck, not when I was in labor for 72 hours. No pain I had ever felt came close to what I felt there in the shadow of the mountain. It passed in a couple of minutes, and I chalked it up to being in the car for hours, needing more exercise, etc. I had no idea then that the pain in my right leg that day would eventually become constant and spread to the rest of my body. That day it was just a momentary nuisance.

This trip I am using a walker, and taking my time, because that momentary nuisance is now a constant presence in my body. One of the several chronic pain conditions that plague my middle aged body. But, as I have mentioned before, the pain in my body is never allowed to win, never allowed to define who I am or what I choose to do. Of course, that is not to say that it hasn't changed the way I do things. So, me and my friend PurpleWalker,were at Mt. Rushmore again yesterday, walking up that same path where I met RSD for the first time.

I chose to let my son explore on his own for a bit as I sat and relaxed in on the view terrace. Soon, a young woman came to sit near me as she caught her breath. She asked about my walker, and during the conversation she shared that she was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. We talked about attitude being the key when battling any problem. I shared some of my health history, and assured her that she was more than her disease, and that her disease could ravage her body but that it could never steal her spirit. We spent a sweet half hour sharing, and I believe it was good for both of us.

Healing comes. Healing comes in its own time and its own way.Spirit uses places and people to bring the peace that is necessary for healing to take hold. Spirit is strong here in the Black Hills, and a few cleansing tears have fallen, but the opportunity to encourage the young cancer patient was truly a moment that could only have been orchestrated by Spirit.

I have been feeling useless lately. I have felt like a failure, that I have failed my beloved husband by not being able to keep the house he was so proud of buying for us. I have felt that I am failing my son because our finances are so unstable. Choosing to make this trip was difficult, after all, my house is in foreclosure. This trip is costing roughly the equivalent of one mortgage payment. Not enough to save our house, and honestly I think we are receiving a better return on the money! Yesterday I was able to encourage a stranger. I was able to say to her that cancer is survivable, I've done it. I was able to say to her that pain does not define you in any way, and that you must believe that you can heal. You must hold on optimism and be open to the lessons that Spirit will arrange for you. I felt the healing taking place in her, but more importantly I felt healing happening in me.

I am not a failure as long as I am open to the urging of Spirit, as long as I can be where Spirit can use me. I am not useless. My diseased body is not who I am, and I may have to do things differently, but I can still manage to be where Spirit needs me to be. I am able to persevere and be available for healing. Someone else's, maybe, but my own for sure!!!!  

Pride Goeth before!

Not long ago my bank called,no not one of those auto-mated calls, my bank vice president called.She left a message on my machine, "Hey, EB, this is Penny*,I'm concerned about you, give me a call."  Now, not only is my bank Vice President a she, but we have known each other for years, and call each other by our first names, or in my case initials.This is what comes from banking in a small community, with a small bank (up until 5 years ago 2 branches, now 4). Truth is I should have called her at least 2 weeks ago, but pride being one of the issues I struggle with, I kept thinking 'tomorrow'.Then after so many tomorrows had passed I was too embarrassed. Well we all know how that works! Pride is a hard place to be when life is kicking you in the backside over and over.

So, this morning when she went through her list of overdrawn accounts she saw mine there, and gave me a call. When I called her back a few minutes after she left her message, she didn't mention the bank balance until after she asked how I was, how my son was, etc. Then I said, "I know I am overdrawn" and before I could finish my thought she said, oh good, I was worried something had happened and just called to check on you. We discussed my situation, and the conversation ended with her assuring me that my overdraft protection had kicked in, and  telling me to take care and keep in touch. Never once did she mention how overdrawn I was, or give me an ultimatum to come up with the finds. Just relief that I was working on it, and take care.

So, I hung up the phone feeling stupid for not having called sooner, an thankful that I bank there instead of one of the BIG banks. I felt stupid because I know that this is how my bank handles things. This is the bank that gave a single Mom with a handicapped child and a part-time job a car loan, then when the Mom got sick a few months later the bank President stopped by my house to pick up my deposits and payments. So, it was just pride that kept me from calling them.

Pride, now there is an enigma if there ever was. We should all be proud of our accomplishments, have pride in who we are. I was trying to figure out where the line is between good healthy pride and the pride that becomes unhealthy, and keeps us mired in shame and embarrassment when neither is called for. I have no problems telling you that I am a proud woman. I have had an amazing blessed life. I have accomplished many things that I have every right to be proud of. I was just remembering a few days ago a story from my life where I was very proud-the healthy kind, and someone else embarrassed herself because of pride-the unhealthy kind.

This story takes place before EB was the Fat Lady, she was still just the Fat Girl.I am not putting myself down, I really will write a post someday about why I call myself this and it's a good thing. But you will have to wait for that. This story takes pace my junior year of high school, back in the 1960's in a rural area of the midwest. If you have ever seen a movie from the 50's or 60's portraying high school in small town America, you have a good idea of our high school. Now every school has slightly different traditions, and the tradition at this school was for the Junior class to give the prom to the Senior class as a gift.It was more than a dance, it  was a grand soiree, a party given in honor of the Senors.The Junior class raised money and paid for the prom. The Seniors got to go to prom for free, and there was a buffet dinner and the dance. It really was a lovely tradition.

In small town America the Prom is often a very big deal, and in this town everyone showed up for the beginning of the evening. The Senior couples lined up in the front of the school in all of their finery and had the Promenade.All of their parents and grandparents and uncles and cousins were there, pictures were taken, and everyone got to see how beautiful everyone looked in their finery.

 There was a Senior Prom King and Queen, but there was one other highly sought after role and that was Junior Prom Hostess.  Every student in school voted for Senior Prom Queen, but only the Junior class voted for Hostess. Being chosen Junior class Hostess was a very big deal.The Senior Queen and King weren't announced until later in the evening, about halfway through the dance, but the Junior Hostess was announced a day before the dance. The young woman chosen by the Junior class became the Official Hostess for the party.As the Senor Class Promenade made it's way to the ballroom they were announced and presented to the Hostess. It was like a scene out of Victorian times, the Seniors were guests at a ball given in their honor and the hostess received them like she was a great Lady or Duchess. Junior class hostess was a very coveted position.

So, there we were sitting in homeroom, and the announcements were being made over the PA. Because of our place in the alphabet I sat in front of the most 'popular' girl in school. Key Club Sweetheart, Homecoming Queen, etc., etc., etc. Barbie doll cute and Blonde. The announcements conclude with the proclamation of Junior Class Hostess...drum roll please...The Fat Girl-OK they announced me by name, but that is who I was!!! Well, behind me, Miss Barbie Doll fell out of her desk. Literally, when they started the announcement she had assumed it was one more feather in her cap and started to stand up, and was halfway there when my name came over the PA. She gasped and fell backwards. Fortunately she wasn't hurt except for her pride. Me, I was shocked,to say the least, but very touched that my peers thought highly of me.

Pride, when and where does it cross that line? How do we keep our pride healthy enough that we don't cross over into the place where it can keep us from being the best we can be? I think we have to remind ourselves every day that we are worthy individuals. In this day and age that is sometimes so very hard to do. Seems like everyone is trying to make themselves feel better by marginalizing, demonizing someone else. How very sad is that.

But how did I get so tired that I allowed old behaviors, old fears to surface and let pride cross over the line. I believe it was Margaret Thatcher who said "You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it." With everythign that has been going wrong in my life, I occasionally give in to some old fears. The important thing is for me to recognise them as soon as possible so that I may return to living in the moment.When we are in the midst of a life situation that incolves pain or suffering, it seems  as if the pain and suffering is all there is, and we get weary.So I need to remember to rest, and to not feel guilt, or shame, or embarassment because my life has handed me nothing but lemons. I need to fight the battle, no matter how many times it rears its ugly head.

I admit that when things are going badly, it is so easy to feel overwhelmed.Believe me, I know! I know that when in the midst of troubles we are often at a loss as to how this could possibly turn out good. But I also know that we have the choice to believe that it will. I know that it is all too easy to believe that my life is harder than anyone else, that I am the only one I know going thruogh this much hardship. But the truth is every person you meet is struggling with something. Life is not easy for any of us. So we must remember to choose to live in the moment, to choose in this moment to have healthy pride in our choices and accomplishments and not let old fears and behaviors cause us to trip over the line into the unhealthy kind of pride. Because we all know what 'pride goeth before...' and I choose to stay on my feet!!

Has it really been a Month?

Wow, has it really been that long since I wrote a blog post? Where have the days gone?

So much keeping my mind occupied, and just can't seem to find the muse these days. I love to write, I love putting words together in a way that makes people glad they read them. So, why am I blocked now.

Well, there was the depression that set in around my 10th wedding anniversary. I miss my husband so much, and I managed to grovel in my grief for weeks. I am starting to feel better, the anniversary of his being killed is in a few days, and I will muddle through. My therapist says I am normal, that there isn't an instruction book for how long it takes to grieve. I love my therapist!

Then there have been the ongoing health issues. My son is feeling better, but I am really struggling. But as my favorite quote reads...Shame on the body for breaking down while the spirit perseveres~John Dryden.

Of course we add in the financial struggles, a house in foreclosure. very limited resources, and the worry that accompanies all of that. Being poor seems to be a full time job these days. Trying to find a way to bring the mortgage current, and a way to save our house-which is a wonderful home in a very safe neighborhood-all of these things require way more energy than I seem to have at my disposal these days. But, we struggle on.Wish I could think of a fundraiser to pay off the house!! Hey, a girl can dream can't she?

I really don't have a point with any of this. Just thought I would update folks on why I haven't been blogging. Whining doesn't get me anywhere, but every now and then I seem to be indulging in it for a bit. Need to get my self in hand!!

I am so blessed, with all of the problems in life, I have so much to be grateful for. I have an incredible son, the most amazing person I have ever met. Autism has truly been more of a blessing than a challenge these days.

I have wonderful friends, who care about me, and encourage and support me,and would do so even more  if I would share my troubles with them more often. I tend to be a very independent person, and admitting to my problems is hard for me. Maybe that is what the point is today, a way for me to admit that I am a mess and I need help. That is hard for me, and most people. Admitting that we need help, then the next step, seeking help and accepting help. Why is that so hard? If I had the answer to that I wouldn't be in the doldrums this month!!

So I will srew up my courage, and accept the enCOURAGEment of my friends!

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.~~Ambrose Redmoon ~~ We are each of us some of the most courageous people I know. We get up every day and judge that no matter what we may fear we have the mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty- so we set forth on our day. What? you may be saying. I don't do that , I just get up and get ready for work, or to take care of my family. Well, when we choose to get up when the alarm goes off we are preparing to VENTURE forth into a new day.We have no idea what that day will bring, perhaps it will be a routine day, or perhaps we will stumble into a grand and glorious miracle or a difficult obstacle, and yet we Venture forth. Each of us has some challenge in our lives, and we never know what challenges the people we are interacting with through the day are dealing with, and yet we PERSEVERE in the face of those challenges. Whether we are dealing with health issues, mind issues, or spirit issues, we choose to go about our day and accomplish what needs to be accomplished we are persevering in the face of difficulty. Off to persevere! Peace and Blessings, EstherBelle

Conversation with the Grackle

I have mentioned that I have a depression disorder. I don't talk about all that much, as I take good meds, and I have an excellent therapist.So, I honestly don't worry too much. But, as with all of us with mental health diseases, I have days when all of my coping skills come to naught. I have always called these days my BlackBird days.

BlackBird days are the days when it feels as if a huge black bird has flown into my field of vision, wings outspread, covering my eyes and my mind from seeing anything but the darkness. I knew I had the right therapist when shortly after beginning to work with her, she mentioned something she called Black Bird days!! I nearly wept with joy to know that she got it!!! She is an integral part of my healing and growth.

My BlackBird days are much fewer and farther between than they have ever been, and when I do have them it seems it is more a matter of grief than mental illness these days. Grief, is the most difficult process!! It rolls over me in the oddest times, just when I think I am healing here comes a black day!! This week was my late husband's birthday. Plus I am dealing with the feelings that my mobility issues have brought to the fore, and the weather is just middle of July, midwest UGLY!! So there I was sitting on the deck, kinda feeling sorry for myself, which I honestly try not to allow!!

It was early morning, my favorite time of day for my deck. The sun just starting to approach the horizon in beautiful cotton candy pinks and pale lemony yellows. The morning song of the birds a wonderful backdrop to meditation.Then I saw the grackle, sitting at the end of my deck. Now a grackle is part of the family of birds known as blackbirds. It is often mistaken for a crow, it is longer, and its tail is different,and its behavior is a bit different. The thing I love about watching the grackles in my yard is that they do not hop, they walk, and the adult birds are very concerned about the younger birds. Usually, though, the grackles don't get very close to my deck, they tend to stay out in the open in the yard. So I was surprised to have a grackle sitting there about 6 feet away.

Of course, I said good morning, I always speak to any of the birds or animals that visit me when I am on the deck. Most often the bird or squirrel will scamper away, unless it is one of my regular visitors. the critters who have become used to me being there. This bird was not one of my regular visitors, so I was surprised when he just looked me in the eye, and walked a bit closer.

Now, this is the part where you can decide that I imagine things, and I would not disagree with you. But, to quote Albert Einstein...Imagination is more important than knowledge.

The grackle continued to look at me, and then the grackle spoke to me. No, the grackle did not SPEAK with words, but the grackle did speak, in the not unpleasant squawk of the grackle-it is less jarring than a crow. Hmmm, I took it to be a greeting, good morning right back 'atcha' type of thing, so I continued to speak to the grackle.

I thanked brother grackle for visiting me on my deck, and I talked about the weather, and all the time the grackle was listening and vocalizing. We had some companionable silences, and then I began to tell brother grackle about my images of Black Birds. I shared that the image of the Black Bird blinding my vision has always been uncomfortable for me. While I was sharing, brother grackle turned a bit, and I saw the most amazing thing. Grackles, are not black! Oh they look black when you see them in your yard, but sitting this close, and in the morning sunshine I saw the truth. This bird was anything but black, the feathers are wonderfully iridescent in all of the colors you can imagine!Well, that made me think!

So I talked to the grackle about his feathers, and the beautiful colors, and I started to see that my mood this morning was not a part of my depression,not a part of any illness but a normal part of the grieving process. I have several things that I am grieving. Of course, the loss of my husband is the major loss, but other parts of my life are lost to me more every day. Because of the neurological diseases I no longer am able to sew, and I miss sewing. I can no longer wield a chef's knife with skill as I cook, and I miss cooking. I can no longer just decide to go for a walk, or visit a museum. Walking is more and more difficult and painful and I must decide whether I need my cane, my walker, or my wheelchair today.

But, sitting there seeing the beautiful colors of the black bird on my deck was a gift. I could see clearly that things aren't always as you originally perceive them, and just because something changes, doesn't look like you thought it should or would, doesn't mean that it doesn't look like it is supposed to! I often say perception is reality. But the really marvelous thing is that when your perception of something changes, the reality must change with it. So, instead of sitting on my deck feeling the oppression of a BlackBird day coming on, I could learn to see that not all black birds are black. Not all sadness is depression, and sometimes you just have to grieve the things that you have lost. Part of the grieving process is to to come to terms with the fact that your life will be different, and to help you move towards that new normal.

I thought about all of these things as I sat there with the grackle, and then the grackle turned and walked away. I am so glad the grackle visited me this morning, blessed me with a conversation and a lesson. Amazing that Spirit would send me a helper in the form of something I feared-a Black Bird. How often do our fears keep us from perceiving things as there are? Perception, just like life, is changeable, and those who can adapt will always be open  to the beauty that can come even in the form of a black bird who wasn't ever black to begin with!!

Looking UP!

Finally, some good news. The Social Security people have decided that I am indeed disabled and eligible for benefits!! Thank you to all who have sent good thoughts, prayers, energies, and those who have helped financially. I don't know yet when or how much the benefits will be, but I am breathing a huge sigh of relief. Now to not have anymore utilities turned off between now and whenever the benefits begin!!!

More good stuff-I started writing a book in 2007. I worked on it, and figure I got about half finished before my husband was killed, and my life turned upside down. I have been working on it again. Not writing anything new, just going back over the things I wrote in the past, and changing a word or two. It feels like a huge step forward. This is from July 2007...

The quote for today... I am an indestructible fortress, I am an unassailable rock, I am a precious jewel. --Ancient Irish Prayer Ah, the Irish in me, I think that's where I get my strength. Now, I am not saying to you that I don't have days where I am nothing but a quivering mass of jello, but what I do have is an innate belief that I am indestructible. In fact, I am fond of saying, you can't kill me it's been tried.OK, so I know that is a slight exaggeration but most humor is. What I am saying is that I am strong enough to withstand what the world has to throw at me. We all are, some of us may not know it yet, and one of the things I try to do is to help people see this truth about themselves. If we believe we have the strength to take what the world is handing out, then we journey forth into the world in a much different manner. Our very presence changes. Our posture is taller, our countenance brighter. We shine like the precious jewel we are. Now where do jewels come from, with the exception of pearls, most things that we consider precious jewels come from the earth, from dirt and rock, created by great pressure.Not the most glamorous of beginnings So it would seem to me that the more the world throws at us, the more we manage to crawl our way through as more than a survivor, as a victor, the more precious jewel we become. Even pearls start out in an unglamorous place. Now as much as I enjoy an appetizer of oysters on the half shell, it isn't a pleasant thing to look at.But look at how that oyster reacted to an irritant that it couldn't get rid of, it surrounded that irritating little grain of sand, piece of debris, with beauty.And a precious jewel was created from irritation and probably a bit of pain.

Weight Loss Scares the Heck out of some!

Today's quote…
Fear is the mindkiller~~Bene Gesserit mantra in Dune~~

A dear friend once asked me a question about fear. She very courageously admitted to having fears. Fear of losing weight, fear of exercise. Among others I am sure. Then she asked me if I had these types of fears on my weight loss journey. I think a prayer book is an awesome idea, I am a big proponent of journaling, and listing the fears that she would like her Higher Power to help her shed is what I call prayer journaling. So, this morning I was thinking about her questions as part of my meditations. Here are some of my thoughts. I do not mean to cause pain for anyone; if something I write hits close to home and causes you hurt I am truly sorry.

We are all different, and I personally believe that some of our thinking about size is based on when we became overweight. I weighed 5 pounds the day I was born. At my 3 week check-up the baby book indicates that I weighed 15 pounds. I have always thought it must be different to have always had weight issues versus those that acquired this weight later in life. In many cases I would think we are overweight for different reasons.

If you are someone who started gaining weight after a trauma such as abuse, then you are perhaps using the weight to your advantage. The weight becomes a place of safety in your sub conscious. Your thinking may have become that as long as you have this padding, or insulation between you and the outside world, no one can get close enough to hurt you again. So perhaps out of a fear of intimacy you have learned to see the weight as a fortress that you have built between you and the outside world. The thing about fortresses is that they protect us, but they also can imprison us.

Perhaps you use the weight as a reason to not step out and go for your dreams. After all, you are fat, who would hire you, listen to you, appreciate you. Or maybe you hang on to the weight because it gives you a way to put off dealing with some very scary issues. You will buy new clothes when you lose the weight, you will try new things, when you lose the weight. So the weight becomes the thing that is standing between you and happiness. When the truth of the matter is losing weight can’t make you happy, and deep down you know that, so you hang on to the weight. All of these things are fear based responses. Fear has warped our senses, our thinking, and our knowledge of who we are and what is true about us.

How much of our life do we lose when we let fear take away from us? How many opportunities, how many friendships, have never had the chance to come to fruition because fear of what someone might think, or fear of what might happen has kept us from being the women we are meant to be? FEAR is the mindkiller. It will cause us to think and believe the wrong things. Now there are 2 basic types of fear. There is the fear response that helps us in dangerous situations. This fear is a good thing. It raises our heart rate, gives us strength. This is the fear that helps a 100 pound grandma pull her grandbaby out of a burning house. I am not talking about that fear. I am talking about the fear that keeps us from applying for a better job, or going to a party, or going to the doctor because we are afraid of what people are going to think of us, or we are afraid that we are not good enough, or we are afraid it is going to hurt. This fear messes up our thinking, it is the mindkiller. This is the fear that causes us to not join weight watchers because I've tried to lose weight before, and it never works. This is the fear that causes us to dress like old ugly women, because I am fat and don't deserve pretty clothes. This is the fear that keeps us from going out to dinner or to the doctor because the tests are going to hurt. WE DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS TYPE OF THINKING!!!!

The truth is when we go out in public, most of the time nobody cares what we look like, especially when it is evident that we don't care. The truth is the doctor has seen fatter women. The truth is that NO ONE ever died from a mammogram or from seeing a therapist to do the work necessary to heal from the hurts we are hiding from. These things hurt once in a while, yes, but just for a moment, and the fear of a moment’s pain can cause us years of pain. How much sense does that make? Fear can not and should not win. Losing weight can’t make me smarter, richer, or happier. Losing weight can only make me healthier, and if I choose to learn to heal the hurts and to live in the moment as I lose weight, then and only then will losing weight make me anything but a smaller size. . We must learn to be strong, and learn that we can look fear in the eye and say "You can not win" You can not rob me of my life, my health, and my opportunities. I CHOOSE to proceed in the face of fear.

Just a Big Ol' Girl

When I was growing up it wasn't a given that little girls would go to college and become anything they wanted to be.My father, in fact, forbid me to go to college. But, I couldn't remember a time when I didn't know that learning was my way out of a bad place.So, I schemed, and I worked out a way to get to college. See, my father was from a time when girls got married and had babies, he couldn't IMAGINE a world where girls didn't have a baby until they were in their 30's, or didn't get married until they were almost 50. But, I could.Other people's imaginations have nothing to do with your reality!


Sometimes I am my own worst enemy, we all can probably lay claim to that. I look at my circumstances, and I get frightened. I fail to see what others see in me, and so I occasionally need reminders that my reality is mine, and that even though things are hard right now, they won't always be this hard.


One of my issues is weight. Now I am just a 'big ol' girl'- as one of my four year old friends once described me. It's OK to be a 'big ol' girl' as long as you are working on being healthy. I am never going to be my cute little sister (oy, I can feel the email coming!) for one thing I am nearly a foot taller than her. For another, I have always been overweight, always. It is as much a part of me as my size 12 feet, my eyes that change color, and my blue fingernails-oh wait the fingernails is another story!


I do not have a major problem with my size, which I think you might have figured out from the title of my blog. I eat well, I exercise as much as I can, and I try to take care of myself. YES, I have some serious health issues, but not ONE of them was caused by my weight struggles.

I was thin one day in my life. It was June 28, 19mumble-mumble.The day I was born I weighed 5 lbs. 2 ozs, and was 23 inches long. A tall, s-k-i-n-n-y baby girl. My baby book lists my weight at my 3 week check-up as 15 lbs. APPARENTLY I got born and discovered that there are truly calories in the air just waiting for me to breath them in.

I have always been the Giant economy size in a trial sized world. Not an easy task as a child, but I got better at it as time goes by. I had to suffer through the well meaning mistakes of parents, friends, even doctors before I was able to decide things on my own. I remember being put on a diet at 6 years old. The doctor prescribed diet pills, which back in the 50's were as we all know,pure speed, methamphetamine. They didn't work, I stayed larger than the average child, but was very likely helped towards my abuse of drugs and alcohol a few years later.

Back in the 50's kids like me were an anomaly. I really was THE fat girl in my elementary school days. I was a giant compared to all of the other little girls, and there were some Moms in the neighborhood who would not allow their children to play with me. I was this freak of nature, and they were afraid that their kids would get hurt. I have forgiven them. My dad decided that vigorous exercise was not good for me, he was truly afraid that I might have a heart attack or something. Amazing the things that we didn't know then. My dad was honestly trying to protect me.

We have learned so much about nutrition and healthy eating since then. I remember seeing a Cook book from the late 1950's. In it was a chapter on dieting. It said you must never let the dieter feel full or satisfied. Honest, that is what it said. Apparently those of us with the genetic make-up to gain weight easier must be punished. Thankfully we have come far since then. Now we know that it is never about NOT eating, it is about learning to eat well, to come into a healthy relationship with food, and exercise to keep our bodies as healthy as we can.

So yesterday I went to my Weight Watchers  meeting. Now I am a long time Weight Watchers member, have lost over 150 pounds with the WW program and recommend it highly.You should feel free to look into it if you wish. I participated in the Weight Watchers 5K on Sunday, and posted here about that. So yesterday at our meeting, exercise was the topic.Actually the excuses we all use to not exercise was the topic. Towards the end of the meeting, my leader, the amazing Jenny, asked me to speak about my health challenges and why I thought participating was so important to me. Now, I am NEVER shy about speaking in public. [if you need a  motivational speaker, let me know!!] so I shared a bit. 

As the meeting ended and I  made my way to my car, several members stopped me and thanked me. They told me I was an inspiration. "Thank you," I said, "but I am just a fat lady with a walker." It is humbling to be told that your struggles inspire someone else.I have had a chance to think about what they said to me, and isn't that what a storyteller does? So, thank you, if I can inspire you to think about getting healthier along with me I am grateful.If I can help you realize that your reality is not limited by anyone else's opinion, or anyone's imagination but your own, then I am truly thankful. Life is one choice after another, and if sharing some of my choices, the good, the bad, the ugly, inspires someone else to think about the choices they are making, then I have the inspiration I need to continue sharing. I hope I can help you imagine a world where you are all you want to be.

This is me and my WW leader, the amazing Jenny at last year's WW5K walk. She truly inspires me, and I thank her for that often!!

Peace and Blessings,

The Fat Lady!

Once Upon a Time...

Didn't the Royal wedding recently make you think in fairy tales?

Once Upon a time, a long long time ago, in a kingdom far far away, the royal superintendents of schools were working out how to respond to the new young kings decree that we would educate our children better and use the best and the brightest to win the race for outer space. In a far away corner of the kingdom, a group of children, only 6, were identified as a precious commodity-geniuses.All of the schools in this part of the kingdom examined their children. Tests were taken, scores were analyzed, and 6, only 6, were deemed worthy. Among these special 6 were 5 males, and surprisingly to everyone, a female. Now  they expected to find  young males,in fact they expected to find more than they found. But in the end, after all of then inspections and evaluations, they were left with 6 young persons who fit the bill, and one of them was a female whose IQ turned out to be the highest of the 6. Well, That was just not what they expected at all!

The Royal Superintendent of the county of La-La land, decreed that the 6 special children would be the first students designated as "Gifted and Talented" and these 6 special children would be examined and analyzed for the rest of their years in school. They would be precious gifts to their districts and should be treated as such.

So, they decided to see if they could find out why these 6 were so different. They sent them to the hospital at the University. They tested them, they x-rayed them, they took their blood. For 3 days they had them in the hospital looking at them upside down and backwards. They never released the results to the 6. After all they were just children.What threy didn't take the time to ask was what the dreams and aspirations of the special children were. They really didn't care, they just wanted to be able to say that there were special children in the school district.

As the years went by, and the school district tried to educate the special 6, some strange things happened. Several of the 6 turned to drugs and alcohol. It seems that being different is very difficult to deal with for a young person. Since this was the first attempt to corral the intelligence, mistakes were probably made. Hopes and dreams were not important, and they tried to make the special ones conform to what 'they' thought they ought to be. It was no easy task.

The girl was probably the most different of them all. Not only was she the smartest one, she was the only girl, and she was different in many other ways. She was tall and obese and was treated as a freak by those around her. Mothers in her neighborhood often were heard calling their children in so that they wouldn't be able to play with her. She was so big, mothers were afraid the children her age might get hurt.

Then she was called names every day. Back in the late 50's and early 60's being fat was an anomaly. She really was The fat girl in school. So she was ostracized for being fat, for being smart. She knew the sound of a common ordinary word like 'smart' being used as a curse.

But children grow up, and graduated from school. The Royal Superintendent had no more interest in the 'special' children. They were sent out into the world to fend for themselves. They are all grown up now, parents, grandparents themselves. One of them died young, the ones who drifted off into drugs and alcohol grew up at long last and stopped abusing their bodies. They learned to be who they are, nothing more, nothing less, and that is OK.

Special wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Special was scary and lonely, and everyone wants to belong to someone. So the special children became grown-ups and discovered that being themselves was the most special thing they could be. Because when you learn to love yourself, others find it easier to love you. Being loved is all the special children ever really needed anyway.

A little drop of courage

So, this morning I was meditating, praying and seeking guidance from my Higher Power. There are some really difficult challenges and obstacles in my life right now, and I spend as much time as I can meditating, listening for the voice that has never let me down. Sometimes, I hear the voice out loud, sometimes I have to listen really hard.

Many times Spirit has send me encouragement. This morning my encouragement came from an interesting source.This morning I have a bit of a tickle in my  throat. So I reached for a cough drop. Now the brand of cough drops I picked up a few weeks ago is the one whose commercials have been promising a pep talk in every drop. The wrappers of each drop have little sayings on them. Just short, quick little pep talks...
Bet on yourself.
Turn can do into can did.
Seize the day.

Well, you get the idea. So today when I grabbed a drop as I started to unwrap it I  noticed a saying I hadn't seen before...You've survived tougher...and it really just hit me between the eyes! Like it was written just for me to see today. Just three little words, You've survived tougher. I stopped and thought and immediately felt stronger.

Now, as I look at those 3 words, I wonder which way I should approach. If I think of it as meaning that I have survived things that were a lot harder. My current circumstances are still part of the consequences of my husband being killed by a drunk driver.  So, yes I have survived the unexpected loss of my spouse. I survived the next year when it seemed as if everything that could go wrong did. I am struggling to remain afloat financially while I find a way to move forward and take care of us.

In my life, I have survived many things, an abusive childhood, years lost to drugs and alcohol and the less than intelligent choices made then, health concerns, poverty, etc. I have survived more things than most people ever encounter. As I look back on those things, I remember a time when it was all I could do to survive. But then, there came a time in my life when it became important to me to do more than survive. It was a matter of surviving and thriving.So, now as I see those 3 words I see them with different meaning. I have survived, tougher. That old saying,"what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" really does come into play as you move through the challenges and obstacles that life throws your way.

As you face each challenge or obstacle you will have to find a way through. Perhaps you will have to find a way over, under, or around. You may just have to breakthrough. As you are in the midst of each challenge, you sometimes forget that you have the skills to overcome. That is when you need a little reminder, a dose of courage from outside yourself, and Creator is so good at finding imaginative, inventive ways of sending you that little bit of encouragement. A call or note from a friend, a souvenir sitting on a desk, or even the wrapper from a cough drop. You've survived tougher, and because you have, you will survive this!! 

Peace and Blessings,
EstherBelle

What did you want to be when you grew up?

What did you want to be when you grew up? I would think that answer would depend a lot on when and where that growing up was taking place. I have cousins who were married at 14 and 15. Now you see why my dad thought I was an old maid.

Did you want to be a cowboy, a fireman, an astronaut, a doctor or nurse, a teacher? Did you want to be a rock star, or a movie star?

I knew a little girl once who wanted to be a 'cowgirl ballerina'. She and her mom would stop at the store after her dance class, and there she was, 5 years old in her leotard and tu-tu with her pink sequined cowboy boots on. She was a lovely little girl, very brave. She would run in through the front doors looking for me to show me her newest dance step. I always, no matter how busy I was, took a moment to go through the ballet positions with her. I wonder what that looked like to the people who would watch us. At the time I weighed over 450 pounds, and here I was practicing ballet positions with a little girl in pink sequined cowboy boots. I heard the laughs, and a remark or two, but I would always make sure that I was laughing with my little friend so she didn't hear them.

Now, my little 'cowgirl ballerina' had a  Mom who was not a believer. She would say silly things like "You can't be both" or "Only skinny girls become ballerinas". My little 'cowgirl ballerina' knew that her Mom didn't believe in her dreams. She was very surprised when I thought being a 'cowgirl ballerina' was an excellent idea. Almost as surprised as those looking on were to see me doing the ballet steps .But we paid them no mind and we practised our ballet positions twice a week.

What did you want to be when you grew up? Did you have someone in your life to tell you that you could be whatever you wanted to be, or did you have someone who told you that there was no such thing as a 'cowgirl ballerina'?

If you were surrounded by the unfortunate people who were not believers, I am so very sorry. They were wrong, you know.They were acting out of their own lack of knowledge, because they never met someone who told them the truth. And that is very sad. But, I truly believe that people do the best they can, that they often just don't know any better and that if they knew better they would do better. I honestly believe that, and so I am able to forgive those who didn't believe. But, I am telling you that it wasn't true. Whatever reason they gave that led you to believe that you couldn't be anything you wanted, was not true. No one ever told them any better.

Sometimes we are lucky to have families of believers. Sometimes we have to meet believers in the grocery store after dance class. Sometimes we have to simply be our own believers. Yeah, I know, you are all grown up now, so what's the use. Hah! It is never too late to start dreaming. Never. You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up. It might be a little more challenging the older you get, but never impossible. I'll bet you anything google can find you a pair of pink sequined cowboy boots!

So, what do you want to be when  you grow up? Me, I want to practice ballet steps with a cowgirl ballerina.

Never SAY Never

Words. We can use them in so many ways. We can use them to build up or we can use them to tear down. One of the ways we use them to our detriment is in a way that we don't even notice we are doing. I call these words 'invisible vows' and usually we are trying to protect ourselves when we use these words.  I think of Scarlett O'Hara, tired and dirty Swearing to the world and herself  "As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again!" Those words altered the way she lived, altered the choices she made in life, caused her to makes choices based on her need to make sure she got ahead no matter who she had to step on to get there.

Now,most of us don't go as far as Scarlett did in our quest to keep ourselves safe. But we make these types of vows regularly, most of the time unaware of them. We make choices in our lives that aren't always in our best interest. If after we have lived through the bad choice we tell ourselves "I'll never let anyone hurt me like that again." That sounds like a good thing. Unless, that vow keeps us from letting anyone get close to us. We build a wall to hide behind so that no one can get in, because if we let someone in then we are vulnerable to being hurt.The only way to keep from getting hurt is to keep from being vulnerable. But then no one gets close enough to us to love us. So now we start to think that no one loves us because we are unlovable.

Some of us use our weight as a wall to hide behind. It is true that in our culture we often become invisible the more we weigh. So we build this wall that keeps us safe. Except it keeps us safe by keeping us imprisoned. We start to believe that we have no worth. We start to believe that we deserve less than the best the world has to offer. We then start to treat ourselves as undeserving.

One of the great paradoxes in our lives is that SELF ESTEEM is often based on our perception of what others think of us. I believe the world uses our estimation of our worth as the yardstick by which it measures us. If we see ourselves as unworthy, unlovable then the world will accept that estimation and treat us accordingly.

So, the words that replay themselves in our heads have built up a wall that imprisons us and keeps us from connecting with the world around us.As we learn to replace those words we can use new words to tear down those walls. When an old tape starts to play in our head we can literally say STOP! Say it out loud if you have to. Say STOP! Ask yourself it thats' the truth, and erase the old words and replace them with the truth. So if we are kept from stepping out because in our Head we hear "You can't do that, you're fat." We say "STOP! That is not true. Being overweight is not a character flaw, I deserve to experience the best in life." We can do this, over and over and erase all of those old vows. We can learn the truth. We are beautiful, deserving, worthy children of Most High. It takes work, but we can tear down those walls.We are worth the hard work!

courage

I've been thinking about this great quote my friend  Nancie B. posted on facebook recently,

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.' " - Mary Anne Radmacher

To encourage is to give courage, so that when you encourage someone you give them the courage to make their choices. Sometimes you can encourage someone without even realizing it. When you choose to live in the moment, every person that comes across your path is an opportunity for the spirit that resides in you to interact with their spirit. Sometimes you come away encouraged and sometimes you encourage them.

One day when I was working at the grocery store a lovely young woman stopped me and asked if I had a moment. She wanted to thank me for something I had said to her. Apparently she checked out through me about a year earlier. The person I took care of just before her was someone that I reached out to. I spent a few extra moments with this person, engaging them in conversation about their life. When I turned to this young woman, I smiled and apologized for taking the extra time and then I said, as I have said many times "You never know what battles the other person may be fighting." Then I asked how her day was as I checked out her groceries. Then I told her that she had a beautiful smile and that she should remember to smile, because God loves to see her smile.

The truth is, as she told me this story I had no memory of her. It sounded like something I would do and say,but this young woman and that specific conversation just were not in my memory. She went on to say that she had been having a difficult day, but that in reminding her to smile I helped her put things in perspective. She said she rarely shopped in our store because it wasn't near her house, but that seeing me again made her want to share with me that my seemingly off hand comments had made a difference in her life and she just wanted me to know that.

I thanked her for speaking to me, because I needed to know that something I said made a difference. We choose how we interact with others. We choose to be kind and cheerful, or to be diffident and aloof, but whatever our choice we do not make it alone. I believe that there is in all of us a space that can only be filled by the Spirit of God. So we always have access to that Spirit. As people of faith we know God as that in which we live and move and have our being. So if we have access the the Spirit of God we have help in keeping our choices for our good. If our choices in how we interact with each other, are for our good, then they will be for the good of those we come across in our day to day experiences.

If a grocery cashier can remind a young woman that life is good by treating customers with respect and caring, then it doesn't take a lot of effort to encourage someone, and if we can do that they might find the strength to try again tomorrow. Just a little effort makes a big difference. If we commit to focusing on what is good in ourselves we will be able to share that with others. God is within us and all around us, and we need to remind ourselves of that.

We  need to take the opportunity this winter season gives us to find the good in ourselves. The good of who am I, why am I, where am I going can be found in just being. When we are being true to ourselves and our God we will choose to be in the moment with everyone we meet, and in doing so we can encourage them so that they can get quiet and hear that small voice that helps them to know that they can try again tomorrow.

Peace and Blessings,
EstherBelle