Breathe, Christmas is Coming

The quote for the day is...
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.~~Erma Bombeck~~

Now, when you read that do not think, oh dear, that is so right. Think, I am a child,I have always been someone's child, and I deserve to believe that I am a beautiful, wonderful, worthwhile individual with so much to offer myself and those I love. The most important things I have to offer have nothing to do with the house being spotless, or the decorations being Martha Stewart worthy, or the Christmas dinner being course after course of delicious. What I have to offer is the heart of a worthwhile person. A heart that knows that I am intelligent, and caring, and worthy of treating myself well. A heart that is able to be a better mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend because I know my value.

Think good things! I can't tell you how many times I have to remind myself of this. Thinking good things will keep me rooted in the now, the present, living in the moment in a way that I can remember that this moment will never come again.  The floors need swept, the dishes need washed,so garner up pleasant thoughts. So grab onto any pleasant thought that passes, store it away in your memory where you can bring it out when you need something to remind that life is good. Something to remind you of all that you are, and all that you can be. There is in every one of us the ability to give beyond reason. To care beyond hope. To love without limit. To reach, stretch, and dream, in spite of your fears. There is in each of us the ability to give beyond reason, and we do so every day when we take time to encourage and uplift each other. The ability to care beyond hope, as we come together to pray and care about the concerns of each, we expect the best outcome beyond the hope of the seen into the hope of the unseen. We love without limit. All of my friends  from around the world who found each other , loving each other through the day no matter what obstacles and challenges come our way. Reach, stretching, dreaming, knowing that there is a place where we can share those dreams and be encouraged to make them come true.Yes, acquire those pleasant thoughts, store them up, use them liberally to remember, that life indeed is good, and so are you!!

Take time today to rest, even though you have things to do. Take some time to get at least a few moments with yourself, and remind yourself that a confident, loving smile is worth more than anything you can possibly accomplish today. Remind yourself that when we wake up on Christmas morning we are all someone's child, and relax and enjoy the day, no matter the circumstances. CHOOSE to believe in yourself, CHOOSE to hear only the truth about yourself from yourself and others, CHOOSE to remember who you are and nothing else can take that wonder away from the day. Relax, refresh your spirit, and wake up Christmas morning with the eyes and heart of a child!

Peace and Blessings,
 EB


P.S. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there,just in case. I told a friend once who was embarrassed about asking for help that if we don't make our needs known how does anyone ever know we have needs.The William and I are struggling,and just as embarrassed I am pointing out the button.We are continually blessed.

Need some Thanksgiving?

Sometimes it is difficult to feel thankful. I have days when I am just a big old bottomless pit of envy, bitterness, resentment,and downright crankyass misery. I try to not have those days often,they are exhausting.

But,even when I am the world's worst crank,I know better. I know that even though life is a struggle,and difficult beyond measure, I have things I am truly thankful for.

I have an amazing son. We've spent a couple of years now just trying to keep him alive.He has to tolerate medical interventions that his autistic brain really isn't even capable of processing .He hates to be touched and yet he has to put up with being touched.He does it with quiet strength and reserves we only suspected he was capable of.Things most of us take for granted can be difficult for him,but he perseveres and deals with the challenges. He is my hero-most days.

I have a community of friends--most of whom I have never met in person. Which I am old enough to find amazing. Who could have imagined 30-40-50 years ago that the majority of women I consider my dearest friends are people I have met in online communities? Kind of boggles the mind.Smart,caring, kind, incredibly generous friends for whom I am eternally thankful. 

AND I have me. Now, I ain't worth claiming some days. But,I'm what I have, for what it's worth.

I wrote this 10 years ago and it still rings true to me today...

The quote for today...

I am an indestructible fortress,
I am an unassailable rock,
I am a precious jewel.
--Ancient Irish Prayer

 I think that is where I get my strength. Now, I am not saying to you that I don't have days where I am nothing but a quivering mass of jello, but what I do have is an innate belief that I am indestructible. In fact, I am fond of saying, you can't kill me it's been tried.

OK, so I know that is a slight exaggeration but most humor is. What I am saying is that I am strong enough to withstand what the world has to throw at me. We all are, some of us may not know it yet, and one of the things I try to do is to help people see this truth about themselves. If we believe we have the strength to take what the world is handing out, then we journey forth into the world in a much different manner. Our very presence changes. Our posture is taller, our countenance brighter. We shine like the precious jewel we are. Now where do jewels come from, with the exception of pearls, most things that we consider precious jewels come from the earth, from dirt and rock, created by great pressure.Not the most glamorous of beginnings So it would seem to me that the more the world throws at us, the more we manage to crawl our way through as more than a survivor, as a victor, the more precious jewel we become. Even pearls start out in an unglamorous place. Now as much as I enjoy an appetizer of oysters on the half shell, it isn't a pleasant thing to look at.But look at how that oyster reacted to an irritant that it couldn't get rid of, it surrounded that irritating little grain of sand, piece of debris, with beauty.And a precious jewel was created from irritation and probably a lot of pain.


So, I am going to take my cranky ass in hand and try to be more than thankful.

Peace and Blessings,

EB


P.S. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there,just in case. I told a friend once who was embarrassed about asking for help that if we don't make our needs known how does anyone ever know we have needs.The William and I are struggling,and just as embarrassed I am pointing out the button.We are continually blessed.

gas prices and a reason to smile

So, we filled up the gas tank Friday. We haven't filled up in a while, mainly we tend to get a few dollars worth when we have to.Fortunately (or unfortunately) we don't get out much and so we manage to keep from running out of gas--by the skin of our teeth some months.

 Friday we had to have gas, the low gas light came on, and we had planned on the gas station as one of our errands anyway. We have a fuel rewards card from the grocery store we shop regularly,and we had been watching the gauge and the prices--because truthfully, it often seems if we need gas and we stop to get some the next time we are out the price has dropped...or if we decide to wait until the next errand day, the price has gone up. Its all futile, gas is one of those things you have to buy--no matter what the price is or how far behind you are on your other bills.

BUT, this time, we got lucky, we had a good amount on our fuel saver card, and it was payday, and the price had gone down a couple of pennies.

Now, I don't pump gas--that is my sons job,and he is very methodical about it. The last thing he says before starting to pump is "I have to ask, how much." Then I usually give him a dollar amount and he is always right on the penny.

Friday, with the reasonable prices and the discount I debated, and told him to go ahead and fill it up. He chuckled and said "You now what that means."

The young man in the pick-up next to us overheard our conversation and asked "What does it mean?"

"Well, it often means with our luck the prices will go down." I answered. "But we don't use a lot of gas, so it is a chance we have to take." Then while my son pumped gas, this young man and I had a nice chat about the weather, and weekend sports.

He finished filling his pick-up, and as he was getting in the car said "Enjoy the nice weather, and thanks for filling up. I drive over 200 miles a day in my job, and if you filling up causes the price to go down, I will be grateful. I'll think of you next time I get gas."

Now there are several things to enjoy about the conversation. First, I don't get to chat with strangers all that often,  I don't get out much. Second, how nice that the next time this young man gets gas he will think of me when he looks at the price, and for some reason that makes me smile.

Connecting with other human beings-even if just for a moment at the gas station-is always a great way to enjoy the day!

Peace and Blessings,
EB


p.s. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there, just in case. I told a friend who was embarrassed about asking for help that if we don't make our needs known how does anyone ever know we have needs. So, just as embarrassed, I am pointing out the button. Blessings.

Good Bye August

and quite frankly, good riddance. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Hello September, please realize that August was just a meanie that hung around way too long and kicked our butts and we would like you to be especially nice to make up for it.

September already? How did that happen? AND Labor Day is on the 1st this year, so not only is it already September, it is unofficially the end of summer. Good. Summer has been a bitch lately. In fact, it would not hurt my feelings if we just struck the last week of August from the calendar. It's a hard week, it's the week I buried my husband. This year it's the week a dear friend lost her mother and another dear one her mother-in-law.

It's the week I ran out of money and had to tell my son we couldn't buy groceries. But, he's a trouper, this is how part of the conversation went...

Me: It's hard the last week of the months some months. Sometimes it seems like it takes a while for the universe to provide.

Son: Did you tell the universe we have paypal?

Hey, you can get through anything when your kid makes you smile! I posted that on facebook -we call these snippets of conversation Williamisms-and I got to share with another friend who is also struggling with money issues. 

Being poor is hard work sometimes. No matter what anyone tells you (and I try to not pay attention) poor folks are not living like kings. We are managing as best we can, and we are scared to death most weeks that there will be an emergency. When something breaks, we learn to live without it. When the computer that is your lifeline to the outside world is on its last leg you hold your breath every day. When you lose 270 pounds, you just tighten the elastic and keep wearing the same old clothes. Because that is what poor people do. We just tighten our belts until there is no more space for new notches.

But, it's OK, because there are far more important things in life than things and there are always reasons to smile. My friend with money problems and I got to laugh with each other, because when I posted the Williamism, she shared her struggle. Her last week of August need. She  managed to scrounge up enough money to buy butter and toilet tissue. 

Of course, my  mind immediately smiled,and I got to laugh. Immediately wondering what recipe you could come up with for buttered toilet tissue! Then that reminded me of days working as a cashier and remembering other incongruous items that people bought together.Yes, your cashier might talk about you, but we aren't judging, we are smiling. Like the time the Mayor of our fair city came through my line one Friday afternoon and purchased a couple of bottles of wine and several packages of light bulbs. I admit I did ask what kind of party they were having at the Mayor's house.

So, even though we all struggle, there are always moments to share. The important things in life are always available. A son with a quip, a friend with a story you can smile at.

So, bring it on September. Even if we have to choose whether to buy groceries or pay bills, even if we have to lay hands on the computer and pray it keeps going, we will always be able to find something to make us smile.

"The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it.You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache."~~Marjorie Pay Hinckley.

So, welcome September! I am ready, I will greet you with a laugh and a smile.Be nice, because August just needed to leave, it's not nearly as lovely as you are.

Oh, and if you have a recipe for buttered toilet tissue...

Empathy

When did we lose the ability to empathize with people?

Last month when the weather should have been spring like, and we were still in the grip of what felt like Narnia winter I posted on facebook what I thought was a joke about being behind on the gas bill...

Dear Mother Nature,
It's the middle of MAY-I don't care how many shares of Missouri Gas Energy you have in your retirement portfolio-I am NOT turning the heat on today. 
Sincerely,
Shivering under a quilt

Dear Mother Nature,
It's May 16. 36 degrees and a frost advisory, seriously? I'll need to find a corner and a cardboard sign to ever catch up on funding your retirement.
Signed,
Shivering

One of my 'friends' messaged me that they would be unfriending me because I was 'whining about being poor again.' Granted, I am not always as funny as I think I am, but 'unfriend' me for a couple of jokes about the weather?

Recently, on a message board I frequent a woman who is being treated for breast cancer vented about the paperwork needed to apply for medical financial assistance, and another poster went off on her. How dare she whine about wanting charity. She called her an ingrate and churlish. Seriously. Of course in the resulting conversation we find out that the one calling the cancer patient out had received 'financial assistance' in the past. So, for her it was 'financial assistance', but for someone else it was 'charity'.

So how did we get to the place where I can't joke about the weather or my financial problems without being considered a whiner, or a cancer patient can't vent without being shamed for needing help?

"Empathy is really the opposite of spiritual meanness. It's the capacity to understand that every war is both won and lost. And that someone else's pain is as meaningful as your own."~~Barbara Kingsolver

Empathy goes many directions. When we lose the ability to empathize, we not only lose the ability to understand and share when people are having hard times, we lose the ability to be joyful when they are being blessed. And I think that, leads to what Barbara Kingsolver describes as spiritual meanness.

So, do I need to not make jokes about my hard times? A sense of humor (and some awesome friends) helps me get through the days. Do we need to censor and not share our frustrations for fear that some else in our community has lost the ability to empathize? That won't work for me.

What will work for me is to remind myself and others that even though life is hard, I will get caught up some day because my list of blessings is longer than my list of troubles-even on days I can't see that.

So, I am sorry to have lost a friend. I wish I could have taught her to laugh with me. Because the truth is being behind on the gas bill, or having a really bare pantry because money is tight may be a problem. But, losing the ability to empathize is a far worse affliction.

The truth is in that old saying...Shared joy is joy doubled. Shared sorrow is sorrow halved. THAT is empathy in a nutshell!

Peace and Blessings,
EB

The Balm Dealio!!

So, the other day on a message board I visit, someone called out to tell me "Can I just say that you rock?" I really hadn't done anything special, just share some thoughts, but this person appreciated them enough to let me know. I thanked her nicely, and said "Kind words are a balm." Which prompted the phrase "The Balm Dealio" from another poster. All very life affirming, and for someone who is struggling with so much-health, finances, etc.-a welcome balm.

A balm is usually defined as a fragrant ointment or preparation used to heal or soothe the skin. But, so many times our healing needs are more than skin deep, and so it seems to me, that words-which can reach our mind and spirit can indeed be used as a balm. In this day and age where all too many feel the need to use negative words, it is always a welcome balm to receive positive thoughts.

Today's quote...
The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated.
--William James

Everyone has this need. No matter what we do we need someone to notice. We don't need some big parade (but wouldn't that be fun) we don't need to win awards (but there is a space on the shelf for them) we don't need billboards on the highway. We just need someone to say they noticed, or say thank you once in a while. The best way to attract this to your life is to practice this with others. Try it, you will be amazed at the response you get. If a coworker does something for you, say thank you, I appreciate that. If you are standing in the line at the grocery store and you see someone wearing a fabulous pin, say something. I guarantee you will receive a smile in return, and someone will say thank you to you.They may just say Thank you, but what they will really mean is thank you for noticing, thank you for appreciating my taste in jewelry. It will make them feel better, and you will feel appreciated in return. Most importantly, look in the mirror and say thank you to yourself. Appreciate who you are. Appreciate the choices you are making to become healthier. Appreciate the choices you are learning to make to become stronger. Appreciate that there isn't another person on the earth like you . You are unique. Unique in your experiences, unique in your talents, unique in your infinite possibilities. Appreciate that. Say thank you to yourself by making the best choices you can in this moment. Do something spectacular for yourself, no one deserves it more.

So to everyone who reads my thoughts, I appreciate you more than you can know. You are my rock stars, and THAT is indeed the Balm Dealio!!!

Peace and Blessings,

EB

Signs of Spring

So, it's the first day of spring. Surprisingly, the weather is spring like (yes, the 's' word is in the forecast on Monday-nut it could change) with 68 degrees and a bit windy. It's about time. It has felt like Narnia around here-and that may be part of why I was busy having a pity- party of one this morning. I'm behind on the gas and electric, because as my son has suggested we think Mother Nature has probably invested her retirement funds in utilities and is gleeful at the huge bills we have racked up this winter.

But, anyway, I was sitting in my kitchen feeling very sorry for myself. It's hard being stressed over things sometimes. So, there i am-having mopped the kitchen, and opening the patio door to let the fresh air in-sitting, feeling decidedly sorry for myself when I look up and see a teeny-tiny little spring miracle.

I have an orange tree in my kitchen. I have been really worried about it living through the winter, the former upstairs neighbors drenched it with bleach water last year,and it looks pretty dead. It is the orange tree my son grew from a seed, so I have kept watering it, watching the branches die, and the few remaining leaves fall. I'm kind of stubborn that way. I honestly felt it was a losing cause, but this is my son's orange tree that should not have grown from that seed anyway.

So, sitting there, feeling sorry for myself, and I look at the tree. The mostly dead, sad looking tree. and there amid the dead branches I see it, new growth. Teeny tiny new leaves, 6 sets in all.

So, thank you universe for adjusting my attitude. I am still worried about money, still worried about a lot of things, but Spring has SPRUNG!!! New leaves have grown, our orange tree hasn't given up yet--and so I guess neither will I.

So, even if it snows on Monday (or like last year in May) I choose to believe in the signs of Spring!!

Never too old to learn

The quote for today...

Youth is the time for the adventure of the body, but age for the triumphs of the mind.~~Logan Pearsall Smith~~

As I contemplate the obstacles and challenges of late middle age, and my mobility has become an issue, I take great pleasure in this quote. I did have amazing adventures in my youth that required me to be physically able. I have done everything I ever wanted to do, been places that I never dreamed I would go. I may not be as able to do things physically, but my mind has never stopped taking me on adventures. As I continue in my journey, it is my mind and spirit that allow me to rise above a body racked with pain and disease and continue to soar and grow and experience. It is my mind and spirit that keep me studying and learning and growing in my journey. The triumph of age is that we are never to old to learn, to seek new adventures of spirit, no matter what is happening with our physical bodies. So, it is important that we take the best care we can of ourselves. Make the healthiest choices we can everyday, so that we can continue in our journey, meeting the challenges of our physical needs in such a way that we will be able to live triumphantly!!

Well, that's what I'm telling myself anyway!!

Peace and Blessings,
EB

My Wish For Us All

My wish for us all...

The quote for today is...
Garner up pleasant thoughts in your mind, for pleasant thoughts make pleasant lives.~~John Wilkins~~

Think good things! I can't tell you how many times I have to remind myself of this. Thinking good things will keep me rooted in the now, the present, living in the moment in a way that I can remember that this moment will never come again. Recognizing that our Higher Power is here, right now moving through our everyday activities, no matter how trivial they might seem. The floors need swept, there is a chance to speak to your Higher Power as you move the broom back and forth. I love using the rhythms of life to take a moment to slip into a quick meditation. The dishes need washed, right there is a moment to be thankful for the bounty that provides food in excess. Yes, in excess. One of my favorite spiritual practices is baking bread. I have prayers that fit perfectly the rhythm of kneading dough.
Yes garner up pleasant thoughts. Garner means to gather into storage, to earn, to accumulate, to acquire by effort. So grab onto any pleasant thought that passes, store it away in your memory where you can bring it out when you need something to remind that life is good. Something to remind you of all that you are, and all that you can be. There is in every one of us the ability to give beyond reason. To care beyond hope. To love without limit. To reach, stretch, and dream, in spite of your fears. There is in each of us the ability to give beyond reason, and we do so every day when we take time to encourage and uplift each other. The ability to care beyond hope, as we come together to pray and care about the concerns of each, we expect the best outcome beyond the hope of the seen into the hope of the unseen. We love without limit. All of my friends  from around the world who found each other , loving each other through the day no matter what obstacles and challenges come our way. Reach, stretching, dreaming, knowing that there is a place where we can share those dreams and be encouraged to make them come true.Yes, acquire those pleasant thoughts, store them up, use them liberally to remember, that life indeed is good, and so are you!!

Peace and Blessings,
EB
 

A Look at What's Going Right

Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.~~Marianne Williamson~~

I think we have to be aware of how very blessed we are. When the going gets rough it is so easy to think that things have always been hard and they won't ever not be. But, the truth is no matter how hard life is, life is good, and we need to remember to find the joy. When I used to speak to groups I can always tell which ones are thinking "But you don't know how hard my life is" I tell them "Ah, but I do.If we list your problems on one side of the blackboard and mine on the other, I guarantee I win, my list will be longer." But, my list of blessings is longer still, and I am trying make it a point to not let the troubles keep me from remembering that.

So, what is going right in my life? Well, I have been losing weight this year. Now that may not sound like a really big deal to some, but for me it is part of a lifelong struggle with weight. I was thin one day, in my life. It was a day in June way too many decades ago. i weighed 5 pounds even the day I was born, and at 23 inches long that made me a very skinny baby. Trouble was by my 3 week checkup-according to my baby book- I weighed 15 pounds.By the time I was 11 I weighed 300 pounds. So, this struggle to maintain a reasonable weight started early for me.

Now, over the years I have lost weight many times, many, many times. I then of course gained it all back and more. So, much to my surprise when I finally decided to try Weight Watchers some years ago, I managed to stop gaining all the weigh back after I lost it.

Nw that is not to say my journey on Weight Watchers has been a straight line. It has indeed had it's ups and downs. I have managed however to maintain a large weight loss.

I have taken a couple of major detours--my husband was killed by a drunk driver and I went on the Double Stuff Oreo diet for months, regained about half the weight I had lost.  Got back on track and lost it again, then I broke my leg, my son got sick, I lost my job and my home, and I spent last fall struggling with depression and regained some weight.

So, in January I got back on track.

I am struggling mightily these days with money problems, and it would be so easy to comfort myself with food. BUT, in times when everything is going wrong and out of control I have finally learned that the only thing I can control is what, when, and how much I CHOOSE to eat. And that surprisingly has been very liberating for me in my struggles with my weight.

So, this morning when I weighed in I lost another pound, and I am trying hard to find something to be happy about so this is it. I am ONE pound away from my lowest weight ever in the last 30 years.

So, I am indulging myself by looking at pictures to see if I can see a difference. Wanna see?

When I got married i weighed about 450 pounds....

My highest weight was about 490 a year or so later. Then I had some health issues-not weight related-and needed to lose some weight so I joined Weight Watchers and over the next few years lost 200+ pounds.

This is what I looked like when my husband was killed, I weighed about 300 pounds...

Then I went on that Double Stuff Oreo diet and gained 60-70 pounds, back to about 368 pounds...

That lasted for a while, and I got myself back on track again and lost those pounds and a few more, I got down to about 260 pounds...

I maintained that for a while, and then went through the health issues with my son, breaking my leg,losing my job, losing my house and last falls severe depression. Of course I gained some weight back, not all of it, but I got back up to 348 pounds (the good thing is I have managed to not gain back to where I was during any of these detours...

So in January I got back on track, and this is where I am now...252 pounds, one pound away from my lowest ever weight of 251...

So, I have lots of blessings I can think on...

I have good friends (some of whom you can see in the pictures), I have an amazing kid, and I am in control of what, when, and how much I choose to eat. I hope, no I PLAN to lose about 25-30 more pounds and work on maintaining that through thick and thin (in a manner of speaking) and whatever troubles come our way.

BUT,
Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.~~Marianne Williamson

 And today I choose to recognize the things that are going right!!

Peace and Blessings,
EB

p.s. I do have generous wonderful friends,and I am getting closer and closer to having the money to fix the car issues, if you feel led to share the paypal button is on the right.
















 

Finish Each Day

I have a bad attitude today. That is really unlike me, life is hard, but even though I struggle with depression, that is different than just being in a bad mood. So,needing an attitude adjustment I went looking through the files of things I have written, ands this one from 6 years ago spoke to me today.

So, here it is, letting go of yesterday and concentrarting on today--in other words remembering to live in the moment!!

Today's quote....
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as
soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely
and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.~~ Ralph Waldo Emerson~~

Well, sure seems like that was written just for those of us with weight issues learning to stick with a program. Finish each day and be done with it. Do not let the choices you made yesterday keep you from making the best choices you can today. Having weight issues is not a character flaw. We are not bad people, second class citizens because we sometimes slip up and make wrong choices when it comes to eating. So, if yesterday you slipped into some old habits, it has nothing to do with today. What we are pushing towards is progress, not perfection. All too many of us are perfectionists, all or nothing types, who if we slip off the program for a bit, throw our hands in the air and compound the mistake. We conclude that if we can't be perfect we just might as well not try. One of the most important lessons we need to learn is that when it comes to losing weight, we don't HAVE to be perfect. In fact, if we manage to stay on program three fourths of the time we still end up having lost weight in the long run. So, no matter what yesterday brought, start today with an eager anticipation, not based on "old nonsense" but based on today being a new day!!! Begin it well!!

Peace and Blessings,
EB

From Tragedy comes a friendship

So, a few weeks ago I got a message from a friend. She was thinking of us and wondered if I would like to go out for lunch on Saturday. Well, of course I would-I don't get out much these days and I am always ready to have lunch with a friend! Her invitation was eagerly accepted, and her thinking of us was gratefully acknowledged. She was thinking of us because it was the anniversary of my husbands death.

So the day after the anniversary I had a lovely lunch with my friend and her family. This week, she messaged me again, and I spent a beautiful morning with my friend and her 13 month old daughter. We went to the park, we stopped for lunch, and we enjoyed each others company. It is good to have friends.

I will most likely never have grandchildren, so I don't get to spend much time in the company of babies or toddlers. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love little ones, so I am doubly grateful to my friend that she gives me the opportunity to spend time with her baby.

All of this is a good thing, but the really amazing thing is how she and I became friends.

My husband was killed by a drunk driver. I've said before,in our case the words 'drunk driver' mean a 22 year old girl. A young woman with her entire life before her. Recently graduated from college, with honors. From all reports, she was a goal oriented, studious college student.She is very close to her family, she goes to church on Sunday. After her May graduation she went to work, as an accountant and moved into her own apartment.

My friend worked with the young woman who killed my husband. She and some of her co-workers were very angry with the young woman, and they decided they wanted to know more about the man she killed. So, somehow, they tracked me down to the thread I post daily on the Weight Watchers message boards. Don't ask me how, apparently young people are way more computer savvy than me. Anyway, my friend was the one who posted a message to me on that thread.

We entered into an email correspondence, and then we met for coffee, and then we had lunch, and we kept in touch and became friends. She is a  lovely young woman with a good husband and an adorable daughter. Truth is, if you saw us together you would probably assume we are related, she has the same redhead coloring and freckles that I do. Her daughter probably looks like I could be her grandmother to people who see us together. This makes me happy.

I firmly believe we can't have too many friends in our lives, and I also believe that sometimes people are  brought to our lives for a reason. Now, I don't know why my friend needs me, but I know that she gives me the opportunity to love a new friend, and to spend time with and adore that precious daughter of hers.

It is amazing isn't it, a tragic situation steals the love of my life from me, plunges me into financial ruin that is unending,  and yet brings me a new friend with a child I can love. When I think about that I can't be untouched. In the midst of tragedy, a gift. For that I am grateful beyond words.I am reminded that precious jewels-and what is more precious than friendship-come from great adversity.



I am an indestructible fortress,
I am an unassailable rock,
I am a precious jewel.
--Ancient Irish Prayer

 I am not saying to you that I don't have days where I am nothing but a quivering mass of jello, but what I do have is an innate belief that I am indestructible. In fact, I am fond of saying, you can't kill me it's been tried.OK, so I know that is a slight exaggeration but most humor is. What I am saying is that I am strong enough to withstand what the world has to throw at me. If we believe we have the strength to take what the world is handing out, then we journey forth into the world in a much different manner. Our very presence changes. Our posture is taller, our countenance brighter. We shine like the precious jewel we are. Now where do jewels come from, with the exception of pearls, most things that we consider precious jewels come from the earth, from dirt and rock, created by great pressure.Not the most glamorous of beginnings So it would seem to me that the more the world throws at us, the more we manage to crawl our way through as more than a survivor, as a victor, the more precious jewel we become. Even pearls start out in an unglamorous place. Now as much as I enjoy an appetizer of oysters on the half shell, it isn't a pleasant thing to look at.But look at how that oyster reacted to an irritant that it couldn't get rid of, it surrounded that irritating little grain of sand, piece of debris, with beauty.And a precious jewel was created from irritation and probably a bit of pain.

So, out of the ashes a precious jewel of friendship has been created.Is there something hard in your life that you can look at and find the jewels? It is my experience they are there. And for that I am truly thankful.

Peace and Blessings,
EB

p.s.-if you are led to share to help us get the car fixed the paypal button is always there to the right. I hate asking, but asking for help is a lesson I am trying to learn.


 

Looking UP!

Finally, some good news. The Social Security people have decided that I am indeed disabled and eligible for benefits!! Thank you to all who have sent good thoughts, prayers, energies, and those who have helped financially. I don't know yet when or how much the benefits will be, but I am breathing a huge sigh of relief. Now to not have anymore utilities turned off between now and whenever the benefits begin!!!

More good stuff-I started writing a book in 2007. I worked on it, and figure I got about half finished before my husband was killed, and my life turned upside down. I have been working on it again. Not writing anything new, just going back over the things I wrote in the past, and changing a word or two. It feels like a huge step forward. This is from July 2007...

The quote for today... I am an indestructible fortress, I am an unassailable rock, I am a precious jewel. --Ancient Irish Prayer Ah, the Irish in me, I think that's where I get my strength. Now, I am not saying to you that I don't have days where I am nothing but a quivering mass of jello, but what I do have is an innate belief that I am indestructible. In fact, I am fond of saying, you can't kill me it's been tried.OK, so I know that is a slight exaggeration but most humor is. What I am saying is that I am strong enough to withstand what the world has to throw at me. We all are, some of us may not know it yet, and one of the things I try to do is to help people see this truth about themselves. If we believe we have the strength to take what the world is handing out, then we journey forth into the world in a much different manner. Our very presence changes. Our posture is taller, our countenance brighter. We shine like the precious jewel we are. Now where do jewels come from, with the exception of pearls, most things that we consider precious jewels come from the earth, from dirt and rock, created by great pressure.Not the most glamorous of beginnings So it would seem to me that the more the world throws at us, the more we manage to crawl our way through as more than a survivor, as a victor, the more precious jewel we become. Even pearls start out in an unglamorous place. Now as much as I enjoy an appetizer of oysters on the half shell, it isn't a pleasant thing to look at.But look at how that oyster reacted to an irritant that it couldn't get rid of, it surrounded that irritating little grain of sand, piece of debris, with beauty.And a precious jewel was created from irritation and probably a bit of pain.

Say Thank You!

Today's quote...
The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated.
--William James

Everyone has this need. No matter what we do we need someone to notice. We don't need some big parade (but wouldn't that be fun) we don't need to win awards (but there is a space on the shelf for them) we don't need billboards on the highway. We just need someone to say they noticed, or say thank you once in a while. The best way to attract this to your life is to practice this with others. Try it, you will be amazed at the response you get. If a coworker does something for you, say thank you, I appreciate that. If you are standing in the line at the grocery store and you see someone wearing a fabulous pin, say something. I guarantee you will receive a smile in return, and someone will say thank you to you.They may just say Thank you, but what they will really mean is thank you for noticing, thank you for appreciating my taste in jewelry. It will make them feel better, and you will feel appreciated in return. Most importantly, look in the mirror and say thank you to yourself. Appreciate who you are. Appreciate the choices you are making to become healthier. Appreciate the choices you are learning to make to become stronger. Appreciate that there isn't another person on the earth like you . You are unique. Unique in your experiences, unique in your talents, unique in your infinite possibilities. Appreciate that. Say thank you to yourself by making the best choices you can in this moment. Do something spectacular for yourself, no one deserves it more. Thank you for reading my thoughts, I appreciate every person who visits this blog.You are the BEST!

Just a Big Ol' Girl

When I was growing up it wasn't a given that little girls would go to college and become anything they wanted to be.My father, in fact, forbid me to go to college. But, I couldn't remember a time when I didn't know that learning was my way out of a bad place.So, I schemed, and I worked out a way to get to college. See, my father was from a time when girls got married and had babies, he couldn't IMAGINE a world where girls didn't have a baby until they were in their 30's, or didn't get married until they were almost 50. But, I could.Other people's imaginations have nothing to do with your reality!


Sometimes I am my own worst enemy, we all can probably lay claim to that. I look at my circumstances, and I get frightened. I fail to see what others see in me, and so I occasionally need reminders that my reality is mine, and that even though things are hard right now, they won't always be this hard.


One of my issues is weight. Now I am just a 'big ol' girl'- as one of my four year old friends once described me. It's OK to be a 'big ol' girl' as long as you are working on being healthy. I am never going to be my cute little sister (oy, I can feel the email coming!) for one thing I am nearly a foot taller than her. For another, I have always been overweight, always. It is as much a part of me as my size 12 feet, my eyes that change color, and my blue fingernails-oh wait the fingernails is another story!


I do not have a major problem with my size, which I think you might have figured out from the title of my blog. I eat well, I exercise as much as I can, and I try to take care of myself. YES, I have some serious health issues, but not ONE of them was caused by my weight struggles.

I was thin one day in my life. It was June 28, 19mumble-mumble.The day I was born I weighed 5 lbs. 2 ozs, and was 23 inches long. A tall, s-k-i-n-n-y baby girl. My baby book lists my weight at my 3 week check-up as 15 lbs. APPARENTLY I got born and discovered that there are truly calories in the air just waiting for me to breath them in.

I have always been the Giant economy size in a trial sized world. Not an easy task as a child, but I got better at it as time goes by. I had to suffer through the well meaning mistakes of parents, friends, even doctors before I was able to decide things on my own. I remember being put on a diet at 6 years old. The doctor prescribed diet pills, which back in the 50's were as we all know,pure speed, methamphetamine. They didn't work, I stayed larger than the average child, but was very likely helped towards my abuse of drugs and alcohol a few years later.

Back in the 50's kids like me were an anomaly. I really was THE fat girl in my elementary school days. I was a giant compared to all of the other little girls, and there were some Moms in the neighborhood who would not allow their children to play with me. I was this freak of nature, and they were afraid that their kids would get hurt. I have forgiven them. My dad decided that vigorous exercise was not good for me, he was truly afraid that I might have a heart attack or something. Amazing the things that we didn't know then. My dad was honestly trying to protect me.

We have learned so much about nutrition and healthy eating since then. I remember seeing a Cook book from the late 1950's. In it was a chapter on dieting. It said you must never let the dieter feel full or satisfied. Honest, that is what it said. Apparently those of us with the genetic make-up to gain weight easier must be punished. Thankfully we have come far since then. Now we know that it is never about NOT eating, it is about learning to eat well, to come into a healthy relationship with food, and exercise to keep our bodies as healthy as we can.

So yesterday I went to my Weight Watchers  meeting. Now I am a long time Weight Watchers member, have lost over 150 pounds with the WW program and recommend it highly.You should feel free to look into it if you wish. I participated in the Weight Watchers 5K on Sunday, and posted here about that. So yesterday at our meeting, exercise was the topic.Actually the excuses we all use to not exercise was the topic. Towards the end of the meeting, my leader, the amazing Jenny, asked me to speak about my health challenges and why I thought participating was so important to me. Now, I am NEVER shy about speaking in public. [if you need a  motivational speaker, let me know!!] so I shared a bit. 

As the meeting ended and I  made my way to my car, several members stopped me and thanked me. They told me I was an inspiration. "Thank you," I said, "but I am just a fat lady with a walker." It is humbling to be told that your struggles inspire someone else.I have had a chance to think about what they said to me, and isn't that what a storyteller does? So, thank you, if I can inspire you to think about getting healthier along with me I am grateful.If I can help you realize that your reality is not limited by anyone else's opinion, or anyone's imagination but your own, then I am truly thankful. Life is one choice after another, and if sharing some of my choices, the good, the bad, the ugly, inspires someone else to think about the choices they are making, then I have the inspiration I need to continue sharing. I hope I can help you imagine a world where you are all you want to be.

This is me and my WW leader, the amazing Jenny at last year's WW5K walk. She truly inspires me, and I thank her for that often!!

Peace and Blessings,

The Fat Lady!

Mothers day

My guys were not the best shoppers. So, I would get really sweet Mother's Day gifts like a San Francisco 49'ers ink pen-we live in Kansas City and were die hard Chiefs fans. So, we began a new tradition. I would go shopping for my annuals and soil, and my guys would provide the muscle for me to spend the day planting flowers. Then rather than go out to a crowded restaurant, William would bake a Di Giorno pizza and serve dinner. It became a wonderful tradition. I loved it so much. Amazing how traditions are formed,and how important they become in our lives.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all of my followers and readers. You either are a child of a  mother or  a mother or are truly blessed to be both of those things. You may be a friend or an auntie or a neighbor who smiles, but you deserve to feel the love and respect and admiration that comes from those words.

Some Mothers may not hear those words out loud. OH, I could remind my son to say them, but it would sound forced.So, I choose to not remind him. I choose to allow myself to feel true gratitude for the gifts I have received this morning. Brother sun shines brightly in the sky, grandmother oak tree smiles down on me as I sit on the deck next to my orange tree.An 8 foot tall reminder of the faith of a small boy. I choose to feel the love and miracle in a 3 sentence conversation with my autistic young man.Now there is a gift worth treasuring. NOT that I didn't treasure the ink pen all those years ago, in fact I still have it. But I will treasure the ability to have a spontaneous conversation no matter how short or long every single moment of my life. I choose not to feel left out because i do not receive gifts or hear the words. I choose to know and believe that they are there.

I will not feel silly because I was touched by the Mothers Day greetings of a race car driver as he was interviewed in victory lane last night. I will feel the gifting. I will not feel silly that  I wept like a child when I was clicking through the photos that my little sister posted of her incredible beautiful daughters and grandchildren. I wept with joy at seeing her gifts, knowing that she and I are both wonderfully blessed and fortunate Mothers. I felt so close to her as I looked into the eyes of her grandchildren.

I choose to see all of these things as gifts and blessings. Because they are. Being able to share the gifts and blessings of others is definitely a choice, and I choose to feel gifted instead of bereft.So, blessings to all who share their gifts, and to all who can be grateful for those gifts.

Are you feeling alone today? Has someone forgot to call or write? I am so sorry. We will choose to forgive them and pray asking Most High to bless them. Recognise the gifts all around us, thank our Creator for the sunshine, or the rain, or the rainbows. If we are Mothers, thank you Most High, we are humbled by the gift of Motherhood. Thank you Most High for the gift of our mother. Happy Mothers Day to those who need to hear it.

There is a place in all of us that needs to know we belong. Thank you Most High that I know I belong to you. Help me to share that knowledge with all who know me, or have opportunity to see me in my daily life.Thank you that on this Mothers Day I can receive the gift of knowing that I am a child of a Creator who is Mother, Father,related to all, no matter how they believe. We are honored and humbled by the gift.We may forget to say it, but we are grateful.

Happy Mother's day, Most High. Thank you for the choices you provide every day.

Walking in Faith

Mr. Bill and I were engaged for 4 years. It took us one month to meet, fall in love, and promise to spend the rest of our lives together and 4 years for us to work through the issues that needed to be worked through before we made it to the altar. Well, if a table in a coffee shop in a county courthouse can be called an altar.

Now, it would be lovely if I could say that all of the issues were his, and that I was issue free. It would be lovely, but it would be untrue, and the truth is important to me!! Mr. Bill had what we referred to as the practice wives. 3 of them. I was the 4th Mrs. Bill! Mr. Bill was the first and ONLY Mr. Esther! We were in our late 40's when we met, so we had a  lot of miles between us, relationship wise, and those miles came with lots of baggage.Baggage that had to be opened and looked at and sorted through, with the detritus left behind us.

One of the things that is most surprising to me now, is the issue of independence. I was a very independent woman when we met. I had to learn to allow someone else take care of things. I had to learn that I could depend on someone. One of my major issues is that I do not ask for help. I have never been able to ask for help. I learned in my childhood that asking for help was unwise, and that there was no one I could depend on to help me. So, I grew up knowing that people were not to be depended on, not to be trusted. By the time I met my husband I was pretty much set in my ways.

So, Mr. Bill crossed the street, and we spent the next 11 plus years learning from and with each other. I learned to trust and depend on another human being. I learned that it was OK to allow someone to know me better than I knew myself. I learned to love and to be loved.

But, I am still learning to ask for help. I always think, right up to the last minute that I will come up with a solution. So, I put off asking for help until it's too late. I just know that God has a plan, and that I will hear from my Creator, telling me how to fix it. It has always worked that way.

I have always been blessed in my life. Even when times were tough, God has always provided for us. When my son was small, it seemed that we had miracle after miracle. I love to tell the stories of God's provision.

One of my favorite stories is the one we call "The toilet tissue story" We were down to our very last roll of toilet tissue. Now that seems like a really small worry in the grand scheme of things, but to a single mom raising a special needs child, sometimes its the small things that matter. We put the last roll of toilet tissue on the holder, and I knew that I did not have the money to buy a package of toilet tissue. I would  not have the money until the first of the month, and it was the 20th. 11 days from payday. So, as I placed that last roll of toilet tissue on the holder I just gave the problem to God. Every day for 11 days, I looked at that roll of toilet tissue, and every day for 11 days, that roll of toilet tissue appeared to remain the same size. Now I know that was not possible. I knew it wasn't possible while it was happening, but it never grew smaller. Until payday, when it seemed to go from full roll to empty roll in a matter of moments. I have shared our toilet tissue miracle many,many times over the years, and people look at me funny every time I share it. All, I know is that to this single mom, that roll of toilet tissue represented God's provision in an amazing way.

Another of my favorite stories from that time in our lives is the story of the Christmas Cards. As Christmas got closer and closer, I did not have the money to purchase gifts for my son. So, once again, I gave it up to God. The other moms at the bus stop would ask and I would tell them I was waiting for God to provide.Sometimes it is hard for people to understand that. When you choose to walk in faith, it often looks unrealistic to those around you. As the days of December counted down, I knew that they thought I was crazy. But, I just kept telling them that I was not worried, God would provide for my son to get what he had asked for.

 On December 23,  I walked to the bus stop to meet my son. It was December 23rd, and I still did not know how, but I knew that God would provide.On my way to the bus stop, I picked up my mail. There were 6 envelopes in the mail box that day. I carried them with to the bus stop at the end of the street, and as the other moms and I waited for the bus to come, I opened my mail. I opened a card without a return address, and in the card was $70 dollars in cash. The card was signed, A Friend. That was all. The other moms and I were so excited, as I showed them the card, and reminded them that I knew God would provide. Then I opened the next card, in the card was $70 dollars in cash. That card was signed simply With Love. I shook as I opened the last card. In the card $70 dollars in cash, signed Santa. Of course, I was crying tears of joy, and tears of amazement, as I was able to share with the other moms God's amazing provision.

So, here we are again, waiting for God to provide. I have had to overcome my issue of not being able to ask for help, a lesson that Creator has been trying to teach me for years. Mr. Bill tried to help me learn it, but he was killed before I got it. So, I am still working it out.

They turned off our gas yesterday, so we do not have hot water or heat right now. But the choice was between the gas bill and medication for my son, and to me the choice was obvious. I am a single mom again, a widow with a special needs child. My child is no longer small, but he is still my child, and we are still waiting on God's provision. Faith is a choice, not always an easy choice, but a choice nonetheless.  So, all that's left is for me to watch and see how long the roll of toilet tissue lasts this time, because I know that in God's time our needs will be met.

I'll let you know how it turns out!

TGIF!

My son suggests that my 'Post Menopausal Memory Loss' is also my exercise program. He may be right,  just a couple of mornings ago I looked for my coffee cup in every room in the house, including the basement...it was sitting next to the coffee pot!

Just today, I went to the basement to start a load of laundry.I turned on the washer, added the soap, and shut the lid. The basket with laundry in it was still in my bedroom. I make many more trips up and down the basement steps, or from room to room than I used to. I get up from my desk, walk into the kitchen with determination, only to end up going back to my desk determined to remember what it was I wanted.

So this morning I am thankful for memory loss. In all things give thanks! All things work for good. Since my mobility is becoming more and more limited, I am thankful for the extra steps I am able to take while looking for...what was it I am looking for?

I talk to myself more these days. I think it also has to do with my memory loss. If as I am walking from my desk to the kitchen I say out loud "I am going to get a cup of coffee" then when I get tot he kitchen and can't remember what I came in here for, if William is in the room I can ask him, since he would have heard me talking to myself. Am I losing you, because it makes perfect sense to me!!

So this morning I am thankful that I am in the habit of talking to myself out loud.

Well, except I woke up yesterday morning with laryngitis. It is something that happens to me every year for a few days, like the first robin, my allergies are a harbinger of spring. But, I am going to say Thank you, Most High, for truly this means that Spring is here. Today, I give thanks for being unable to speak above a whisper.

Sometimes when we are surrounded by problems, we forget to be thankful. I know I do. I get all stressed out, wrapped up in worry. Problems don't get solved by worrying. I know that, you know that, and yet most of us worry when we are faced with problems. I have been blessed with adversity all of my life. Literally since before I was born, and still this is one of  the spiritual truths my Creator has to teach me over and over again. Fortunately my Higher Power has an amazing amount of patience.

And for that, I am truly thankful!!