Signs of Spring

So, it's the first day of spring. Surprisingly, the weather is spring like (yes, the 's' word is in the forecast on Monday-nut it could change) with 68 degrees and a bit windy. It's about time. It has felt like Narnia around here-and that may be part of why I was busy having a pity- party of one this morning. I'm behind on the gas and electric, because as my son has suggested we think Mother Nature has probably invested her retirement funds in utilities and is gleeful at the huge bills we have racked up this winter.

But, anyway, I was sitting in my kitchen feeling very sorry for myself. It's hard being stressed over things sometimes. So, there i am-having mopped the kitchen, and opening the patio door to let the fresh air in-sitting, feeling decidedly sorry for myself when I look up and see a teeny-tiny little spring miracle.

I have an orange tree in my kitchen. I have been really worried about it living through the winter, the former upstairs neighbors drenched it with bleach water last year,and it looks pretty dead. It is the orange tree my son grew from a seed, so I have kept watering it, watching the branches die, and the few remaining leaves fall. I'm kind of stubborn that way. I honestly felt it was a losing cause, but this is my son's orange tree that should not have grown from that seed anyway.

So, sitting there, feeling sorry for myself, and I look at the tree. The mostly dead, sad looking tree. and there amid the dead branches I see it, new growth. Teeny tiny new leaves, 6 sets in all.

So, thank you universe for adjusting my attitude. I am still worried about money, still worried about a lot of things, but Spring has SPRUNG!!! New leaves have grown, our orange tree hasn't given up yet--and so I guess neither will I.

So, even if it snows on Monday (or like last year in May) I choose to believe in the signs of Spring!!

Find a reason to smile..

It is very difficult to be old, and broke, and struggling at this time of year. It's cold, and dark, and it just seems like troubles are amplified in that darkness. Probably the reason that nearly every faith tradition has some sort of celebration around this time that centers on light.

So, as you go about your days, try to remember to breathe,and relax, because the darkness never lasts forever, and even on a cold dark day something will be worth smiling about.

For example, today was supposed to be high 28 and ZERO percent chance of precipitation. My son and I were going to the grocery store. Our budget is really tight, so some of the things he is used to getting would not be on our list today. It's hard to tell any child "No, we can't afford that" and especially hard to tell an autistic man/child his routine is going to have to give way to budgetary concerns.Add in the weather forecast being wrong, and it starting to snow/sleet/ice as we ran our errands, and I could have been stuck in a bad mood the rest of the week.

But then this happened...


 We came out of the grocery store and the 2 lovely bell ringers were trying to sing "O Holy Night' but they maybe knew the first 3 words, I prompted the next line and they said "Do you know all the words? "I do," I answered, "Start from the beginning and I'll help." So we did,and I sang in my contra-alto, standing in the snow with the lovely sopranos--a crowd gathered and there was applause when we finished. Could be the best day I've had in a while.

Reason to smile, I bet you can find one too if you will be open to allowing yourself to breath and be in the moment.

Peace and Blessings,
EB

 

Hope

Here's a quote for today:

“Dum spiro, spero.”
–Latin Proverb, meaning, “While I breathe, I hope.”

Hope is a wonderful gift, it means to desire with expectation of obtainment, to expect with confidence. It is one of those words that pretty much means the same thing as a noun or as a verb. Now we all remember what a verb is, it is a word requiring action. So, when we hope, we must also take action. In relation to our hopes for weight loss, if we are to desire with the expectation of obtainment, then we have to take the necessary steps to achieve that. We all know what those steps are, journaling, portion control(weighing and measuring if we have to), exercise, drink our water, eat our fruits and veggies, and our dairy. Now when me take those actions, we definitely have hope that we will be healthier. We CHOOSE to move towards that desired expectation of obtainment by CHOOSING to do what we know we have to do. So, while we breathe, we hope, and as we hope we make the best choices we can make. Then the desired expectation is in our reach. Pretty cool!!

Peace and Blessings,

Tools of thought

Today's quote...
"We have the tool of thought within us to create a thousand joys or
a thousand ills."~~James Allen~~

 When we choose how we react to situations and things and people around us we are using that tool. We can use our thoughts to create positive ways of reacting to the circumstances we are surrounded with, or we can use that tool of thought to create negative response.

I was reading something on a message board, a very nice article on steps you can take to lower stress. Then along came the poster who said "None of this works when you have a life as stressful as mine" and then she laid out a tale of woe. Posters responded with really good thoughtful ways she could let go of some of the things that were stressing her out, and of course she couldn't hear any of it. It was apparent to everyone but her that her woes weren't as big and bad as she thought they were, and that she was actually creating some of them with her negative thoughts. She was using the tool of thought to create a thousand ills.


Sad really, someone gets really good loving advice and chooses to stay stuck in their misery. Living in the moment allows us to capture those thoughts, choose how to react, and use that tool of thought to create a thousand joys. Imagine what a great day this will be if you experience a thousand joys, or a hundred joys, or ten joys, or one joy created by using the tool available to you. Using your tool of thought today, choose to live in joy.

I know I am working on it.

Peace and Blessings,
EB


  

On Being Poor

Yes, I know I just took a vacation, but honestly it didn't cost much, and it was necessary for our mental health. The whole trip cost just a bit more than one months mortgage,and that would not have saved my house from foreclosure.Yes, I am aware that some would question the decision I made to take a trip, but honestly the need for healing, and the spiritual benefits far outweighed any other factors and were well worth it. We would not have made the trip if we had not had free hotel rooms available and a car that gets outstanding gas mileage!

Finding a place to rent has become an exercise in frustration. I am finding that no one will take a chance on low income people. Frankly, if I had the income level that is being required I would be able to afford the mortgage payments. I have no other debt, my car is payed for, I have no credit cards, and I am very good at living frugally. All I need is a safe place for my son and I to live.

I realize that most people would choose to live in a safe neighborhood, in fact most people take living in a safe neighborhood for granted. But when your resources are low, as so many these days, finding that place that feels safe is nigh on to impossible. So once again, I am seeking a miracle. Been there done that, but this morning I am wondering if my miracle quota has reached it's limit.

Wow, just typing this is making me feel vulnerable and I am not known for feeling vulnerable. I am know for my strong positive outlook. I am known for counseling others to remain positive and in the moment. So this morning I am looking at my circumstances,and trying to ignore them as I seek a solution.

Ignoring circumstance may seem foolish, but how many times are we in a position where we have to do just that? When talking to a landlord this morning I had to give a synopsis of our challenges, and even as I spoke I assured the nice man that we weren't quite as pathetic as we sounded, but I also was not surprised that he couldn't take the chance.. Yes, we have moved from crisis to crisis in recent memory, but honestly all we need is a chance to build on our healing and go forward. OK, so my husband was unemployed for 5 months, and then killed by a drunk driver on his way home from the first day on a new job, and then I fell at work requiring surgery, then fell at home breaking my leg, then lost my job, then my neurological disease worsened, then my autistic son became seriously ill and I got behind in the mortgage and need to move because of foreclosure. I do sound like a lost cause.

But I refuse to believe that. I refuse to believe that I won't find a safe place to live,and I refuse to believe that circumstances will keep us from being safe. I just refuse. Does that make me an idealistic dreamer? Perhaps, but these days our dreams for the future are all that we have to hold on to, and we do have dreams for the future-we just don't have a place to live. That puts us in company with so many people in this country and around the world. Yes, it is a scary place to be.

But as one of my mantras has always been "fear is the mindkiller", I have to ignore the fear and move forward. The only way to move forward is by continuing to have faith that we will find that safe place, that place where we can heal and reach for our dreams. Faith doesn't always make sense, but it is necessary. Faith means believing even when circumstance tells you different. Faith means that in the words of my son "Just because you know the truth doesn't mean you don't believe."

So yes, I know the truth, we have no place to live. We have major obstacles to finding a place to live, but we have to continue believing that this circumstance is not the end of the story.We have to continue ignoring the circumstance and not let the current obstacles keep us from looking forward. I know that somewhere there is a place for us, I just haven't found it yet.

Well, as the opening to this blog says, some days I may celebrate, some days I may whine and vent. But always, I am going to share my stories. This morning I needed to whine and vent, but in doing so I have found my positive outlook hiding in my story. Time to put one foot in front of the other and act out that faith!!

Peace and Blessings,

Cynicism

You know it is so easy to become cynical these days. Turn on the TV, check your newsfeed on Facebook, read a message board. Everywhere you look people seemed to have become mean, hateful, lacking the simple human qualities of compassion and kindness. It honestly doesn't matter what your political, or religious beliefs are you can find examples of people who just seem to have forgotten how to behave towards other people. If you are in a difficult situation yourself, it starts to feel rather personal. It starts to feel as if you just have no right to exist if you are down on your luck.

I think it is to easy to say ugly things about other human beings when you are anonymous. I think that if we turn off the TV, get off the computer and encounter one another face to face, most behave differently. Yes, a few will still be hateful uncaring monsters-quick to demean or ridicule anyone they see as different. These are just all around miserable people and it must be hard to be that unhappy. But most people are not that miserable. Most people will speak kindly even to a stranger.

While vacationing last week we met so many nice people. People who were truly happy to have us in their home town, or visiting their area. As I worked my way through doorways, or up a step or two with my cane or my walker, there was always someone rushing to hold a door, or offer a helping hand. I tend to want to let others go through the doorway before me, offering the caveat that I am slow, and no one ever takes me up on it.

It seems to me we need to get out and meet each other. It seems all to easy, no matter where your belief lies on the spectrum to demonize those who are different than you.Personally, i have never understood bigotry and hate, and it seems to be growing stronger. It seems like it is all too easy to think that the problems are all the fault of the 'others'. But when the 'other' is someone we are face to face with we are able to see that we are all fighting some battle, and we aren't all that different. Those folks, young, old, male, female who held a door for me, or waited to get to their seat while the lady with the walker made her way slowly ahead of them had no way of knowing whether I am a liberal or conservative, a Christian or a Muslim or a pagan, or any thing in between. All they saw was a middle aged woman with mobility issues, and they were happy to offer assistance or a bit of encouragement.

It is so easy to fall into cynical thinking, I have thought many times recently that there are those who would gladly let me die by the side of the road because I am no longer a productive member of society. And there may be a couple of those out there, but for the most part this country is full of good people, people who will offer a helping hand no matter who you are or what you look like.For the most part this country is full of friends we have yet to meet. And even those who say the most hateful hurtful things under a cloak of  anonymity, will usually think that their friends or family are not who they are railing against.

So we need to get out of the house, out of our neighborhood or comfort zone and meet each other. Maybe then we will remember that we are all human, and all deserving of a bit of help now and then.We have to remember to be kind, even to those miserable ones, because truly we never know what battles the other person is fighting,and our smile or kind word may remind even them that they are human.If it doesn't, we must truly feel sorry for them, because it certainly can't be easy to be that unhappy.But, we must not let the hate we see and feel rub off on us, we must fight the cynical tooth and nail, but we must fight it with kindness and caring, and that is what I found out there in our country. Nice people, they really do exist!

Detour

Lately life is like the lyrics to that old song...

Detour, there's a muddy road ahead, detour
Paid no mind to what it said
Detour, oh these bitter things I find,
Should have read

That detour sign

This week, the words really hit home as we are planning our healing road trip. There really are detours because large sections of the highway we would usually zip north on are closed due to flooding along the Missouri river. Now this flooding started months ago, and really should be clear by  now, but of course, the waters are taking their time to recede.Even after they recede, the road will need extensive repair. So, detour will be the theme of our first day on the road.

But, you know, it kind of seems a fitting way to start the trip. Life has been just one big detour after another for us.Just this morning, my son and I were checking maps and planning our route. Since we love road trips, we came to the conclusion that the worst thing that will happen is that we will see some places we have never seen before. Not an unpleasant outcome.

Last year, we inadvertently became part of a Homecoming celebration in a small southern town because of a detour. It was great fun actually, people were lining the street waiting for the parade to start, and everyone waved as we drove through. Pretty cool detour.

Now, in life, some of the detours aren't that pleasant, but as long as you keep heading forward, you manage to get through them, or around them. That is actually why we are taking this trip, one more step forward in our healing process. In my experience healing has never been a direct route to begin with. How many times have we had the flu and thought we were over it to be sick again a few hours later. Healing is a process. Not always a pleasant process. The fever that indicates our body is attempting to heal itself is often more uncomfortable than the original problem. But, it is something that has to happen, just like the inevitable detours along life's road.

Detours often make you think that you can't get there from here, but that is never true. Detours only mean you can't get there the way you originally planned. The original route has been compromised somehow, the road is underwater, or being constructed, but there is always an alternate route.Will it feel unfamiliar? Yes. Will it take you over roads you haven't previously traveled? Probably. But, as long as you follow the signs it will get you where you need to go, and once in a while you may find yourself being welcomed as part of a celebration you didn't know was taking place, along a road not to nowhere, but a road to recovery.

Just make sure you heed that detour sign!

Road Trip-a Healing prescription!!

The summer was always our favorite time of year! Starting with Mothers Day until the end of July we were celebrating something every couple of weeks. Mothers Day-Memorial Day-Fathers Day-My birthday-4th of July-My husbands birthday-and our wedding anniversary, every two weeks or so all summer long. That all changed for me when he was killed a few weeks after our wedding anniversary, and the long, difficult healing process of grief began.

The morning before my husband was killed, we sat on the deck for a couple of hours. We talked and planned. Mr. Bill was starting a new job that day, and we discussed getting back on track financially, and we discussed our 10th wedding anniversary. We were married at a courthouse,our son the best man and  the snack bar attendant as my witness. We planned to have a vow renewal, a small wedding for our 10th anniversary.A wedding, with a beautiful dress that I had already designed- I spent a long time in the theatre as a costume designer-it would have been a spectacular dress! We would make the same trip that we made as a family honeymoon trip-going back to the Black Hills, a wonderfully spiritual magical place that we all adore.As my friend Michelle referred to it,"the place where love and family became one!"

July 30 is that 10th anniversary. As part of my continuing healing, I have just booked the trip for my son and I to take. We are not going until a few weeks later, I want this trip to be a new beginning, and if we went on the anniversary it would hurt too much.So we will go after all of the days that are no longer celebratory for me, and we are hoping to continue learning how to celebrate life again.

I firmly believe in the idea of sacred space. I after all, spend a lot of time on my deck, which is for me a place of safety and sacredness. Most faith traditions have an idea of sacred space. For me, sacred space is often more a state of being than an actual place, but there are also places where we can instantly feel more at peace, more able to access the things of Spirit. My deck is sacred space, but when I am away from home it is almost as if that sacred place is where ever I am. I visited the home of a dear friend, and her deck, which looked nothing like mine, felt the same, and was for me a refuge of meditation and worship. Staying in a convention hotel, I once slipped out of the room without waking my roommate to find a lovely secluded chair in the lobby that felt like a sacred space for my prayers and meditation. A sacred space feels right, it feels safe, and nurturing, and healing.

One of Mr. Bill and my favorite ways to spend a Sunday afternoon, was to take a Sunday drive. We always planned to buy a house, and we would drive through different neighborhoods just looking at the for sale signs. I often made him a little crazy, sometimes we would turn into a neighborhood, and I immediately asked him to get out of it, it FELT wrong. Now some of these were lovely neighborhoods, in the best parts of town, but the Spirit of the place was just disturbing. When we were ready to actually purchase a home, we looked at dozens, and I drove our realtor crazy too. When we turned onto the street we live on, I felt safe and nurtured. As our realtor opened the front door of this house before I stepped a foot across the threshold , I knew I was home.

Home is what I feel in the Black Hills. I think because it was where our life as a family began it will always be a sacred place for me. So, as my spirit heals, I feel the need to return to that place to honor the memory of the time before the grief, and perhaps to move into a time where the grief can heal. Paradoxically, I will be traveling back to the place where I experienced my first symptom of neurological disease (you can read about it in the blog post from 4/29 A Glimpse Into One Part of My Life).

Last spring when my son's health and our financial problems became an issue, Spirit told me that this trip would be provided in September. Thanks to our "Great American Road Trip" last fall, I have enough rewards points that I only need to pay for two nights lodging-and those will earn me enough points that I will be able to receive free lodging again next year!!! So, the majority expense will be gas and food, and I know when Spirit has promised something, provision will be provided. My therapist said this week that this trip is just the prescription she would write for me.

So, as I move through the minefield of birthdays and anniversaries this summer, I feel stronger, and part of that is because I know I am supposed to go home to the place where love and family became one!!

My Thoughts on the coming rapture...

OK, I am not a theologian, so I am not going to even worry about whether or not there is such thing as a rapture. I am not going to worry about whether or not that rapture is going to take place tomorrow. I honestly just can't think about all of that.But I saw a question on Facebook that we should all ask ourselves every day.

It doesn't matter what your religious beliefs are. Does not matter whether you have any religious beliefs. This question should concern each and every one of us, every sunrise or sunset of our lives.So here it is...

If you knew today was the last day of your life what would you do? How would you spend the last day of your life?

Recently I have been doing lots of paperwork as I apply for disability benefits. One of things I have  to do is describe what I do from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed. Wow, that is an open ended, intrusive, scary, really difficult question for me to answer. Think about it for a minute. Describe what you do from the time you wake up to the time you go to bed.My first thought was, I am not sure I want to think about it.Do I want some bureaucrat who is deciding whether I receive disability benefits or go to live in a shelter to know how I spend every moment of the day. MORE importantly...  Do I really want to know how I spend every moment of my day?

There are so many things for me to decide as I attempt to answer this question. First, what do I consider as the time I wake up and the time I go to bed. I have,among other issues, a chronic pain disorder, I do not go to bed and sleep for 8 hours. I sleep 30 minutes to 2 hours at a time, depending on my pain levels, my bladder needs, etc. When I wake up it takes me a while to get back to sleep. Am I sleeping in my bed, or my recliner, at the time? I switch from one to the other trying to get comfortable. If I am in the recliner I have a couple of pillows that I need to position, if I am in the bed I have 10-12 pillows that I use to position my body.SO, when do I get up in the morning? When do I go to bed? Already I have a problem with attempting to answer this question. Can you see why I received a cranky phone call wondering why I haven't returned to forms yet.

The issue of how I spend my day has been on my mind recently, so when I see the question on Facebook about how I might spend the day if I knew it was the last day of my life I have a frame of reference. But, as a person of faiht, I should have a frame of reference for this questioin anyway. My religious beliefs lead me to think I should be spending every day as if it were the only day I have left, and really isn't that true for all of us, no matter our beliefs?

I can state without any reservations that life can end in the blink of an eye. I know that you can be driving home from work and be killed by a drunk driver. I know from the experience of friends and relatives that life is a tenuous thing any and every day that we live it. So to me the answer to the question is that I must live every day of my life as if it were my last. I must choose to live even the most boring, mundane day as if it were all I have because it is.

So my plans for today are quite simple. I will spend time in prayer. I recently read prayer described as an act of service done for the sake of the world. When I read that it make me think about the way I choose to spend my prayer time (but I think that is the subject for a post of its own).I will spend time watching Nascar with my son. I will do a couple of loads of laundry. I will check facebook and the Weight Watcher's message boards to stay in touch with friends and family and read about causes and things of interest to me.I will work on a blog post or two. I will have breakfast, lunch, dinner, and several snacks.I will read the newspaper. I will attempt to finish the paperwork for that the disability determination specialists need. I will choose to attempt to do all of these things with a positive attitude. I will work on some issues with my Creator. Pretty much a routine day for me.

I know that every day could be my last. I hope that I am able to have another day tomorrow, but I have no way of knowing that I will. I make my choices knowing that every step I take is a step away from where I used to be, and I hope those steps are the right steps. Perhaps this is my last blog post, so I want to say thank you to those who choose to spend a few minutes of the last day of their lives reading what I am thinking about. I am humbled that you would choose to use that time reading something I write.

Oh dear, Mt. Laundry calls. Have a blessed day!

Who Am I?

OK, Here I am struggling with some issues that I shouldn't be struggling with. Issues I have dealt with over and over again. So, I beat myself up a little, I know better. But, I do it. The question goes deeper than why do I do this, the question becomes who am I?

I start my day with centering prayers and meditations. It helps me to meet the challenges of my day. I use several sources for things to meditate on. I use a daily reflection from Sunshine Cathedral.It's from a publication titled Spirit and Truth. I also use Meditations with Native American Elders:The Four Seasons by Don L. Coyhis.This is a book of meditations for learning to walk the Red Road. This is the path I have chosen for my healing journey.I also use the Sacred literature-Scriptures of my Christian traditions. More often than not, they work together on the issue that I need to be working on. Spirit is very good at working things to my benefit like that. But, then I get down to it, and I get fearful. I slide back into old habits, and I know better.

Who am I? The problem is I don't know anymore.

I know who I have been. I know how I became those women, but I don't know who I am anymore, and that is a problem. Since I am not who I used to be, I need to figure out who I am in order to go forward. I need to figure out how to become who I am supposed to be.


I have been lots of different people in my lifetime. I have grown and matured and changed over the years. I have used prayer and meditation to seek my Higher Power and to attempt to let go of my self will and live Most High's will for my life. As I walk the Red road I use wisdom found in nature, in the medicine wheel, and wisdom from the elders. Our lives grow in seasons, and we may be in a spring season as it snows outside.But we can learn from nature, and the Medicine Wheel and the elders no matter what season we are in. Every season has lessons for us.  I find myself in a winter season of life right now.

In the winter season we often find ourselves lost. Our identity is gone and we seek a new one. According to the elders, in the winter season we are faced with three questions. Who am I, why am I, and where am I going? As we seek the answers to these questions we will learn and grow and transform ourselves once again. So here I am, who am I?

I am totally aware that I have been feeding the wrong hunger the last week or so. I know that in feeding the wrong hunger, I have been sabotaging myself, keeping me from becoming who I am supposed to be. I gave into the fear, and fear is the mindkiller.

When I was growing up I was an outsider looking in. I didn't fit in with my family, my circumstances or my neighborhood.I didn't fit physically, mentally, or spiritually. I needed to learn, I studied everything.Knowledge was my downfall and my future. Everybody called me "the smart one", which sounds positive, but in my family it was an insult. It was said in a way that I knew it was not acceptable. But I had no other way to be. I was Esther, the smart one, who was also the fat one, the big one that nobody understood, or cared to get to know. I wanted to be my little sister, the cute one, the one who had a nickname, who was allowed to sit in laps and be hugged.But, I was Esther, and nobody wanted to hug me.

 I learned to accept that that was who I was. Esther spent her time learning and applying that knowledge to the world around her. She kept her own counsel, and built walls to keep the pain contained. Fortunately, Spirit put people in my life to teach me about love. I lived for the summers, we would come to Kansas City and stay with my father's favorite sister, My Aunt Emma. My auntie was an amazing woman, she loved all of us. If we were family, especially those few of us who were 'black sheep' for whatever reason, she loved us. So I could make it through the rest of the year, because I knew that at least in the summer, someone who loved me would be there. There were other people, a friend of my brother. They were in boot camp together, and he was from the Navajo nation, and the reservation was too far for him to go, so he came to our house when they had leave. He talked to me, and more importantly he listened to me. He talked to me about his traditions, and walking the Red Road. He taught me that I was strong, and that our Creator loved me. My third grade teacher, Mrs. Schultz. She saw greatness in me, and never let a day go by that she didn't tell me that. I visited her even after I was in junior high, and we were friends for the rest of her life, we wrote when I went off to college, and I visited her when I came back during breaks. She was my great friend and my greatest encourager. These all called me Esther Belle. I was named after my Mother and my Aunt Emma. Emma Esther Belle, and so Auntie called me Esther Belle. That was the name and the 'me' I associated with love.

When I became a mother, loving and advocating for my special needs child was who I was. Again I was able to use my intellect to solve problems and educate myself and others about my son's needs. I loved being Ms. Jones, William's Mom. Ms. Jones was able to love her son and to also love other children in the neighborhood. They needed someone to love them enough to set boundaries and hold them to those boundaries. Children do not like being out of control. This lesson applies to the child in us when we are in our winter changing seasons. We do not like being out of control, and so part of learning who we are is learning what our boundaries are. Boundaries are not the walls I built to protect me from pain. Boundaries are the paths I walk, the bricks I place to get me Brick by Brick down the path on my healing journey.

Then Ms. Jones was walking down the street one day.It was a beautiful day. The kind of spring day that we wish they all could be. Bright sunshine, about 60 degrees. I had been to a meeting and after my friend dropped me off I remembered that William needed something for school the next day. It was the perfect day for a walk, so I decided I would walk to the neighborhood store. As I was walking down the street I looked up and this tall thin man was cutting across the street diagonally. He was going to end right in front of me. My mind immediately started searching for a reason, but this was not someone I knew. He walked up to me and said "I have been trying to get up the nerve to talk to you for six months. You're the most beautiful woman I have ever seen." I laughed. It definitely was not a pick up line I had ever heard before. But when I laughed I saw his eyes, and he meant it! "Excuse me?" was all I could say. He said it again, "I've been trying to get up the nerve to talk to you. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen." I am still kind of speechless, and I say "Thank you, I guess." He goes on to explain that he lives at the bottom of the hill and he sees me walk my son to the school bus every day. He has tried a couple of times to speak to me, but he was too nervous. But when he saw me walking down the street today he told himself it was now or never, and he crossed the street. I was prepared to continue walking, but he kept talking. He told me how he had just got out of rehab 4 days earlier, and that he was on his way home from putting in job applications. Well, I had been clean and sober for 16 years and the friend of Bill W. in me wouldn't let me just ignore him. I told him I had to go to the store, but if he was still in the park at the end of the street when I got back I would talk to him. He was there, we talked for 2 hours that afternoon, and every day after that.

Such a simple act, crossing the street. No big deal. But in that simple act of walking across the street the world would never be the same. In that moment our lives became eternally joined, entwined. We would never again make a decision without discussing it or considering the impact it would have on the other one.We would never again think of ourselves as Bill or EstherBelle. From that moment on we were BillandEstherBelle.

So, I must learn to be EstherBelle again, or just Belle as my husband and friends came to call me, or maybe EB the nickname my friends use. I must learn that  I need not be afraid to go forward. I must stop allowing my fear of the unknown keep me from sculpting my bricks and making my path as I journey to wholeness. I have some genetic dispositions that are obstacles. I am genetically predisposed to gaining weight and holding on to weight. In prehistoric times I was the survival of the species. But this is 2011, and the extra layer of fat is no longer necessary for survival. As I get close to the numbers changing on the scale, I must not fear the things that come my way. I must not fear men paying attention to me, I must not fear jealousy from others. I must embrace the new me, a me that has not weighed less than 250 pounds since she was a child. I must stop sabotaging my weight loss journey and work to be in control of my eating and choose to joyfully discover what being a normal healthy weight feels like.

I am genetically predisposed to depression and alcoholism. I must not let that determine who I am. I do not allow the pain of my physical diseases win, so I must apply the same intent and purpose to overcoming the pain of my mental health issues. I am going to celebrate a really major milestone in a few days. On January 19 I will have been clean and sober for 30 years. As I choose one day at a time to not use drugs and alcohol to mask the pain, I must also choose to not use the most widely available mood altering drug-food-to mask the pain either. I must choose to come into a healthy relationship with food. Allowing food to be what it was meant to be and nothing more.

I must choose to be who I am supposed to be, as I spend this winter season of my life pondering the answer to that question.To ponder is to consider something deeply and thoroughly; meditate; to weigh carefully in the mind. Pondering for me is to find the answers and apply them to my life as I become who I am supposed to be.

Who am I? I don't know yet. But, as I continue to sculpt the bricks, and to choose to not give in to the fear I will find out.The fears used to blind and bind me for years, and now they only blind me for a few days. That is victory along the journey. It will be an amazing healing journey through the season of darkness, and of course Spring should follow.

Who am I? Not sure, but I think I will love her into existence.

Peace and Blessings,

EstherBelle a.k.a EB

Traditions

Today is Christmas Eve. In our family that means that my son is in charge of the kitchen. Not a bad tradition! I can hear the dishwasher going as I type. We came up with this tradition because I was a working mother- well we all are, but I went back to work full time outside the home when my son started middle school.We were attempting to establish new traditions for our new family. The first couple of years, I would get home from work on Xmas Eve, tired, but I would fix dinner and attempt to go to the movies with my husband and my son. We had the beginnings of a lovely tradition, but as most traditions do, it needed some tweaking to become just right for us.

 I worked in a huge grocery store. I would finish the midnight shift on the 23rd, and then go back in and work the day shift on the 24th. By the time we closed the store at 6:00 pm, took care of all the customers, and allowed the teammates a few minutes to grab that last item, it was often close to7:00 by the time I got to my car.I would drive home, tired. So, the next year we decided that we would just have pizza for dinner, and if I called home just before I headed to the car, it could go in the oven. We also decided that Xmas day was a good time for a movie if I wanted to stay awake. My son had begun  the habit of baking cookies while I was at work, and so that grew to include the pizza, and then to include his being in charge of the kitchen. He would wait for me to call, and by the time I got home, changed my clothes, and sat down in my recliner to put my feet up dinner would be ready and he would serve Mom and Dad. Then he would finish his cookie baking, while Mom and Dad wrapped presents in their room. It became a lovely way to spend the evening.About the time the gifts were wrapped, the cookies were done, and the three of us would have time together enjoying warm cookies and cold milk. The dishwasher would run again as the plate for Santa was prepared, and then our family would be snuggled in our beds.

We are, once again, in the process of allowing our traditions to evolve to fit our circumstances. This year it is just the two of us once again. This year Mom is again an at home Mom. Because of my health, I am no longer able to stand on my feet and check out hundreds of customers a day, in fact I am no longer able to work outside the home. Because of financial problems this year, there won't be any gift wrapping. But, we will be able to share our kitchen traditions. Today, my son is in charge of the kitchen, and our house is filled with the wonderful aromas of years gone by mixed with a new aroma. My cookie baker makes 2 different recipes every year. He makes the original recipe that he brought home from school all those years ago, and then he bakes a new recipe-either a recipe he has created, or one that caught his eye in a magazine or on the back of the packaging from one of his ingredients. This year the new recipe involves cinnamon chips, and we are eagerly looking forward to trying them.

I hope that you and those you care about have traditions.Traditions are an important way to bridge the gap between generations, to enlarge your tent and bring new people into the circle of your hearts.Traditions are an important way to share memories, to make memories, and to anticipate new memories the next time you act upon the tradition.Tradition is a way that our families, our friends,our communities can stay connected one to another.Tradition can be the way that we remember what it is to love and to be loved. In our house, a boy who was born blessed by autism did not have the ability to tell us with words that he loved us, so he learned to bake cookies.

Peace and Blessings,
EstherBelle

This is the Season of Light!

The quote for today is...

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.~~Albert Schweitzer~~

 This is why we must all learn that we are valuable, worthy individuals, women of immeasurable beauty. I am reminded of something that happened when I was still working at the grocery store. I had a young woman and her daughter, about 5 years old, come through my line. I was commenting on the fact that I saw kid food, and then I said I see healthy food, I bet Mom is eating healthy things. The little girl said "That's because she's fat." I looked at the little girl and said, "Mom's not fat, Mom is very beautiful, and you look a lot like her." The little girl said "Except I'm not fat." Even though we were very busy, I took a moment to look in the eyes of the mom, and said "You know that when you say things about your body, you are building your daughter's body image. Please know that you are a beautiful young woman, and if you choose to believe otherwise, you are wrong." I could see in the eyes of the Mom that she did not know that,that this beautiful woman who was not overweight, did not know that she was beautiful.I hope that she took in what I was trying to tell her. I hope that somehow she would learn that she has beauty and value so that she won't pass on the wrong message to her daughter. 

We all know people, women especially whose light has gone out. We may indeed be one of those who is in need of rekindling. We may have let someone teach us that we are not beautiful because they did not realize their own beauty.So today, choose your words carefully, speak aloud your beauty and worth. Speak it even if you don't believe it yet. Speak it until you believe it.The next generation of woman is listening and learning from you. When I was the same age as that little girl, I was blessed to have a teacher who taught me the truth, and who chose to kindle the flame in me. I am deeply grateful every day for that. I choose to keep my flame burning so that I may kindle another flame. This is how I honor the one who taught me.

Today I leave you with a traditional Navajo prayer...I open my meditations with this...

As I walk, as I walk
The universe is walking with me
In beauty it walks before me
In beauty it walks behind me
In beauty it walks below me
In beauty it walks above me
Beauty is on every side
As I walk, I walk with Beauty.

Peace and Blessings,

Esther Belle

The Angel in the Marble

Several years ago I started a daily thread on the Weight Watchers message boards. About that time, sitting on my desk was a daily quote calendar. So, I began a habit of using the quote as a springboard for a daily essay relating to life's struggles. My husband, Mr. Bill, began encouraging me to put my thoughts together in a book. When he was killed I had about half a book written. I started this blog, in part, to get back into the habit of writing so that I might be able to finish the book. Along the way,I will write new things, as well as share excerpts from the things I wrote before I lost Mr. Bill. This was his favorite piece...

 

I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.~~Michelangelo~~

 

Sometimes I see a quote and I know it has to do with the journey that we are all on. That journey towards being healthier in body, mind and spirit. I saw this quote this morning and passed it by, then  Spirit told me to go back.So as I looked at these words I saw that this is exactly what our journey is all about. Just as Michelangelo could look at a hunk of marble and see the angel inside, we must learn to look at ourselves and see the incredible, beautiful, capable woman inside and care and chip away at all of the untruths and detritus that keeps her from being free. There is much to chip away. We can't learn to be our authentic selves until we learn that who we are has nothing to do with who we think others expect us to be. We must learn to recognize the 'angel' in our block of marble, and sometimes it takes us a while to recognize her, because she doesn't look like who society, or our parents, or our husbands, or our friends expect. She doesn't look like who we expect because we have gotten our truths all mixed up with the untruths that we need to chip away.  So as we travel this journey, we must learn to chip away at the expectations of others. We must learn to carve our truth out no matter what untruths we have to toss into the trash bin. Sometimes it will seem easier to leave our 'angel' in the block of marble. After all, chipping away the detritus we have learned may cause us pain, it may cause others pain as we move away from their picture of what we should be. But take my word for it, life is not pain free, and the pain of leaving her locked inside the block of marble is worse than any pain you can imagine. So today I ask you to choose to learn to see the 'angel' in your marble. Choose to starting carving and chipping away at the things that imprison her there, the things that imprison your spirit, the things that have held you captive all too long. Choose today to start or continue the process of setting you free.You are worth the effort it will take, you deserve to find the work of art that you truly are.

 

Peace and Blessings,

EstherBelle

 

Faith

Just because you know the truth does not mean you don't believe. At first glance that doesn't sound like an affirmation of faith, but that is exactly what it is. My son is blessed with autism. He was in middle school and still believed in Santa. After all, he knew that every year the things on his Christmas list appeared under the tree. He knew that his single Mom couldn't afford those things, so he knew that there was a Santa Claus. He was now being teased at school because he was excited that he was going to visit Santa at the mall. So sometime during the following summer Mom told him about Santa. I told him that the gifts really came from God's, sometimes miraculous, provision. He was a boy with a strong faith, and he knew that we trusted God to provide for us, so he understood about Santa Claus.

We talked about it a couple of times that summer, each time he seemed to understand. Then, months later as the holidays approached he became concerned about going to visit Santa Claus. I reminded him about our conversations, and told him that I didn't think he would want to visit Santa this year. "MOM" he said, "Just because you know the truth does not mean you don't believe." Turns out, he is right. We kept believing in a God that provides. That summer  Mom got a better job, we met the man who would become my husband and the only dad my son has ever known.

Thirteen years later, I look at the our circumstances and I see the truth of how dire things are right now. I see the less than $100 dollars in our bank account, and I know that is the truth. I look at the empty side of the bed where my husband used to sleep and I know the truth. The autumn before last he was killed by a drunk driver on his way home from work. His way home from his first night on a new job. I look at hard times we have gone through since he was killed and I see the truth. In the year after my husband was killed we went from crisis to crisis. My son could not articulate his grief and stress and so he internalized it all and became seriously ill with an intestinal obstruction.  The holidays slipped past us quietly that winter. My son said it best when I asked him about one of our traditions and he said "No, we're just not feeling festive this year." By the end of January his health was improved, and we were struggling with being a single income family with a two income mortgage. I missed a payment. Then in February I fell at work and tore my biceps tendon and rotator cuff. I ended up having to have surgery to repair the rotator cuff and reattach the biceps tendon. While I was struggling with that our house went into foreclosure. Scheduled to be sold on the courthouse steps on June 12. I FINALLY got things straightened out on June 10. Then on June 14th, the day before I would start physical therapy for my shoulder I slipped in my kitchen and broke my knee. I was in hospital for 4 days, then sent to a "Rehabilitation Center". The only one my insurance would pay for. Trouble was I have had a rare neurological disease since 2001. The pain is excruciating, but with my doctors I can manage it with the appropriate meds. BUT my meds were not on the list of meds the rehab center uses, so I could not get them. My disease flared, then went into full body crisis, and still they would not give me the medication. I had to check myself out and come home  with my leg in an immobilizer from hip to toes. I was released by the shoulder surgeon to go back to work, of course I couldn't and had to take medical leave. My knee healed extremely well, but extremely slowly. I was terminated from my job. Seems you only get 6 months to heal.

But, in all of this my faith is strong. Most High has continued to bless us, and we are continuing to trust for that provision. Right now I am waiting for the Workers Comp insurance company to release the funds they owe me. It is taking longer than promised, so we are penniless for the moment. But, we have the promises of God to sustain us, and I have my prayer times to keep me balanced and thankful. See, just because you know the truth-even when that truth looks pretty scary-does not mean you don't believe.

I started using Centering prayer almost 20 years ago. I was having trouble finding a church home for my son and myself. Yes, my son could be difficult. As a result, we were asked to leave several churches. Sometimes after we had gotten comfortable and made friends there. I started feeling like the church was rejecting us, but I knew that God was always there and that if I can be quiet I can hear the Voice that I have known since I was a small child. The Voice that comforts me, that sends me out into the world, that keeps me sane. I use Centering prayer  as a means to be quiet. I am so thankful that as I have spent more and more time in prayer it has become true for me that to breathe is to pray. I can pray with every inhale and exhale, every breath can be a prayer. Every prayer teaches me more about my Creator.

So, I listen and hope and rejoice  with that Voice. I know the promises and I am thankful that "Blessed are they who mourn" because my grief is deep. There are no words to tell you the hurt of losing my husband. Widow is a hard word to hear-even harder to type. There are those who do not understand that I was able to forgive the young woman who drove drunk that night. In my life I have come to understand that unforgiveness is about wanting to be right, and to forgive means that you let go of the need to be right and let God have that honor. Unforgiveness is tantamount to telling God that I am not grateful for the forgiveness that I receive on a daily basis. So I forgive and move forward without the burden of bitterness. Grief is hard enough without that! So, even though I know the truth-my husband will not be coming home from work-it does not mean that I don't believe.

I believe in a God that  I can  trust  will provide. Now, I am not sitting around doing nothing. I am working on the book that I started before my husband was killed. He was so proud of me. He had pushed me to write about my faith and my life for years, and then it seemed as if the words just begged to be written. I was about half way through when he was killed. The grief meant I couldn't hear those words anymore. But, I keep centering myself and listening and recently I have started hearing those words again, faintly now, but growing stronger every day. So, I try to work on the book every morning. That is part of what this blog is about, learning to write again.

 I have  a lawyer helping me with the Worker's Comp situation. My hands don't work well, it takes me a very long time to type anything as I am back to one finger typing.  I no longer walk unassisted as I deal with the neurological disease!. But I am becoming more mobile every day thanks to my purple walker. My purple walker and I can make it around our neighborhood  praying as I breathe.

There is my son, who matures a little more every day as he strives to learn the lessons that his dad left him with.  With the lessons he has from Dad and the lessons he learns from his obsession with NASCAR and the St. Louis Blues hockey team he is becoming a fine young man. We have every hope that he will be able to live independently and earn a living some day. I have swallowed my pride and we are applying for disability for the both of us. I will try to keep my house. My husband wanted to have a house for Our son. He wanted to be able to leave him someplace to live. Of course, that was when we thought we would grow old together and have the mortgage paid off.

We had hopes and dreams like every couple. In fact, the morning before he was killed, my husband and I talked about our dreams for the future. We knew that my health issues would someday keep me from working on my feet. So we had a plan for me to take classes and build a business as a life coach before that happened. With the writing and the classes we felt confident that I could transition to a wheelchair more easily. Our dreams have been on hold, but I will find a way to pay for the classes and I will continue to write. Just because I know the truth does not mean I do not still believe in those dreams. Those dreams aren't gone, they have only been deferred a bit.

Faith is how I get through every day. I know that My Creator has a plan for me. I may not be privy to all of the details, but I know there is a plan. I know that there is a plan for my son, and I see him moving forward  a little bit more every day. We were blessed with the opportunity to take a vacation a few months ago. It felt like a sign that we were moving into a new place, that the grief was becoming lighter. We will never be able to get back to normal, but we will be able to create a new normal. I know this is true. My faith and my knowledge and trust in my God all tell me that. When it all comes down to it, may faith and my integrity are all I own. That's the truth. and I still believe!

Choose to Hope

The quote for today is...
There are no hopeless situations; there are only men who have grown hopeless about them.~~Clare Booth Luce

Now, the definition of hope as a noun includes-desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment, but turn hope into a verb, an action word and  that definition becomes-to cherish a desire with anticipation. So when do we slip from having hope, having a desire that we believe will be fulfilled, from cherishing that desire, to a place of hopelessness,having no expectation of good or success,incapable of solution, management, or accomplishment? I think we slip into that place when we forget that hope is an action word. When we forget that to have hope should include cherishing that desire enough to do the things that we need to do to bring about the outcomes that we are desiring. We let go of hoping when we start to believe the untrue things we hear from people around us, or replaying the old tapes in our heads that tell us we are not good enough, or worthy of accomplishing our dreams and desires. As Ms. Luce reminds us, there are no hopeless situations, only those of us who have given away our hopefulness.

 

Whatever you are dreaming of, be that working towards a healthier lifestyle, or going back to school, or letting go of a destructive habit, there is always hope. But you have to remember that hope is an action word, and that if you perform the action of hope, you will be taking the steps toward reaching the desires of your heart. Doesn't matter how big or small those steps are, it only matters that you continue to take those steps.Now some of those steps you will have to take over and over, but that's OK. Every step you take is a step away from where you used to be. If you have to take a step over, you are never taking that step from the same place you took it the first time. So, for today have hope. Have hope and take a step, any step toward making that hope a reality. The first step is to stop listening to anyone who tells you that you can't achieve the things you are hoping for. Stop believing that you do not deserve to hope for success. Stop believing that, especially if you are the one telling yourself that. Have hope, take a step, you deserve to cherish your desires, and if you don't no one else will.