My Wish For Us All

My wish for us all...

The quote for today is...
Garner up pleasant thoughts in your mind, for pleasant thoughts make pleasant lives.~~John Wilkins~~

Think good things! I can't tell you how many times I have to remind myself of this. Thinking good things will keep me rooted in the now, the present, living in the moment in a way that I can remember that this moment will never come again. Recognizing that our Higher Power is here, right now moving through our everyday activities, no matter how trivial they might seem. The floors need swept, there is a chance to speak to your Higher Power as you move the broom back and forth. I love using the rhythms of life to take a moment to slip into a quick meditation. The dishes need washed, right there is a moment to be thankful for the bounty that provides food in excess. Yes, in excess. One of my favorite spiritual practices is baking bread. I have prayers that fit perfectly the rhythm of kneading dough.
Yes garner up pleasant thoughts. Garner means to gather into storage, to earn, to accumulate, to acquire by effort. So grab onto any pleasant thought that passes, store it away in your memory where you can bring it out when you need something to remind that life is good. Something to remind you of all that you are, and all that you can be. There is in every one of us the ability to give beyond reason. To care beyond hope. To love without limit. To reach, stretch, and dream, in spite of your fears. There is in each of us the ability to give beyond reason, and we do so every day when we take time to encourage and uplift each other. The ability to care beyond hope, as we come together to pray and care about the concerns of each, we expect the best outcome beyond the hope of the seen into the hope of the unseen. We love without limit. All of my friends  from around the world who found each other , loving each other through the day no matter what obstacles and challenges come our way. Reach, stretching, dreaming, knowing that there is a place where we can share those dreams and be encouraged to make them come true.Yes, acquire those pleasant thoughts, store them up, use them liberally to remember, that life indeed is good, and so are you!!

Peace and Blessings,
EB
 

Everyday Miracles and The Best Medicine

I've had a really stressed out crappy day. Seems like they are like that lately. Life has been really hard,and quite frankly has worn me out. The months of triple digit weather have left me feeling depleted, physically, spiritually, and financially. After catching up the electric and gas bills,buying some groceries, getting my sons prescriptions filled, I am left with 86 cents in the bank and the low fuel light is on in my car. It is the 15th of the month, how is that supposed to work?

But, in the midst of all that, I am reminded that I am indeed blessed. I was able to catch up the electric bill, which was twice what I had budgeted the last few months because of those triple digit temps, because of a small miracle. I was sitting in my meditation spot, talking to Creator, wondering how to pay the bill.Nothing came to mind, I finished my meditations. Grabbed a cup of coffee and logged on the computer. There I was reading my facebook feed and I got a message from a friend. Check my paypal account. This friend had felt like I needed to be blessed. There was the money for to catch up the electric bill. Now I use the word friend, but this is someone who I have never met in person, someone I met in a community on the computer.Amazing. Even though we are not of the same religion, we both had our faith reinforced that day. I was reminded that in the midst of my stressed out crappy life Spirit still hears me and she was reminded that in the midst of some spiritual questioning she still hears Spirit.

A few days later, in another cyber community, I asked my friends to say extra prayers for me. That's all, I didn't share the need, I just asked for prayers, because being broke this summer because of the heat and everything costing too much is just not conducive to me climbing out of the depression I have been struggling with. But, one of the needs was the gas bill. Granted, I don't need the gas for heat, but hot water is a good thing.Later that day, I got a message from another friend-this one I have met personally, but we originally met online-again the message was to check my paypal account. There was the money to pay the gas bill and get some groceries.

So, I know that Spirit is aware of me, and that I have friends who hear Spirit. Those seem really rather miraculous to me these days.Depression is a terrible disease, one that take's a lot of my energy to deal with,and I just haven't had the extra energy lately. But, even though it feels like my steps forward can be measured in centimeters, I do think I am starting to move forward a bit,and as I am often heard to say...every step you take is a step away from where you used to be. Now it may only be a centimeter away, but it is away. So, here I am, struggling,and today just throws everything it can at me. That stupid low fuel light came on when we went to the library, and then we got home and on the hottest day of the week my electricity goes out. Now my first response was to panic. I opened the front door, and the stairwell light in our building was still on. Because while I had caught up, the next bill has arrived,and my anxious mind immediately thought they had turned my electricity off. Just then, the apartment door across the hall opened,and their electricity was off too. So, the neighbor heads down to the basement of the building and it turns out it was the circuit breakers for the ground floor apartments.  So, one more crisis averted.

Of course, my panic reflex had already kicked on, and so it has been a long afternoon. My pain level went up and I got a headache. Stress will do that, its the adrenaline I think. That's when the Best Medicine showed up. My son checked out a DVD at the library,and put it in the player. It is a DVD of all of the Tom and Jerry cartoons ever made, and so for the last hour my house has been filled with the most beautiful sound in the whole world, my son's laughter. Tom and Jerry cartoons are his type of humor, and his laughter seems to come from his toes,and fill his whole body-and he is 6' 7" tall, so that is a BIG laugh. A beautiful, musical laugh that makes me smile. It's been a while since I smiled,and today, after the stress, after the worries, I have been smiling for over an hour.

So, while I still have problems,and while I still have depression, I have managed to take a step away, a step filled with smiles, and that seems to me to be the very best thing in a long time. Just a few everyday miracles and laughter, the best of medicines. Spirit seems to be hearing me, don't you think?

My Thoughts on the coming rapture...

OK, I am not a theologian, so I am not going to even worry about whether or not there is such thing as a rapture. I am not going to worry about whether or not that rapture is going to take place tomorrow. I honestly just can't think about all of that.But I saw a question on Facebook that we should all ask ourselves every day.

It doesn't matter what your religious beliefs are. Does not matter whether you have any religious beliefs. This question should concern each and every one of us, every sunrise or sunset of our lives.So here it is...

If you knew today was the last day of your life what would you do? How would you spend the last day of your life?

Recently I have been doing lots of paperwork as I apply for disability benefits. One of things I have  to do is describe what I do from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed. Wow, that is an open ended, intrusive, scary, really difficult question for me to answer. Think about it for a minute. Describe what you do from the time you wake up to the time you go to bed.My first thought was, I am not sure I want to think about it.Do I want some bureaucrat who is deciding whether I receive disability benefits or go to live in a shelter to know how I spend every moment of the day. MORE importantly...  Do I really want to know how I spend every moment of my day?

There are so many things for me to decide as I attempt to answer this question. First, what do I consider as the time I wake up and the time I go to bed. I have,among other issues, a chronic pain disorder, I do not go to bed and sleep for 8 hours. I sleep 30 minutes to 2 hours at a time, depending on my pain levels, my bladder needs, etc. When I wake up it takes me a while to get back to sleep. Am I sleeping in my bed, or my recliner, at the time? I switch from one to the other trying to get comfortable. If I am in the recliner I have a couple of pillows that I need to position, if I am in the bed I have 10-12 pillows that I use to position my body.SO, when do I get up in the morning? When do I go to bed? Already I have a problem with attempting to answer this question. Can you see why I received a cranky phone call wondering why I haven't returned to forms yet.

The issue of how I spend my day has been on my mind recently, so when I see the question on Facebook about how I might spend the day if I knew it was the last day of my life I have a frame of reference. But, as a person of faiht, I should have a frame of reference for this questioin anyway. My religious beliefs lead me to think I should be spending every day as if it were the only day I have left, and really isn't that true for all of us, no matter our beliefs?

I can state without any reservations that life can end in the blink of an eye. I know that you can be driving home from work and be killed by a drunk driver. I know from the experience of friends and relatives that life is a tenuous thing any and every day that we live it. So to me the answer to the question is that I must live every day of my life as if it were my last. I must choose to live even the most boring, mundane day as if it were all I have because it is.

So my plans for today are quite simple. I will spend time in prayer. I recently read prayer described as an act of service done for the sake of the world. When I read that it make me think about the way I choose to spend my prayer time (but I think that is the subject for a post of its own).I will spend time watching Nascar with my son. I will do a couple of loads of laundry. I will check facebook and the Weight Watcher's message boards to stay in touch with friends and family and read about causes and things of interest to me.I will work on a blog post or two. I will have breakfast, lunch, dinner, and several snacks.I will read the newspaper. I will attempt to finish the paperwork for that the disability determination specialists need. I will choose to attempt to do all of these things with a positive attitude. I will work on some issues with my Creator. Pretty much a routine day for me.

I know that every day could be my last. I hope that I am able to have another day tomorrow, but I have no way of knowing that I will. I make my choices knowing that every step I take is a step away from where I used to be, and I hope those steps are the right steps. Perhaps this is my last blog post, so I want to say thank you to those who choose to spend a few minutes of the last day of their lives reading what I am thinking about. I am humbled that you would choose to use that time reading something I write.

Oh dear, Mt. Laundry calls. Have a blessed day!

Feeling Surreal Today

In the last few weeks, I have learned something about myself.  Due to circumstances beyond my control, I am forced to apply for disability benefits and medicaid for my son and myself. I have put it off far too long, and now my financial problems are so drastic because I did. My son and I will in all likelihood lose our home because of my recalcitrant behavior. I find that all of the things I read and see my conservative friends post about 'entitlements' and programs to help the poor now apply to me.

The application process for disability is not easy, in fact I am still working on one of the parts of the application-3 days later. I have already had 3 phone interviews with 3 different people, and there is much more to come.

I have spoken to my therapist in the past about learning to accept the fact that I am no longer able to work. It is so difficult to admit that you are not able to provide for your child and yourself.In our culture we are so often judged and valued by what we do for a living. I was very proud of my job. I gave it 110 percent every day, and I was very good at what I did. So, now, since I no longer have the ability to stand on my feet or use my hands I feel useless. I spend time writing, and trying to figure out what it is I am supposed to do.

The day Mr. Bill was killed, we sat on the deck and had coffee together before I went to work. We discussed our hopes and dreams, plans for the future. We were aware that I would not be able to work at the store forever. So, we talked about me taking courses to do a totally different type of work.We were  so happy that morning, planning a new direction for our life. Then, on his way home from work that night, a drunk driver killed him, and my life has been spiraling out of control ever since. So here I am, no money in the bank, plowing through the paperwork for disability, hoping that there is a way to save our home, and support us through the next part of our life.

Sometimes, I wake in the morning and I am so confused. Who am I? How did I get here? One of my favorite quotes says "Shame on the body for breaking down while the spirit perseveres~John Dryden" So, do I blame my body for breaking down and taking away my ability to work? Do I blame the drunk driver that took my husband from me in the blink of an eye? Do I blame the company I worked for because they terminated me instead of working with me when I became disabled?

I think that I must move forward, accept that my body has broken down. Now I must find a way for my spirit to persevere. Now, I must swallow my pride, and apply for benefits to help support my son and me. Now I must allow the forgiveness that I so often and so easily extend to others to apply to myself.

In this age of social networking and blogging we are privvy to more information about our friends than we used to be. So, now, I can see on my fb newsfeed the religious and political thoughts of hundreds of people every day. I see my conservative friends posting things that lead me to believe that they will look down upon me as I apply for benefits. It hurts to be in this position.

It hurts to do things like adding a paypal button to your blog, hoping that someone might see it and feel led to share. It wasn't that long ago that I was sharing with others. It hurts to feel hopeless and to feel like you are failing in your role as a parent. And so you add these feelings to the other things going on in your spirit, the grief, the pain in your body, the loneliness.  You seek to allow your Higher Power to work in you and through you and for you. Then you blog it and let it go. Surreal, yes, but these days what isn't!

Walking in Faith

Mr. Bill and I were engaged for 4 years. It took us one month to meet, fall in love, and promise to spend the rest of our lives together and 4 years for us to work through the issues that needed to be worked through before we made it to the altar. Well, if a table in a coffee shop in a county courthouse can be called an altar.

Now, it would be lovely if I could say that all of the issues were his, and that I was issue free. It would be lovely, but it would be untrue, and the truth is important to me!! Mr. Bill had what we referred to as the practice wives. 3 of them. I was the 4th Mrs. Bill! Mr. Bill was the first and ONLY Mr. Esther! We were in our late 40's when we met, so we had a  lot of miles between us, relationship wise, and those miles came with lots of baggage.Baggage that had to be opened and looked at and sorted through, with the detritus left behind us.

One of the things that is most surprising to me now, is the issue of independence. I was a very independent woman when we met. I had to learn to allow someone else take care of things. I had to learn that I could depend on someone. One of my major issues is that I do not ask for help. I have never been able to ask for help. I learned in my childhood that asking for help was unwise, and that there was no one I could depend on to help me. So, I grew up knowing that people were not to be depended on, not to be trusted. By the time I met my husband I was pretty much set in my ways.

So, Mr. Bill crossed the street, and we spent the next 11 plus years learning from and with each other. I learned to trust and depend on another human being. I learned that it was OK to allow someone to know me better than I knew myself. I learned to love and to be loved.

But, I am still learning to ask for help. I always think, right up to the last minute that I will come up with a solution. So, I put off asking for help until it's too late. I just know that God has a plan, and that I will hear from my Creator, telling me how to fix it. It has always worked that way.

I have always been blessed in my life. Even when times were tough, God has always provided for us. When my son was small, it seemed that we had miracle after miracle. I love to tell the stories of God's provision.

One of my favorite stories is the one we call "The toilet tissue story" We were down to our very last roll of toilet tissue. Now that seems like a really small worry in the grand scheme of things, but to a single mom raising a special needs child, sometimes its the small things that matter. We put the last roll of toilet tissue on the holder, and I knew that I did not have the money to buy a package of toilet tissue. I would  not have the money until the first of the month, and it was the 20th. 11 days from payday. So, as I placed that last roll of toilet tissue on the holder I just gave the problem to God. Every day for 11 days, I looked at that roll of toilet tissue, and every day for 11 days, that roll of toilet tissue appeared to remain the same size. Now I know that was not possible. I knew it wasn't possible while it was happening, but it never grew smaller. Until payday, when it seemed to go from full roll to empty roll in a matter of moments. I have shared our toilet tissue miracle many,many times over the years, and people look at me funny every time I share it. All, I know is that to this single mom, that roll of toilet tissue represented God's provision in an amazing way.

Another of my favorite stories from that time in our lives is the story of the Christmas Cards. As Christmas got closer and closer, I did not have the money to purchase gifts for my son. So, once again, I gave it up to God. The other moms at the bus stop would ask and I would tell them I was waiting for God to provide.Sometimes it is hard for people to understand that. When you choose to walk in faith, it often looks unrealistic to those around you. As the days of December counted down, I knew that they thought I was crazy. But, I just kept telling them that I was not worried, God would provide for my son to get what he had asked for.

 On December 23,  I walked to the bus stop to meet my son. It was December 23rd, and I still did not know how, but I knew that God would provide.On my way to the bus stop, I picked up my mail. There were 6 envelopes in the mail box that day. I carried them with to the bus stop at the end of the street, and as the other moms and I waited for the bus to come, I opened my mail. I opened a card without a return address, and in the card was $70 dollars in cash. The card was signed, A Friend. That was all. The other moms and I were so excited, as I showed them the card, and reminded them that I knew God would provide. Then I opened the next card, in the card was $70 dollars in cash. That card was signed simply With Love. I shook as I opened the last card. In the card $70 dollars in cash, signed Santa. Of course, I was crying tears of joy, and tears of amazement, as I was able to share with the other moms God's amazing provision.

So, here we are again, waiting for God to provide. I have had to overcome my issue of not being able to ask for help, a lesson that Creator has been trying to teach me for years. Mr. Bill tried to help me learn it, but he was killed before I got it. So, I am still working it out.

They turned off our gas yesterday, so we do not have hot water or heat right now. But the choice was between the gas bill and medication for my son, and to me the choice was obvious. I am a single mom again, a widow with a special needs child. My child is no longer small, but he is still my child, and we are still waiting on God's provision. Faith is a choice, not always an easy choice, but a choice nonetheless.  So, all that's left is for me to watch and see how long the roll of toilet tissue lasts this time, because I know that in God's time our needs will be met.

I'll let you know how it turns out!

Mea Culpa WARNING this is just a rant!

Disclaimer: This was brought on by a political discussion on facebook. For those who do not know this I am a Progressive Liberal Democrat in my political beliefs. I am usually told I am not a Christian, but i would describe myself as a Progressive Liberal Christian if pressed.


I just read this on a friends page-the discussion was political- and I swear, I honestly am still crying....

"Thousands of people die because they cannot afford health insurance." What a flipped-over perspective. No, thousands of people die because they are sick. Meanwhile, millions of people get well because they can afford health insurance which pays for the *privilege* of healthcare. (Remember, the default state of the world does not contain any healthcare. Humans created healthcare, which means there is a cost associated with it that someone must pay. A person has no more right to a pharmaceutical company's lifesaving chemo treatment than my neighbor has a right to the contents of my medicine cabinet.)

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 How did we as a society get to the place where I honestly am feeling like perhaps I should just commit suicide for the good of my neighbors or of the state? (Don't worry, I will feel better in a few minutes! I'll be angry then I will forgive myself and others, then I will put these folks in my prayers) How did evil get this much of a stranglehold on folks psyche? I lost my husband to a drunk driver, and since have lost everything else to medical bills and prescription costs. How dare I continue to live in a world where I got sick? Or had the audacity to give birth a developmentally challenged child. Why don't they just put us in the boxcars now???

This excerpt was just a small part of the rant, and I know we have all seen them before.Truthfully, it could have been written by any one of number of people I consider friends. I am blessed in that I have an incredibly strong faith, granted it is feeling stretched and tested right now, but I  remember a link[search YouTube for 'Thom Hartmann: A 99'er trashes the American dream and welcomes death'] that was going around the internet a few weeks ago about the gentleman that didn't know that life is good and chose to end his life instead? How many do you think are being led to that decision by the hate that is being spewed by their neighbors? I can feel Spirit welling up in me, weeping with me, and perhaps today is a good day to worry about these things. As we start the season leading up to the most glorious story, the holiday that SHOULD be the biggest and most important day on the calendar, we must do everything we can to make sure that love wins. Resurrection power is available and we should be looking forward to that as we ponder this day.

I honestly feel some days like the man in the Thom Hartman report. I feel as if it would be better to end it all, as I am not a productive citizen of this country right now. I am sorry that I am not able to work anymore. I loved my job, I really did. I worked in a grocery store, not where I thought I would end my working years, but I was really good at what I did, and I had the opportunity to touch lives every day. It was where Spirit directed me,and where I was able to minister the love of God on a daily basis.

I love my God with all my heart, all my mind, and all my spirit. Since I was 4 years old I have listened to the voice that tells me where I am needed. I have trusted that through many different ways my God would provide for me. I have saved, like a smart person, but since my husband was killed and I was injured,I  have used up all of the savings to pay doctor bills and buy the meds I need.

I did not mean to get a rare neurological disease. HONEST! I remember sitting with my husband the morning of his last day and discussing our plans for the future. We had dreams like everyone else. He had been unemployed for 5 months. He was denied unemployment benefits, so we were not a drag on society, we muddled through by drawing down our savings. He was starting his new job that day, and he was so happy. He loved to work. He loved providing for his family. He had dreams of our being financially stable again, so that I could work less as my disease progressed. I was going to work less, and go back to school for a year to become certified in another profession. One I could do from home, sitting in a wheelchair.We had plans and dreams. After all, we lived in the heart of the country, we believed in "The American Dream" We worked hard, we met challenges head on, and we climbed back up every time we got knocked down.He was the proudest hardest working man I knew, and he trusted in his ability to take care of his family. Whenever I would get stressed out about things, he would say to me "Will money fix it? Because, I am going to make more money, have another paycheck soon." We spent a lovely hour discussing our plans and dreams.

Eighteen hours later a young woman who had had way too  much to drink chose to drive home.Three short hours later the Highway Patrolman rang my doorbell, and our world turned upside down.  

I never meant to be a widow, for my son to be an orphan. NEVER!I never meant to be sick, I never meant to get to this place where I would be forced to apply for help. NEVER! God has provided for us always, but I am not sure that God can get through the type of thinking is being evidenced in the rants I am reading on facebook and elsewhere these days. I am not sure there are enough people who are hearing God anymore. The 'god' of this world considers me disposable.In this country, in this time, I am not a person who deserves to continue living.I am broke, and sick, and I can't afford insurance anymore. I can't afford my house payment, or a tank of gas even. So I do not, according to this friend of a friend on facebook,DESERVE help. I would not be so upset right now, except this friend of a friend represents the majority of opinions I am reading.

So, to my Conservative friends I apologize.I am so sorry that my precious son and  I have become ones of 'the least of these'.I am very sorry that I am older, and sicker and poorer than I ever thought was possible. I did not mean for any of this to happen.

To my Liberal Progressive friends, I am sorry that I have not been strong enough, that I have not fought harder,prayed longer, stood up more visibly for the God I love. I will attempt to do better, even as I feel my ability to fight slipping away from me.

I am starting to feel calmer, starting to think I should delete this. But I can hear Spirit telling me to publish my rant, and so I will. I will pray for the friends of my friend, and I will pray for each of us, no matter which side of the arguments we live on.

This is my confession before this world- Life is good, even when life is hard, and scary. Life is good.There is a God, and this God expects certain things of us. This God that I believe in doesn't require all that much...Micah 6:8 And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God...

I know that I am doing my best to fulfill those requirements. I firmly believe as the 13th century Christian Mystic Julian of Norwich did that "All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well..."

Still Small Voice

If you follow my blog, you know that I am dealing with a winter season in my life. In the winter season we have time, opportunity and need to examine some very basic questions:who am I, why am I , and where am I going? The answers to these questions do not come easily for some of us. They require that we are able to get quiet and find the place in us where the only thing we can hear is the voice of our Creator. That voice is quiet, described so often as a still small voice. I think it is quiet so that we have to seek it and get quiet to find it. If we go looking for the voice of our Creator among the loud, cacophony that is passing as the voice of reason we will not find it. If the voice we hear is loud and angry it probably is not the voice of the Divine but rather the voice of what I think of as the "Other" If in our seeking we hear a loud voice telling us it is Okay to attack, or say bad things, or urges us to violence of any type, that is not the voice we should listen to. We have to learn to tune out that voice, to not allow it to have any place in our spirit. The voice we seek is a voice that sounds so sweet, so loving that we will more often than not weep with joy when we hear it.

When we are afraid, or emotionally charged, or angry it is so hard to hear the small voice. We need to learn how to let go of those fears and emotions, learn to forgive ourselves and others and move forward to that place in us that exists in such a way that only the voice of our Divine One fits. We must learn to abhor violence and to steer away from it. It is easier to get to that quiet place when there are not storms raging around us.

I remember the first time I heard the small voice. I was just a little girl, but I was in a position of great fear and danger. I had been sobbing, and ran out of energy to even continue crying, and so as I caught my breath I heard this voice that felt like it was all around me and  inside of me tell me to not be afraid, it would be alright very soon. The voice talked soothing things to me as I waited for rescue which did come soon. Not soon enough to save me from the violent act perpetrated, but it came, and I fell in love with that voice.

Now I know, some might think "How does a little girl KNOW that she is hearing Spirit speak to her? More likely she was imagining it." Well, you may think that, but I tell you I know that it was Spirit, and that I have been seeking and journeying pretty much since that first time according to the things that that voice tells me.

So, in this winter season of my life, I am doing my best to spend as much time as I can listening for the voice. For me,that means more time spent in prayer and meditation. Time spent trying to get my mind to shut up so I can hear what is going on in my spirit. This isn't always easy. I've noticed that since I can't work, I tend to wander around the house at times. You know, heading to the kitchen, then deciding to go to the bathroom, then stopping to pick up a magazine in the living room until I remember that I took the milk out of the fridge before I had to pee. My mind does that when I am trying to get centered to meditate and pray.Sometimes it feels like  I have to take myself by the hand and lead myself there.

So, I go back to the very basics, leading myself through the breathing exercises I learned many decades ago as if I were just learning them today.Breathe, in through the mouth one,two,three,four;out through the nose one, tow, three,four,five.In with the cleansing and strengthening power of the air. Out with the toxins of the day that tire us out. In with the oxygen that will energize each cell in our body. Out with the thoughts and poisons that clutter our minds. I am pretty sure Most High doesn't care how I get there, only that I get there. Thankfully my inner GPS still has the place marked. Now all I have to do is to remember to let the voice be my GPS for life's journeys.It's the only way I will get anywhere, since we all know I tend to wander.

Until next time,
EstherBelle




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Juggling

As we move from summer into fall, we are moving into a different rhythm of life. Those with school age children are getting into the juggling of schedules for school and homework and activities. It seems that life revolves around the children's world, and we just don't have enough hours in the day to get everyone where they need to be. Dance, tumbling, sports, parent teacher meetings, open houses take up our evenings. The mornings are a rush of getting everyone up and out the door, decent and fed and ready for the day. Those who work outside the home are off to the job, stay-at-home moms are working too.Now we add the holiday season! Seems as if the to-do list just grew exponentially, and the time, well that shrunk exponentially. It all revolves around the family. That family may be mom and dad and one or more children, or may be just mom and a child or two. No matter what the family looks like it is a family, and it is the sun that our planets revolve around.

So, there we are juggling as fast as we can to keep all of the balls in the air. Oh, wait, there is a ball sitting on the floor, not being tossed in the mix. Which ball is that? Oh, yeah, it's the ball that represents the time to care for ourselves. Well, that's just not as important, we think, all these other balls are higher priority. We're wrong of course. That ball sitting there on the floor should be our highest priority. Taking care of ourselves should be job one. BUT, we start, The kids, the husband, they have all of these needs. I just don't have time.

So, we keep juggling, and we get so tired, and we get kind of frustrated and resentful, and we get burned out. Oh, we sigh, what is the answer? The answer is that we need to pick up that ball from the floor first. We need to find time to take care of our needs, and as my son so eloquently says "Time to refresh your soul". But how? Well, just like every part of our journeys, it starts with one step. The first step is to find time to just breathe.Time to find a few minutes to sit still, and fill our lungs with the gift of the wind. It is time to find a place that is just for us. Doesn't have to be a big space, can be just a chair in the corner of the bedroom, or a place on the deck. Any place that we can claim for our needs. It needs to be quiet and comfortable. Place an item or two that please you next to the chair. I have a knick-knack that represents a mother sitting in a rocker. It was a gift from our son and Mr. Bill about 10 years ago. I have a worry stone that Mr. Bill bought me on our family honeymoon trip to the Black Hills. 

So, once we have claimed our space all we need is a bit of time. If we are claiming a few minutes at the end of the day, we might start by making a cup of tea. Use the time while heating the water and brewing the tea to start claiming the time as your own. Telling yourself that this time is sacred. This time is for you! Now you have your cup of tea, my favorite is chamomile, since it helps me relax and sleep better. I sit down with my cup of tea, and breathe. In through the nose, out through the mouth. As I breathe in slowly, deeply, I draw in strength. As I breathe out slowly and fully I let go of the stresses and tensions of the day. Breathe in strength, breathe out the toxins of stress. Now I can sip my tea for a moment and pay attention to my breathing again. Breathe in, breathe out. Each inhalation and exhalation can become a prayer. This is why I say for me to breathe is to pray. As I take a long slow deep breath, I breath in the wind, which is the Spirit, and allow Spirit to bless me and refresh my body and soul. As I breathe in I express my gratitude for the day. As I breathe out I pray a blessing for someone I love. All of this in a few minutes at the end of the day. A perfect building block, a brick to build on as you start to take care of you. Taking care of you is the most unselfish act you will perform because as you take care of you, you become more able to take care of the others who depend on you. You become a better wife, mother, daughter, friend, and you have placed a brick on the pathway for your journey.

Faith

Just because you know the truth does not mean you don't believe. At first glance that doesn't sound like an affirmation of faith, but that is exactly what it is. My son is blessed with autism. He was in middle school and still believed in Santa. After all, he knew that every year the things on his Christmas list appeared under the tree. He knew that his single Mom couldn't afford those things, so he knew that there was a Santa Claus. He was now being teased at school because he was excited that he was going to visit Santa at the mall. So sometime during the following summer Mom told him about Santa. I told him that the gifts really came from God's, sometimes miraculous, provision. He was a boy with a strong faith, and he knew that we trusted God to provide for us, so he understood about Santa Claus.

We talked about it a couple of times that summer, each time he seemed to understand. Then, months later as the holidays approached he became concerned about going to visit Santa Claus. I reminded him about our conversations, and told him that I didn't think he would want to visit Santa this year. "MOM" he said, "Just because you know the truth does not mean you don't believe." Turns out, he is right. We kept believing in a God that provides. That summer  Mom got a better job, we met the man who would become my husband and the only dad my son has ever known.

Thirteen years later, I look at the our circumstances and I see the truth of how dire things are right now. I see the less than $100 dollars in our bank account, and I know that is the truth. I look at the empty side of the bed where my husband used to sleep and I know the truth. The autumn before last he was killed by a drunk driver on his way home from work. His way home from his first night on a new job. I look at hard times we have gone through since he was killed and I see the truth. In the year after my husband was killed we went from crisis to crisis. My son could not articulate his grief and stress and so he internalized it all and became seriously ill with an intestinal obstruction.  The holidays slipped past us quietly that winter. My son said it best when I asked him about one of our traditions and he said "No, we're just not feeling festive this year." By the end of January his health was improved, and we were struggling with being a single income family with a two income mortgage. I missed a payment. Then in February I fell at work and tore my biceps tendon and rotator cuff. I ended up having to have surgery to repair the rotator cuff and reattach the biceps tendon. While I was struggling with that our house went into foreclosure. Scheduled to be sold on the courthouse steps on June 12. I FINALLY got things straightened out on June 10. Then on June 14th, the day before I would start physical therapy for my shoulder I slipped in my kitchen and broke my knee. I was in hospital for 4 days, then sent to a "Rehabilitation Center". The only one my insurance would pay for. Trouble was I have had a rare neurological disease since 2001. The pain is excruciating, but with my doctors I can manage it with the appropriate meds. BUT my meds were not on the list of meds the rehab center uses, so I could not get them. My disease flared, then went into full body crisis, and still they would not give me the medication. I had to check myself out and come home  with my leg in an immobilizer from hip to toes. I was released by the shoulder surgeon to go back to work, of course I couldn't and had to take medical leave. My knee healed extremely well, but extremely slowly. I was terminated from my job. Seems you only get 6 months to heal.

But, in all of this my faith is strong. Most High has continued to bless us, and we are continuing to trust for that provision. Right now I am waiting for the Workers Comp insurance company to release the funds they owe me. It is taking longer than promised, so we are penniless for the moment. But, we have the promises of God to sustain us, and I have my prayer times to keep me balanced and thankful. See, just because you know the truth-even when that truth looks pretty scary-does not mean you don't believe.

I started using Centering prayer almost 20 years ago. I was having trouble finding a church home for my son and myself. Yes, my son could be difficult. As a result, we were asked to leave several churches. Sometimes after we had gotten comfortable and made friends there. I started feeling like the church was rejecting us, but I knew that God was always there and that if I can be quiet I can hear the Voice that I have known since I was a small child. The Voice that comforts me, that sends me out into the world, that keeps me sane. I use Centering prayer  as a means to be quiet. I am so thankful that as I have spent more and more time in prayer it has become true for me that to breathe is to pray. I can pray with every inhale and exhale, every breath can be a prayer. Every prayer teaches me more about my Creator.

So, I listen and hope and rejoice  with that Voice. I know the promises and I am thankful that "Blessed are they who mourn" because my grief is deep. There are no words to tell you the hurt of losing my husband. Widow is a hard word to hear-even harder to type. There are those who do not understand that I was able to forgive the young woman who drove drunk that night. In my life I have come to understand that unforgiveness is about wanting to be right, and to forgive means that you let go of the need to be right and let God have that honor. Unforgiveness is tantamount to telling God that I am not grateful for the forgiveness that I receive on a daily basis. So I forgive and move forward without the burden of bitterness. Grief is hard enough without that! So, even though I know the truth-my husband will not be coming home from work-it does not mean that I don't believe.

I believe in a God that  I can  trust  will provide. Now, I am not sitting around doing nothing. I am working on the book that I started before my husband was killed. He was so proud of me. He had pushed me to write about my faith and my life for years, and then it seemed as if the words just begged to be written. I was about half way through when he was killed. The grief meant I couldn't hear those words anymore. But, I keep centering myself and listening and recently I have started hearing those words again, faintly now, but growing stronger every day. So, I try to work on the book every morning. That is part of what this blog is about, learning to write again.

 I have  a lawyer helping me with the Worker's Comp situation. My hands don't work well, it takes me a very long time to type anything as I am back to one finger typing.  I no longer walk unassisted as I deal with the neurological disease!. But I am becoming more mobile every day thanks to my purple walker. My purple walker and I can make it around our neighborhood  praying as I breathe.

There is my son, who matures a little more every day as he strives to learn the lessons that his dad left him with.  With the lessons he has from Dad and the lessons he learns from his obsession with NASCAR and the St. Louis Blues hockey team he is becoming a fine young man. We have every hope that he will be able to live independently and earn a living some day. I have swallowed my pride and we are applying for disability for the both of us. I will try to keep my house. My husband wanted to have a house for Our son. He wanted to be able to leave him someplace to live. Of course, that was when we thought we would grow old together and have the mortgage paid off.

We had hopes and dreams like every couple. In fact, the morning before he was killed, my husband and I talked about our dreams for the future. We knew that my health issues would someday keep me from working on my feet. So we had a plan for me to take classes and build a business as a life coach before that happened. With the writing and the classes we felt confident that I could transition to a wheelchair more easily. Our dreams have been on hold, but I will find a way to pay for the classes and I will continue to write. Just because I know the truth does not mean I do not still believe in those dreams. Those dreams aren't gone, they have only been deferred a bit.

Faith is how I get through every day. I know that My Creator has a plan for me. I may not be privy to all of the details, but I know there is a plan. I know that there is a plan for my son, and I see him moving forward  a little bit more every day. We were blessed with the opportunity to take a vacation a few months ago. It felt like a sign that we were moving into a new place, that the grief was becoming lighter. We will never be able to get back to normal, but we will be able to create a new normal. I know this is true. My faith and my knowledge and trust in my God all tell me that. When it all comes down to it, may faith and my integrity are all I own. That's the truth. and I still believe!