Forgiveness

Today's quote...
Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.~~Mark Twain~~

Instantaneously in the moment of the crushing, the violet has forgiven and blessed the heel that crushed it. Wouldn't it be nice if we as human beings could come anywhere near that kind of forgiveness. How awesome if when we are hurt we just automatically extended forgiveness, and a blessing to the one that hurt us. It would keep us healed and whole and moving forward in our spiritual journey. In our weight loss journey, it would help us to immediately move from the less than healthy choice we might have made back to making healthy choices in the very next bite.let us take a lesson from the violet, let us release the beautiful fragrance of forgiveness and blessing whether the person that has hurt us is someone else, or our self!!

The dictionary says forgive is to give up resentment of or claim to requital for... to cease to feel resentment against.
I think that to forgive is to let go of any claims we have against the one who offended us. I think it is human nature to want to be the one who is right. To forgive means we let go of the need to be right, to let go of the need to prove our claim. To forgive means that we no longer expect to be compensated for our hurt or loss. AS in the forgiving of a debt, when we forgive our claim to compensation no longer exists.We no longer need to be right.By forgiving we choose to no longer live with the feelings brought on by the offense.We choose to no longer be weighed down by anger,or shame, or embarrassment. No more guilt or denial. You can choose to live in the moment and forgive in that moment.

I need these reminders, constantly that every day is a new day, a new opportunity. I forgive myself and let go of the regrets of the past, not projecting worries to the future, and  live in today, this moment, which is ripe with possibilities and opportunities to make the best choices I can make. Living in the moment, being present in the here and now helps us to let go of the things that would harden our heart or tire our tempers. Letting go, offering forgiveness frees us from the non productive emotions and allows us to keep our hearts tender towards ourselves and others. So, start by forgiving yourself, letting go of anything that would harden your heart, and accepting healing for yourself and extending it toward others. 

Peace and Blessings,

Feeling Surreal Today

In the last few weeks, I have learned something about myself.  Due to circumstances beyond my control, I am forced to apply for disability benefits and medicaid for my son and myself. I have put it off far too long, and now my financial problems are so drastic because I did. My son and I will in all likelihood lose our home because of my recalcitrant behavior. I find that all of the things I read and see my conservative friends post about 'entitlements' and programs to help the poor now apply to me.

The application process for disability is not easy, in fact I am still working on one of the parts of the application-3 days later. I have already had 3 phone interviews with 3 different people, and there is much more to come.

I have spoken to my therapist in the past about learning to accept the fact that I am no longer able to work. It is so difficult to admit that you are not able to provide for your child and yourself.In our culture we are so often judged and valued by what we do for a living. I was very proud of my job. I gave it 110 percent every day, and I was very good at what I did. So, now, since I no longer have the ability to stand on my feet or use my hands I feel useless. I spend time writing, and trying to figure out what it is I am supposed to do.

The day Mr. Bill was killed, we sat on the deck and had coffee together before I went to work. We discussed our hopes and dreams, plans for the future. We were aware that I would not be able to work at the store forever. So, we talked about me taking courses to do a totally different type of work.We were  so happy that morning, planning a new direction for our life. Then, on his way home from work that night, a drunk driver killed him, and my life has been spiraling out of control ever since. So here I am, no money in the bank, plowing through the paperwork for disability, hoping that there is a way to save our home, and support us through the next part of our life.

Sometimes, I wake in the morning and I am so confused. Who am I? How did I get here? One of my favorite quotes says "Shame on the body for breaking down while the spirit perseveres~John Dryden" So, do I blame my body for breaking down and taking away my ability to work? Do I blame the drunk driver that took my husband from me in the blink of an eye? Do I blame the company I worked for because they terminated me instead of working with me when I became disabled?

I think that I must move forward, accept that my body has broken down. Now I must find a way for my spirit to persevere. Now, I must swallow my pride, and apply for benefits to help support my son and me. Now I must allow the forgiveness that I so often and so easily extend to others to apply to myself.

In this age of social networking and blogging we are privvy to more information about our friends than we used to be. So, now, I can see on my fb newsfeed the religious and political thoughts of hundreds of people every day. I see my conservative friends posting things that lead me to believe that they will look down upon me as I apply for benefits. It hurts to be in this position.

It hurts to do things like adding a paypal button to your blog, hoping that someone might see it and feel led to share. It wasn't that long ago that I was sharing with others. It hurts to feel hopeless and to feel like you are failing in your role as a parent. And so you add these feelings to the other things going on in your spirit, the grief, the pain in your body, the loneliness.  You seek to allow your Higher Power to work in you and through you and for you. Then you blog it and let it go. Surreal, yes, but these days what isn't!

Lemon Drops

Merchandising is a science. We are treated to the theories on a daily basis. Why is that cereal on the lower shelf,and the other one on the top shelf. Why is that product next to this product on the display. All ways to tempt us to buy things that we hadn't gone shopping for in the first place. There you are, attempting to navigate the grocery aisle and in your way is a display of something. We've all fallen under the spell of an item we never imagined we needed until some merchandiser worked their magic.

Yesterday, I fell under the spell of one of those incongruently placed displays, and yes, I bought an item that I wasn't thinking of until that moment. But this time I think it must have been a nudge from Sacred Spirit that caused the grocery manager to drop that shipper in that spot. Right there at the end of the laundry detergent/dish soap aisle was a display of small bags of hard candies. Butterscotch, peppermints, and shining as if a spotlight was turned on them, a 4 ounce bag of lemon drops.I reached out and picked up the bag of lemon drops, put the bag in my basket and brought it home with me. This morning, as I sat down to work, I popped a lemon drop in my mouth and was instantly transported from a day of dreary weather and tedious chores to summer days of childhood and the unconditional love of a most amazing woman.

My favorite Auntie loved lemon drops. She carried a bag in her purse and had a bag in the car.Trips with her meant that you would be offered a lemon drop. In fact, you never knew when she would pull the bag out of her purse and offer them around, but you knew that she would.She loved the sweet and sour, there were days that she only kept the drop in her  mouth until the sugar was gone. As kids we cringed when we knew that perhaps she had sucked the sugar off the drops, I think she let us believe that to keep us on our toes.

In that way, isn't life like a lemon drop. Wonderful days with nothing but sweetness, and days that make us pucker from the sour, but the days that are the most important I think are those days that are like that moment when the lemon drop is an exquisite combination of both.

My Auntie was the glue that kept our family together. She taught the most important lessons in the way she lived her life every day. She loved each of us unconditionally, even those of us who weren't particularly lovable. She survived horrible tragedy in her life, and reveled in her blessings. She taught us how to forgive by being forgiving. She forgave some pretty unforgivable things.

She knew great loss. She was pregnant six times. All of her pregnancies were apparently normal pregnancies, lasting the full nine months. But only 2 of her children survived past the first 24 hours of life. Her second child, and her sixth child. How does a woman manage to be pregnant fearing that her baby will die? Of course, in our present time, we have medical technology that can tell us what is happening with our pregnancy. How much harder would it be to know that the child you are loving will not survive. I know young women who have gone through that, and I can't even imagine the strength involved. I asked her how she was able to keep trying, and she just looked at me and said her living daughters were worth it.

She knew great pain, both physical and emotional. Her arms were scarred from burns suffered in girlhood. She was participating in a school Christmas program, and her sleeves caught fire as she placed an ornament on the tree. Trees were lit by candles in her childhood. She suffered months of pain and recovery from  the second and third degree burns on such a large part of her body. Yet, when inevitably a child would point to the scars and ask "Auntie, why do you look like that." She would share how she was burned, but then she would share lovely stories of how her big brother fed her bananas against the doctors orders. She acknowledged that there was pain, but she chose to remember the loving care of her family.

She knew betrayal. She was divorced after 35 years. For reasons the rest of us never understood, her husband left her for another woman. Auntie had forgiven him over and over for being unfaithful. At one point he had an affair with one of her sisters. She forgave him, and she forgave her sister.None of us children had an idea of these things. When, as an adult I brought her my problems,she would never tell me what I ought to do, but  she would share the stories from her life, showing me that life is always about choices. She chose to forgive her husbands affairs because she was a woman of a different time. Had she been a woman of  my generation, she may have had more options and made different choices. But, she was a woman of her generation,and she chose to stay. In her mind it was more important that he was a good provider and good father. She knew that people were imperfect, and felt that he loved her the best he knew how. She remarried a few years later, and had over 20 years with her second husband,who loved her and treated her as if she were a great gift.

My favorite auntie was every one's favorite.She was the favorite sister to each of her siblings.My father was her oldest brother, and he loved and admired her.He was the brother who fed her bananas when the doctored told him they weren't good for her, and it turned out the doctor was wrong. Loving unconditionally was her greatest gift to all of us. It seemed like she took in those of us in her family who were most flawed, and took care of us in such a way that we became better people. We learned from her how to love, how to forgive, and that life is always about choosing to do the best you  know how in each moment, and if you make a bad choice it doesn't keep you from making a better choice the next moment.She taught us that forgiving wasn't about who was right and who was wrong. That when you forgive you give up the right to be right, and you simply offer grace and love.She taught us that life is like a lemon drop. Some days it is sweet, some days it is sour, and if you keep it in your mouth long enough you will be rewarded with that moment when it is the perfect combination of both!