Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Mea Culpa WARNING this is just a rant!

Disclaimer: This was brought on by a political discussion on facebook. For those who do not know this I am a Progressive Liberal Democrat in my political beliefs. I am usually told I am not a Christian, but i would describe myself as a Progressive Liberal Christian if pressed.


I just read this on a friends page-the discussion was political- and I swear, I honestly am still crying....

"Thousands of people die because they cannot afford health insurance." What a flipped-over perspective. No, thousands of people die because they are sick. Meanwhile, millions of people get well because they can afford health insurance which pays for the *privilege* of healthcare. (Remember, the default state of the world does not contain any healthcare. Humans created healthcare, which means there is a cost associated with it that someone must pay. A person has no more right to a pharmaceutical company's lifesaving chemo treatment than my neighbor has a right to the contents of my medicine cabinet.)
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 How did we as a society get to the place where I honestly am feeling like perhaps I should just commit suicide for the good of my neighbors or of the state? (Don't worry, I will feel better in a few minutes! I'll be angry then I will forgive myself and others, then I will put these folks in my prayers) How did evil get this much of a stranglehold on folks psyche? I lost my husband to a drunk driver, and since have lost everything else to medical bills and prescription costs. How dare I continue to live in a world where I got sick? Or had the audacity to give birth a developmentally challenged child. Why don't they just put us in the boxcars now???
This excerpt was just a small part of the rant, and I know we have all seen them before.Truthfully, it could have been written by any one of number of people I consider friends. I am blessed in that I have an incredibly strong faith, granted it is feeling stretched and tested right now, but I  remember a link[search YouTube for 'Thom Hartmann: A 99'er trashes the American dream and welcomes death'] that was going around the internet a few weeks ago about the gentleman that didn't know that life is good and chose to end his life instead? How many do you think are being led to that decision by the hate that is being spewed by their neighbors? I can feel Spirit welling up in me, weeping with me, and perhaps today is a good day to worry about these things. As we start the season leading up to the most glorious story, the holiday that SHOULD be the biggest and most important day on the calendar, we must do everything we can to make sure that love wins. Resurrection power is available and we should be looking forward to that as we ponder this day.

I honestly feel some days like the man in the Thom Hartman report. I feel as if it would be better to end it all, as I am not a productive citizen of this country right now. I am sorry that I am not able to work anymore. I loved my job, I really did. I worked in a grocery store, not where I thought I would end my working years, but I was really good at what I did, and I had the opportunity to touch lives every day. It was where Spirit directed me,and where I was able to minister the love of God on a daily basis.

I love my God with all my heart, all my mind, and all my spirit. Since I was 4 years old I have listened to the voice that tells me where I am needed. I have trusted that through many different ways my God would provide for me. I have saved, like a smart person, but since my husband was killed and I was injured,I  have used up all of the savings to pay doctor bills and buy the meds I need.

I did not mean to get a rare neurological disease. HONEST! I remember sitting with my husband the morning of his last day and discussing our plans for the future. We had dreams like everyone else. He had been unemployed for 5 months. He was denied unemployment benefits, so we were not a drag on society, we muddled through by drawing down our savings. He was starting his new job that day, and he was so happy. He loved to work. He loved providing for his family. He had dreams of our being financially stable again, so that I could work less as my disease progressed. I was going to work less, and go back to school for a year to become certified in another profession. One I could do from home, sitting in a wheelchair.We had plans and dreams. After all, we lived in the heart of the country, we believed in "The American Dream" We worked hard, we met challenges head on, and we climbed back up every time we got knocked down.He was the proudest hardest working man I knew, and he trusted in his ability to take care of his family. Whenever I would get stressed out about things, he would say to me "Will money fix it? Because, I am going to make more money, have another paycheck soon." We spent a lovely hour discussing our plans and dreams.

Eighteen hours later a young woman who had had way too  much to drink chose to drive home.Three short hours later the Highway Patrolman rang my doorbell, and our world turned upside down.  

I never meant to be a widow, for my son to be an orphan. NEVER!I never meant to be sick, I never meant to get to this place where I would be forced to apply for help. NEVER! God has provided for us always, but I am not sure that God can get through the type of thinking is being evidenced in the rants I am reading on facebook and elsewhere these days. I am not sure there are enough people who are hearing God anymore. The 'god' of this world considers me disposable.In this country, in this time, I am not a person who deserves to continue living.I am broke, and sick, and I can't afford insurance anymore. I can't afford my house payment, or a tank of gas even. So I do not, according to this friend of a friend on facebook,DESERVE help. I would not be so upset right now, except this friend of a friend represents the majority of opinions I am reading.

So, to my Conservative friends I apologize.I am so sorry that my precious son and  I have become ones of 'the least of these'.I am very sorry that I am older, and sicker and poorer than I ever thought was possible. I did not mean for any of this to happen.

To my Liberal Progressive friends, I am sorry that I have not been strong enough, that I have not fought harder,prayed longer, stood up more visibly for the God I love. I will attempt to do better, even as I feel my ability to fight slipping away from me.

I am starting to feel calmer, starting to think I should delete this. But I can hear Spirit telling me to publish my rant, and so I will. I will pray for the friends of my friend, and I will pray for each of us, no matter which side of the arguments we live on.

This is my confession before this world- Life is good, even when life is hard, and scary. Life is good.There is a God, and this God expects certain things of us. This God that I believe in doesn't require all that much...Micah 6:8 And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God...

I know that I am doing my best to fulfill those requirements. I firmly believe as the 13th century Christian Mystic Julian of Norwich did that "All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well..."




4 comments:

Janet said...

YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN!! But are loved by all of us!!

Joolie said...

read this due to a facebook link posted by a good friend. Your writing moved me very much. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability. I pray you feel God's presence and love in the midst of your difficulties. And don't listen to crap from greedy folks who don't know any better.

Jeff Elvis said...

Your blog's have been a blessing and always cause me to spend much time pondering your words. thanks again and please keep sharing your thoughts!

Roy Durham said...

Ester belle a bell ring for you here http://royd-spiltmilk.blogspot.com/2011/03/lot-of-awards.html
congratulation
and god bless

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