Of course, he is not insured. He aged off my insurance last year. So, we had to go to the ER that would take him with no insurance. The poor people hospital. The ER was scary, after a wait of several hours to see a doctor, we were first told he might have a ruptured appendix. We were in the ER for 12 long hours before they decided to admit him rather than operate on him. Then 3 days of tests, finally a procedure to drain the abscess.
As you might imagine, none of this was easy for my son. He does not communicate well with strangers. He does not tolerate touch well, and he does not do well with scratchy fabric like that of a hospital gown. All of his senses were over stimulated.
We get discharged from the hospital, and I spend way too much money at the pharmacy, filling the 7 prescriptions we were given.I am worried that I will be a month behind on the mortgage come the first of the month, and now I don't have enough to pay my insurance premium.
Let's add guilt to the mixture. Guilt that I did not ask the right questions, and so my son was in pain for several days as the infection in his abdomen grew. Guilt that I can't work anymore. Guilt that I have been mired in grief for my husband. Guilt. Reinforced several times, in different ways.
Pain. Yes, stress raises my pain level. But, I can't take the medication for breakthrough pain. It makes me drowsy, and I have to be available for my son. So, I am trying to breathe through the pain when the next shoe drops...My dear friend dies. Someone I am close too. I just talked to her last week. New guilt, I didn't have a chance to call her this week.
OK, I am starting to feel foolish. I am the same person who writes about faith, and choices, and HOPE. I am the same person that has heard God since she was 4 years old. Trusted God to provide all of her life. How can I be this stressed out? How can I be this afraid?
The human brain. Experts only understand a small percentage of what it is capable of. Right now, I can tell you it is capable of focusing on the problems so single mindedly that I can't hear the song in my spirit. I can hear the song in my head...
Make the world go away,
Get it off of my shoulders!!
But the song in my spirit, that one is quieter, and I will have to choose to hear it.Choose to breathe through the fear about my sons health, the worry about our financial situation, the grief of losing a good friend, and the guilt I feel in all of these situations.
I don't have the answer this morning, but I do have the choice to not let myself be overwhelmed by it all.I can choose to breathe, I can choose to beleive that God is in control. I may question why all of this is happening, but i know that as often as I would cry " why me?" the answer would still be the same, "Why not me?" Would I wish any of these things on anyone? NO.
Today I choose to continue to believe. I choose to have faith.
Deep breath. I can do this. In honor of my dear friend, whose favorite advice was "Never let anyone steal your peace." I CHOOSE to reclaim my peace.
What a week!