Parking Lots and other anonymous venues

What is it about parking lots? They seem to bring on the worst in people.


Honestly, do people who are probably perfectly reasonable people in real life become total jerks when they get into a parking lot. Or do the people who are actually jerks in real life just stand out when it comes to a space with defined parameters such as a parking lot.

Of course, it may also depend on the parking lot. The parking lot at the grocery store where we shop is one of the most ill-planned, ill-conceived parking lots in the world. Seriously, I have been shopping at this shopping center for years,and still, once a week as I look for a space I say out loud "Whoever designed this parking lot has a lot to answer for."  It is so strikingly badly designed that it hits you every time how awful it is, even after years.

I actually expect people to be disgruntled in this parking lot. This parking lot gives credence to those who believe in karma, or Feng Shui, or the laws of attraction, or just plain good energy vs bad energy.  This parking lot would be a great place for Dante's sign--Abandon Hope, all ye who enter here.

So, what is it that allows people to become or exhibit hateful behavior towards random strangers in a parking lot? I think, it's the anonymity. Anonymity is often used to be hateful to others. Now I don't get it, and you probably don't get it--but there it is. Some people are so immature and miserable in their own skin that being hateful to other people somehow makes them feel superior--andall the more so if it is done anonymously, so that it isn't someone who can actually tell them they are wrong and knock it off.

Social media acts this way too--people who wouldn't dream of saying bigoted, or racist, or downright mean things in real life can use the anonymity of social media to attack other people. Just last nght on facebook, someone decided that the profile picture I use of my late husband and I sharing a kiss looked like two men kissing. So I received messages telling me I was an abomination, God hates me and I deserve to die. Now, I am no stranger to being criticized for my appearance--I am after all The Fat Lady, and I was the Fat girl, strangers choosing to tell me how ugly they found me has always been part of my experience. But, I don't remember  being told I deserve to die before--simply because some old fool thought I was a man kissing another man. The worst part may have been the old fools profile picture-a man standing in front of a Cross wearing a clerical collar.

Now lest we think it is technology that has allowed this to flourish, let me share that those who have lived prior to the cyber get will probably remember the anonymity of slam books. What is a slam book, you younger folks might ask? Well, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth and The Fat Lady was in junior high and high school, the mean girls (and guys) would take a spiral notebook and write hateful ugly comments about a person. This notebook would then pass from mean girl to mean girl and when it was full it would be slipped under the door of your locker or in your desk so that you could read just how ugly and awful and what terrible things you deserved to happen to you. All anonymously of course. So, the technology has changed but the intent is still there. Use anonymity to make yourself feel superior by bullying and humiliating someone who fits your description of "other".

It's wrong. It has always been wrong. But, unfortunately it has become more open--hell, even presidential candidates are doing it these days, and a certain segment of society is reveling in it and feeling like that gives them permission. So, those who would kill a man because of his skin color a hundred years ago are still around. Yes, they are still killing people, but they are also using social media to vent their hate. It's just wrong. And honestly, not enough of us who know its wrong are saying its wrong. When our politicians, our religious leaders are modeling hate--it becomes all too easy for those who hate to feel justified. AND IT IS WRONG!!!

Some days I think must have fallen asleep and awakened in a different universe. Or maybe I am just getting old,but honestly, I don't remember civil discourse being so polarized and divided when I was younger. People have always disagreed, not seen eye to eye on things from religion to politics to current events to sports. I think, back before we communicated through a keyboard we remembered that those we disagreed with were fellow human beings because we were looking them in the eye.It was possible to engage in spirited debate and still remain civil.

It is possible to have friends that you are diametrically opposed to what they support and still remain friends. I know this because it is true in my life. I have friends from all political and religious parts of the spectrum and we love each other. I think it maybe because while we can think the  person is wrong or misguided we can respect that they have the right to feel and believe what they do. We understand that people can honestly look at things and understand them differently. Different doesn't mean someone is right and someone is wrong, it simply means different.And, honestly, differences can be discussed without demonizing or marginalizing the other persons opinion. In fact, as members of society we should each make it our project to bring the civic conversations in this country back to this.Because, the truth is, words have power, and you have no way of knowing who you are hurting with your words.

So, whether it is the guy in the parking lot yelling at me because I parked in a regular parking space rather than the handicap space my license plate entitles me to--yes that happened--or it is some anonymous stranger on Facebook choosing to tell me I deserve to die, we need to stand up and say it is wrong. Knock it off.

Just knock it off. Yes, I know the people I really want to say that to won't be reading my blog...but honestly, it needs to be said.


EB

Empathy

When did we lose the ability to empathize with people?

Last month when the weather should have been spring like, and we were still in the grip of what felt like Narnia winter I posted on facebook what I thought was a joke about being behind on the gas bill...

Dear Mother Nature,
It's the middle of MAY-I don't care how many shares of Missouri Gas Energy you have in your retirement portfolio-I am NOT turning the heat on today. 
Sincerely,
Shivering under a quilt

Dear Mother Nature,
It's May 16. 36 degrees and a frost advisory, seriously? I'll need to find a corner and a cardboard sign to ever catch up on funding your retirement.
Signed,
Shivering

One of my 'friends' messaged me that they would be unfriending me because I was 'whining about being poor again.' Granted, I am not always as funny as I think I am, but 'unfriend' me for a couple of jokes about the weather?

Recently, on a message board I frequent a woman who is being treated for breast cancer vented about the paperwork needed to apply for medical financial assistance, and another poster went off on her. How dare she whine about wanting charity. She called her an ingrate and churlish. Seriously. Of course in the resulting conversation we find out that the one calling the cancer patient out had received 'financial assistance' in the past. So, for her it was 'financial assistance', but for someone else it was 'charity'.

So how did we get to the place where I can't joke about the weather or my financial problems without being considered a whiner, or a cancer patient can't vent without being shamed for needing help?

"Empathy is really the opposite of spiritual meanness. It's the capacity to understand that every war is both won and lost. And that someone else's pain is as meaningful as your own."~~Barbara Kingsolver

Empathy goes many directions. When we lose the ability to empathize, we not only lose the ability to understand and share when people are having hard times, we lose the ability to be joyful when they are being blessed. And I think that, leads to what Barbara Kingsolver describes as spiritual meanness.

So, do I need to not make jokes about my hard times? A sense of humor (and some awesome friends) helps me get through the days. Do we need to censor and not share our frustrations for fear that some else in our community has lost the ability to empathize? That won't work for me.

What will work for me is to remind myself and others that even though life is hard, I will get caught up some day because my list of blessings is longer than my list of troubles-even on days I can't see that.

So, I am sorry to have lost a friend. I wish I could have taught her to laugh with me. Because the truth is being behind on the gas bill, or having a really bare pantry because money is tight may be a problem. But, losing the ability to empathize is a far worse affliction.

The truth is in that old saying...Shared joy is joy doubled. Shared sorrow is sorrow halved. THAT is empathy in a nutshell!

Peace and Blessings,
EB

Never SAY Never

Words. We can use them in so many ways. We can use them to build up or we can use them to tear down. One of the ways we use them to our detriment is in a way that we don't even notice we are doing. I call these words 'invisible vows' and usually we are trying to protect ourselves when we use these words.  I think of Scarlett O'Hara, tired and dirty Swearing to the world and herself  "As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again!" Those words altered the way she lived, altered the choices she made in life, caused her to makes choices based on her need to make sure she got ahead no matter who she had to step on to get there.

Now,most of us don't go as far as Scarlett did in our quest to keep ourselves safe. But we make these types of vows regularly, most of the time unaware of them. We make choices in our lives that aren't always in our best interest. If after we have lived through the bad choice we tell ourselves "I'll never let anyone hurt me like that again." That sounds like a good thing. Unless, that vow keeps us from letting anyone get close to us. We build a wall to hide behind so that no one can get in, because if we let someone in then we are vulnerable to being hurt.The only way to keep from getting hurt is to keep from being vulnerable. But then no one gets close enough to us to love us. So now we start to think that no one loves us because we are unlovable.

Some of us use our weight as a wall to hide behind. It is true that in our culture we often become invisible the more we weigh. So we build this wall that keeps us safe. Except it keeps us safe by keeping us imprisoned. We start to believe that we have no worth. We start to believe that we deserve less than the best the world has to offer. We then start to treat ourselves as undeserving.

One of the great paradoxes in our lives is that SELF ESTEEM is often based on our perception of what others think of us. I believe the world uses our estimation of our worth as the yardstick by which it measures us. If we see ourselves as unworthy, unlovable then the world will accept that estimation and treat us accordingly.

So, the words that replay themselves in our heads have built up a wall that imprisons us and keeps us from connecting with the world around us.As we learn to replace those words we can use new words to tear down those walls. When an old tape starts to play in our head we can literally say STOP! Say it out loud if you have to. Say STOP! Ask yourself it thats' the truth, and erase the old words and replace them with the truth. So if we are kept from stepping out because in our Head we hear "You can't do that, you're fat." We say "STOP! That is not true. Being overweight is not a character flaw, I deserve to experience the best in life." We can do this, over and over and erase all of those old vows. We can learn the truth. We are beautiful, deserving, worthy children of Most High. It takes work, but we can tear down those walls.We are worth the hard work!

Enough

It happened again. We were at WalMart this afternoon and someone said something ugly about my son. Loud enough for me to hear them, loud enough for several people to hear them.It was rude, it was hurtful, and it was totally unnecessary.

I have been trying to write a new post since the weekend. I was really shocked by the shootings in Arizona, and it brought lots of memories up for me. I am a gun violence survivor. Not once, not twice, but 3 times. Twice I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and was a random victim. The third time I admit, it was personal and may be the only time you will hear me say thank goodness he wasn't sober! The one that was the scariest was the one where a teenager and his buddies were bored and decided a way to liven up a Saturday night was to take dad's handgun and go shooting out storefronts.

I was in college, working as a waitress and bar tending at a hotel restaurant and bar. I had finished my shift, and since my car was in the shop was sitting in the front of the hotel lobby waiting for my ride. I was sitting on a couch in a large bay window. I saw car lights and started to get up. I KNOW I was saved by something-an angel, a spirit, God- I started to stand up and felt someones hands on my shoulders. I was pushed back down on the couch. Just as the car pulled even with the window, I saw the arm extended out the passenger window, and I saw the handgun. I saw the flash of the muzzle, and was paralyzed in fear. The bullet grazed the top of my forehead. If I had been standing I would have been shot in the middle of my chest and the outcome would have been something different.

Violence has been part of my life since before I was born. I was raised in a dysfunctional family. My parents used a leather strap-a barbers razor strop- as a method of discipline. So I have scars from a strap, and scars from bullets giving testimony to the fact that this is a violent world. The physical scars are not the worst of the scars however. The worst scars that I bear are the scars from the words.

Words are used as weapons more often than guns, knives, or leather straps, and the scars that they leave are harder to heal. Words are important, and the way they are used is important. We as a culture, as a society need to admit this. We as a culture need to stop pointing fingers, and look into our own hearts and change the way we toss words around. We need to bear witness to the importance of words.

I don't care whether the troubled young man is a liberal or conservative. I don't care that the congresswoman was a Republican or a democrat. I DO care that we live in a society where anyone who is different is marginalized. Where a politician or a pundit can rant and rave and use words in such a way that it might encourage people to solve their issues with violence. Yes I said might. It doesn't matter to me whether anyone means for their words to be used that way. Any reasonably intelligent adult knows that when you use words to demonize, to marginalize, those words are immature.

I blog, and I post on facebook. I lost 2 friends this holiday season because I spell Christmas with an X most of the time. Yes, I write Xmas. I do it on purpose. I have a good reason, and I have been rebuked for it. No one, however, has ever asked me why I do it. They just take offense and make hateful remarks, and let me know that I am not  the right kind of Christian. SO in their mind I become an other, and it is OK to hurt my feelings.

Christians, whether you are the right kind or not, should know that words are important. That words can change people and events and the world.That words can have evil consequences. So instead of prevaricating, instead of dithering, we all need to stop, to say enough is enough, and take responsibility.We have to make sure that we use words to encourage, to support, to love, in love. We know how important words are, and we need to remember that that person you are using words to marginalize is someones son or daughter. Someone loves that person, and God loves that person, and using words to hurt someone is wrong. It leaves ugly scars, maybe not in the other person, but certainly in the heart of the person that uses words for evil. Scars that will harden your heart and make it harder for you to see love in the world.

In the beginning was the WORD, and the Word was with God and the Word was God.....words are not meant to be weapons.

Just me ranting and raving!

Peace and Blessings,
EstherBelle