Dandelions and Spring things

Spring has sprung, and it's about time. It has felt like Narnia around here-and that may be part of why I was busy having a pity- party of one this morning. The bank account is empty, as I have tried to catch up  on the gas and electric, because as my son has suggested we think Mother Nature has probably invested her retirement funds in utilities and is gleeful at the huge bills we have racked up this winter.

My whining about the Narnia winter has inevitably given way to my misery as the pollenpocalypse makes me remember that ice and snow aren't really the worst things dear Old Mother Nature has to throw at me--ice and snow may keep me from getting out much,but at least I am not allergic to them.

So, here I was wallowing, stressing, kvetching to the universe that damn it, we could use some grocery money, etc.etc.etc,yada yada yada, and I hear a tapping on the patio door.

tap.tap.tap.

tap.tap.tap.

So I head to the kitchen to check it out. Open the blinds and tapping on the sliding glass door is the 2 year old neighbor. Now, this little guy is one of my favorite people in the world, and it doesn't hurt that he is totally toddler cute and funny , or that he thinks I am very cool. I love talking to him.

His sister thinks this...

Had a great conversation with the 2 year old (he lurves me)

The 5 year  old sister said "YOU speak two-year old?"

"I do"

Sister says "So does my mom, none of the rest of us ever know what he's talking about"


So, anyway, there he was tapping on the patio, so I slide the door open and he hands me a handful of 'flowers'

"Brunj you dandies" he says.

My heart thaws, and I say thank you so much, and he turns and runs off to play with his sisters.

He brunj me dandies!!

Now, many folks do there best to rid the world of dandelions. My late husband and I totally disagreed about dandelions in the lawn. He HATED them, wanted his golf course perfect lawn. Me, I like 'em.

They are a sure sign that spring is sprung, and they remind me of my father. My father, old Missouri farm boy thought people getting rid of dandelions was just plain dumb. He taught me that dandelions weren't always considered the enemy, before perfectly manicured lawns they were praised as a bounty of food,medicine and health for your garden. Gardeners used to weed out the grass to make room fro the dandelions. 

Dandelions are good for your lawn. Their roots loosen and aerate soil. The taproot pulls nutrients from deep in the soil and makes them available to other plants. Dandelions actually fertilize the grass. (I never did convince my husband of these things).

Besides, dandelions are fun. The only flower little kids can pick without getting into trouble. You just don't run out of things to do,like make little bouquets for the neighbor,hold them under your chin to tell your fortune,and once they go to seed and become puffballs they are make-a-wish magic.


Hey, they worked some magic on me this morning, lifted my mood right out of the pity party for one realm and made me smile.

I hope someone brings you dandies soon!

Peace and Blessings,

 EB

P.S. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there,just in case. I told a friend once who was embarrassed about asking for help that if we don't make our needs known how does anyone ever know we have needs.The William and I are struggling,and just as embarrassed I am pointing out the button.We are continually blessed.

I Am NOT a Wicked Witch

We were planning on going to get his monthly labwork yesterday morning, but it was raining, so I decided to let him sleep.

I  went in to change his appliance, and told him I decided to wait until tomorrow because of the rain (need new wiper blades-not in budget) and he said...

"Why? Last I checked you aren't a Wicked Witch, you won't melt from getting wet."


So, there...I am not a Wicked Witch!!




Well, OK, you say,but why is this important enough to blog about?

Well, because life is hard,and my son is starting to regain a bit of his personality after a couple of very,very difficult years.In the midst of stress and worry smiling because my son said something witty is a gift.

He has suffered so much in his illness, and while he is as stable as he will ever be, he has had to relearn much and it is taking a while. So he is worth celebrating.


My son is my hero. He used to meet every day with optimism, and was truly the most content person I have ever known. Things most of us take for granted can be difficult for him,but he has spent his life  persevering. Things we take for granted make no sense to him. We are still trying to establish a new normal, and it is hard. So the days he is witty are important.

Even though he has the most amazing sense of humor he really doesn't realize he does.Funny was always hard for him. In middle school he realized he didn't understand the jokes the other kids were telling, and why they were funny. So he checked out joke books from the library and studied the situation.

 Because his brain works differently, he doesn't see things the way most do. He can't read body language or facial expression. He is challenged by tone of voice. Having a conversation is not easy for him. He talks to me the easiest when we are in the car. There is a reason for this, when we are in the car, Mom has to pay attention to driving, so I can't ask him for eye contact, or even to look at me.

The truth is, he has every right to whine these days.Yes, his health is stabilized,but still he is not healthy--and won't ever be again.Life is hard for him in ways he really hasn't come to grips with yet. 

This person with autism, who can't stand to be touched has to allow his nurse mom to help him with his medical needs dozens of times a day. He has to tolerate what is to him intolerable, and he must be forgiven for the times that makes him cranky and whiny.


So, while life is grim at our house, life still has its moments. Moments where I can see my son returing to me, and even though we are poor, and behind on everything (as usual these days) those moments are the things that life is actually about.


So, happy Spring, I am Not A Wicked Witch!!

Peace and Blessings,

 EB

P.S. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there,just in case. I told a friend once who was embarrassed about asking for help that if we don't make our needs known how does anyone ever know we have needs.The William and I are struggling,and just as embarrassed I am pointing out the button.We are continually blessed.

cabin fever

 noun

Definition of cabin fever

: extreme irritability and restlessness from living in isolation or a confined indoor area for a prolonged time

Dear Mother Nature,

ENOUGH! In the last 6 weeks I have only been out of the house twice. TWICE! First the cold killed my car battery,angel cousins fixed it so I was able to run a couple of errands before the snow and ice came again...and again...and again...

Please, it feels like a movie scene-- 

 Groundhog:  No shadow, early Spring!!

Mother Nature: Hold My Beer!

 Of course we all know the ground hog is a notorious liar,-but, girl, you are killing me here.

My walker does not have snow tires. My canes do not have ice cleats. I need to get out of the house.

 I'm not asking for the world here, just a couple of days where I can run to the grocery store and get a few things for  the empty pantry shelves. 

A few hours where we can feel the sunshine.

A day or two where the furnace isn't running the gas bill into bankruptcy territory. 

There are other human beings in the world, I remember actual conversations with living breathing people. Yes, I know, I do not live alone, but woman have you met my son? Chit chat is not his strong suit.

We're a bit tired, and weary, and stressed out and we need to get out of the house. So, knock it off. Please?

Asking as nicely as we can. 

Peace and Blessings,

 EB

P.S. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there,just in case. I told a friend once who was embarrassed about asking for help that if we don't make our needs known how does anyone ever know we have needs.The William and I are struggling,and just as embarrassed I am pointing out the button.We are continually blessed.

January...bah humbug...

So last year I wrote that January sucks, and that still stands.


 But this year we can add that my son started the year with a cold...it's wasn't a bad cold, a bit sniffly, a few sneezes, nothing a couple of doses of the purple stuff (Dimetapp) wouldn't knock out...

BUT, instead of the beloved eternal teenager with serious health issues who I assiduously work 24/7/365 to keep alive, he was for a week...

A MAN with a cold.

Of course, then I caught it.

The weather killed the battery in my car, so when the ice melts I'll have to find someone to help me get that fixed.

But, still...

T.S. Eliot may have told us April is the cruelest month, but I would love to nominate January for that honor.

It's cold. C-C-C-C-old, and still dark, and my kid only has one of his sports in its  season,thank goodness for hockey--Go Blues-- so he is cranky.

Every time the heat clicks on I cringe,because I know what that is doing to the gas bill--that I am behind on anyway because December choices to give the kid Christmas..

Yep, January sucks.

BUT, wait, as long as I am whining about winter and doubting T.S. Eliot,maybe I should listen to Albert Camus...

“In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.
And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.”― Albert Camus

Well, darn, the fact that I survived this long is supposed to make me happy.

What to do.

Well,I've bitched about other months int he past. 

Heck a few years a go it was August and I wrote this...

It's the week I ran out of money and had to tell my son we couldn't buy groceries. But, he's a trouper, this is how part of the conversation went...

Me: It's hard the last week of the months some months. Sometimes it seems like it takes a while for the universe to provide.

Son: Did you tell the universe we have paypal?

Hey, you can get through anything when your kid makes you smile!

So, here in January when we had the same conversation yesterday, it was OK.My kid still can make me smile,in fact he sometimes makes me laugh out loud. And considering what he has gone through, and still deals with, that is a a sign of the invincible summer.

SO, I'll suck it up, even though we all struggle, there are always moments to share. The important things in life are always available. 

I will work on being positive today.

But, darn it Mother Nature, it needs to warm up soon! Apparently being cold makes me cranky. But, let me allow the universe to adjust my attitude. 

So, OK, I'll admit that now that when the sun has come up,the ice on the trees is seriously pretty-- sunlight illuminating ice crystals that look like little diamonds smiling at me. 

Well, shoot,maybe January isn't the bitch I thought she was an hour or so ago. 

 But it's still too dang cold.



Peace and Blessings,
 EB


P.S. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there,just in case. I told a friend once who was embarrassed about asking for help that if we don't make our needs known how does anyone ever know we have needs.The William and I are struggling,and just as embarrassed I am pointing out the button.We are continually blessed.

One More Year...One Day At A Time

Oh my word, I haven't had a drink in 40 years!

Today is my birthday. Not my belly button birthday, my day I got clean and sober birthday. Today I am celebrating 40 years of sobriety. Celebrating 40 years of choosing to deal with life and all its challenges, obstacles, defeats, and victories without using drugs or alcohol. 

I don't remember when alcohol wasn't available to me. My older brothers-14, 18, and 21 years older than me- were the kind of guys that thought it was cute to give a baby or toddler a sip of beer, or whatever cocktail they might be drinking. There was always a bottle of whiskey in the kitchen cupboard, and when my dad wanted a glass of wine in the evening, he sent one of us to get it.Alone in the kitchen, no one was there to see me take a swig for myself. If there were family gatherings, not much attention was paid attention to what you were grabbing out of the cooler. After all, the men usually sent a kid to get the beer out of the cooler. So I developed an enjoyment of the taste and effect of alcohol at a very young age. It was an easy way to make life stop hurting for a little while. 

Of course,as soon as I left home it was no problem. I looked older than my age, and was never carded. Really, the first time I was carded was on my 21st birthday. There was a new guy at my liquor store, and he carded me and wished me a Happy 21st birthday. The owner was shocked, since he had been selling me alcohol for 4 years. But, he didn't make a big deal about it. I was a very good customer. By the time I was 21, I was drinking every day. I had started down that road as a teenager with undiagnosed bipolar disorder. I was self medicating with drugs and alcohol for several years. When I was diagnosed, I started letting go of the drugs, but consumed more alcohol to make up for it.

I drank my way through college, and 5 years into my working life. I managed to get good grades, and do good work while I increased my drinking. I had good jobs, but my drinking caused me to make some really, really stupid decisions about men and relationships.Just like the song says "Looking for love in all the wrong places."


I knew that eventually I would have to quit drinking. I knew that it was impossible for me to drink in moderation, and I hated that, because there were things I truly enjoyed and did not want to give up.I truly enjoyed choosing the right wine for a good meal. I truly enjoyed a cold beer on a hot afternoon.But, as much as I wish I was, I am not the kind of person who can stop with one glass of wine, one cold beer, one mixed drink. So, I had to listen to the small voice and quit. The last time I got drunk was on a Sunday night. I had been to a party. I don't remember much about the party, I had been drinking all weekend of course, but for some reason I got really drunk at that party. I think that I totally embarrassed myself, and a friend suggested we leave and go somewhere else. We ended up at her Mother's house. I don't remember how we got there, but I do remember sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee and talking to her mother until 5 o'clock Monday morning. I drove home and got in the shower and then I decided to call in sick and get some sleep. I had never done that before, I always went to work. In fact, I got in the shower intending to get ready for work, but while I was in that shower I started getting quiet, and when I get quiet I can hear the small voice, and the voice said "It's time to heal." 

So, I called in sick, went to bed and slept for a couple of hours. When I woke up I felt like crap.I never got hungover, but that day I was hungover. I spent some time feeling sorry for myself, but then I remembered hearing the voice. I knew that it was time to stop numbing the pain, time to stop dulling the memories and to start healing the wounds. I called my doctor, and went to see her. I had a good talk with her and she referred me to a therapist. She called him right then, and he saw me that afternoon.It was Monday, January 19, 1981. The therapist said that he would work with me, but he also suggested that I go to AA. He got out the phone book, and handed me the phone. I made the call and found a meeting that evening. That was the beginning of my journey to health and wholeness, a journey I am still on. It is not an easy journey to start. It is not an easy journey to continue, but it is a journey I believe we must all undertake.

So, here I am. I haven't had a drink, oh how I have wanted to, but I have not had a drink.My Higher Power and I are taking a journey. One day at a time.


Peace and Blessings,
EstherBelle

Christmas Eve

As my son prepares our traditional DiGiorno pizza for dinner, a Christmas eve wish...


There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.~~Erma Bombeck~~

Now, when you read that do not think, oh dear, that is so right. Think, I am a child. A child of the Creator, and I deserve to believe that I am a beautiful, wonderful, worthwhile individual with so much to offer myself and those I love. The most important things I have to offer have nothing to do with the house being spotless, or the decorations being Martha Stewart worthy, or the Christmas dinner being course after course of delicious. What I have to offer is the heart of a worthwhile person. A heart that knows that I am intelligent, and caring, and worthy of treating myself well. A heart that is able to be a better mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend because I know my value.

Take time today to rest, even though you have things to do. Take some time to get at least a few moments with yourself, and remind yourself that a confident, loving smile is worth more than anything you can possibly accomplish today. Remind yourself that when we wake up on Christmas morning we are all someone's child, and relax and enjoy the day, no matter the circumstances. CHOOSE to believe in yourself, CHOOSE to hear only the truth about yourself from yourself and others, CHOOSE to remember who you are and nothing else can take that wonder away from the day. Relax, refresh your spirit, and wake up Christmas morning with the eyes and heart of a child!


Now why is DiGiorno your Christmas Eve dinner you might ask. Well, it's a tradition.In our family Christmas Eve means that my son is in charge of the kitchen. Not a bad tradition!

 We came up with this tradition because I was a working mother.Well, we all are. My last job,I worked in a huge grocery store. I would finish the midnight shift on the 23rd, and then go back in and work the day shift on the 24th. By the time we closed the store at 6:00 pm, took care of all the customers, and allowed the teammates a few minutes to grab that last item, it was often close to7:00 by the time I got to my car.I would drive home, tired. So, we decided that we would just have pizza for dinner, and if I called home just before I headed to the car, it could go in the oven.  My husband and son would wait for me to call, and by the time I got home, changed my clothes, and sat down in my recliner to put my feet up dinner would be ready and our son would serve Mom and Dad.

I hope that you and those you care about have traditions.Traditions are an important way to bridge the gap between generations, to enlarge your tent and bring new people into the circle of your hearts.Traditions are an important way to share memories, to make memories, and to anticipate new memories the next time you act upon the tradition.Tradition is a way that our families, our friends,our communities can stay connected one to another.Tradition can be the way that we remember what it is to love and to be loved. In our house, a boy who was born blessed by autism did not have the ability to tell us with words that he loved us, but he can bake a pizza.


Peace and Blessings,

EB

Timely Reminder

So, I was wallowing in a pity party last night, and scrolling through twitter when this came on my feed. Now this is not somehthing I do not know,it is just something I tend to forget when I am in the idst of a "pity- party of one" frame of mind.

This is such a difficult time of year, not just for me. I honestly don't know many people, especially women, who don't get frazzled and stressed out this time of year.

First, it's winter and days are short and some of us don't function well when it is dark all the time. (why yes, I am one of those, it makes me cranky, what?)

Then it is the holidays. We think everyone else is handling the extra stress of the holidays better than us...and why are the holidays so damn stressful anyway.

We get so busy this time of year. Whether we are rich or poor, young or old, we get stressed out around the holidays. If you are having financial problems-like we do at our house, you worry, and stress out about how you will keep the electricity on, and still manage to provide a semblance of cheer. It's really hard to think you won't be able to buy a gift for your chid. Really hard. 

 

 If you are lucky enough to  have money, you still worry.

 

So much to do,so little time...

We are bombarded by images, Martha Stewart worthy decorations.Chef worthy dinners, delectable desserts, 6 kinds of cookies.Norman Rockwell family images. And we start to believe that we are the only ones frazzled, stressed, frightened becasue obviously everyone else is better at this that we are.

Sometimes, in the midst of all of this we feel totally useless. As if we have nothing to offer. Everyone else is better at al of this. Or maybe that is just me (but I don't really think so) There are very few things in life that I use the word hate for, but one of the things I do use it for is this. I HATE feeling useless.

That is why this lovely tweet was so timely for me. I needed the reminder.

I think people have this skewed vision of what life used to be-too many Norman Rockwell magazine covers. Norman Rockwell was an artist not an historian.

Honestly, people weren't all that much different 50, 60, 100 years ago. There were good people, there were not so good people. It wasn't a Norman Rockwell magazine cover or an episode of Leave it To Beaver. Just like now, so many things depend on your economic status. Poor women worked outside the home-often in the homes of women with more resources. Poor people spent there limited resources trying to keep a roof over their head and feed their families. 

The world does not cease to exist if we bake 2 kinds of cookies instead of 6. The world does not cease to turn on its axis if we cease to run around frenetically, the sun still,even if belatedly, comes up in the morning. If we choose to not spend money we don't have this year, no one will hate us because their present is smaller (well, if they do they don't count anyway!)Besides, the small ones play with the boxes longer than the presents! The older ones will understand if we are being honest, authentic in our lives.So yes, let's remember to slow down, to breathe. When we get all caught up in the frenzy we miss so much.

So, I appreciate the reminder.

Value and worth are inherent. None of us are useless, not even me.

So, I will take a breath, appreciate the reminder and keep doing what I can,as we start the countdown to the end of the year remeber...All you can do is all you can do.

Peaceand Blessings,

EB


P.S. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there,just in case. The William and I are struggling,and  embarassed I am pointing out the button.We are continually blessed.