I'm Trying

My world has gotten smaller and smaller lately.We don't get out much,just an hour or so to run errands every week or our monthly trip to get meds and labs.

On the other hand, my world is very BIG. It is amazing to this child of the 1950's that I have 'friends' and acquaintances all over the world. I write a blog post and people in Russia, Finland, Indonesia, and Portugal read it. Kind of mind boggling when I think of it.

How awesome is it that I have friends that I can keep in touch with every day, just at the touch of a keyboard and yet, I haven't seen a friend in person in a while. What an odd world we have created.

Not saying it is a bad thing, just thinking out loud. It is actually a very good thing that I am able to interact with people online. If it weren't for cyber connections I would be a hermit living in a cave, and that is not a good thing. Connection is the thing that keeps me going,and I have let that slip.I need to work at it more. I participate on a message board, I spend time on facebook in groups and with friends. These things keep me supported, encouraged and feeling loved so I need to not let them slip away.

"When just being together is more important than what you do...you are with a friend."~~Anonymous~~

This is what my cyber friends are for me.We all know those times when we just spend time not doing anything with our friends. Those are times of mutual rest, relaxation, and contentment, and they are so nice. We all need to have those times when we are able to be quiet together. We are just here to share our days. Some days we deal with big important issues, some days we are just silly, some days, we just share the details of our day, and we know that no matter what we share, someone is glad to see that we posted. Just glad to share the same space with us. Doesn't matter that we are from all over the world, different faiths, different life experiences. Just matters that we came here and spent the time to post. Someone cares that I exist, it says to us when we get a word of encouragement, love, and support.

So, today,I reach out to stay connected.It isn't easy for me these days.Much easier to stay a hermit. The world around me is a lonely place and I need to make myself reach outside of that.

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."~~Thomas Edison 

I'm trying.

Peace and Blessings,

EB




P.S. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there,just in case. I told a friend once who was embarrassed about asking for help that if we don't make our needs known how does anyone ever know we have needs.The William and I are struggling,and just as embarrassed I am pointing out the button.We are continually blessed.

I Can't Hear You When You're Whining

I said this to my son yesterday.As a Mom, I probably said this to my son many times when he was younger.You know us moms, we try to keep the whining to a minimum.

 The truth is, he has every right to whine these days.Yes, his health is stabilized,but still he is not healthy--and won't ever be again.Life is hard for him in ways he really hasn't come to grips with yet. 

This person with autism, who can't stand to be touched has to allow his nurse mom to help him with his medical needs dozens of times a day. He has to tolerate what is to him intolerable, and he must be forgiven for the times that makes him cranky and whiny.

And so when I told him "I can't hear you when you whine" I apologized. If anyone deserves a whine or two it is him.

I was thinking about this last night as I was stressing about some things and it dawned on me (not for the first time) that I stop engaging when my life is hard.I think I figure no one can hear me if I whine, and I really try not to.


In case you haven't noticed,when I get down and out I tend to get quiet. The thing is, if your life is hard you don't have much else to talk about--and you figure nobody wants to hear it anyway.

Sometimes, you can feel so very alone. It doesn't matter if you are surrounded by people, you feel alone. If you are not surrounded by people the alone-ness can become loneliness, and you long for the company of another person, the art of conversation. But, sometimes life is just one hard thing after another and the only thing you can think about sounds whiny, so you just stop talking.

One of my 'friends' messaged me that they would be unfriending me because I was 'whining about being poor again.' 

On the other hand, I have  an amazingly generous friend who regularly  sends me  money when I post about our troubles.Which is always timely and always appreciated,but sometimes I just want to vent and I don't because I feel bad about the appearance of being so damn needy.


I have wonderful friends--thanks to the internet. I rarely see people in real life, but I can power up the computer and there you are.

I realized recently I have been censoring myself a lot. I stopped posting political stuff a couple of years ago because I have friends from all ends of the political spectrum, and I don't want to lose anyone. So,my facebook became just a place to be friends. I do have an outlet for my political views, and I cherish that outlet also.
So,if I am lonely and stressed, I may have to whine about it. I need to stop letting the problems isolate me...and that is something that dawned on me in the middle of the night. I am feeling isolated,and it is mostly my own fault. Because I have people with empathy in my life,and I need to trust that more.

Truth is I can hear my son when he whines, and my friends can hear me when I whine,but it's me--I can hear me when I whine,and is not who I want to be, or enjoy being.

I used to be someone who was positive and optimistic.I used to be able to use words to encourage and as Einstein said "ignite the flame in others". I like me when I am able to do that. I don't like me when I am tired and cranky and needy and whiny--and I think I assume no one else does either.

It is hard when you are struggling with the day to day stresses of life sometimes to remember that you have something to give back to the world. It is all to easy to get wrapped up in the struggles and forget that you weren't always old, and poor, and in pain.It is all too easy to start thinking you have nothing to give back to the world, and feeling useless makes me whiny. And unfortunately I CAN hear when I am whining.

So, I am sorry I get so quiet. It is not any of you,my dear ones, it is me. 

My son may or may not be whiny today. I never know. But I do know he will at some point me me laugh. At some point make me proud. At some point make me think how blessed I am that he is still alive and I can hear him.

So, that is his gift to me. I realize that I am alive, and if I would stop isolating myself there are wonderful friends who can hear me.

I'll try harder.


Peace and Blessings,

EB



P.S. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there,just in case. I told a friend once who was embarrassed about asking for help that if we don't make our needs known how does anyone ever know we have needs.The William and I are struggling,and just as embarrassed I am pointing out the button.We are continually blessed.

Empathy and friends and whining...

So, I have been very quiet recently.Life sucks, I've been sick--bronchitis is apparently my new winter pastime, this makes the second February in a row I have begun to think breathing is not something I am good at.

In case you haven't noticed,when I get down and out I tend to get quet. The thing is, if your life is hard you don't have much else to talk about--and you figure nobody wants to hear it any way.

I have lost friends because I have made jokes about financial problems. True. A couple of winters ago I posted on facebook what I thought was a joke about being behind on the gas bill...

Dear Mother Nature,
It's the middle of MAY-I don't care how many shares of Missouri Gas Energy you have in your retirement portfolio-I am NOT turning the heat on today. 
Sincerely,
Shivering under a quilt

Dear Mother Nature,
It's May 16. 36 degrees and a frost advisory, seriously? I'll need to find a corner and a cardboard sign to ever catch up on funding your retirement.
Signed,
Shivering

One of my 'friends' messaged me that they would be unfriending me because I was 'whining about being poor again.' Granted, I am not always as funny as I think I am, but 'unfriend' me for a couple of jokes about the weather?

On the other hand, I have  an amazingly generous friend who regularly  sends me  money when I post about our troubles.Which is always timely and always appreciated,but sometimes I just want to vent and I don't because I feel bad about the appearance of being so damn needy.

I have wonderful friends--thanks to the internet. I rarely see people in real life, but I can power up the computer and there you are.

I realized recently I have been censoring myself a lot. I stopped posting political stuff a couple of years ago because I have friends from all ends of the political spectrum, and I don't want to lose anyone. So,my facebook became just a place to be friends. I do have an outlet for my political views, and I cherish that outlet also.

I guess what I am trying to say is I am needy,and I need to stop feeling like I shouldn't talk about that.

So,if I am lonely and stressed, I may have to whine about it. I need to stop letting the problems isolate me...and that is something that dawned on me in the middle of the night. I am feeling isolated,and it is mostly my own fault. Because I have people with empathy in my life,and I need to trust that more.


"Empathy is really the opposite of spiritual meanness. It's the capacity to understand that every war is both won and lost. And that someone else's pain is as meaningful as your own."~~Barbara Kingsolver

Empathy goes many directions. When we lose the ability to empathize, we not only lose the ability to understand and share when people are having hard times, we lose the ability to be joyful when they are being blessed. And I think that, leads to what Barbara Kingsolver describes as spiritual meanness.

So, do I need to not make jokes about my hard times? A sense of humor (and some awesome friends) helps me get through the days. Do we need to censor and not share our frustrations for fear that some else in our community has lost the ability to empathize? That won't work for me.

What will work for me is to remind myself and others that even though life is hard, I will get caught up some day because my list of blessings is longer than my list of troubles-even on days I can't see that.

So, I am sorry to have lost a friend. I wish I could have taught her to laugh with me. Because the truth is being behind on the gas bill, or having a really bare pantry because money is tight may be a problem. But, losing the ability to empathize is a far worse affliction.

The truth is in that old saying...Shared joy is joy doubled. Shared sorrow is sorrow halved. THAT is empathy in a nutshell!

Peace and Blessings,

EB


P.S. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there,just in case. I told a friend once who was embarrassed about asking for help that if we don't make our needs known how does anyone ever know we have needs.The William and I are struggling,and just as embarrassed I am pointing out the button.We are continually blessed.

One More Year of One Day At A Time

Today is my birthday. Not my belly button birthday, my day I got clean and sober birthday. Today I am celebrating 37 years of sobriety. Celebrating 37 years of choosing to deal with life and all its challenges, obstacles, defeats, and victories without using drugs or alcohol.

I haven't had a drink in 444 months. That is 13,514 days. 

They haven't all been easy, and the last year or two as been harder than you would think since I am an old hand at this.

What a year it has been, my most recent  year of sobriety. Today marks my 37th anniversary of the day I chose to get sober. I have to say the last few months have been some of the most difficult in those 37 years, and that is saying something as my life has very rarely been without difficulty. But, even as I have battled my demons- stress, addiction, depression, illness, etc.- the last few months, I have continued to work on my sobriety.

There have been many times lately when I said to myself out loud "Damn, I need a drink." Fortunately my next thought has been "Stop it, you don't drink."  I am not ashamed  to admit that that next thouhgt comes slowly some days. Sobriety really is one day at a time. For me it is one moment at a time most days.

Why 'One day at a time'?

The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.~~Abraham Lincoln~~

For me that means I need to concentrate on living in the moment. Being present and living in the moment helps to keep me focused on the task at hand. When we live in the moment, one day at a time, we don't have time to become mired in regrets and worries over what happened and how we SHOULD have done. No guilt, no condemnation.Which is not to say that if we hurt someone we should not make amends. It is to say that if we live in the present, the past can no longer hurt us. We can let it go, forgive ourselves and others, and choose to live  for today.Living in the present means that we no longer have to constantly review the past, trying to explain our actions or the actions of others. No more guilt or blaming. Living in the present means that we do not have to worry, assume, obsess about what may happen in the future. If we do that we sometimes project unwarranted negative outcomes to things, when all we really have to do is deal with the outcomes of our actions today, this day.

So, today, this day I will celebrate one more day of sobriety. One more day of hangin' in there, no matter how difficult life has become.

Easy? No, I don't think it is ever easy, but just because a thing is hard to do doesn't make it any less worthwhile. 


Peace and Blessings,
 EB


P.S. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there,just in case. I told a friend once who was embarrassed about asking for help that if we don't make our needs known how does anyone ever know we have needs.The William and I are struggling,and just as embarrassed I am pointing out the button.We are continually blessed.

January Sucks...maybe

T.S. Eliot may have told us April is the cruelest month, but I would love to nominate January for that honor.

It's cold. C-C-C-C-old, and still dark, and my kid only has one of his sports in its  season,thank goodness for hockey--Go Blues-- so he is cranky.

Every time the heat clicks on I cringe,because I know what that is doing to the gas bill--that I am behind on anyway because December choices to give the kid Christmas..

Yep, January sucks.

BUT, wait, as long as I am whining about winter and doubting T.S. Eliot,maybe I should listen to Albert Camus...

“In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.
And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.”― Albert Camus

Well, darn, the fact that I survived this long is supposed to make me happy.

What to do.

Well,I've bitched about other months int he past. 

Heck a few years a go it was August and I wrote this...

It's the week I ran out of money and had to tell my son we couldn't buy groceries. But, he's a trouper, this is how part of the conversation went...

Me: It's hard the last week of the months some months. Sometimes it seems like it takes a while for the universe to provide.

Son: Did you tell the universe we have paypal?

Hey, you can get through anything when your kid makes you smile!

So, here in January when we had the same conversation yesterday, it was OK.My kid still can make me smile,in fact he sometimes makes me laugh out loud. And considering what he has gone through, and still deals with, that is a a sign of the invincible summer.

SO, I'll suck it up, even though we all struggle, there are always moments to share. The important things in life are always available. 

I will work on being positive today.

But, darn it Mother Nature, it needs to warm up soon! Apparently being cold makes me cranky. But, let me allow the universe to adjust my attitude. 

So, OK, I'll admit that now that the sun has come up,the snow is seriously pretty this morning, sunlight illuminating ice crystals that look like little diamonds smiling at me. 

Well, shoot,maybe January isn't the bitch I thought she was an hour or so ago. 

 But it's still too dang cold.



Peace and Blessings,
 EB


P.S. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there,just in case. I told a friend once who was embarrassed about asking for help that if we don't make our needs known how does anyone ever know we have needs.The William and I are struggling,and just as embarrassed I am pointing out the button.We are continually blessed.

Celebrate Responsibly (my yearly reminder)

... do yourself a favor. Tonight is a night when so many will be out celebrating the end of  2017 and the beginning of 2018. Please, make a plan. If you drink, don't drive! If you drive, don't drink! Not complicated. But it does require some thinking ahead. It requires you to think about using an alternate form of transportation such as a taxi, or using a designated driver, or being a designated driver. It might mean that you provide a place for your guests to stay, or that you provide a driver. There are many ways to be responsible.

Now I have nothing against enjoying yourself. I have nothing against those who choose to enjoy alcohol. Personally, I will be celebrating 37 years of sobriety in a few weeks, but that is because I am an alcoholic. I do not begrudge you one sip. But I do want you to think ahead and plan accordingly.

If you drink, please do not drive. I don't care how much you drink, one drink or several. Drinking and driving do not mix.

Lives are changed, destroyed in the blink of an eye. When my husband was killed by a drunk driver not only was my family destroyed but the family of the young woman who killed him was changed forever.

I know, most people think this can't happen to me. The young woman who killed my husband did not think she was impaired when she got on the freeway going the wrong direction and hit him head on at 60 miles per hour.

So, celebrate.Enjoy the party! Have a great time, but have a plan in place. Please.

If you drink do not drive!!

Breathe, Christmas is Coming

The quote for the day is...
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.~~Erma Bombeck~~

Now, when you read that do not think, oh dear, that is so right. Think, I am a child,I have always been someone's child, and I deserve to believe that I am a beautiful, wonderful, worthwhile individual with so much to offer myself and those I love. The most important things I have to offer have nothing to do with the house being spotless, or the decorations being Martha Stewart worthy, or the Christmas dinner being course after course of delicious. What I have to offer is the heart of a worthwhile person. A heart that knows that I am intelligent, and caring, and worthy of treating myself well. A heart that is able to be a better mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend because I know my value.

Think good things! I can't tell you how many times I have to remind myself of this. Thinking good things will keep me rooted in the now, the present, living in the moment in a way that I can remember that this moment will never come again.  The floors need swept, the dishes need washed,so garner up pleasant thoughts. So grab onto any pleasant thought that passes, store it away in your memory where you can bring it out when you need something to remind that life is good. Something to remind you of all that you are, and all that you can be. There is in every one of us the ability to give beyond reason. To care beyond hope. To love without limit. To reach, stretch, and dream, in spite of your fears. There is in each of us the ability to give beyond reason, and we do so every day when we take time to encourage and uplift each other. The ability to care beyond hope, as we come together to pray and care about the concerns of each, we expect the best outcome beyond the hope of the seen into the hope of the unseen. We love without limit. All of my friends  from around the world who found each other , loving each other through the day no matter what obstacles and challenges come our way. Reach, stretching, dreaming, knowing that there is a place where we can share those dreams and be encouraged to make them come true.Yes, acquire those pleasant thoughts, store them up, use them liberally to remember, that life indeed is good, and so are you!!

Take time today to rest, even though you have things to do. Take some time to get at least a few moments with yourself, and remind yourself that a confident, loving smile is worth more than anything you can possibly accomplish today. Remind yourself that when we wake up on Christmas morning we are all someone's child, and relax and enjoy the day, no matter the circumstances. CHOOSE to believe in yourself, CHOOSE to hear only the truth about yourself from yourself and others, CHOOSE to remember who you are and nothing else can take that wonder away from the day. Relax, refresh your spirit, and wake up Christmas morning with the eyes and heart of a child!

Peace and Blessings,
 EB


P.S. I dislike doing this but there is a paypal button over there,just in case. I told a friend once who was embarrassed about asking for help that if we don't make our needs known how does anyone ever know we have needs.The William and I are struggling,and just as embarrassed I am pointing out the button.We are continually blessed.